Tag: silly

Businessman Specials

636192

They call early afternoon baseball games “Businessman Specials.”
You might ask why call them that?
After playing a full game the night before, the teams aren’t going to be at their best. So, the players take the day off and the front office suits up.
Ever seen a marketing and branding specialist try to charge a bunt from third?
Almost as ugly as one trying to justify seven-dollar beers while watching a sub-500 cellar-dwelling bum squad.
Or your 100 million dollar cleanup man picking up a broom and cleaning up the stands.
Seen his slugging percentage?
Better make him mop.

The Play

636180

Every Thursday, the neighborhood kids gather up at the local church and put on a puppet show for the town.
This week was different.
You see, someone burned down the shed the kids used to store their arts and crafts.
Years and years of handcrafted puppets, up in smoke.
So, the children used cheese. They put hunks of cheddar, gouda, and havarti on sticks and a bedsheet curtain rose to thunderous applause.
Hamlet had never been so… delicious.
When the curtain fell for the last time, we gave them a standing ovation.
And then, got out our wine and crackers.

The Bunny Mafia

636185

You want to know? Well, I’m dead either way, I might as well talk.
You want to hear about The Bunny Mafia?
I’ll tell you about it.
Yeah, I ran with the rabbits. Cooked books for the Five Hutches, trafficked in hookers.
You know. Because they screw like rabbits.
No drugs. Only carrots, lettuce, cabbage – they like vegetables. The fresher, the better.
Then, one day, a package arrives. It’s a bloody foot on a chain, wrapped in newspaper.
“Little Bunny Fufu sleeps with the Easter Eggs,” said The Harefather.
Yeah, he got whacked on the head, alright.
He got whacked.

The Bard

636180

We locked up the bard for his own safety.
If the king heard these nonsense rhymes, he’d certainly cut off his head.
I mean, here’s an example of his madness:
When an elephant coughs and sneezes.
It bends and falls to all four kneeses.
It wipes its trunk on what it pleases.
Then coughs things up in wheezes.
Bugs and germs upon the breezes.
Covered with disgusting fleases.
It’s how they spread such bad diseases.
Until the cough and sneezes eases.
The king is fond of his elephant herd, and to insult them in such a manner is certain death.

Boatsman

636180

Throughout the ages, the boatsman kept his fare the same: one soul, one coin.
It didn’t matter what kind of coin it was or how valuable it had been in the land of the living.
He liked to collect coins.
On the weekends, he showed off his vast coin collection to his friends.
The job called for a stoic, professional demeanor, so when he was given a coin he didn’t already have, he’d fight hard to keep his composure.
Nobody wants their trip across the River Styx to be performed by a giddy skeletal ferryman.
It’s not like you ask for “do overs.”

Supersize

636181

Ever try to Supersize a Happy Meal?
I’ve tried it all around the world. Every single store they have on the face of the earth. I’ve been to every stinking one of them.
And they just won’t do it.
It doesn’t matter what language they speak there or what currency they take. They just won’t do it.
It’s impossible, they say.
Nothing is impossible, I reply.
They said that I couldn’t go around the world, asking for a Supersized Happy Meal, but I have.
I hear three new stores open every day.
Let’s hit the road and try again tomorrow.

Mister Hunktastic

1342749

A smile. A perfect smile.
A patent pending smile, it’s so perfect.
Coming down the street.
Traffic stops. Everyone swoons.
It’s him.
Mister Hunktastic.
The one and only.
But man enough to be two… three… four…
Five? No, that’s silly.
Maybe four and a half.
Mister Hunktastic.
All man all the time.
Even asleep. The standard is set for hunkiness.
Hunkitude? Hunkery?
He’s gonna franchise himself. Make millions.
Coming down your street.
Traffic stops. Everybody swoons.
Mister Hunktastic.
And his perfect smile.
His perfect perfect smile.
Oh so perfect.
Let’s all smile.
Smile big and perfect.
Along with.
Mister Hunktastic.

Egghead

636179

Perhaps you’ve noticed my massive pulsating egg-shaped head?
Frightening, isn’t it? Yes!
But why? Why is my head so disturbing to others?
It’s not hurting anyone… Now.
I don’t have horns or antlers to gore my enemies with.
And if I rub it on you, the condition is truly non-contagious.
I just have a big egg-shaped head.
Oh, it’s my gigantic brain that concerns you.
Well, does it help if I say that I just think of happy duckies and bunnies and puppies?
No?
I guess I’ll have to blow up your brain with my psychic powers!
Just kidding. Really.

Haircut Time

636184

I’m overdue for a haircut.
I’ve got every barber in town calling my cell phone.
They’re bidding on the job.
Some of them are trying to sweeten the deal with things like limo rides, hookers, and a free shave.
This one stylist keeps sending me flowers. Huge flower arrangements.
In fact, when I open the door, the whole front hallway is just flowers.
How he got in here to fill the place with flowers, I’m not so sure.
Kinda scares me.
Maybe I’ll just donate it to those cancer folks.
Or shampoo with Nair and let it all fall out.

Spiders

637590

Sometimes, grocery shopping with Zelda the Enchantress can be scary.
“What kind of peanut butter would you like?” she asks.
Here’s where it gets confusing.
I like creamy peanut butter.
But I also like crunchy.
Creamy! Crunchy! I can’t decide!
“Spiders!” I shout.
“Spiders?” she asks. “Spider peanut butter?”
“I dunno!” I say. “I panicked.”
She shrugs. “Spider peanut butter,” she says. “And what kind of jelly? Spider jelly?”
“No,” I say. “Um… forget the spider peanut butter. And the jelly.”
“What about the bread?” she asks.
“Forget about the bread,” I say.
Oh great. Now I’m hungry for spiders.