Bars and cords

Some people have just one cord for their phone and they bring it with them everywhere they need it.

I’m not one of those kind of people.

I have a cord on my nightstand, a cord at the coffee table where I use my laptop at home, a cord in my backpack, and a cord at my desk at work.

I don’t know whether this means that I’m paranoid, lazy, or wasteful with money, but I know that anywhere I go, I’ve got a spare cord available when I need it.

Too bad I never have any bars.

Fucking Verizon.

Birds

You know that song, “Why do birds suddenly appear?”

Well, I know why birds suddenly appear every time you are near. It’s obvious.

It’s all that birdseed you covered yourself with.

How did you get it to stick to your body?

Peanut butter?
Honey?
Baby oil?

I hope you’re not allergic.

Not only does that crap attract birds, but there’s a large population of squirrels and chipmunks and other varmints following you around.

Okay, so some of them eat the seeds you’re leaving behind you, but the ones that crawl up your legs… aren’t you worried about rabies or scratches?

Casting Call

Sally was a great singer, but a lousy actress, and she was ugly as hell.

Denise was a great actress, but her singing was awful, and she wasn’t much to look at.

Tracy looked amazing, but she couldn’t sing or act her way out of a paper bag.

All three showed up to the casting call.

The producer hired Sally to perform on the soundtrack. Then, he hired Denise to work with the stop-motion capture group.

What he did with Tracy, well, let’s just say that she ought to have a pimp instead of an agent.

The movie bombed spectacularly.

Mouse

I needed a mouse for my docking station at work, so the computer guys presented me with a fancy wireless mouse with a lot of buttons.

I had to change the battery every few days, and I was always messing up my work because of a wild function button press.

I went to Amazon and bought a simple two-button mouse with a wheel and a cord.

The computer guys made fun of my insisting on such a simple and crude pointing device.

“You can’t do anything with that mouse,” they said.

So, I strangled each of them with the cord.

Sharing

When I was growing up, my brother and I shared a room.

Our family had a maid who took the train from the city, but sometimes she stayed overnight in a room of her own.

When she died and wasn’t replaced, I was moved to her room.

“What kind of wallpaper do you want?” asked my dad, showing me hundreds of samples.

I chose Mighty Mouse wallpaper.

Bad choice. Dozens of bulgy-eyed supermice, staring at me from the wall.

He may be here to save the day, but he’ll be back at night to rob you of your precious sleep.

Weekly Challenge #474 – Cheese

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

What’s the next Weekly Challenge? Come to the website and subscribe to the feed to find out!

Tin

JEFFREY

Say Cheese
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Smile!” Click. “Say cheese!” Click. And two more for good measure. “That’s great, Tommy. Now run along and send in the next person waiting.” Alone for a moment, Scott let his artificial smile fade. When he decided to become a photographer, no one warned him about school pictures. Kids making crazy faces, kids wearing crazy outfits, and kids giving him grief the entire day, and it was off to the next school in the morning. Then the parents, once they saw their little darlings, would call and complain. Lady, he wanted to tell them, if you want better results, raise a better brand of monster next time.

The door opened. “You’re Flora?” Scott plastered the phony smile back on his face. “Smile for the camera, Flora. Say cheese.”

The Brie and Wine Circuit
by Jeffrey Fischer

Brad clutched his glass of wine like a talisman and nibbled a piece of brie. A large woman wearing a ghastly hat walked to him, patted his arm, and told him how much she liked his novel. He swallowed the cheese hastily and thanked her. Rather than moving on, the lady launched into a lengthy tale about her problems receiving books from Amazon. Where was his publisher’s rep to get him out of this?

Brad loved to write, but he was horrified at the publicity part of the job. If he didn’t need to eat, he wouldn’t be out here on the brie and wine circuit, sipping fortified grape juice and pretending to like his readers, who pretended to have actually bought his book. It was times like these that Brad envied Thomas Pynchon.

RICHARD

#1 – Say Cheese

Say ‘cheese’!

That’s the phrase which has resulted in so many ruined photographs of my childhood – there I am, gormless, pained look upon my scrunched up, toothy face – awful pictures, best consigned to the bin. Which is precisely where most of them ended up.

Only in later years, when I took up photography as a hobby, did I find out that ‘cheese’ is the worst possible word for decent facial expressions. Far better off saying ‘money’, ‘mummy’, or my favourite: the one I employ whenever subjected to yet another entreaty to say ‘cheese’ by another hapless photographer…

‘Murder’!

#2 – Cheese Sandwich

Every day for the last forty years, my wife has made me cheese sandwiches for lunch. She must have given me a couple of tons of cheese over the years, made from who knows how many gallons of milk, donated by hundreds of cows.

I’ve been through the lot… Cheddar, brie, gorgonzola, edam; accompanied by all manner of salads, sauces and condiments.

Forty years of cheese that must be some sort of record, surely?

And every day for the last forty years, I’ve thrown those damn sandwiches in the bin and gone to Subway instead.

Cheese… Can’t stand the stuff!

#3 – Fondon’t

Back in the seventies, I was invited to one of those parties that were all the rage.

Having not been to a fondue party before, I wanted to make a good impression, so

on the day in question, I turned up: Moustache trimmed, trendy sports coat – (the one with leather elbow patches) – bottle of liebfraumilch in hand, and slightly sweating lump of cheese, which I handed with a flourish to my hosts.

It was only once gathered around the table, when the guests started throwing their car keys into the fondue pot, I realised my rather big mistake!

JERRY

2015-05-20 Cheese
————————-
A little known fact is that Oklahoma is today the cheese capital of the world. The reason for this? In the 1940s a cheese blight, better known as the “blitzkrieg”, destroyed the capability of Europe to produce any cheese, except cottage cheese. This was and still is a closely guarded secret thus enabling the Europeans to keep their self-esteem. Needless to say we here in Okie-land keep the secret and export all our production to other countries, such as Switzerland, which has the only existent working cheese drill, and they, in turn, repackage our product for export as their own.
——————-

MUNSI

Nachos

By Christopher Munroe

Holy hell, I want nachos right now.

I mean, I always want nachos a little, nachos are basically amazing, they’re nature’s perfect food.

Carbs covered in cheese with hot sauce on top, you tell me something in this world that’s better than that, and I’ll call you a liar right to your face.

But I can’t have nachos, not yet, I’m in the middle of writing a story, I can not take a break until I’m done.

Big push to the end, Munsi, big push to the end. Get to one hundred words and finish.

THEN there will be nachos…

LIZZIE

The large group gathered at an Italian restaurant for wine and cheese.
She hated it. She hated the fake smiles, the fake white teeth, the fake everything.
For two excruciating hours, and out of desperation, she chopped cheese in small cubes with a huge knife while everyone pretended to be everyone else’s friend.
At the end of the get-together, the proverbial group photo was taken.
Several years later, she sat down at the same restaurant. She looked at the photo while holding that same huge knife, the one she would get rid of right after finishing the wine… by herself.

SERENDIPITY

I like cheese, in fact I like cheese a lot – and I hate to share mine.

However, much as I like cheese, I dislike mice running around my home just as much, and – as everybody knows – if you’re going to trap mice, you’ve got to use cheese.

I bait the trap, place it strategically where I know the mice will find it, then sit out of sight, waiting for the tell tale snap and squish that signals another rodent has met its maker.

Then I settle down to enjoy my little snack – cheesy, crunchy mouse… so delicious, whilst still warm!

ZACKMANN

Deciding to relax Jack grabs a frying pan, He finds some bread and some habanero cheddar. After turning burner on to warm the pan, Jack adds some olive oil then decides to listen to a writing podcast as he cooks.He hears one of the Dead Robots say something about sometimes a story is not always about saving the world but sometimes only about making a really good sandwich then Jack hears shuffling. Jack grabs a spatula and a pot holder, puts his sandwich on a plate, then hits the zombie over the head with the hot cast iron pan.

TOM

Grandma and Me

When my mother delivered a new baby I got to go to grandma’s to stay. It was there I learned the secret wisdom of the grill cheese sandwiches. While American cheese is formulated to melt between a hamburger bun and said meat, it was not the proper selection for the classic grill cheese. It’s got to me Cheddar, and not just any cheddar. There’s this farm outside of Rhinelander that has been making cheddar since the civil war. To truly create the prefect grilled sandwich it must rest in a bed of browning butter. If you’re counting calories, better walk away.

Aged for Ten Years

Each year in July we take a monster road trip. A 1000 miler to Canada. Much of it along the edge of the Pacific Ocean. Along that road sits the insanely green Tillamook Valley. The cheese factory, the Tillamook County Creamery Association, is part Rube Goldberg, part Dr. Seuss. Through glass walls you can watch a maze of conveyor belts reduce 20 pound blocks of cheese to store ready products. They have got a tasting room to die for. Dozens of Dishes full of every type of cheese. Fun stuff too, like cheese curd, a bit like cheese chewing gum.

Comfort Food

I love cheese. Gorgonzola to Edam. When I was a kid I ate the cheap stuff, but as an adult I can indulge in the pricier stuff. Someone said why eat to live when you can live to eat. Of late I’ve discovered this outstanding near Cheddar out of Ireland called Dubliner. It was introduced to the United States in 1999. But it took a bit to break into the California market. It’s sweet, but at the same time a sharp edge that doesn’t lose its flavor in the deepest hero sandwich. On a Ciabatta, with Brandywine, Guacamole, Chipotle. Yumm

ANIMA

Memorial Day Rant

I hate the company picnic. Why is it always hot dogs and burgers?

Here’s the typical burger: An unseasoned patty grilled to grey, on a bleached white flour bun. And cheesburgers? They’re topped with slices of single-serve white or orange plastic. I love me a cheeseburger, but WTF. This cheese “product” melts itself to the humble meat patty, but has no taste and adds nothing to the visual appeal.

I know the company is economizing, but really, once a year, can I get a decent meal?

This year, let’s skip the burgers, and nosh instead on Vermont Cheddar and grapes.

NORVAL JOE

The Dairy Board would have us believe that anything is better if we spread a little aged spoiled milk on it.
In a lot of cases that’s true. My wife likes to eat tart apples with a slice of cheddar. It’s great with a lot of meats, elevating it from an average meal to truly memorable.
I don’t know of a cheese that goes well with Captain Crunch, frosted flakes or Cocoa Puffs.
And how about Jury Duty? Slathering it with Brie or sprinkling on some grated Romano won’t make that any better. On second thought, it’s worth a try.

TURA

Cheese
——–
Thank you for your invitation to dinner. Please remember that I cannot eat cheese. If there’s only a little bit of cheese in something, it’s cheese. Any fermented milk product is, for this purpose, cheese. Panna cotta, sour cream, yoghurt: they all count as cheese. If a savoury dish has the word “gratin” in the name, yes, I know that doesn’t mean “cheese” by the dictionary, but ten to one cheese will be present. If you’re thinking about any other edge cases, they’re cheese as well.

Call it a fence around the law if you like, I call it cheese.
——–

PLANET Z

if a cheeseburger is a burger with cheese on it, is a hamburger a burger with ham on it?
At Fred’s Ham Shack, it most certainly is.
Every burger gets a slice of ham on it.
If you ask for cheese, it becomes a hamburger with cheese.
And if you ask not to have ham on your burger, Fred attacks you with a knife.
Why on earth would you come to Fred’s and not want ham on your burger?
It’s what he’s famous for, after all.
He spends so much time seasoning and smoking the ham.
And sharpening his knife.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is…

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is…

Okay, so I tried to come up with a topic that was worthy of the 10th anniversary of this podcast.

But, I couldn’t.

So, what I’m going to do is leave it up to you. Write about anything you want to.

Have you been sending in the same topic over and over, and I keep ignoring it?

Well, now’s your chance. Show me how much of an idiot Ive been all these years and make it shine.

For those of you who are new to this thing, well, for fuck’s sake… it’s been TEN YEARS and you just jump on board now? Or you’re coming back after how long?

Fine, fine… you can play too.

Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following in your email:

– The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
– Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
– A topic for an upcoming Weekly Challenge.
– And a recording of your story. (Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.)

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

COMING SOON:
6/7 Try
6/14 Ounce
6/21 Wave
6/28 Tramps
7/5 Sing
7/12 Hopeless
7/19 Guest
7/26 Spike
8/2 Kid
8/9 When
8/16 Saw
8/23 Your favorite quote
8/30 Mug
9/6 Building
9/13 Adventure
9/20 Scoop
9/27 Mirror
10/4 Good Buddy
10/11 Us
10/18 Stick
10/25 “I remember when…”
11/1 Crush
11/8 Order
11/15 Deck
11/22 Wind
11/29 Pin
12/6 Pick a card… any card!
12/13 Box
12/20 Drop
12/27 New Year’s Resolutions