Sponges

My cats are refusing to admit which one shredded kitchen sponges.

Damn cats. I bet they did it together.

I soak a sponge in hot sauce to train them not to shred the sponges, but they washed out the hot sauce and shredded them.

Locking the kitchen cabinet didn’t work either. Sneaky cats!

I stopped buying sponges, but my cats figured out how to order things online, and they ordered sponges.

Now, I get all my food via take-out, and I hired a maid to clean.

No more dishes. No more sponges.

But now the cats want to shred me!

Weekly Challenge #440 – Always

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic: ALWAYS

We’ve got stories by:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of BRASS…

Huggy Myst

JOHN

Then but Once, but Now is Always
by John Musico

“Yogi, why is it that we try to recapture moments of our lives, but, they have passed, and we never can?” “Young disciple, if only we could just stay in the present moment- that: we can capture, always.”
“But yogi, why is this lamentable tendency so very common nonetheless?”
The old yogi replied; “Safety is hard wired into our brains, the real you. However, that design betrays us. In constantly seeking danger yet to come we are cheated of the now.”
The young student muttered, “I’ll think back often on today’s talk fondly.”
The yogi hit him with his cane.

JEFFREY

Public Transit
by Jeffrey Fischer

Casey was a creature of habit. He always caught the same train in the morning, always standing in the same spot to get into the same car and grab the same seat when possible. He knew to the minute how long the trip to the office would take, and was proud of the fact.

That Tuesday, he entered the train and made a beeline for his usual seat, ignoring the warning signs: the unshaven man with several tattered shopping bags at his feet, wearing a T-shirt that disparaged the Republican candidate in the previous election cycle. The man reeked like a garbage truck that had sat out in the sun. When the man started babbling about the international Zionist conspiracy and electronic bugging devices in his oatmeal, Casey made a lifestyle change: standing up for the train ride was healthier than sitting. He didn’t know about the health benefits of doing so one car over, but he was willing to take that chance.

Traffic Flows
by Jeffrey Fischer

Ben fiddled with the radio as he sat in stop-and-go traffic, trying to find a station that was not playing a commercial. Interstate 95 always seemed crowded when Ben made the drive toward Richmond. Day, night, early, late, weekday, weekend – nothing seemed to matter. Where were these people going?

In subsequent weeks, as Ben made the drive again and again, he noticed many of the same cars. Curious, while filling up at a Fredericksburg gas station, he asked the driver of a maroon Mustang that Ben saw repeatedly: why are you on the road so often? “It’s like this,” the guy said. “I’m doing public service to stay out of jail.”

Ben was puzzled. “How is driving on a crowded road doing public service?”

The driver shrugged. “Politicians don’t want to build new roads, they want people on public transportation. If the highway is always full of cars, they figure people will eventually give up on driving.”

RICHARD

#1 – George’s Story – Part 72: Doctor George

Always have a plan – advice that George, till now, had singularly failed following. Now would be a good time to put that right, and the plan that seemed most helpful happened to be one of the hospital, displayed at the reception desk.

He ruled out geriatric, paediatric, surgical and maternity, before settling on trauma – it was close to the canteen too, where he’d grabbed his carrots.

Stealthily he made his way to the ward and began perusing the clipboards on each bed…

“Jeffrey, how’s your prostate?”, he queried, reading from the first, before continuing his way carefully along the beds.

#2 – OCD

Some might consider it OCD, but it’s just plain common sense – if I always check every window is closed, check the gas, the bathroom and kitchen taps, and unplug electrical sockets every time I leave the house, that’s just being sensible.

And you can’t be too careful with personal hygiene – handwashing before, during and after every meal is always advisable.

And yes, I do it always – every time – it only takes a single omission to invite trouble.

So why do I always count the paving stones on my way to work?

Well, doesn’t everyone do that?

#3 – The A Word

‘Always’ is an awfully long time – longer even than ’till death do us part’, or the time it takes to be served in my local bar, and it leaves no room for human error… Do you always look both ways before crossing the road? What, every time?

‘Always’ fits into the same categories as ‘forever’ and ‘eternity’, it’s as constant as ‘perfection’ and ‘unerring’ – and that’s why I have a problem with you using it.

Because, when I ask “Do you love me”, and you answer, “Always”, there’s no way you can be doing anything, other than lying.

TURA

“Eli and I are getting married!” the young woman announced. “We’ll always be together. ”

“‘Always’ is a long time, Liesl,” her great-grandfather gently chided. “With modern science you might reach my age, and have another century still. You can forget a lot in that time.”

“Eli says we should never–”

“He’s right,” he said. He took from his writing desk an ornamental wooden box.

“I want you to have this,” he said. “It’s glued shut, so it won’t be opened on a whim. But one day, long after I’m gone, you must open it.”

And one day, she did.

LIZZIE

Never had Ronald felt so insulted. It was true that he dragged his feet in the morning and that he tried to cut short the work day by starting to get ready to leave the office half an hour before the end of the shift.

However, he had never missed a day’s work, never lost a paper or misfiled a document.

“You’re always stealing our doughnuts,” was far more than he could handle. He even brought the coffee, well, once or twice a month. The least the crew could do was to allow him to take a doughnut, or three.

SERENDIPITY

Always have a backup plan – you never know when you might need one.

If you should see me in the street, always have an alternative route that you can take.

Never meet with me unarmed, always carry a weapon, just in case.

And, should we ever meet alone, always have a trusted friend you can phone.

Wherever we are, always know your escape routes.

Prepare in advance, leave nothing to chance, always expect the unexpected and – no matter what – be certain that when our paths cross, you always have a backup plan.

And pray that I don’t have one too!

ZACKMAN

“No dear, I don’t want any Holiday vacation that involves a connecting flight at Heathrow. Almost every year London is invaded by space aliens usually around Christmas. I watched it on the BBC so it must be true.” stated Zack

“You know that Doctor Who is just a Television show and all those space invasions in London where just made up. Right?” she said

“Doctor Who, not real? I don’t question your religion. Faked invasions is what the governments want you to believe.” replied Zack.

“Would you be serious.”

“Honestly, it’s hard for me to get vacation time during holidays.”

LADY BLUE

Keeping Promises

The tumor on my back has grown so large that it hurts to even breath, much less move a muscle. It feeds off of my body – dissolving tissues and draining my blood until I’ve nothing left. Its weight, as it grows and grows, crushes my bones and leaves me a crippled husk.

This is the cost of my promise. Years ago, when the tumor was broken and helpless, I gave way to pity, which became adoration.

“I promise that I will love and cherish you forever. I will never leave you.”

“Always?”

“Always.”

I’m a person who keeps my promises.

~~~~~~~~~
Frampant Grass and Agitated Cetwens

Always cut the frampant grass whenever the sun goes legerate. Otherwise, it will agitate the cetwens into a pernainian frumourse, and you’ll never get them back from the kesserid again – at least, not without colluring them into a postguilous cage, baited with honnus that’s been spiced with phrux and honcloure. You could also used smoshed blupids minced in whettled pistensy, but I wouldn’t suggest it. Blupids are quite cizzyvous when they’re not in season, and the whole process of smoshing them without the proper protection can be quite dangerous.

Wait.

Why don’t we just get rid of the grass altogether?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Citizen Tenants to Peaceful Societies

Always
Do nothing,
Because change
Is scary. It’s a foray into the unknown that can threaten and harm.

Always
Be silent,
Because when no one knows what you
Think,
It cannot be challenged.

Always
Be normal,
Because being
Original
Makes you vulnerable to criticism.

Always
Listen to others,
Because your own
Thoughts
Have no value or worth.

Always
Be ignorant,
Because knowing
Means you must do something, and that violates rule #1.

Always
Be controlled.
Because acting out on your own
Makes you a threat.

Always
Resist change
Because suffering
Is familiar.
It is what we are used to doing.
~~~~~~~~~~

What do you mean by “Always?”

Always means never not ever and heaven forbid if you don’t.

Always means not not and don’t even consider the exceptions.

Always means under no conditions should one ever consider it possible. Or impossible. Or plausible. Or inconceivable. Or not.

Always means do not, must not, cannot consider the alternatives.

Always means don’t hold your breath, forget it, and don’t wish, want or hope for it.

Always means at no time, not in any way, not in the least, absofreaking no, by no means, and certainly, nevermore.

Quoth the raven, when she said “Always,”

I said, “Well, I’ll be damned.”

TOM

The Call

Dad pulled the duffle bag higher on his shoulder. “Jimmy you be a good boy and listen to your mother.” Jimmy t threw his arms around the sergeant’s legs. Dad reached down and took his hand and handed him his cell. “This is a direct line to wherever I go. Know that wherever that is I will always be with you.” Jimmy kept the cell phone always charged and never took it out of the house. Dad never came home. The Army had no idea where he was. That is when Jimmy made the call. A distance voice answered: As-salamu alaykum.

Making a second impression with your first impression

My life has straddle two diverse sectors of the economy: Manufacturing and service. Prospering in either takes a keen understanding of what your prime asset must be. What has served me well is projecting the impression of being: a problem solver. To successfully enforce this impression one most take it right down to the granular level. Take this simple exchange: Thank you for putting out the fire with your left elbow! Pause, you could reply: Your Welcome and have the moment drift into unconscious memory. BAD! The next thing out your mouth must be memorable, strong, and unexpected

Reply: Always.

That’s My Girl

Always, Richard Dreyfuss, Holly Hunter, John Goodman, Audrey Hepburn, playing a ghost, soon to be a ghost. A classic remake of A Guy Named Joe a Dreyfuss-Spielberg vanity piece dismissed by the critics as “dated”. A little guy film like Death Takes a Holiday, Heaven Can Wait, or The Canterville Ghost, a redemption story. A film prior to the Corporate-Military narratives. A remake of Always wouldn’t be called Always, it would be called Desert Storm set in the sands of Gulf War I staring Seth Rogen, James Franco. Meryl Streep would play Hap and pray that she didn’t get Hepburned.

Well Defined Relationship Part 69

Sparky and El Cid cried out.

“Why have you forsaken us, have we not always served you OH Duke.”

“Sorry Mrs Parsons, I got to take this. Will you be ok?”

“Go.”

“Look at me, you two.”

Sparky buried his head in a puddle.

Le Cid rose in angst.

“Why have you sided with my tormentors?”

“Free me Oh Duke so I may …”

“Loot, Kill and spout lame dialogue.”

“Yes in your honor.”

“You’re leading us into an ambush?”

“Yes Duke.”

“Don’t suppose I can change your mind?”

“OH God you move in mysterious ways.”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

DIO

A thin, sickly-looking man leaned through the door into the darkness. There was only a couple of shadows at a back table. A grainy video was projecting on a sheet against one wall. The man sat at a table where he couldn’t see it.

In a bit, a woman came with a glass and sat down.

Lookin’ for a party?

Ain’t got that much. Smoke?

They smoked his cigarettes, chatting awhile.

You ever fall in love with ‘em? he asked.

Always, she said.

It was quiet except for a pretended orgasm.

How much you got? she asked.

NORVAL JOE

Garbage man shook off candy wrappers and plastic bottles. He shambled to Dergle and asked, “If you’re supposed to be here, what’s the password?”
“The password,” Dergle mumbled and his heart sank. He’d researched this organization. He knew their rituals and practices. He’d learned their password and memorized it. But, just like always, when the pressure was on his mind went blank.
Garbage man raised himself up, towering above Dergle. “If you can’t tell me the password, you will die.”
“Wait,” Dergle gasped. “I remember. It’s ‘Jeffrey, how’s your prostate?'”
Garbage man exhaled a fetid breath and said, “Follow me.”

MUNSI

On Motivation

By Christopher Munroe

Kids, I have something to tell you.

You won’t like it.

I don’t care.

You’ve been told, mostly by parents, that if you apply yourself you can accomplish anything. I’m here to say, you can’t.

Parents have to lie, sometimes, to keep you from harsh truths about the world.

You’ll accomplish many things, true, but Anything? No.

There are things that, however hard you try, you will fail at, and it’d be a good idea to prepare yourself for that.

Because it’s true of everyone, and the sooner you learn to be okay with it the better off you’ll be…

CHELSEA

Always

You cut into me … Always

You tear me down … Always

You take my last breath … Always

You want more that I have to give … Always

You underestimate me … Always

You are walking on thin ice … Always

You are not ready for what’s coming … Always

You are going to suffer … Always

I am stronger than you … Always

I am a force to be reckoned with … Always

I am biding my time … Always

I am waiting for the right moment to strike … Always

I have been biding my time … Always

I will haunt your dreams … Always

You will fear me …. Always

Always!

DANNY

Weekly Challenge 440 (just like a classic early 1970’s Dodge Challenger) Always

“Why am I ALWAYS pissed off about nothing more than some fiction within my own mind!” I screamed, suddenly realizing I was screaming at a blank wall, painfully aware of how vividly I was hallucinating that David Gregory was screaming on the top of his lungs before a Senate Investigative Committee, “But both sides do it!” The Senate was not moved, and insisted that David Gregory be fired from NBC’s Sunday morning show, Meet The Press. The executives at NBC gleefully obliged, insisting Gregory was not conservative enough to compete with Fox News, so they hired Chuck Todd instead. Brilliant.

PLANET Z

Intelligent switches and meters in the electrical grid allows utility companies to route electricity supply to handle peak demand.

Thanks to high-capacity, low-latency neural networks bridging quadrillions of nanobots, the intelligence grid will route brainpower and computing power to handle high demand.

“Braincloud Computing” ran into initial resistance, with protests against the intellectual 1% draining the masses for extra thinking power. But when scientists proved that people had plenty of extra brain capacity to spare, a fair rate structure was put in place.

Besides, do you think the slack-jawed masses watching television will miss their stray thoughts all that much?

The topic of the next weekly challenge is BRASS

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is BRASS.

Want to give it a shot? Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

– The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
– Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
– A topic for the next Weekly Challenge.
– And a recording of your story (and any shameless plugs).

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

COMING SOON:
Superconducting
Skeleton
Doom
X
Brain
Bank
Community
Cranberries
Shoe
Patient
New Jersey
Underground
Value
Piracy
Mess
If you’re happy and you know it
Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal, and Gilgamesh (The Mesopotamians!)
Eat
I’ve got nothing
Strike
After
Trench
South
Paint

Trust

Some days, when I get home and lay back on the sofa, it takes a while for Bruwyn the cat to join me and drape himself over my leg for a nap.

Other times, I’m barely settled in before I find my leg pinned by a furry purring sack.

Either way, I’m happy to let the cat nap on me.

Until I run out of iced tea. Or need to go to the bathroom.

I feel guilty for making him move, but over time, he comes back to flop over my leg sooner and sooner.

That trust feels even better.

Good Soup

As much as I love the finer things in life, there’s nothing I love more than a simple store-brand can of vegetable soup with a cup of rice for dinner.

No, I won’t pass up a good sushi dinner, or wave away a steak if you’re offering, but there’s just no beating soup and rice on a lazy evening.

Just dump the rice in the rice cooker, add water, and then push a button. An hour later, microwave the soup in a bowl and dump in the rice.

Oh, and don’t forget to call a cab for the two hookers.

The Old Men

Old Man Winter complains a lot about the bitter cold and his joints hurting, but that’s nothing compared to having to look at Old Man Spring’s ghastly bleached-white hairy shins.

And once you stumble across Old Man Summer laying out at the beach, well, you’ll wish you’d been born blind.

Old Man Fall tends to just stay in his rocking chair on the patio, drinking cheap beer and watching the leaves turn.

He’d be the most agreeable of the bunch if he didn’t sit there with his rifle, threatening to shoot people if they don’t get off of his lawn.