Sally was a great singer, but a lousy actress, and she was ugly as hell.
Denise was a great actress, but her singing was awful, and she wasn’t much to look at.
Tracy looked amazing, but she couldn’t sing or act her way out of a paper bag.
All three showed up to the casting call.
The producer hired Sally to perform on the soundtrack. Then, he hired Denise to work with the stop-motion capture group.
What he did with Tracy, well, let’s just say that she ought to have a pimp instead of an agent.
The movie bombed spectacularly.
Tag: society
Popular places
I know a place that’s so popular, nobody goes there anymore.
No. Really. Nobody goes there anymore.
People make reservations years in advance and put down a deposit. Then they forget about the reservation and forfeit the deposit.
Everybody does this, and nobody ends up eating there.
The owner’s gotten rich off of this scam.
Then, the heath inspector came by. There was no food or knives or anything in the kitchen.
No tables, chairs, silverware, or plates in the dining room either.
They failed inspection.
Why? Because of the bathrooms. Totally unused, but nobody had cleaned them in years.
The Real
Her father bought her a new nose for her sweet sixteenth.
College money went to a few other “necessary” improvements. She changed her name and picked up a degree from a diploma mill.
That got her an internship with the Senator, and she eventually handled the press for him.
After every day, she’d touch up her roots, check on her nail extensions, fix her makeup, and head to her favorite bar to prowl the scene.
“Why can’t I catch a real man?” she sighed to the bartender.
“Must be using the wrong bait,” he said.
She didn’t leave a tip.
The Valley Of The Brave
When it is time for a boy to become a man, the tribe gives him a knife and sends him into The Valley Of The Brave.
He has to break into a soda machine and pull out as many quarters as he can fill his pockets with.
Most boys try to use the knife to jimmy the lock on a machine, but locks these days are too good for that.
No, you gotta find the owner of the machine and put that knife on his throat. Get his keys. Open the lock.
Oh, and get me a Pepsi, too.
Cold.
The Cards
Back before the Internet and online services, you had to look things up in reference books for answers.
However, when you’re playing poker in the basement with a bunch of drunk teenagers, the idea of calling Information has appeal.
“Does a full house beat a straight or a flush?” I asked.
Information had no idea.
So, I called Information in Las Vegas.
No, they didn’t know the answer, either.
But they connected me to a casino, and they knew. And I won.
However, by then, someone had puked on the cards.
The money was clean, and I took it all.
Kick Me Starter
We’d had problems raising funds for our charity project, so we hired a consultant to help us.
The consultant told us about social media and all kinds of new ways to raise money.
They also found a charitable foundation that would match all of our funds raised dollar-for-dollar.
After weeks for heavy marketing, the fundraising campaign rolled out and we didn’t just meet our goals, but surpassed them.
The celebration didn’t last long, because the consultant vanished with all the money.
Then the foundation matched him dollar for dollar: they embezzled the exact same amount.
Next time, we’ll stick with Kickstarter.
Walker
It was a good plan.
The old woman was always with her dog.
So, we’d steal her dog and demand a lot of money for ransom.
It wasn’t easy, but we did it.
I made the call and made the demand.
She offered a few bucks. “To cover your gas to return it.”
“We’ll kill the dog.”
“Seriously? Come on.”
And she hung up.
Five minutes later, the cops arrived.
Turns out that the dog had a GPS tracker in it.
As I was being put into the squad car, she handed me a twenty.
“For walking him,” she laughed.
References
It’s important to check references.
Teddy’s resume looked impressive. He had the education and the experience to get through the first round of cuts. And he was open and personable in the interview.
However, when I called one of his references, her translator said “Good luck getting Teddy to work for you!”
I flagged the translation as ambiguous, and the translator dug a bit deeper for me.
Her tone wasn’t “Teddy will never accept the job” or “I hope Teddy accepts the job.”
Instead, the reference suggested it’s hard to motivate Teddy to do any work.
I shredded his file.
Barber Artist
Trevor doesn’t call himself a barber.
Instead, he calls himself a hair artist.
“If a chef can call himself a culinary artist, then I can call myself a hair artist.”
I tried to argue, but Trevor held up a razor.
“This is my chisel. You’re my medium.”
I didn’t argue. I just listened.
“My work lasts longer than a chef’s art. And it travels better. Unless it’s raining and you don’t have an umbrella. Or there’s high winds.”
When he was done, he took a picture.
In case someone bids and buys his art.
I hope I get a cut.
The Test Of Time
It’s amusing to watch movies from a few years ago.
As much as I try to enjoy the story and acting, It’s hard not to notice:
Older computers
Older cell phones.
Older cars.
Older hairstyles.
Older brands.
And the so-called special effects before digital effects can be cheesy and corny. Totally unbelievable.
When I watch movies now, I wonder how I’ll view the dated material in them.
Will the cool whiz-bang effects today look like a joke in twenty years? Ten years? Five years?
This is why I only watch hardcore pornography now.
That stuff stands the test of time.