Tag: silly

The Lobster Races

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I’ve got a special treat in store for you.
No, we’re not going to the movies. There’s no good movies out right now.
We’re going to the lobster races tonight!
They take a pair of lobsters and strap them to roller skates.
Then, they roll those roller skates down a street.
First one across the finish line wins. The loser gets eaten.
Okay, so they eat the winner too. Nobody wins this race.
Except for the people who eat the lobsters.
Know who loses the worst?
Me. Because those are my roller skates.
On second thought, let’s see a movie.

The Dead Lawn

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The lawn is dead.
I tried watering, fertilizing, sod patches – you name it, I’ve tried it.
You know how some kooks tell you to play music for plants? Well, I tried that too. I guess those kooks were as kooky as I’d thought.
There’s nothing left of the lawn. It’s all blown to dust.
It’s a shame, because I bought a shiny new lawnmower.
The neighbors come by to borrow it. They expect me to fill it with gas.
Why? What’s the point?
They have lawns. Let them gas it up.
I’ll just sit here, watching Dust Devils graze.

Taco and Tequila

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I sit at my desk, ignoring the noise, focused on that clock on the wall.
Both hands reach for the sky – It’s noon!
You see, I have found the key to happiness.
Every day, I have a taco and a shot of tequila for lunch. Oh, that sweet simple burn.
Sure, it can be rough on my stomach, but it makes the afternoon just fly by until it’s time to go home.
It’s time to go home? Let’s go home.
My buzz lasts through the bus ride.
Mom asks what I learned today in school.
I smile and say “Bliss.”

Lasso

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You don’t need a license to carry a lasso.
That’s why I carry one of those instead of a gun.
Guns are aloud and messy. Lassos are a lot friendlier.
But have you ever tried robbing a bank with a lasso?
The teller laughs like you’re crazy.
If you’re robbing a bank with a lasso, you are crazy.
The teller says for me to hold out my hand.
“Why?” I ask. “What for?”
“Just do it,” she says and smiles.
So, I do it, and she puts a penny in my palm.
“That’s for being cute,” she says. “Next!”

The Rider

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They may be hideous in appearance, but no goblin would be caught being rude.
“Sears,” says the creature. “And your name is?”
The topiary, a shrub groomed to look like a green poodle, said nothing.
“I need to be in Waco by sunrise,” said Sears, and he hopped on the back of the topiary. “Let us ride.”
For all the shouting, the topiary didn’t budge an inch.
The morning dew settles on the goblin’s frozen body, turned to stone by the daylight.
“Who put this ugly thing out here?” said the groundskeeper, knocking the goblin to pieces with a trowel.

Hack Writerland

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Sixty-five million years from now, an amber block containing a mosquito will be drained of “author” Michael Chricton’s blood.
Through the miracle of junk science, his DNA will be patched to a chimpanzee’s and grown into a theme park attraction.
From all over, they will pay to see herds of hack writers roam the hillsides, devouring fringe research and vomiting up novel after novel, screenplay after screenplay.
“Mommy! Look at the box office on that one!”
Until a theme park rival tries to steal the DNA and causes deadly violent mayhem!
But that’s a tale for another hack to tell.

Cinder block

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As I hug this cinder block, I ponder our long relationship together.
We’ve been through a lot.
I made a bookshelf out of cinder blocks and slats in college.
The only thing that kept me from being blown away by the hurricane last year was hugging this cinder block.
I take it with me everywhere now as a good luck charm: the movies, the bank, grocery shopping.
I guess bringing it skydiving was a bad idea. I’ll just let it go and meet it on the ground when I land.
That playground down there doesn’t look too full, does it?

Primordial

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The primordial soup is full of amino acids.
Add a little electrical energy in the form of lightning to get the building blocks of life.
Perhaps with the primordial soup you can get a primordial sandwich. Nothing complex… Just some lettuce and tomato.
A sprinkle of dill? Perfect.
How about a primordial salad to go with that? That, my friend, is a good lunch. You won’t need a big primordial dinner after a primordial lunch like that.
Just be sure to leave a good primordial tip for this primordial lunch or the primordial waitress will get medieval on your ass.

Apple Bobbing

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I love Halloween. It’s the best time of the year.
The candy. The costumes. The cool breeze in the air.
Most of all, I love apple bobbing.
Fill a washtub with water, toss in a few apples, put your hands behind your back, and then try to catch an apple with your mouth.
It’s so fun!
Ever tried other fruits?
Bananas are way too easy.
Watermelons are just too big.
No, it’s best to stick to apples.
I know one guy who likes to bob for lobsters, but that’s taking “choose your lobster from the tank” a little too far.

Felver Rate

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The government reports appear on my desk on the third Tuesday every month.
It is my job to inspect them for investment opportunities or legal loopholes.
Every month, a new statistic appears. This month I noticed a label called Felver Rate.
There was no explanation or formula. Just a graph showing a slow decline over time.
Is this a good thing, like unemployment, or is it a bad thing, like graduation rates?
I call the author… Dr. Daniel Felver, but I got a recording.
He’s at a Weight Watchers meeting.
I look at the graph… Those numbers could be pounds.