I don’t understand the logic of spending so much effort on a beautiful coffin just to stick it in the ground.
So I began to haul the coffins back up, seal the bodies in bags, and bury them again while cleaning off the coffins for reuse.
In the off-chance that a body needs to be disinterred, I get a warrant in advance, so I can haul the body back up and stick it in a coffin for them to pick up.
I’ve made a fortune in profit, selling coffins over and over.
If only this racket worked with the headstones.
Tag: work
Air Conditioning
It’s summertime, and the air conditioning at work isn’t working right.
The first few hours were positively ghastly, but there are now fans and air handlers in strategic places to guide what little cooling capacity remains into the populated areas of the building.
But there are still problems.
The receptionist chick who wears too much cheap perfume now permeates the air like a World War One trench warfare gas attack.
The popcorn in the breakroom makes the office stink like a movie theater.
At least they gave the guy who farts all the time a promotion and a corner office.
Unicorns
Most server administrators manage their servers, setting up simple rotation scripts to prevent their logs from filling the hard drive.
But there’s some slackers out there who have no idea what they’re doing, and they let the hard drive fill up, and they can’t send email or serve up any more web pages.
I send those people a knowledgebase article and offer to set up the log rotation scripts, but one refused, saying “The unicorns will appear when it reaches 101 percent!”
Bah. I install the rotation scripts anyway.
Remotely, of course.
(Those roaming unicorns are really dangerous, you know!)
The Search
The producer for NPR’s Fresh Air says that every time they listen to an interesting interview, they want to quit their job and do whatever the guest is doing.
This is the ultimate irony, because the more they love their job, the more they want to quit it and do something else.
They said the next interview is with a guest searching for extraterrestrial life.
Endless years of scanning radio waves for signals.
Boring!
I believe in being so interesting and unusual, extraterrestrial life seeks ME out.
And if we never find it, well, at least we had fun, right?
Morning Routine
Every morning, as I gather up my stuff and get ready to head to work, my cats like to play with my shoelaces and the cord on my iPhone earbuds.
So, I dangle my shoes and the cord so they can bat them around.
They really love it.
“I gotta go to work,” I tell the cats, putting on my shoes and my headphones.
They look up at me with sad kitty eyes.
“I’ve got time saved up,” I decide, and I call in sick.
Just as I’m hanging up, I reach for the headphones and…
The cats have vanished.
Free Sandwiches
Instead of giving us raises, the bosses bring in lunch once a week.
It’s usually pizza. Which I can’t eat because of ulcers.
“Can you order a salad for me?” I ask.
They never do. They just apologize. As usual.
One time, they brought sandwiches.
Pizza sandwiches.
“Hey, it’s free,” they say. “Quit complaining.”
And I did. I quit complaining.
I stacked up the trays of sandwiches and shouted “YOU ARE FREE!” and took them to the park to feed the homeless.
They fired me.
I lost my house. I sleep in the park.
Where’s my free fuckin’ sandwiches now?
Truck Day
Truck Day is when a truck full of servers arrives at the datacenter loading dock.
We pull the crates off of the truck, uncrate the servers, stack them on to carts, roll them into the staging area, remove the hot swappable drive holders, unscrew spacers from them and screw the drives into place.
Meanwhile, other crews bolt on rail glides to the chassis, slide out the blades, fill them with memory, pop in the drives, and get them into the racks.
Finally, everything is cabled and scanned into inventory so it’ll be ready to host shit like this stupid story.
Donut Day
It is National Donut Day.
Even though I’m on a diet, I bought a donut.
It was only 85 cents, and I carried the bag through the park, to my office, and put it on my desk.
Then, I pinned it to the wall and left it there for the entire day.
At the end of the day, I looked at the bag and realized I hadn’t eaten the donut.
This is not a credit to my willpower, because I wasn’t able to resist 4 grab-bags of Cheet-o’s and Dorito’s.
I just forgot I pinned the fuckin thing up there.
Cords
I have no sympathy for people who forget their laptop power cords.
I plan ahead, so I’ve got a spare cord at work, and one at home.
Plus, there’s one in my laptop bag, so I’m never without a power cord for my laptop.
Then, there’s the four cords I keep in this van.
Those are the ones I tied you up with after you whined about forgetting your power cord.
Scream all you want. It has soundproofed walls.
Sure, I could strangle you with the power cord in my laptop bag, but I prefer to use my bare hands.
Tabs
Steve collected the tabs from soda cans.
He said it was for a school project for his daughter.
Anyway, everybody in the department got in the habit of giving their tabs to him.
Me, I sat at the desk behind him, so I’d throw my tabs over the cubicle wall in his direction.
Steve left for a new job a few weeks ago, but I’m still in the habit of throwing my soda can tabs at his desk.
Ali took over Steve’s desk this morning.
“What the fuck?” he shouts.
“Sorry,” I said, sipping my Coke Zero. “Force of habit.”