Tag: silly

Two Balls, No Outs

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Spring is here, and that can only mean one thing…
Baseball.
It’s something you can’t experience through the television or the radio.
Go to the park.
Buy peanuts and beer.
Root, root for the home team.
And then, you head for the bathroom, take off all your clothes, and run as fast as you can for the field.
Nothing quite like streaking bare-assed naked.
Try it at home. It just isn”t the same as when you’re there.
The roar of the crowd.
The shouting cops.
The wind in my hair.
Seven bucks for beer?
You can kiss my ass, man!

Wakeup Stories

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Most parents tell their kids bedtime stories, but Joe, he told his kids wakeup stories.
Happened every morning. First, they’d get themselves a good night’s sleep. Then, when the sun came up, they’d open their eyes, and they’d see their dad, sitting on the side of the bed and watching them.
“What story do you want to hear?” he’d ask, giggling like a maniac.
The kids tried setting their alarm clocks earlier, but Joe was right there, ready for them.
Pretty soon, the kids stopped sleeping at all.
So, you don’t like my bedtime stories, Susie?
Ohhhhhhh… okay.
Thought so.

Envelopes

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Ted says that you can use your underwear twice by turning it inside out.
“That’s good to know, Ted,” I say.
What’s weird is that he does the same thing with envelopes.
I didn’t know that you could do that with envelopes, turning them inside out and addressing them again, but Ted can do it. He’s really good with folding paper.
Now, this only works with plain white envelopes, mind you. If you do this with a packing envelope, you can’t write on the packing material they glue to the inside of it.
Or, I mean, outside.
Just ask Ted.

The Crabs

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I was walking along the beach when a swarm of crabs came out of the ocean and began walking in unusual geometric formations before my very eyes.
Then, they stacked up in a pyramid, building up until the crab at the tippy top got in position, waving its claws around.
After gracefully disassembling the pyramid, they slowly walked back into the ocean.
Last night, it was turtles.
The night before, it was lobsters.
Do you think the ocean is trying to tell us something?
Probably, but I sure do like the gymnastics routines.
I wonder what will do them tomorrow.

Making Ice

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You know that old Polish joke about losing the recipe for ice?
Well, that joke has my friend George Koslowski written all over it.
Most folks, when they stick a tray full of water in the freezer, they pull out a tray full of ice.
George, if he’s not following the recipe on his notecard, pulls out the best Chicken Florentine you ever tasted.
He did this trick on Letterman the other night. Paul Shafer begged for seconds.
George didn’t join Dave and Paul at the table. He went out for a hamburger after the show.
He’s allergic to spinach.

The Memo

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Everybody who reads the secret memo dies.
So, it’s been filed away…
deep in the archives…
locked in a filing cabinet…
which is locked in a closet…
which is in a locked room…
accessible only by locked stairs…
and the door to the stairs is locked, too.
But I have the keys on this keyring.
Let’s see…
To the door.
To the stairs.
To the door.
To the room.
To the closet.
To the cabinet.
Here. Take this keyring.
If you don’t believe me, see for yourself.
Read the memo.
Oh, and when you do, can I have your stapler?

Trademark

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In all the signals the aliens sent us, there was never a harsh word or a profanity uttered.
Completely friendly.
It wasn’t until their delegation landed and their people walked around did we realize it was going to be an issue.
You see, in their language, many corporation names and trademarked brands were the most vile things imaginable.
“Coke” was a revolting sexual act.
“Disney” was scatological in nature.
“Ford” was akin to genocide.
And so on.
So, eventually, they gave up on our planet and went on to the next one.
While we drank our Cokes and waved goodbye.

Dripping

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Three angels were meditating upon a leaky faucet in God’s kitchen.
The first was inspired to write a symphony based on the dripping of the water and the violence of it crashing against the basin.
The second painted a wonderful painting, capturing the essence of how the light reflected off of the droplets and the passage of each droplet through the air.
The third captured a droplet and brewed a marvelous potion, a taste that was refreshing and soothing.
They presented their creations to God, who howled in rage.
“Why didn’t any of you idiots call a plumber?” He yelled.

The Violent Pizza

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My friend Mikey is one of those political vegans. He orders what he calls non-violent foods, made from healthy ingredients that don”t come from exploiting farm animals.
Today, he’s at a bistro ordering a “non-violent pizza” with garlic, tomatoes, broccoli, and soy cheese.
But the chef has other, sinister plans. He puts on his rubber gloves, reaches for the glowing tubs of shredded meat, and constructs… The Violent Pizza!
In a matter of minutes, a horrifying, angry pizza-creature will burst from the brick oven.
Terrified patrons will scatter and flee.
Mikey, however, will smile and calmly ask for a salad.

Mouth of Money

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Wanna see something really cool?
Put a five dollar bill in Fred’s mouth, and he can spit out a hundred nickels.
No. Really. Try it.
The guy’s got himself a magical mouth or something.
Same goes for a dollar bill. He’ll spit out a hundred pennies.
What about a ten-spot? Sure, give it a try. He’ll spit out a hundred dimes.
If you need a hundred Susan B. Anthonies, put in a C-note.
Out come the shiny silver little dollars. Not that you can use them anywhere.
Don’t try it with a twenty, though. Don’t try it with a twenty.