Tag: movies

Jumping Gigawatts

413280

It was a dark and stormy night. Lightning was striking everywhere but Dr. Frankenstein’s lightning rods.
Transylvania Edison kept refusing to run industrial-grade capacity to his castle, so it was lightning or nuclear.
Sure, Dr. Frankenstein was mad, but he wasn’t crazy. Lightning it was.
And without lightning tonight, his creature couldn’t come to life.
He called the rod manufacturer’s tech support line when the phones went dead.
That’s right. Lightning had struck the telephone pole.
Not even a dial tone.
He shrugged, hooked up the creature to the phone line, and that’s when lightning hit the rods.
Go figure.

Weeding Out Directors

304663

I tug the rope, and the beam holds.
“Good,” I mumble, and I look back at Joel Schumacher. “You brought this on yourself, Hollywood.”
He’s tied up tight, lashed to the metal folding chair, rocking slightly on top of the table.
“Go ahead,” I say. “Crack your head open.”
The chair stops rocking. Joel’s eyes get wide.
They get wider when I tie the noose around his neck and kick the table away.
I wait for a few minutes, cut him down, and toss him in the basement with Oliver Stone’s corpse.
I told them Christopher Nolan or nothing, dammit.

Ancient Indian Burial Ground Corners

251984

So, how did this place get the name “Ancient Indian Burial Ground Corners?”
Because it’s built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
When it rains, skeletons pop out of the weak points in the ground. Arrowheads lodge themselves in tires all the time. And cable reception’s spotty when spirits gather to unleash spectral fury upon the defilers of their graves.
Not all is gloom and doom, though. The Little League team always wins because visiting teams have the piss scared out of them when they come here.
So, do you want a brochure, or are you ready to buy now?

Heavy Hangs The Ape-Crown

254144

Fatigued and wounded, King Kong clung to the building with his remaining strength. However, all he could muster was not enough, and his grip failed at the worst possible time.
As he fell, he realized that he should have carried the blonde in his mouth so his arms would share the strain of climbing the building.
He also decided that climbing the building was quite possibly a bad idea, too.
His nemesis told the gathered crowd that beauty killed the beast, but Kong’s final thought was that poor planning and a lack of ergonomic awareness was a major contributing factor.

A face no mother could love

283974

All of John’s men were dead, so he hid underneath them for cover.
Strange shadows lurched along shattered walls. Something was walking towards John, but it was with a step neither robot nor man.
John tried to remember what Mother said his father had told her about the robots. Something about…
The something wandered close to a burning barrel. Its twisted, laughing face silently peered in all directions before it shambled off.
“The 600 series had rubber skin,” he mumbled to himself. “We spotted them easy.”
No mother could love that face, not that the thing ever had a mother.

God bless us. Each and ev- *THUD*

328173

Scrooge looked at the anonymous headstone and laughed.
“Is this what you brought me here for, Spirit?” he cackled. “Who in blazes is this?”
Death’s skeletal hand reached into his robe, pulled out a dusty ledger, and shrugged.
“Ummmmmmmm,” it said. “Dunno. Sorry.”
“This means nothing,” said Scrooge. “I can afford the best doctors. The best of the best. I’ve got plenty of sand in my hourglass, asshole.”
When Scrooge woke up, he hired a few men from the docks to pay Cratchitt’s family a visit.
“KILL!”
Let’s just say that Tiny Tim wasn’t the only one who needed crutches.

The rare instance when Diarrhea is fatal

235136

So I’m shopping for a new turban, minding my own business, when this American starts chasing these guys with a huge basket.
He’s lashing a bullwhip around like a five-tongued frog in a fly swarm.
Allah, how I hate tourists!
So, the crowd gets out of my way, and I pull out my scimitar.
Yeah, my Dad gave this to me. Great balance, huh?
Anyway, I wave it around a bit. I figure it’ll scare him off or something.
The crowd eats it up, and suddenly the crazy son of a bitch shoots me.
So, Allah, where’s my seventy-two virgins?

Missing Q

266890

Bond held up the gun and raised an eyebrow.
“Excuse me, R,” he said. “What does this do again?”
“Pay attention, Double Oh-Seven!” admonished R. “First, it kills a person for just ten minutes. Then, it turns their hands bright orange, enough to see from 8 kilometers away.”
“Eight kilometers?” asked Bond. “Lovely.”
“Of course, it also turns your hands blue,” said R. “And you get only one shot.”
Bond put the gun down and sighed.
He looked around Q’s old lab, tables piled with other useless creations of R.
“I miss you, Q,” he muttered. “This fucker’s a loony.”

Questo spazio in bianco intenzionalmente lasciato della pagina

256702

After the DaVinci Code came out, everything Galileo ever wrote or painted was searched for hidden messages. X-Rays, magnetic waves, deep-radar signals, and refractive lasers wobbled the molecules to and fro until the researchers declared there was nothing to find.
Or as they say in Italy: “Niente!”
Then someone realized that Galileo invented the “This page intentionally left blank” page.
That someone was me.
Know what you get when you rip all those blank pages from his diaries and journals, rub them with a lemon, and hold a match up to them?
Arrested.
But now I know God’s shoe size.

Meesa think start of mooi bootyful friendship, no?

267968

George was free. No more of the space crap. The endless reworking and tweaking of the movies had finally come to an end. Besides, all futzing ever did was annoy fans and make the stack of hate mail grow faster.
Done. Finished.
He could hand the remaining video games and TV series to subordinates.
Just independent films for George.
But still, after everyone was gone… he enjoyed making his little alternations.
What harm could that be?
He clicked on the “Jar Jar” file, dragged it over the “Casablanca” icon, and selected “Render.”
The credits came up.
And then, his lunch.