Offshore

Bob started his own business a while back.
He’s sick of paying taxes, so he looked into an offshore tax haven.
He bought a boat, loaded his company on to it, and pulled up the anchor.
“NO MORE TAXES!” he cheered. “SCREW YOU, AMERICA!”
Things went okay for about a day, until government lawyers showed up.
“This extension cord is plugged into an American power source,” they said. “And your cell phone uses an American cell tower.”
So, he mounted solar panels, bought a satellite phone, and proudly cheered again.
Until he hit a rock and needed the Coast Guard.

My team doesn’t tell me…

My team doesn’t tells me when something changes.
It’s not that they forget to tell me.
When I walk into the room, they stop talking.
Or, if it’s important, they stop me in the hall and just stare at me.
Then they follow up with blank emails and memos.
Once, they hired a singing telegram, and the dancing girl stood there and stared at me.
Then, they hired a skywriter to fly his airplane around without releasing any smoke.
Another airplane flew around without a trailing banner.
As long as they keep filling out my paychecks properly, I don’t mind.

Weekly Challenge #638 – Chance

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Towel nest

LIZZIE

Take a chance, she said, perhaps you’ll win. And he took a chance, so full of himself. After all, he was super fit. He was given a small boat and told to row South, that he would find the beach. He did. The place was amazing. First few days were easy. Then, a terrifying storm arrived. Everything was damp. He couldn’t find any food anymore. Instead of building a shelter while he was strong, he sunbathed. And then they couldn’t find him. He was in the wrong beach. Take a chance… He almost died. He did win his life back.

CHARLIE

Chance has been my support dog for the last five years. He was a former detection dog for the local police department, but was retired when his handler made detective. I knew Chance when he was a pup, fresh from the breeder in The Netherlands.

Chance is solid black, weighs eighty nine pounds, and has an IQ higher than most of my friends.

Chance alerts me when I am impolite to strangers, when I backtalk my superiors, and when I feel like slamming some pissant in the face. He saved me a couple of times from flying off the handle.

#2

A typical game of chance in my town, is riding a bicycle on the public streets. We have an inordinate amount of over or under medicated seniors driving around. They go the wrong way on city streets, drive peeking through the spokes of the steering wheel, don’t use signals, drive with impaired vision, and with deficient reflexes.

Some of the poor devils leave the house and get lost at the store a half mile away. They forget why they are there, lock their keys in the ignition, leave their lights on, and leave their pets sweltering in the hot car.

#3

What am I thinking? I am writing a story with the cue word, chance. I am not intimidated, nor am I worried that I will not be able to come up with 100 words that include “chance” in the text.

I went to a summer camp when I was twelve. It was for rich kids and was called “Chance Ranch”. We were given guns when we got off the bus. Everyone had their own Kevlar vest. For the next two weeks we learned how to get along, control our tempers, and discourage counselors from cupping our balls in the pool.

TOM

Beyond Laid Back

My favorite line from Lord of the Rings is: A Chance Meeting, as we say in the Shire. It reminds me of life in Santa Cruz, California’s idea of the Shire. Once I witnessed the following on a bus ride. A young man looks up to see a young girl get on, breaks into a wide smile. They talk for a few minutes. It is obvious from their conversation they have lost track of each other’s whereabouts. As the guy departs the bus, he asks for her phone number. She declines, tell him, till we meet again. So Shire, fursure.

RICHARD

No chance

“No chance!”, I said when they asked me to join the office lottery syndicate.

“Seriously, do you realise just how much the odds are stacked against you? You’re more likely to be hit by lightning, or die falling out of bed!”

I decided to save my money, and laughed at the stupidity of the rest of those fools, throwing theirs away in the hope of those elusive numbers coming up.

Of course, I was laughing on the other side of my face when they did.

“Give me a break guys… You won’t miss a few thousand.”

Their response?

“No chance!”

SERENDIPITY

Some of the most momentous, life changing happenings occur completely by chance.

The chance encounter whilst stood at the bar: An encounter that leads to romance, and a lifetime partnership.

The chance remark in the heat of debate: A remark that starts the thought process that leads to groundbreaking innovation.

The chance interruption… The traffic jam; the diversion; the spilled drink; the wrong turn. The interruption that saves you from the disaster that lay, unseen in your future.

But not today.

Because today, chance has brought you my way.

I am your destiny, and I never leave things to chance.

JON

Game Show: Chance or Quit

By

Jon DeCles

“Mr. Kelly, you have a chance to win twenty billion squgwarts! Is that exciting?”

“Very exciting, Sir.”

“If you fail at this stage of the game, you will fall a thousand feet into an oubliette at the bottom of which are millions of ravenous, flesh-eating accountants? You got that?”

“That makes it all the more exciting!” said Mr. Kelly, who was already covered with a dark green fungus from the previous round.

“Here’s the question then: Why is a Raven Like a Writing Desk? Will you take the chance or will you quite?”

“It’s a chance I have to take!”

JEFFREY

The Final Adventure
by Jeffrey Fischer

The starship shuddered from another blast from the plasma monster. “Captain! Shields are down to 20%! If we don’t find a way to reverse course, we’re finished!” The captain drummed his fingers on his command chair, considering the options open to him. Direct remaining power to the engines? Tried and failed. Ditto blasting out. The bridge crew looked expectantly at their leader, but the captain’s expression was grim.

“Gentlemen, we’re out of options. It’s been my honor to work with every one of you. Comms, send a final message to HQ, warning other vessels to avoid this system.”

As the close-up shot of the captain faded and an ad for Ivory soap took its place, Allison gripped my hand. She asked “How will they defeat the monster? This is the end for all of them, isn’t it?”

“Not a chance. This season’s ratings have been through the roof. I expect to see previews of next season any day now.”

PHILIP

“Well. You’re welcome to come, if you want,” Linoliumanda said to Roderick.
“Not a chance,” he sneered and moved to the back of the bus.
“Is it really just us two at the party?” Billbert gulped.
Linoliumanda joined him.
“Yeah. I don’t have many friends.” She sighed.
“Why not? You seem nice to me,” Billbert said, discretely sniffing the air for unusual smells.
“Thanks.” She smiled. “I think most kids are afraid of my father. Sometimes he shouts and threatens.”
“Really? Doesn’t that bother you?”
“Oh, no. He never threatens or yells at me,” she laughed. “Only people I’m with.”

PLANET Z

There’s always a chance of a bird strike at an airport.
Tens of thousands of starlings live in the woods and ravines around the airport, and they sometimes fly into the runways and the engines of planes taking off.
So, we send out the Falconmaster with his team of falcons.
Birds naturally avoid birds of prey, so they stayed away from the runways.
There hadn’t been a bird strike in over ten years.
The university came up with a technological solution.
A robotic falcon drone.
It worked well, until someone hijacked the signal.
And ran it into a plane’s engine.

The next weekly challenge topic is Quill

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

Every week, I post a topic for the Weekly Challenge, where you come up with the stories and I collect them up and share them.

Want to give it a try? The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is Quill:

Write a 100 word story on that topic. Then, send it in an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Do you have a website where people can learn more about you and your writing? Include the URL to that website.

Also, suggest a topic or topics for future Weekly Challenges.

Most importantly, include a recording of your story. Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it. I am not recording your story for you.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

JAN 7 Slack
JAN 14 Involved
JAN 21 Smartypants
JAN 28 PICK TWO
Corner
Tiger
Tie
Please
Encountered
Obsolete
Winter
Webcam

FEB 4 Why not?
FEB 11 If only I had…
FEB 18 Grab a bag…
FEB 25 PICK TWO
Native
Drumroll
Brothers
Web
Pi(e)
Slice
Ticker
Tower
Elephant

MAR 4 Generally
MAR 11 Braided
MAR 18 Water
MAR 25 PICK TWO
Fail
Globe
Sunny
Wee
Shift
Well
Butter
Wilco
Grass

APR 1 Hardly
APR 8 Vibration
APR 15 Weak
APR 22 Camping
APR 29 PICK TWO
Granite
Pertinent
Record
Surely
Tag
Bridge
Proud
Detective
Tarp
Caramel

MAY 6 Fly
MAY 13 Organ
MAY 20 Pizza
MAY 27 PICK TWO
Doc
Grumpy
Happy
Sleepy
Dopey
Bashful
Sneezy

JUNE 3 Tip
JUNE 10 Ratchet
JUNE 17 Wafer
JUNE 24 PICK TWO
Prompt
Screech
Future
Gyrate
Frustration
Majestic
Fired
Packer

JULY 1 Never say…
JULY 8 Stab
JULY 15 Chance
JULY 22 Quill
JULY 29 PICK TWO
Mug
Unfortunate
Global
Grime
Elephant
Splat
Dread

AUG 5 Power
AUG 12 When the lights went out…
AUG 19 Flay
AUG 26 PICK TWO
Mask
Pinprick
Out of sync
Grapes
Rose
Drive
Print
Darling
Terminal

SEP 2 Win
SEP 9 Driver error
SEP 16 Addictive
SEP 23 Chaos
SEP 30 PICK TWO
Minefield
Fountain
Angle
Craft
Sodium
Salute
Engine
Candle
Case

OCT 7 Dug
OCT 14 Mystery
OCT 21 Turtle
OCT 28 PICK TWO
Pagoda
Winner
Rustic
Confusing
Grinding
Patience
Arthur
Crypt

NOV 4 Dispute
NOV 11 Braced
NOV 18 Flower
NOV 25 PICK TWO
Bubbling
Saffron
Lime
Axial
Repetition
Can
Spaceship

DEC 2 Too much
DEC 8 Polar
DEC 16 Belt
DEC 23 Irritation
DEC 30 PICK TWO
Reflect
Pounce
Gymnastics
Obsolete
Engage
Girls
Easier

Memory Foam

I bought a memory foam mattress.
It’s comfortable. And I sleep well.
At least I thought I did.
Turns out, I toss and turn all night.
But the foam absorbs my memories.
So I forget the discomfort and restlessness. And the pain.
That would be fine, as long as I don’t forget anything else.
I assume that the memories aren’t totally gone.
They’re in the mattress. Deep in there.
Years of lost sleep.
Years of my life, good and bad.
Years of time with you.
Whoever you are, because for the life of me, I can’t remember who you are.

Release Cycle

We release new versions of the software every four months.
At the end of the development cycle, we declare a feature freeze.
Then, we test all of the features of the software to make sure it all works.
Once we finish testing, we release it to the public.
Developers and companies who need advance copies of features in development can join the bleeding edge releases.
That way, they can test against the upcoming features.
What? We’re changing to three month cycles?
And some day, maybe even two-week cycles?
I get out my aspirin bottle.
Ah, aspirin. Some things never change.

Transportation Vacation

Ships leave once a month to carry men sentenced to transportation.
Exile to Australia.
The trip from England to Australia is a long one, and perilous.
Some crew stab their passengers mid-journey.
Others throw them overboard into the ocean.
A few show mercy, and release them in Africa or some island.
The crew then estimates how long it would take to get to Australia, resupply, and then head back home.
And they go on a vacation.
Whores in Madrid? Wine in Paris?
Whatever, as long as it doesn’t involve smelly, evil prisoners.
Until they need to go back for more.

The Flagpole

I looked out my office window at the next building over.
Their flag is at half mast.
I don’t know of anyone famous that has died recently. Or any local disasters.
Maybe someone at their office died.
That’s a shame.
So, is there a job opening?
Or maybe someone’s husband died… are they hot? Or a rich widow? Or widower?
Maybe I should go over there and offer my condolences.
And bring something… maybe flowers?
They have some nice flowers in the landscaping around the flagpole.
I could pick some of those.
But I’ll wait until lunch to do it.

Jackie the Joke Man

When Jackie was growing up, other kids would tell him “Tell us a joke, man!”
So, Jackie became Jackie the Joke Man.
He tried to turn it into a job, but he struggled.
Folks would say “Jackie, you’re a joke, man!”
He stuck with it, toured and made albums, wrote for popular television and radio shows, and made a decent living.
Now, the young comedians steal his material, and audiences accuse Jackie of stealing their material?
Jackie doesn’t like that shit, and he tracks them down.
“Okay, put down that gun!” they scream. “I’ll pay you for your joke, man!”

New credit card

My credit card expired, so the credit card company sent me a new card in the mail.
I opened the envelope and left it on the table to remind me to activate it.
The next morning, as I was going through my list of tasks to do before heading to work, I saw that the envelope was covered with cat barf.
“Which of you two shits did this?” I asked our cats.
Both just stared back at me, sitting comfortably, and crooking their tails happily.
I guess I won’t be using this card to buy cat treats any time soon.