Tag: television

The Tongue

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Robert Pastorelli’s been dead for years, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming about him.
His corpse had been torn to pieces and I had stumbled across his tongue, a throbbing slab of redness inchworming its way along the pavement.
I placed a resonating gadget to its tip and it spoke of his death and subsequent desecration.
When I found the rest of his head, I placed the tongue back inside and it babbled nonsense.
Why I dreamed of Robert Pastorelli, let alone his severed head, tongue torn out, I have no idea. I haven’t watched Murphy Brown in years.

Weatherman

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We’re a small town, barely a thousand people.
Everybody knows everybody else, or at least knows about them.
George is the town’s weatherman. Had a job at a big television station before he got sick of city life and retired here.
Well, maybe not retired. More like cracked up after blowing a bunch of forecasts, getting fired… drinking a lot.
Whatever. He’s a lousy weatherman, but the best we got.
When the tornado siren went off, he just laughed.
“No tornados today,” he said.
Those were his last words. During the cleanup, we found his body smashed against a tree.

Making Ice

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You know that old Polish joke about losing the recipe for ice?
Well, that joke has my friend George Koslowski written all over it.
Most folks, when they stick a tray full of water in the freezer, they pull out a tray full of ice.
George, if he’s not following the recipe on his notecard, pulls out the best Chicken Florentine you ever tasted.
He did this trick on Letterman the other night. Paul Shafer begged for seconds.
George didn’t join Dave and Paul at the table. He went out for a hamburger after the show.
He’s allergic to spinach.

On TV

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The cable company sent a new lineup card in the mail.
So, we told the television to scan channels, and two minutes later it finished.
There’s more stations in Spanish, shopping channels and religious channels.
You know, the junk you never watch.
More sports. And National Geographic, too.
Then there’s this weird station with a security camera. It’s overlooking a parking lot gate, but it’s all hazy and blurry.
Hey, is that our gate?
I’ll get my cell phone and call you. Then I can jump around and wave and you can watch me on television.
It’ll be so cool.

Counting Sheep

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Oh, sure, you think those sheep you count to get to sleep are sweet and innocent, but I know better.
It’s a conspiracy. The counting sheep want to take over the world.
I was only pretending to sleep the other night when the sheep came by for me to count. I closed my eyes and made snoring sounds, so the sheep felt comfortable letting their guard down.
They used my bedroom as a staging area for their campaign of global domination, preparing signs that said “Eat Less Mutton” and “If You Eat Us, How Can Perverts Have Sex With Us?”

Amazing Mice

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I was working on an animal behavior experiment, running mice through a maze, when I got a phone call.
So, I turned on the television and left the lab for a minute.
Okay, so it was five hours.
When I got back, I realized that I’d left the television tuned to a Christian gospel station.
I turned off the television, but it was too late.
Tiny voices, coming from the maze, started to sing:
“Amazing Mice, how squeak the sound,
That saved a hunk of cheese….
It once was lost but now is found,
Was hungry, but now, they eat.”

iPhone

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Whenever I feel like I’m falling for the hype of a new electronic device, I look in the cardboard box I keep in the closet.
That’s where I’ve put all the electronic gizmos and gadgets I bought as a result of falling for their hype, ending up with a piece of junk.
So when I look at the iPhone, I think to myself: How soon will it join the other expensive doohickeys in the box.
Then, I read a full-color advertisement for the thing.
There’s a commercial on the television for it, too.
Temptation builds – oh, give me strength, Lord.

Vampire News

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My neighbor is a very old German vampire. His English isn’t so good, so he’s always calling me over to explain things to him.
Tonight, it’s the news that’s confusing him.
“What is this NO BLOOD FOR OIL signs they carry?” he says, pointing at a war protest on the screen.
“They think this war is not worth the lives of the soldiers fighting it,” I said. “And they think it’s being fought for cheap oil.”
“Ah,” said the vampire. “I agree. Less blood for oil, more blood for Count Victor.”
He smiles, coughs, and goes back to watching golf.

Cutting Through Grease

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George pulled a DVD from the shelf, opened the case, and poured dishwashing liquid all over it.
He watched the goo spread over the disk.
His wife walked into the room.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she said.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” said George. “I’m trying to cut through Grease.”
“You’ll do anything to get out of doing the dishes,” said George’s wife.
“Not really,” said George. “For instance: I won’t clean the toilets.”
George tried the experiment on Grease 2, and to his amazement, it split.
“Well, it was a weak movie,” said his wife.

Warp Factor Zero

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Bones rattled around the Infirmary until Jim came down and opened the door.
“Have you figured out what the problem is?” said Jim, looking down at Spock, who was laying on an examination table.
“It’s his damn green Vulcan blood,” growled Bones. “I don’t know whether he’s got a nosebleed or a runny nose.”
“It’s just a runny nose,” said Spock matter-of-factly.
“Then why were you shrieking for a tissue and pinching your nose?” said Bones.
“It’s… the… Vulcan Nose Grip,” said Spock. “Simple logic.”
Jim laughed, and Bones punched him in the nose.
“Now that’s a nosebleed,” said Bones.