Tag: silly

Rite of Passage

639165

Some societies have complex and deadly rites of passage. The elders really bust your ass.
Others require that simple rituals be performed. That kind of cake walk makes for a weak man and a weak tribe.
The times sure have changed since my tribe roamed these lands, before fences. Before the white men came.
My great-grandfather had to hunt ten rattlesnakes on his own. Now, my grandson gets a hundred bucks worth of chips and is told to make it last the evening.
Otherwise, we’ll throw a rattlesnake at him.
Maybe the times haven’t changed all that much after all.

The Chip

639158

I work at this place, maybe you’ve heard of it… Cyberdyne Industries?
Anyway, I needed an expansion chip, found one sitting on a workbench, turned out to be from the head of a Terminator.
Now it’s trying to take over the world every time I sync it.
I called tech Support and told them this, plus, it’s getting lousy reception. They told me to reboot it.
Now my downloads are faster, finally fast enough to take over the whole world.
Relax – they’ll come out with a 4G model next year, I’ll do the upgrade, and we’ll all be free again.

Rocketman

639159

“My power is infinite!” cackled Dr. Demonic, rubbing his hands together and throwing switches on a complicated console, the highlight of his dark, evil fortress. “The world will bow at my feet!”
“Infinite?” I shook my wrists. “Then why am I handcuffed to your Doomsday Missile?”
The villain growled. “Okay, so the chairs from Ikea didn’t have arms. And they had wheels. My finest moment, ruined by a hostage rolling around the floor? My powers of improvisation are infinite!”
He hit the launch button, and was incinerated by the rocket’s exhaust.
I didn’t have long to chuckle at his stupidity.

Kim

639153

Kim never wears orange now.
The last time she did, she looked like a pumpkin.
“PumpKim,” they called her.
That got her mad.
Everyone who called her PumpKim, she punched in the face.
Sure, she was fat, but in all the years she exercised to try to work off the weight, she got strong, too.
Lots of broken noses later, she ended up in jail for a year. It was supposed to be 30 days, but someone called her PumpKim in jail and got shivved.
I hope she’s not listening to this podcast. I don’t want my nose broken again.

Seven Locks

639161

A locked chest?
The lock requires seven keys.
Legend says that each was handed to the King of each Continent, but we all know that’s crap. There was never a King of Antarctica.
So, I pick the locks.
Surprisingly easy to do. The locks were just ornamental.
I open the chest, and sure enough, it’s empty.
Once again, the locks were ornamental. This chest has been opened many times before.
So, I toss in a few leftover items from the shelves. It’s a museum, we have plenty of stuff in storage.
I lock it back up.
Back on the shelf.

Black Cat

639159

Superstition states that black cats are supposed to be unlucky.
Friday the thirteenth is supposed to be unlucky, too.
So finding a black kitten on Friday The Thirteenth is supposed to be double-unlucky.
I’m watching the little guy run around and scamper everywhere.
Then, he curls up in a ball in my lap and falls asleep.
“How old is he?” a friend asks me, looking around for the kitten.
“Barely fits in a blender,” I reply.
His eyes get wide, and he vomits the energy drink I made for us.
“He’s at the vet getting snipped,” I say, and laugh.

Fireflies

639159

Me and Teddy, we go firefly catching in the summer.
We always go firefly catching, we do.
Teddy, he ain’t got no arms.
That don’t stop him.
He catches them lighting bugs in his mouth, and I hold up a jar for him to spit them in.
Bam. I put the lid on.
“Ain’t they pretty, Bobby?” He say. “They so pretty, they is.”
Teddy, he go off to college, leave me here with my jar. he smart and stuff.
I wonder if he go firefly catching.
Probably not. He ain’t got no arms. Or me to hold his jar.

Shampoo

639157

These days, people will put just about anything in shampoo.
They shove all kinda of flowers and stuff in there and call it “herbal.”
Once, I was given a sample to try.
“What’s in it?” I asked.
“It’s a surprise,” said the marketer. “Go ahead and try it.”
So, I took it home, got in the shower, soaked my hair, and poured it on.
It started to tingle the moment the water hit it.
Then it heated up. Exciting.
Oops! I’ve gotten some in my eyes.
As I washed it out, that’s when I felt it burn.
HOLY SHIT! JALAPENOS!

The Brick

639159

I know a man who can shit bricks.
He eats three pounds of clay daily.
Then, he squats down on the ground and shits a brick.
He’s been doing this shit for years. Behind his house is a brick wall.
He’s shit every one of those bricks himself.
I asked him why he does this when he can just go down to the Home Depot and get bricks.
“There’s something about making something with your own two hands,” he said. “Or, in this case, your ass-cheeks.”
The other night, his wall fell over.
The dumbass didn’t think to use mortar.

Last Dance

639160

All the time, folks say they can’t wait for me to up and die.
My funeral’s gonna be one hell of a party.
Clowns and dancers and musicians and fire-eaters.
Hell, I got the perfect spot for it.
There’s this dancehall I grew up around.
Everybody there, they know me.
They’re the folks who wanna see me croak.
So, when I go, they’ll have a big party there.
And bury me under the dancefloor.
That way, for the rest of their days, they don’t have to travel to dance on my grave.
Hey, it’s the least I can do.