Huevos

I thought about making up my own religion, but decided that it was easier to just corrupt an existing religion.

So, I found a small town in Ecuador and, through trickery and technological sorcery, convinced the people that the Easter Bunny was real, and he demanded painted eggs as sacrifices.

Any home without decorated eggs gets a visit from the bunny, and he steals the testicles of all the men.

After a few years, I went back to the town.

All the men had painted their balls bright colors.

Next time, I hire a professional translator instead of using Google.

Zymurgist

Due to budget cutbacks, the school district laid off all the guidance counselors. They were replaced with hats that contained strips of paper with the names of careers written on them.

Students line up, pick a career name out of a hat, and then pick classes based on the skill requirements of that job.

They used to flip through a book and stick their finger on a page to pick out a career.

But the book was in alphabetical order, and word spread fast that the last career in the book was Zymurgist.

Speaking of which, care for another beer?

Thank You Notes

When I was young, I got the crappiest gifts from my relatives.
Socks. Ugly sweaters. Inedible sugar-free candy.
You know, shit like that.
So, I never wrote thank you notes to them, because I wasn’t going to thank them for crappy gifts.
One year, my mother arranged for everyone to send me packages of thank you notes as gifts.
They were made from heavy stock paper.
Perfect for making paper airplanes.
They kept their shape, and flew longer than simple notebook or copy paper.
I’d have thanked them for the notes, but I used them all up making the airplanes.

The Long Distance Kiss Goodbye

The first time you needed help, I helped you.

And you thanked me.

But when I needed help, where were you?

“I’m busy,” you said.

Busy.

I got through it on my own, but it hurt. A lot.

You live, you learn.

And you remember these things.

Now you’re back, all bloody and begging for help again.

No.

Don’t spit in my face and tell me it’s a long-distance kiss, baby.

I know the difference.
And you know the difference.

It takes a lot of strength to put the past behind us.

I slowly close the door, and whisper “Goodbye.”

Shampoopoo

Every week, shampoo manufacturers come up with a new formula that incorporates some obscure and absurd natural ingredient like monkeypuzzle tree oil or himalayan yak scrotum shavings.

Sure, the supermodels in the commercials are practically orgasmic over their shiny and bouncy full hair, but all I ever want is to shed less dandruff and not smell like a flower shop.

Nope. It’s impossible to get shampoo without this wacky Amazonian rainforest crap in it anymore. I’m stuck with hyacinth pollen extract reviving my roots and Mongolian rose elbows on my split ends.

No wonder why Bruce Willis shaves his head.

Weekly Challenge #447 – Bank

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic: BANK

We’ve got stories by:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of COMMUNITY. Scroll up and click on Weekly Challenge to learn how to join us!

Tinny and Java

JOHN MUSICO

I Rest On The Banks of Lullaby River
by John Musico

On the soft mossy banks of Lullaby River is where I yearned to be,
golden sunshine glows always on those warm banks, as the reeds sway ever so slow, and peacefully
On the soft mossy banks of Lullaby River is where I yearned to be,
time stands still, all one need do is breathe the sweet scent from nearby gardenias, which bloom eternally.
On the soft mossy banks of Lullaby River is where I yearned to be,
the babbling of the brook is as children laughing gleefully.
On the soft mossy banks of Lullaby River is where they buried me….

The Birth of Chase Bank

Young Chase marveled at his financial genius.
He shared his idea with his father.
I ask everyone to give me all their money. And, I charge them a fee for doing so. I invest it. If I profit, the money is mine. What do you think, not bad eh?
The father scoffed; “That’s absurd young man, why would anyone agree to such a foolish thing?”
The son continued. I will construct a huge vault patrolled by armed guards. I can’t be robbed so neither could they”. The father reflected; “Hmm, maybe you got something there son.” Chase bank was born.

MUNSI

On the Process of Memory

By Christopher Munroe

Every moment of my life, everything that matters, every face and name, good time and bad, everything I do still need to know.

The moments that, as a whole, have made me “Me”, and all I’ve learned and lived and loved and done, each thing I’ve wanted, every failure and success, every thing I’ve tried to do…

…I keep them near me at all times, close to me, dear to me, easily at hand should the time come when I need them, at my fingertips.

They’re spray-painted across the very walls of this fine city.

For I… Am Memory Banksey!!!

ANIMA

-Pennies from Heaven_

Mama! Mama! It’s raining pennies from heaven!
I swear girl, what an imagination you have!
It’s true, on my honour! – Can’t you hear it hitting the roof?
That’s just the rain. Make sure you put on your boots and raincoat if you go out to play. The last thing I need is you catching cold.
Jilly dutifully pulled on her boots – and grabbed the biggest bag she could find.
Outside, she not only picked up the pennies, but the dimes and quarters too. Moist change sparkled everywhere.
She laughed, splashing happily in puddles as made her way to the bank.

JEFFREY

Undertow
by Jeffrey Fischer

The river was swollen with recent rain and the current was strong. The path along the riverbank was peaceful, however, and she walked alone in quiet contemplation. One step was all it would take. One step into the raging river, to be caught in the undertow and from there carried to oblivion. The darkness could have her.

Yet she kept walking, one step and then another. She didn’t know where this path would end, and some small spark in her mind needed to know. The darkness would always be there. The undertow could wait for another day.

The Heist
by Jeffrey Fischer

Frank said, “Okay, guys, just one more explosive charge and we’re all set.” The robbers had tunneled into the basement of the bank and worked most of the night. They blew the vault open and the gang moved in.

But the C4 did more than destroy the steel vault. Mortar fell from the ceiling and support pillars began crumbling. Soon the entire bank had collapsed. Frank’s last thought was that it was often easier to get into a bank than out of one.

RICHARD

#1 – George’s Story – Part 79: Security booth

George didn’t make it to intensive care – he was sidetracked en route by a flickering glow from a small anteroom: a security booth, with a bank of still-functioning monitors covering one wall.

He became pretty excited at this find – if nothing else, he could keep safe here tonight and keep an eye on his surroundings without leaving the safety of the room.

Then he noticed the labels beneath each screen, describing the camera locations. One set in particular caught his attention: four views neatly labelled ‘Beta 1’ to ‘Beta 4’.

His heart raced – he was finally on to something!

#2 – Sperm Bank

My first visit to the sperm bank wasn’t a resounding success – firstly, they insisted on an appointment… “Can’t I just give my deposit to one of your girls?”, I asked? Apparently not.

I enquired what sort of interest I could expect, only to receive a hard stare and be told they had no interest in my deposit – it’s strictly business they said.

But I really upset them when I asked about withdrawing at short notice… perhaps to splash out on the girlfriend, for her birthday?

They escorted me from the premises.

So I’m saving it in a biscuit tin instead.

CHELSEA

Bank

We put all kinds of things in banks. Money no surprise there, but other things too. They are the best place to hid things you don’t want others to find. Your deepest darkest secrets locked away forever or your most precious items safeguarded for the next generation for a nominal fee.

We also store other more unusual things in banks and interestingly enough, not usually for ourselves. Blood banks and organ banks are used to store things for others that we have donated either willingly or posthumously.

Makes me wonder when banks acquired so many levels and so much power.

TOM

Fire Boss

Rudy released the payload into the canyon. He had to bank hard left to put the plane on the fire line. To get out of the canyon he had to bank hard right to top the edge of the fire. Then a final bank to compensate the effect of the lake directly below. On pass 13 over the wild fire one banking brushed the tree line, set the wing a blaze, the only safe place to dig the plane was the lake. The AT-802 disappear into the water as the fire creased the ridge and burnt to the short line.

First we kill all the bankers
Once a upon a time I wrote a check for $20. Unfortunately a balance of $19 caused an overdraft charge of $20. Shame on me. There was no longer any money in the account so I went to the merchant and gave him a $20 bill, then went to the bank paid for a stop payment on the check, $20 for the overdraft and another $20 to have some padding in the account. The teller promised me the new balance and cancelation would be posted before reconciliation. Three days later I got yet another $20 overdraft because of a rounding error and the second submit on the check they failed to do a stop payment. The fucking postage stamp on the letter was more that the difference in the balance. I called the main branch to seek satisfaction, they told me I could file a claim that would cost, you guessed it, $20 to process. That evening I glued a 20 cent stamp on to a brick and sent it through a $1000 of plate glass at the main branch of the bank. Was it wrong, yes. Was it transcendently satisfying, yes. Would I do it again, in a heartbeat.

LIZZIE

The remodeling of the offices was finished after two long months. The employees coughed their way through heavy dust; many continued to suffer for months. When one of them, Charles, fell ill, no one was surprised. As soon as Charles returned to work, they noticed that he could breathe much better. They asked him if he could help them. Charles never told them directly what he did, but he muttered “I’ll help you,” whipping off a bit of saliva from the corner of his mouth. In the end, remodeling didn’t stop at the offices; the staff got remodeled as well.

SERENDIPITY

I planned the bank raid meticulously – months of careful planning, intensive observation and in-depth research were about to come together.

Everything was going perfectly to plan: alarm safely disabled and security locks defeated, I was about to achieve my goal.

A cold draught escaped the vault, as the door slowly swung open and there, inside was the treasure I’d come to find.

No gold, silver or banknotes to be found in this vault – for this was a different sort of bank…

All the fresh, healthy, human blood I could ever wish for… gallons of the lovely liquid!

SPATE

First Seraphim Savings Bank

Are you tired of trying to live the chaste life of a saint in hopes of a
happy hereafter?

Do you find yourself uncomfortable leaving your personal salvation in the
hands of some remote third party?

Well, here at First Seraphim Savings Bank you can deposit your soul in one
of our hermetically sealed, climate controlled, Satan proof vaults and go
party like the devil with full confidence that when it’s time to move
towards that big bright white light, your record will be clean as a whistle.

First Seraphim Savings Bank: we keep souls sinless with interest.

Member FDIC.

ZACKMANN

Guido and Nunzi sat on the bank in front of the credit union just watching the river flow and listening to JG Banks and Jen discuss the latest bank heist movie on Talk Nerdy 2 Me waiting for the food bank to open. A gross of Spam cans had fallen of a truck and Guido wished to make a deposit as long as they didn’t ask too many questions. People mysteriously disappeared if asking too many questions around Guido or if considering answering the wrong questions in court. Nobody know why. Just ask anyone. You can bank on their silence.

DIONYSIUS

Stay Hungry

They skirted the range of trees bounding the mountain of waste. The usual bank of clouds in the west. No one knew what it meant. A movement made them stop.

He remembered standing beside a mound of iced crab legs. He’d convinced Lisa that afternoon with the line that it might be their last chance. Ever. She couldn’t focus, though. A refugee to the midwest.

He could see them now. The yell — that was their sign to eat.

He often remembered the almost empty room with the crab legs, and the line they’d always used: All this is for you. Stay hungry.

LADY BLUE

(Last week’s)

Physical Attraction
by Blue berry

I love your eyes. Large, glistening white orbs with the most brilliant cerulean blue irises that stare at me from out of their glass container. Aren’t you glad we switched from formaldehyde to vodka my sweet? They preserve that blue so well.

I love your heart. Strong, shapely, and not a single blockage anywhere that I could see. You took very good care of it, didn’t you, love?

Most of all, I love your brain – your raised, perfectly formed gyri, separated by the delicate indentations of sulci. Took me forever to take it out of you. Until you stopped moving.

(This week’s)

Bank Heist Gone Wrong
by the true Blue

I took out the driver with the sack of pennies that I had stolen from the bank. Who knew that the force of the impact would shatter his skull and render him rather incapacitated.

So incapacitated, that he keeled over onto the steering wheel, which, from his weight, spun to the left. It sent our bus careening into the path of an oncoming truck that had been carrying a load of fat, chubby….aliens? Wait. ZOMBIE killer aliens!

Okay, how about this…

…careening into the path of a..

-looking out my window- Dodge caravan?

Well, balls! I hate writer’s block.

NORVAL JOE

Dergle and the Crazy Old Cat Lady were escorted from the small waiting room down a long passage to another room. It was dark and light from the doorway shown upon a few wooden chairs in the center of the room.
“Sit,” Garbage Man told them and closed the door, leaving them in total darkness.
On the wall in front of them a bank of monitors lit up showing video and still images captured by closed circuit TV’s.
Half of the monitors had images of Dergle. However, what was truly frightening, was many of the images were from months before.

TURA

Bank
——–
At first, people traded favours on credit, remembering who owed what. Then they used pieces of gold to keep track. Then they stored the gold in banks, and traded pieces of paper saying what gold they had. Then they got rid of the gold and just traded the paper. Then computers were invented and they got rid of the paper. Then the internet was invented and now a bank isn’t even something you can see.

So how about we go back to trading favours? You hand over that Rolex, and I won’t shoot you. You can’t say fairer than that!

PLANET Z

There used to be these organizations called blood banks that processed and stored human blood for emergencies. But now that universal blood substitute can be manufactured as needed, the blood banks went away.

Same with organ transplant lists. Bioprinters took care of that desperate and difficult need.

Everything is digital credit these days, so financial banks are all on the net, staffed by artificial intelligence and managed by just a few humans here and there as per government regulations.

The only banks I know are growing are solar array banks. To power the AI masters.

Until we smash them all.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is COMMUNITY

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is COMMUNITY.

Want to give it a shot? Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following in your email:

– The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
– Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
– A topic for the next Weekly Challenge.
– And a recording of your story (and any shameless plugs).

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

COMING SOON:
Cranberries
Shoe
Patient
New Jersey
Underground
Value
Piracy
Mess
If you’re happy and you know it
Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal, and Gilgamesh (The Mesopotamians!)
Eat
I’ve got nothing
Strike
After
Trench
South
Paint
Correct
Pen
Pan
Let’s create a pantheon. The God(dess) of _________________.
Anchor
Fit
Troll
A word that doesn’t exist
Cheese
Try
ounce
wave
tramps
sing