Tag: silly

The Cloud Whisperer

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He lays back in a field, guiding the clouds across the sky.
The Cloud Whisperer rules the heavens by sheer willpower.
The clouds are happy to do his bidding. It delights them to float where he asks.
He hardly notices the roar of the crowd around him, the players in their helmets and pads.
This championship needs to be played. the rain needs to stop for just a few hours.
“Please,” he says to the sky.
The clouds shift slowly, rising and thinning.
The game will be played.
“Thank you,” says the mayor. “Now get your clothes back on, Bill.”

Elevator

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The elevator doors open and I step in.
The doors close.
Usually, it’s a smooth ride. And very peaceful.
But I can hear breathing.
Loud, heavy breathing. Raspy. Angry.
I don’t want to look… I watch the numbers.
More breathing.
It’s starting to scare me.
The numbers go up… and up… and up…
The breathing is unbearable.
The elevator stops and the doors open.
I run out of the elevator and watch the doors close, sealing the breathing in once again.
Hopefully, they’ll switch the tape back to the elevator music. This Halloween loop tape is really creeping me out.

New Shoes

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They say you don’t know a person until you walk a mile in his shoes.
So the moment I put on a new pair… Amnesia!
I hadn’t yet walked a mile in them.
Who am I?
Where am I?
Hey, these are some nice shoes.
I walked around the mall, staring at my driver’s license.
The people at the Information Desk offered to call an ambulance, but I felt fine.
I jingled the car keys in my hand… which was my car?
I wandered the parking lot, confused.
From now on, I’m using a treadmill and writing myself a note.

Yazghar

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I list my race as White.
I’m proud to be a Yazghar, sure, but I would rather not end up dissected at Area 51.
The Field Operations Manual says to blend in as best I can. Carnival jobs when possible, or work from home doing technical support.
Do I look like a Steve? Do Steves have bright orange war-crests and talons?
Usually we outsource observation duties to the Ofokos. They look more human than us, despite the lack of earlobes.
Easily concealed with wigs or floppy hats.
The fangs aren’t. We just tell them not to smile, or go Goth.

Virtual Class

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Imaginary spitballs fill the air. Roger Washington’s back to pulling pigtails. Stacy Miller shimmers and falls to dust.
Third one today. There must be something out of sorts with the holographic system.
I check the diagnostics while Stacy’s parents are threatening to sue the school.
No red lights, so I order a check of the Miller’s unit and read the manufacturer alerts.
Aha. Bad firmware update last night.
I send out an alert to the parents, and I remind them to remove all headsets before performing this flash.
No sense risking a spark and wiping a kid. Even little Roger.

The Lawyer In Your Lap

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A universally-despised attorney gives up on making court appearances, using an assistant with a laptop and video software to conduct business.
“It’s safer this way,” he says.
Sure enough, he pisses off a class action defendant, and the guy shoots the laptop.
The assistant is relieved. At least he wasn’t shot, right?
His phone rings. It’s the lawyer, irate.
“That was a four thousand dollar laptop,” he yells.
The assistant asks him how much his suit jacket is worth.
“A thousand bucks,” says the lawyer.
“I’ll be glad to save you the difference by shooting that instead,” says the assistant.

Control Room

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The king wants to go to the control room.
Half of the lights in this room blink for no reason. The others do not blink at all.
The switches aren’t connected to anything, and all that the buttons do beyond changing color when pressed is to make a faint clicking sound.
It makes the king happy, though. He loves to push buttons and flip switches and laugh.
“Die die die!” He yells.
A display lights up with a random number.
He cheers. “High score!”
We laugh with him and pray to God that he never finds the real control room.

Astronauts

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The Astronauts came to our world centuries ago and built both Stonehenge and the Pyramids.
Once, one sneezed, and forgot to cover his nose.
Ever hear of The Plague?
They also painted the Mona Lisa, released the monster in Loch Ness, and hunted the yeti to near-extinction.
Thank goodness that the Bigfoot are plentiful in number. Just paint one of those smelly buggers white and we’ll be fine for the next time the astronauts come to hunt.
Do you see lights in the sky?
Me too.
Let’s drive out to the rendezvous point now.
Oh, and bring plenty of tissues.

Salad Bar

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The two kings were bitter rivals.
One marries a beautiful woman, the other marries one more beautiful.
One gets a fast horse, the other gets one faster.
Castles. Armies. Jesters.
Always one-upping each other.
Then came the salad bars.
This time, neither would back down. For miles, each one stretched across the rolling hills.
One added to their salad bar. Then the other.
Back and forth.
Until they met at the border.
The greatest salad bar of all time.
The two kings gave up their rivalry and became friends.
That’s when a third king’s army invaded and killed them all.

Wine

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A wine tells the story of an entire countryside.
With a touch of the seal, you can feel rough hands of the farmer as he ties down vines.
With a sniff, you can smell the rich soil the grapes grew in.
With a taste, you can see the seasons pass… the sunshine… the rain…
With a glance at the bottle, you can see where the blood from the rebel colonists has soaked the label.
Captain Drog smiled and ordered the entire colony’s production to be loaded on to the ship.
“Then set a course for cheese and crackers!” he shouts.