French Crime

Most professors get letters from former students thanking them for something they taught them.

Yeah, I get letters from my former students, too. But they all come from prisons and mental institutions.

And they curse me for turning them to a life of crime, madness, and suffering.

Look here, man: I teach Introductory French.

How exactly does Introductory French cause people to turn out so badly?

None of the students ever explain how I’m to blame for their predicament. They just blame me for their woes. And curse me.

The least they could do is write their letters in French.

Weekly Challenge #431 – Boggle

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was BOGGLE.

We’ve got stories by:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of LIMBO…

Myst sprawl

JOHN MUSICO

Boogled Means Overwhelmed.
by John Musico

That’s Saturday mornings for me.
I can’t buffer it during the week.
The laundry hasn’t accrued to a full load yet, nor the dishes for the dishwasher. The trash bag isn’t yet full, nor the sediment in the pool for backwashing,
nor the dog poop pen for putting it in a plastic bag.
I wake every Saturday morning, make my errand list, and stare at it, stymied by its length; unachievable and thus destined to spill into Sunday. This leaves me with no weekend peace to recharge my batteries and face another grueling week at the office. Yeah, I’m boogled.

JEFFREY

A Random Walk Down Wall Street
By Jeffrey Fischer

John Bogle, founder and long-time Chairman of the investment firm Vanguard, was a staunch proponent of index investing. The logic is simple: because stock prices already incorporate all relevant information about the company’s expected future profits, there’s no gain in paying a fund manager to try to pick winners. Over time, he won’t be able to beat the market. Index funds are cheap to administer and deliver an average return, year in, year out.

Over time, Bogle’s vision continued to catch on. Eventually, every investor made a single investment choice: an index fund of the entire market. No one wanted to trade, because that merely meant exchanging one index for another. Wall Street collapsed. Investors lost everything.

Well, every investor but one. You see, despite his advice to his clients, John Bogle kept his salary under his mattress.

Closing the Deal
By Jeffrey Fischer

For their fourth date, Suzie invited Alan back to her place, to “play games.” Naturally, Alan agreed eagerly. He arrived at her apartment on time, freshly showed and shaved, with a bottle of wine and an expectant grin on his face. She escorted him into her main room, pointed at a shelf of board games, and said, “You’re the guest. Pick one.”

Okay, Alan said to himself, you can still salvage the evening. Find a game you know, play just badly enough to let her win several times, and suggest retiring to the bedroom as a consolation prize. What could possibly go wrong?

He quickly scanned the game choices. He had never heard of most of them. He had vaguely heard of Boggle, so he chose it.

As it turned out, Suzie had a tiny vocabulary and was terrible at identifying words in the grid. Alan won game after game, despite trying to lose, and Suzie was near tears. Finally, Alan could take no more and apologized for winning, explaining that he tried hard to lose but she was just hopeless.

This was not a good strategy, he reflected on the lonely walk back to his place.

RICHARD

#1 – George’s Story – Part 64: Wheels

George leaned against the sign, peering into the enclosure at the irate rhino, and as the realisation of just how narrow his escape had been hit him, his mind boggled.

His ordeal wasn’t yet over – somewhere outside, the hungry lion was stalking and George couldn’t stay hidden away forever.

Gingerly, he peered through the glass panel in the exit door, and his heart thumped: not more than a dozen paces from him stood a zoo landrover – and he could see the keys tantalisingly in the ignition.

He gathered his nerve, took several deep breaths, before exploding outwards through the door.

#2 – Dummy

Being brought up by ventriloquists has not made for an easy life.

Learning to speak certainly isn’t simple, even at the best of times, but when you have to struggle with the tortured consonants and strangled sibilants of a verbally-challenged voice thrower, things become horribly complex: verbs vacillate, clauses collapse and sentences stutter.

It’s taken me years to get to grips with simple, everyday speech, and even now sometimes I struggle. There are few things more embarrassing than going to a bar and hearing yourself ordering a ‘boggle of beer’ – and that is why I only ever drink pints!

#3 – Quest

The Boggle, bemused, stared up at the imposing figure of the wizard filling his doorway.

“You want me to go on a quest, involving magical rings, orcs and a large dragon?”

“That’s about the gist of it”, replied the wizard.

“Well”, replied the Boggle, “I’m flattered, but it’s breakfast time – and, to be honest, I’m not really the sort for heroism and dragons, so I think I’ll decline your generous offer.”

The wizard sighed as the door closed in his face – that was the fourteenth Boggle to turn him down… maybe he should have tried the Hobbits first, after all.

TOM

A Well Define Relationship Part 60

After about 15 minutes each of our heroes had perfected a different offensive stance. Timmy weaved, Smith rolled, Dino crept, the Doc flopped, and Sparky spieled. Not to be out maneuvered the bandits developed an array of animal count movements. The crane, the wiener dog, the otter, the tree frog the three leg cat, and the Star-nosed mole. The ballet in the bog had disintegrated into a Double Zero Sum game. El Cid had gained a momentary upper hand over the doctor. Mrs. Parsons laid her rail gun to his temple. The bandit slowly raised open hands skyward. “Game Over.”

TURA

Boggle
——–
I was born in Edinburgh, where the buses are red. One day, when I was very young, the family received a picture postcard from a relative in Aberdeen. The picture showed a stretch of countryside. In which there was a road. On which there was a bus.

The bus was blue.

I boggled at this IMPOSSIBLE object. How could a BUS be BLUE? It was like looking at a square circle.

But of course, a bus is whatever colour the bus company has it painted.

I wonder, what other merely parochial customs am I still mistaking for laws of nature?

SERENDIPITY

Boggle Marsh is an evil place – they say those who enter it, return changed forever… if they return at all!

Unwary travellers would be wise to stay away… stay safe… stay alive.

What lies within?

They say that at its heart dwells a great evil: feeding on the souls of the lost – its power will rend you asunder, and those who perish in the Marshes’ murky depths never truly die, but spend an eternity in suffering.

So much for legends… All I ask is that you stay the hell away from my little cottage, at the heart of Boggle Marsh.

MUNSI

Boggle

By Chris Munroe

Certain situations defy description, defy comprehension. They’re said to boggle the mind.

But can only the mind be boggled? Can a circumstance boggle the body?

Can a sufficiently uncoordinated person, forced into some sort of physical feat, find himself so out of his depth, so beyond his skill set that physicality itself reels at the immensity of what he’s been charged with doing?

Can he find himself in a position, be it sport or stunt or herculean trial, that defies description, defies comprehension? One that boggles the body?

What do you think of THAT notion?

How’s your mind?

Boggled?

Good…

ZACKMANN

I’m confused about the application of technology on the English language even our United States corruption of it. Not long ago I could not figure out how to conjugate the word “Fax”. Now with ebooks, emusic, and software, I don’t know the best way to say “spend money for permission to use something for as long as it is convenient for the company that sold the licence to you.” It seems improper to say you buy digital content since that would imply ownership, buy a licence to use is clunky, rent or lease seems to imply set dates. I’m boggled.

CHELSEA

Now
Won
Sent
Tweets
Bootie
Townee … Good one
Bowed … Yes!
Newest
Newness… Why didn’t I see that
Woodies … Are you kidding me?

What are you doing? He asked

Playing boggle! She answered. Testees! Woohoo!

Who are you playing against? He returned, looking over her shoulder.

Myself she answers flatly, and that bitch is besting me…. Bones!

Okay…. He replied, slowly backing away. I’ll just leave you too it.

He backed over to where his son was standing.

What’s going on dad? The boy asked

Your mother is playing competitive boggle against herself again. He answered, let’s go out for pizza.

LIZZIE

“I need spine surgery.” Tessa’s work colleague John always found a way out of work. “I have a brain tumor!”

As a matter of fact, he claimed to be a good friend of most of the medical staff at the hospital.

One day, Tessa accidentally… on purpose… made him trip in the corridor at the office. John grumbled all the way to the hospital.

A boggled Tessa wheeled him through the corridors. “No one is acknowledging you…”

“Ungrateful people… I practically paid for the whole new surgery wing,” replied John.

Tessa sighed deeply, thinking to herself “some things never change”.

DIONYSIUS

Boggled to Death

When Joey was picked up he didn’t know what it was for.

A guy who said he was a lawyer told Joey it was capital murder. Did he know what that meant?

He had to sit in the trial. Joey couldn’t get what all the bits and tidbits were to put together. Lots of talking. Did he understand.

Funny it made him think of a thing they showed him one time called Boggle. When they told him to stand up. That word. Letters that made words they said. Some people had to be quiet.

Some media picked up the story that he smiled when he was sentenced. Unrepentant.

Psych Boggled

The sign said, Fort nesT old A vice Ps chic. It wasn’t a good start.

Inside, there was a smell of stale cookies.

Daisy and I confessed to the Ps chic that we couldn’t decide if we should get pregnant.

She pulled out a standard Boggle game and asked for twenty dollars. Who was I to question Parker Brothers? Monopoly money wasn’t accepted.

I found, yes, yessir, yessiree, and uhhuh. Si no good.

No doesn’t have three letters, I pointed out.

Still she found nope and hellno. Nein. Non. And uhuh.

Do you have a Magic 8-Ball, Ps? I asked.

The Ps chic said, Don’t count on it.

RICK

Understanding a woman’s mind is a tall order!
First one must comprehend that whatever they are thinking, is generally trumped by what they are feeling.
The innermost workings of their minds are typically revolving around ways of
expressing those feelings, and having them validated.
Don’t get me wrong … I’m no misogynist!!!
Without women … men wouldn’t even know that feelings are things …
much less that they are important things!

They are the Yin to our Yang!
They bring balance to the universe!
They make our species relevant …

That said …

If not for sex … there would be a bounty on their heads!!!

NORVAL JOE

Mike and Mary spread their blanket on the beach, ready for romance under the stars.
Mike excused himself to pee behind the sand dunes.
When he returned Mary thought he seemed confused. He spoke strangely and said they should sit in the car.
When Mike returned to the blanket, he thought Mary seemed confused. She said they should go down to the breakers.
When Mary’s dad found the car she was in the back seat, naked to the waist and asleep. They found Mike on the beach, naked, wrapped in kelp.
The couple had fallen victim to the dune boggles.

DANNY

I recently heard the quote “If we do not feel happy with what we already have, what makes us believe we would be happy with more?” What boggles my mind is I truly believe I would be happier with less. Honestly, I don’t want to have to mow a lawn once a week, I don’t want to have to make crippling monthly car loan payments for an overpriced Mercedes to impress neighbors and co-workers who I never talk to because they are complete and utter douche bags. Why is it boggling your minds that I’m finally standing up and stating the truth?

PLANET Z

You know those pharmaceutical commercials and the long lists of side effects they read?

There was one drug that didn’t have any side effects at all.

No dizziness.
No stomach pains.
No rectal bleeding.
No side effects at all.

My mind was completely boggled.

Which made me wonder if that was a side effect. To have your mind boggle when you hear that the drug has no side effects.

I called the FDA, but nobody picked up the phone. Or answered their email.

Boggled minds!

It spread until nobody could do anything.

All for some goddamed prescription vaginal freshness cream.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is Limbo

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is Limbo.

Want to give it a shot? Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

- The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
- Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
- A topic for the next Weekly Challenge.
- And a recording of your story (and any shameless plugs).

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, go to Drabblecast. They’ll record it for you. Here, we speak in our own voices.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

COMING SOON:
Media
Age
Ace
Load
Fork
Vice
Guard
Always
Brass
Superconducting
Skeleton
Doom
X
Brain
Bank
Community
Cranberries
Shoe
Patient
New Jersey
Underground
Value
Piracy
Mess

Lost A Friend

When a friend dies, I never say I’ve lost a friend.

No, they’re still my friend. I just won’t hear from them quite as often as I used to.

And it’s even more unlikely that I’ll get back that five bucks they owed me.

As for friends you lose because they’re not your friends anymore, well, were they ever really your friend?

If that friendship was so weak that it took something less than death to end, then it wasn’t a true friendship.

So take my advice: if you want to keep your friends forever, kill them all right now.

Too Big

I’m too fat to use the stairs and you can’t always depend on elevators working, so I always live on the first floor.

“You should lose weight,” people tell me.

No shit. Really?

I can’t exercise because I’m too fat.

And I can’t diet because I’ve got other medical issues. I’ve spent days with the best nutritionists and doctors, but none could figure out how to reduce my intake without killing me.

So, I live down on the first floor.

And I haul myself from the van to my front door.

Soon, I’ll need a wheelchair.

A really big wheelchair.

Kill Bill

I know a couple who was so into Quentin Tarantino movies that they rented a small Texas church for their wedding and hired the actor who played the preacher in Kill Bill to officiate.

They tried to get Samuel L. Jackson to play organ, but he couldn’t actually play, and he didn’t want to work for scale.

The wedding was interrupted by armed actors playing assassins, and the church was awash in death.

Real blood. Real gore.

Someone got the blanks mixed up with real bullets.

The survivors tried to sue Quentin Tarantino, but the judge threw out the case.