Tag: silly

With every lick

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How many licks does it take to get to the center of this lollipop?
Thanks to the replenishment spell on my tongue, the number is infinite.
With every lick, I restore what I have licked away.
Sure, it was painful to tattoo the sigils on my tongue, but I think it was well worth it.
The problem is, in casting the spell, my tongue has lost all sense of taste.
It’s like licking a marble on a stick now. Candy has lost all appeal.
I mean Candy, my apprentice.
She may enjoy it, but I’m left out in the cold.

The Candy Prince

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The Candy Price sits on his chocolate bunny, watching the troops walk past.
His lemondrop eyes glisten in admiration of his army.
“March, my men!” he cheers, and the army raises a shout.
A gumdrop button falls from his Marzipan coat. He has been outside for too long today.
He returns to his palace, inspecting his frosting hair in the mirror.
“I am coming apart!” he cries to his butler. “Help me!”
He tries to change suits, but feels something snap.
The chef-surgeon arrives, but shakes his head.
“So, how do you feel about being The Candy Princess?” he offers.

Pocket watch

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For his three hundredth birthday, Papa Smurf wanted a pocket watch.
So, the Smurfs stole Gargamel’s pocket watch and brought it to him.
“Not only will this not fit in my pocket, but it still has the inscription from Gargamel’s mother in it,” he grumbled.
As smart as Brainy Smurf was, he couldn’t quite wrap his head around the delicate engineering necessary to make a pocket watch, and he went mad from the attempt.
The potion needed to cure him required five tongues of humans.
The tiny blue creatures armed themselves with scimitars and bags, and headed to the village.

Van Helsing

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Van Helsing delivered the fatal stake to Dracula’s heart and laughed.
As he boasted at the local pub, the townsfolk reacted not in gratitude, but in shock.
“Are you saying you killed that nice old Count?” the barkeep asked.
“He paid my son’s way through college,” said an old woman. “And had the hunch in his back fixed, too.”
Before he could respond, Val Helsing’s wrists were locked in irons.
“What for?” he said.
“Murder,” said the constable.
“But Dracula was already dead!” said Van Helsing.
The excuse didn’t work with the judge either.
Van Helsing was hung at dawn.

Chocolate Chips

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Willy Wonka became obsessed with the idea of a chocolate computer using chocolate chips for memory and processing.
“Usually, Mr. Wonka, your ideas are just goofy,” said the chief of the Oompah Loompahs. “But this one’s downright stupid. We make candy. Really good candy. And we make a lot of money making it. Computers, on the other hand, are low-margin. And the investment in material science research will cost a fortune.”
Willy just wouldn’t let the idea go, so the Oompah Loompahs locked him in his office until the ambulance arrived.
During the weirdo’s extended absence, things ran rather smoothly.

Talk is cheap

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It used to be that talk was expensive. Only the nobles and politicians could afford to say anything while their servants and peasants were condemned to silence.
Some say that Hiram Gabsalot invented talk, but he didn’t: he just came up with a new industrial process to make it downright cheap.
Pretty soon, everyone was talking all the time. (Some people even talked in their sleep… something unheard of in the days when talk was as priceless as gold!)
The nobles and politicians eventually stopped talking altogether, choosing to use spokesmen to add to the constant barrage of meaningless drivel.

Drunk Robots On Stage

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“You can’t go wrong with drunk robots!” said the producer.
I watched as men in metal suits stumbled around, breaking furniture while the propmaster tore his hair out.
“This is supposed to be Billy Budd,” I said. “You know: sailors, mutiny, Judas symbols. Why robots?”
“Drunk robots!” growled the producer. “It represents man’s total loss of control.”
I watched the clanking shapes crash into each other while waving various broken bits of wood. “Which one’s Claggart and which one’s Vere?”
“They all are!” he shouted.
The play would have been a hit if it hadn’t have been for that electromagnet.

Alaska Wins!

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At first, I thought the flier said “Alaska Wins!” but it turned out to say “Alaska Wines!”
“Do grapes grow in Alaska?” I asked the Eskimo sitting in the booth
“Sure do!” he said. “It’s not just blizzards and Prudoe Bay oil, you know. When we don’t use hothouses, we’ve got nice wild berries on the nature trails and some really tough grapes up there.”
He handed me a glass and poured out some wine from a bottle that had a polar bear on the label.
I took one sip and spit it out.
Disgusting!
Alaska wins? No, Alaska Loses!

Cheese Bunnies

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Maybe down there in Florida or Texas you have your chocolate bunnies for Easter, but up here in Wisconsin, we have our cheese bunnies.
Yep. Cheese bunnies.
We didn’t get the idea for them from chocolate bunnies. You got that idea from us.
Long ago, some guy made cheddar Jesuses and called them “Cheesus.” Got lynched as a blasphemer.
His son thinks “I’ll make them into bunnies.”
Now, not everyone has as good cheese as us, but they make good chocolate.
So, they make chocolate bunnies.
I hear someone makes them out of ranch dressing.
That’s kinda stupid, isn’t it?

Skydiving

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The instructor said that I should read the manual very carefully.
So, I did.
But I read it backwards.
Instead of getting in the airplane and jumping out of it, I was standing in the middle of a field. The parachute was draped over me, and I was tangled up in its lines.
When the plane passed overhead, I shouted “I’ll be right up!” and I jumped as high as I could.
No, I didn’t fly up to the plane. Instead, I twisted my ankle on a rock and got tangled up in the parachute lines even worse.
Stupid manual.