I was a small kid.
So, for Halloween, Mom used to dress me up as a garden gnome.
This wasn’t all that special, because she made me dress up as a garden gnome the rest of the year.
She’d force me to stand outside in the weeds and watch the street.
“It’s raining, Mom!” I yelled. “Can I come inside?”
The TV was too loud for her to hear me. Or she was passed out drunk.
Eventually, the county took me away and put me in a foster home.
Well, in front of a foster home.
I hate lawn gnomes.
Tag: commentary
Upstairs Leak
The psycho upstairs neighbor has a leak in their pipes, so we’ve got a trickle of water down the wall and into the cabinets.
It’s their kitchen sink’s drain pipe, so it’s the crap that’s going down their sink.
And it stinks.
I put on my shoes and get ready to walk upstairs to yell at them to stop using the sink when I notice that the water’s turned from clear… to red.
I rub my finger on it.
It feels like… blood?
I calmly sit back down, pick up the phone, and call maintenance.
Their problem, not mine.
Bad Baseball
Eight years ago, the Houston Astros were swept by the Chicago White Sox in the World Series.
The once-mighty teams are currently two of the worst teams in baseball, and I am watching them stink up the field with their cheap rookie rosters, with the occasional discount washed-up veteran.
Even the on-air announcers are worse. They’re so bored with the game, they’re watching other games and doing play-by-play on them.
They’re doing a great job with that other game, too.
Maybe they’re doing it to get out of this market and call real games.
I don’t blame them one bit.
Scandal
Scandal! Scandal!
The mayor denied the allegations, while the line of accusers got longer and longer and longer.
“Resign!” shouted the city.
“Charge me!” shouted back the mayor.
But they never did charge him.
Instead of going to the police to file charges against the mayor, more and more people went to the media, filling the airwaves and newspapers and websites with even more allegations.
Eventually the list of accusers included everyone in the city… except for the mayor.
The mayor, disgusted with the city, resigned.
People lined up early to make allegations against the next mayor.
But nobody ran.
Sick
I hate being sick.
If I’m going to take time off of work, I’ll go to the museums or to the Galleria or to a baseball game or somewhere ANYWHERE instead of sitting at home.
Oh, sure, I like a nice long hot bath, but there’s only so long you can soak.
Books? My eyes get tired quickly when I am sick.
Podcasts and music are just annoying when I am sick. And television is worse.
So, I try to write. But it all turns out about being sick like this worthless piece of crap.
I’ll just take another nap.
Towel
Every summer, my parents sent me to a daycamp.
Once a week, we’d go out to the local pool.
I’ve always hated swimming and water. I’d just stay on my towel, but now and then, the camp counselors would pick me up and throw me in the pool.
I’d try to run from them, but they always got me. Everybody ganged up on me.
I hated it.
One time, I forgot which towel was mine.
We had to wait until everybody got their towels.
Logically, mine was the last one.
Doesn’t matter. I wished they’d have hung themselves with it.
Arts
The National Endowment For The Arts was founded to foster artists of all kinds.
Except one: con artists.
So, The National Endowment For Con Artists was started to foster them.
From all across the country they came to apply for grants: con artists, frauds, bamboozlers, and hucksters.
Some flew in from other countries with false documentation and credentials. When you think about it, faking up citizenship papers is a good test for your con artist skills.
In the end, the Endowment failed, because nobody on the board could agree on a definition of “legitimate” con artist with a straight face.
State Fair
I’ve been to the State Fair here in my state a dozen times, but I’ve never been to any other state fair.
So, I went to every state fair in the country.
If you ignore the signs with the state’s name on them, it’s all the same crap:
Carnival rides.
Clowns and midway games.
Music and dancing.
Farmers and the stuff they grow.
Oh, there’s a few exceptions. Alaska is kinda cold, Texas was huge and loud and obnoxious, and in Hawaii they have a volcano sacrifice.
Or is that the penalty for me trying to rob the ticket office?
Phone
I left my phone somewhere.
It’s not in the bathroom or conference room.
So, I borrowed another phone and ran the Find My Phone app.
Oh. Wait.
It’s in the back seat of the car I got a ride to the restaurant in.
I’ll see them at work on Monday.
This means I’ll be without my phone all weekend long. The longest I’ve been without it since… since…
Stop worrying. I’ll be fine without it. I can go a whole weekend… without… a… phone…
I’ll just go and get a new one right now.
Eh, I needed an upgrade anyway.
Facelessbook
Okay, so there’s this one woman in the news who got attacked by her pet chimpanzee.
By the time the cops arrived and got the chimp off of her, it had torn off her face and eaten it.
Somehow, she survived, but without a face, her Facebook account was terminated.
“It’s called Facebook for a reason,” said Mark Zuckerberg. “You have to have a face.”
So, she signed up for face transplant surgery, and surgeons gave her a donated face.
“Okay, it’s ugly, but you can use Facebook,” said Zuckerberg.
But after hundreds of bullying wall posts, she quit again.