Weekly Challenge #438 – Vice

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic: VICE

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The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of VICE…

Tinny!

DANNY

Incoherent ramblings rumble through my mind as Miami Vice, not the NBC show about busting sex rings, but the actual factory that makes industrial strength vices for automotive workshops around the United States closes its doors because it was outsourced to China. The hookers are totally fooled. They line up for blocks outside the doors because they assume the factory must be filled with johns lining up for last desperate blow jobs after being told they are fired. After all, this is the factory district. Not amused, NBC decides to reinstate Miami Vice after it was canceled indefinitely for retooling.

CHELSEA

Vice

I won’t deny it, there are things, many things that Indulge in. Nothing too hard core. No heavy drugs or gambling or anonymous sex. I’ve thankfully managed to keep away from anything that will kill me, quickly at least.

I do smoke and drink on occasion. I eat too much junk food, I spend too much time surfing the net and playing on line for it to be strictly normal.

But, at the end do the day, of all the things in indulge in, you my darling, are the one thing I just can’t get enough of. My sweetest Vice.

MUNSI

Vices

By Christopher Munroe

We all have vices.

The drink too many at the pub, the cigarette habit we can’t seem to overcome, an annual trip to Vegas that always winds up over its initial gambling budget…

…some, out of our mind on hallucinogens, might kill a stranger with our bare hands because it’s the only way we can achieve orgasm.

I, out of my mind on hallucinogens, kill strangers with my bare hands because it’s the only way I can achieve orgasm.

But that’s beside the point.

The point is, we all have vices.

So how can we judge the vices of others?

DIONYSIUS

Virtues and Vices

Yeah. Maybe you heard that sayin’, Virtues turns into vices and vices turns into virtues.

The others nodded.

Buck was a goddamn good dog.

Once I bought this mamacow, wild as a deer, right off the reservation I guess and damned if she didn’t come after me soon as I let her out. Buck jumped right in there ‘til she
chased him ‘round the truck ‘n’ high-tailed it.

He had one vice, chasin’ cars. He just didn’t know what to do with it when he finally caught one.

Hell if I know what that has to do with virtue, he laughed. Pass me ‘nother beer.

The Way to a Man’s Heart

The way to a man’s heart, my mother said, is through his vices. For years I assumed this meant sex, so I catered to Dick’s desires.

And we got married. But after eight years of marriage, I realized that his real vices were lying on the lounger, a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other, a bag, box, or plate of fat on his fat belly, watching sports. The sex had been a test.

My mother’s wisdom still worked, though. I dutifully brought him beer, cigarettes, and fat. That man’s vices were the best way to his heart.

Resentment

You’d think an “omnipotent Being” wouldn’t have a problem with motivation,you know? You can do whatever you want!

I mean, in the beginning He had some big ideas , and you could look forward to fucking them up. And because He had those big plans, I was able to promote some major sins in those days. The Fall of Man — that was a day’s work. That was more than a vice! Nowadays you get vices at best.

Mass murders? Abuse of women and children? Slaughters of innocents? They don’t last.

Is it my fault? I can’t do nothin’ about procrastination.

Embarrassing

Well, said my mother, this is a story that embarrasses me.

My wife Susan and I were relaxing with her and my stepdad on their back porch. He’d just said how the hospital bill for his first daughter was only $52.

When Jim was born, the BlueCrossBlueShield paid everything — except we paid $57 to get him circumcised. When I took him back, Dr. Smith took a look and said, Well, we circumcised the wrong baby.

My stepdad asked her, Should you be talking about that in front of Susan?

I think she knows, said my mother. I can’t imagine why I never asked for my $57 back.

NORVAL JOE

Dergle stood in the dark surveying the kennels in his back yard. The girls in one to the right and the boys on the left. Twenty three dogs in all.
Some would consider it a vice to have so many dogs.
Not Dergle. To him a wiener dog was a symbol of strength, of power, of tenacity and endurance. The more wiener dogs one could own, the greater a persons capacity and influence.
He had struggled to use his powers for good only to be discounted and dismissed.
The world would rue the day Dergle turned his efforts to evil.

TOM

Well Defined Relationship Part 67

“Ouch,” said mother. One of the tiny spaceships was glowing.

“Engineering on my mark all power to the shields,” said the captain. “Helm, Vice Maneuver Zed 9 on ten.” “Data reverse the polarity on the trakyon stream.”

“Captain, the life force has released the hull. We are in freefall.”

Before the Duke could reach out the Enterprise was skimming above the mud. When the DeathStar fired up the death ray mother dropped it also. It landed in the mud popped three times and imploded.

“Best you give me that one back,” said the Duke holding up a tiny jump gate.

Grandpa’s Vice

Benny was not allowed to touch anything in his Grandfather’s shop, lots of really sharp stuff. It was clear from observing his uncles that no one questioned the old man’s word. The joke in the family was he brought you into the world, he could just as easily take you out. Benny thought it odd no one laughed at the joke. Knowing the need to impress a young mind with an adequate practical demonstration Grandpa took a piece of copper tubing put it in the iron vice and spun the handle crushing it.

“Here,” said grandpa, “you can touch this.”

Nearly a Saint

I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t gamble. I don’t covet wives, goods, or goats. I don’t do coffee, coke, or coco puffs. I really don’t have much in the way of vices, but if computer were on the list of Seven Deadly Sins, I would surely be hell-bound. It could be argued given my profession all things electronic are merely tools of the trade. Nope. I’ve seen the statues of the 7, the leering smile, gapping mouths, and wild eyes, that’s me.

“Bless me father for I have sinned it has been 24 hours since my last purchase

LIZZIE

The devil crossed the border, looked around and decided that that small village was the perfect place for a vacation. When he set out to find a hotel, he came across a smartly dressed man. He felt so tempted; a foot, just a foot, and the idiot would trip. He sneered. Then he came across a kid on his new bike; a foot, just a foot… He sneered. Finally, he came across an elderly lady. This was the one. A foot, just a foot, and… The devil was shocked and mortified. His pride was completely shattered. The elderly lady sneered.

ZACKMANN

“Bye dearest. I am off to Vice City Hardware because they have a sale new vices and just got a shipment in from Miami.” he said.

“You almost never do anything handy. Why do you need a vice?” she asks.

“Because dearest, all my writer friends tell me that everyone needs a vice. The Vice City Hardware flyer says they started naming them like Ikea does. The one I am buying is called Roy. I have been tracking the shipments of the advertised items. You know how important it is to follow good Add Vice and free flashlight with purchase.

SERENDIPITY

If I have any fault, it’s that I don’t have a vice.

I’ve plenty of other tools of the trade – chisels, hammers, clamps and saws, but I’ve never really had need of a vice and, to be honest, it’s never been a hindrance to my craft.

In fact, if I may boast – I’m the best in the trade.

You see, a good workman knows how to get the best from his tools, and knows exactly which tools are suited to the job.

Oh, you thought I was a carpenter?

No! – I’m master torturer for the Spanish Inquisition!

RICHARD

#1 – George’s Story – Part 70: Fate

George held the steering wheel in a vice-like grip, his body tense as he realised exactly where he was.

Breathing slowly, he let the horror, anger and finally, disappointment, wash over him as he stared at the building through the cracked windscreen.

Things had come full circle – fate, it seemed, still had games to play.

He faced a choice: did he play along, or get the hell out of there?

Grimly, he opened the door and climbed down from the vehicle; “Let’s see what fate has in store”, he muttered, walking purposefully towards the hospital where his journey had started.

#2 – Miami Vice

Pockett and Scrubbs were considered Miami’s finest, although you’d never have guessed it from seeing them. Armani suits, shades, designer stubble and fast cars were hardly the usual vice squad image, but then Pockett and Scrubbs were hardly your usual vice cops.

It was all a big game: the guns, the car chases, the violence and the action – the suits and sports cars just added a certain glamour and sex appeal to the job.

They lived for the job – an irony not lost on their colleagues… for Pockett and Scrubbs had their own consuming vice:

The job itself!

JEFFREY

Little Eva
by Jeffrey Fischer

In my high school, like many around the country, the principal and vice-principal played a form of good cop/bad cop. The principal was a cheerful, rotund man who always gave the impression that he liked his job and liked being around students. Clearly, he was an excellent actor. His reward upon retirement was to have the football stadium named after him. His vice-principal was a short, plump woman (sarcastically nicknamed “Little Eva” because of her size or “Eva Braun” because we thought she behaved like her namesake’s boyfriend) who seemed to delight in meting out punishment to students. One didn’t mind being called to the principal’s office; it was the vice-principal’s one wanted to avoid. Hers was a thankless job.

Hair Extensions
by Jeffrey Fischer

Ferguson, Missouri doesn’t seem like a wealthy place, but a number of troublemakers have been using the protests over Michael Brown’s death as cover for a multi-day looting spree. Ferguson doesn’t have enough native looters, so they’ve been importing looters from St. Louis and from as far away as Texas. Looters tend not to be very specific about what they take: sneakers and hair extensions seem to be popular items. I used to think these people were horrible opportunists, taking advantage of a difficult situation in order to steal from business owners and employers of locals. But then I started thinking. Barry Goldwater famously said, “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice.” Although one might not think of looters as devotees of Goldwater, perhaps they’re just liberating merchandise from the shelves.

Joe
by Jeffrey Fischer

Candidate Obama mulled over the short list of candidates for his running mate. He wanted someone smart, someone who could help him with tough policy decisions. It would be good if the person had skills complementary to Obama’s. Someone from a large, in-play state would be helpful, as would having a solid, respected politician who would be a viable candidate when Obama’s terms were over. All these were important. However, one criterion stood above the rest: as the vice-president was a heartbeat away from being the Leader of the Free World, Obama needed someone who was enough of a bozo that not even the lunatic fringe of the country would think about evicting him from office.

And that’s how Joe Biden became Vice-President.

TURA

Vice
——–
The Viceroy of Khandhrastan pondered the petition that his steward found nailed to the palace gates. It said only, “O pinnacle of the age!” He was pleased to hear of his popularity.

The next week, his steward found another. It said, “Rejoice on the day of celebration!” He considered this must refer to the anniversary of his appointment, a week thence. He decided to arrange feasting and entertainments for the people.

On that day, his steward found a third, which said “Come, and be satisfied!”

The Viceroy ordered the palace gates opened.

The people stormed in and began the revolution.
——–
General Wei investigated reports concerning government officials and ladies of the night. After consulting eminent scholars of virtue, he instituted the Register of Vices, specifying for every rank of official the vices to be Forbidden, Disapproved, Approved, or Compulsory.

Among Compulsory vices was the fathering of children upon courtesans, the number of such required offspring being proportionate to the rank of the official. Approved vices included managing a house of ill repute, Disapproved was the zealous prosecution of Approved vices, and absolutely Forbidden was to divulge the contents of that Register, whose only copy was held by the Vice Minister.
——–

The Entrapper
by John Musico

Vice cop Burt was known among the perps as “The Entrapper”.
Like many cops, Burt’s marriage was going sour.
Meanwhile, criminals, many a time falsely busted by Burt, plotted their revenge. Nicki, an expert at insurance fraud, drafted a hefty life insurance policy for Burt’s wife. Malinda made calls, as a concerned neighbor, for escalating domestic unrest. Lefty took a set of prints from the site of Lefty’s most recent arrest by Burt in Lefty’s home, Burt’s prints. Finally, Blade the assassin knocked off Burt’s wife. He placed Burt’s prints on the murder weapon, a large knife from Burt’s kitchen…

PLANET Z

My two least favorite letters on the Scrabble board are V and C. Goddamned tiles!

Sure, they’re worth more than the usual points, but you can’t make a two-letter word out of them. I like two-letter words. Quick and dirty points.

You see, the two-letter words let you build across or down from a vowel, especially valuable when it’s a double or triple.

When I get two or three or four of those damned V or C tiles, and I can’t come up with a word like Vice or Vav, I’ll dump them.

And get them right back.

Goddamned tiles!

The topic of the next weekly challenge is Guard

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is Guard.

Want to give it a shot? Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

– The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
– Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
– A topic for the next Weekly Challenge.
– And a recording of your story (and any shameless plugs).

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

COMING SOON:
Vice
Guard
Always
Brass
Superconducting
Skeleton
Doom
X
Brain
Bank
Community
Cranberries
Shoe
Patient
New Jersey
Underground
Value
Piracy
Mess
If you’re happy and you know it
Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal, and Gilgamesh (The Mesopotamians!)
Eat
I’ve got nothing
Strike
After
Trench
South
Paint

George The Pirate #1

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.

Despite years of practice with his cutlass, he’d yet to kill anyone with it.

“I’m good at parrying,” he protested. “I could parry all day and not get a scratch. Then, while I’m parrying, someone else gets the kill. Perhaps if you changed your metrics to measure teamwork instead of individual achievements, it would better reflect my contributions to the raiding parties.”

The captain scratched his beard, thought for a moment, and then handed George a mop.

“The deck needs swabbing,” he chortled.

George wasn’t good at chortling, either.

Never Go Back

For years, I went to a place called Cabo.

I loved the fish tacos and frozen margaritas there.

They opened up a few other locations, and the original location closed, so I’d get my fix Downtown.

Last year, they closed.

No more fish tacos and margaritas.

Then, while I was walking home from a cat show, I saw that the place had reopened as Pepper Jack’s.

I went inside and ordered their fish tacos.

They didn’t have those.

Instead, I had a special burrito.

It was good, but not good enough.

I won’t go back.

You can never go back.

Custody

Usually, a couple going through a divorce will fight bitterly over custody of the kids, and Fred and Mary were no different.

“I don’t want them!” yelled Mary. “You take them!”

“Hell no!” shouted Fred back. “I said abort them both times, but you insisted on keeping them!”

They kept this up for days. The lawyers tried to help, but the unhappy couple just got louder.

Then, the fighting abruptly stopped. Fred and Mary nodded at each other, and both walked out of the conference room.

And never returned.

The lawyers ended up raising the kids.

God help us all.

Mellow

I know a guy who is so mellow, he set his ringer sound on his alarm clock to the tune of a lullabye.

Instead of waking up, he’s further mellowed out by the lullabye, and he gets even more restful sleep.

The ringtone on his phone is the sound of a gentle breeze through the leaves.

If the call is urgent, then a recording of a gently strumming harp reminds him that there’s nothing truly important enough in this life that merits going out in a rush or a panic.

Of course, we fired his lazy hippie ass this morning.