People often accuse me of divided loyalties, but that’s mathematically incorrect.
Loyalties add, not divide. Instead of being loyal to one, you’re now loyal to two.
How loyal you are, well, that’s another axis of measurement. Not our concern here.
You might think they multiply, multiplication being the opposite of dividing, but it’s easy to mistake multiplication for addition.
Especially with two and two. The results may be the same, but the methods are different.
No, loyalties do not divide or multiply. Instead, they add.
Or, in your case, what with all this annoying stupid questioning and harassment, they subtract.
Tag: cliche
Writers
So you’re wondering why I’m holding out a blank sheet of paper as we walk along this alley.
That’s because there’s nothing more formidable to a writer than a blank sheet of paper. Or a deadline, but it’s hard to wave a deadline around at a rampaging pack of angry writers.
They think a blank sheet of paper is the most awful and daunting thing in the world, more dangerous than garlic or a cross to vampires.
What? Did you hear that?
I think I hear writers! Dangerous writers!
Hold out this paper, and make haste for the stationery shop!
Casting Call
Sally was a great singer, but a lousy actress, and she was ugly as hell.
Denise was a great actress, but her singing was awful, and she wasn’t much to look at.
Tracy looked amazing, but she couldn’t sing or act her way out of a paper bag.
All three showed up to the casting call.
The producer hired Sally to perform on the soundtrack. Then, he hired Denise to work with the stop-motion capture group.
What he did with Tracy, well, let’s just say that she ought to have a pimp instead of an agent.
The movie bombed spectacularly.
The Book
I like stories that begin “Once upon a time.”
And I like stories that end with “And they lived happily ever after.”
So when I go to the bookstore, I check the first page for “Once upon a time” and the last page for “And they lived happily ever after.”
If they’re there, I’ll buy the book.
Otherwise, I won’t.
The rest of the book doesn’t really matter. Because no matter what happens in the book, they’re going to live happily ever after.
Why bother reading the book at all, I suppose.
I skip to the end, and I smile.
Jumbotron
You know those kiss cams at ballgames? And how sometimes some guy proposes to his girl at the ballpark?
My buddies thought it would be a funny prank to take a hooker to a ballgame and surprise her with a Jumbotron proposal.
But the surprise was on me. The hooker said yes, kissed me, and took the ring.
“We can do it in Vegas,” she whispered into my ear.
Shit. This is going to get really expensive.
I’d better call my wife and tell her than I’m going to need to take some cash out of our joint savings account.
Handstamp
Dante wrote that the gates of Hell are inscribed with: “Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.”
It used to be only in Italian, but now it’s in dozens of languages.
But that’s all on the outside of the gates.
The inside reads: “You will need to get your hand stamped for re-entry on same day fare.”
People entering Hell sometimes see that and wonder if it’s possible to leave Hell because of that.
“Can I get my hand stamped?” these people ask.
The Devil laughs at these fools. “Didn’t you read the first sign?”
Then he laughs more.
Love Gone Wrong
Everywhere, I see bumperstickers that say JESUS LOVES YOU.
Shit.
Yeah, Jesus and I had a thing back in the day.
It got weird. And then creepy.
I told him to take a hike.
He was all like “FINE!”, but he started following me everywhere, showing up everywhere I went.
Coincidence, my ass.
Then he killed my fish. Turned the water in the aquarium to wine.
I called the cops, but they told me to change the lock.
After that, Jesus threatened to kill himself.
I said “Go ahead.”
And he did.
But the asshole came back three days later.
In Glass Houses
All his life, Ralph designed unusual houses.
His most unusual house was a gigantic disco ball.
It even turned on its base, and it could be lit up at night with massive floodlights.
This annoyed the hell out of the neighbors.
The last straw was when he played that “Disco Duck” song at full volume for four hours straight.
The neighbors called the police, who rushed to the scene.
The mirrored surface of the house reflected the headlights back into the cops’ eyes, blinding them.
They all crashed into the house, and one ended up running over Ralph, killing him.
Nathan
When it comes to hot dogs, I’m a Chicago-style hot dog kind of guy.
New York-style is vile. Ketchup has no business being on a hot dog.
Furthermore, when you look past the toppings, New York hot dogs themselves are vastly inferior to the Chicago dogs.
Just look at Nathan’s Famous.
Their Coney Island location has held their hot dog eating contest every July Fourth, and contestants gobble up their bland hot dogs by the ton.
Flavorless mush in cheap casings and buns… just like the crap they serve every other day.
Not worth slowing down to taste the things.
The Ugly Duckling
Once upon a time, there was a duck’s nest full of eggs.
They all hatched at the same time.
One of the babies was uglier than the rest, and the others picked on him.
As they all grew up, the ugly baby didn’t sprout feathers and a beak.
Instead, he grew shiny scales, pointy teeth, and wickedly sharp foreclaws.
Because he was a velociraptor.
One day, a duck made a comment about how ugly he looked.
The velociraptor slashed his head off, and he ate the duck.
Then, he killed and ate all of the judgmental little bastards.
How delicious!