Weekly Challenge #469 – The Pantheon

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Tinny and Bunny

MUNSI

On Matters of Faith

By Christopher Munroe

I don’t need to create a God, one’s been provided.

Dionysus, God of theatre, music and drinking. He covers all the bases I need, and he’s incredibly easy to worship!

When I’m at a bar, he’s with me, when I open my mouth to let music out into the world, he’s there. Every act of worship is a celebration, every celebration an act of worship.

Sometimes I go door-to-door, drunk out of my mind, to preach his gospel.

The results are rarely positive.

Police have been called more than once.

Still, other than that, Dionysus has been very rewarding, deity-wise…

JEFFREY

Mirimanee, the Goddess of Science Fiction Women
by Jeffrey Fischer

And so it was decreed by the goddess Mirimanee that science fiction should satisfy the imaginations of adolescent boys, and yea, until the eleventeenth generation adolescent boys have only one thing on their minds, so female characters must adhere to the teachings of Mirimanee. She commanded that women must be:

1. buxom of stature – and thus was born countless video games.
2. weak of heart – and thus was born countless screams.
3. weak of mind – and thus the male lead ultimately saves the day.
4. weak of flesh – and thus all must fall in love with the male lead.

From time to time, new goddesses would arise and beget such characters as Commander Susan Ivanova of Babylon 5, or Clara Oswald of Doctor Who, but Miramanee would declare them false and curse their ways.

The God Papyrus Awakens
by Jeffrey Fischer

One day the great god Papyrus, God of Bureaucracy, Deliverer of Paperwork, was roused from his slumber. “Who dares wake me!” he roared, always grumpy before his morning coffee.

“Mere supplicants, o great Papyrus. We ask only that you create a system by which we may enumerate the wealth and holdings of the people, so we may ensure that what is Pharaoh’s is rendered unto Pharaoh.”

Papyrus considered the request and then, with a scowl upon his none-too-handsome face, made it so.

And thus came to be the Internal Revenue Service and its devilish spawn, Form 1040.

The moral of this story: never annoy a god before he has had his coffee.

RICHARD

#1 – Norman

Norman, the god of the unremarkable was nothing special.

He lived in a fairly pleasant neighbourhood – along with his wife and two children (one of each), in a house little different to those around him.

Every morning before work, he’d take the dog for a walk, head home for a shower and breakfast before heading off to work in the local DIY store, in his rather dilapidated old Ford.

There was nothing particularly interesting or noteworthy about Norman’s life – even though he was indeed a god amongst men – and few people even noticed him.

Quite remarkable, really.

#2 – Polyproblematic

The trouble with polytheism is that it has a tendency to get out of hand, surely not everything merits a divine patron?

It can get a bit silly.

Eventually, the Pantheon called a summit meeting:

“Things have gone too far”, argued Turgid, god of prophylactics; “Do we really need a goddess of finger food, and a deity for stop signs?”

“He has a point”, observed Wendy, goddess of nightwear. “You can barely move for the sacrifices!”

So they put it to the vote, and all the gods resigned (with massive pensions).

Which why the universe is run by a committee.

#3 – The Petulant God

He, whose name may not be spoken, the all-powerful builder of worlds, creator of life and The One Who Is Above All Others was in an exceptionally bad mood.

You’d think that being God would be a blast, but the truth was, all those worshippers were pretty annoying.

They’d started demanding dispensations for their sacrifices, miracles and answered prayers for their obeisance: “Heal our sick… walk on water!” they’d demand.

Walk on water?

He was God, not a damned magician!

“Time you remembered who’s in charge!”, he grumbled, before smiting them irrevocably back to the dust from whence they came!

TOM

I’m a gods r us kind of kid

Hello Gods r us

How may I assess you?

Yes

Yes

Excellent choice.

Sorry we will have to back order him

Oh sorry

her

That ancient Ur always throws me.

Yes

No we no longer stock that god

You may find him available at

The Vatican’s web site.

Given this particular concentrations of deity

I would highly suggest both

Guards of the watch towers

And Mutual of Omaha Life Insurance

Excellent

Let me read your order back to you

Seth Whiro Apep Eris Tau Typhon Angra Mainyu Ama-tsu-Mikaboshi Loki Coyote Prometheus Mercurius

Good luck with your daughter’s birthday party.

LIZZIE

The God of Boredom

Against his will, he had just been promoted from a minor deity to a major god. They told him that people were always bored nowadays, so being the God of Boredom would be good. He knew why he was bored. It was because Patrice, his neighbor, had stolen his favorite book, the one about minor deities. He hated it when people messed around with his things. Could he become the God of Hatred? Noooo! He was stuck with boredom now. That’s why, before promoting anyone, the High Council of Gods should offer options! Free will and all that? Gods… Pfft.

SERENDIPITY

I am the goddess.

I am she who creates pain and despair.

I bring you suffering and slaughter.

I have the power to tear worlds apart, overthrow your armies, destroy your hopes and devour you.

I was present at the dawn of time, and I will bring it to its close.

So kneel before me, parasites; bow down before my might and know that I hold your pathetic lives in my hands.

I determine whether you live, or you die; whether you are saved or damned, blessed or cursed.

I am the goddess.

And you… had better say your prayers!

TURA

The God of Computation
——–
Every bishop wants to be Pope, and every saint aspires to become a god. I knew the woman who became Goddess of Crows, and in time she might become Goddess of Birds. But the God of Greed is struggling now, and he looks like just a passing fad of the 80’s. You need something with long-term growth potential. I’m trying for God of Computation. The others joke about me being God of Nerds. Let them think that. Modern science says that the universe runs on computation, and I reckon this could take me to the very top, and become GOD.

SPATE

Number 08765943328’s Last Prayer

Oh Lord of lords, Master of all, Ruler over life and death, please accept
this humble supplication from me, number 08765943328, for I am in need of
relief.

Supreme All Knowing One, devoutly I have delivered monthly tributes to Thee,
never asking for even the smallest consideration in return, but always
holding the deepest faith that you would be there in my time of need.

Now lo! The physician has painted such an ominous picture, that I come
before Thee trembling and with bowed head, beseeching Thee.

Oh most venerable and righteous God of Insurance: please accept this claim.

Anthem!

NORVAL JOE

The Northern California god of puns was a man with the head of a yak.
No one liked him and declined invitations to his parties with the proverbial response, “Puns are the lowest for of humor.”
He smirked at their ignorance, knowing the saying continued with, “But are the highest form of wit.”
Witty but alone, Yak Man tried to devise a way to win more friends among the local pantheon.
They all agreed to come to his Roman Bath with Sicilian Cylinders when he explained it was really just a pool party and his mother had made pizza rolls.

PLANET Z

Long ago, the followers of Paper, Scissors, and Rock waged constant battle.
Paper beat Rock, Rock beat Scissors, and Scissors beat Paper.
Sometimes, they make brief alliances. Or truces.
Paper uses Rock to beat Scissors. Or Rock uses Scissors to beat Paper.
In the end, everyone died.
Paper, Scissors, and Rock.
Their corpses littered the streets, picked apart by dogs.
Their shrines and churches lay in ruins.
Weeds grew through the streets.
And, in time, when everything fell into rust, the forest reclaimed the land.
A survey team found some scattered rocks, but I would hardly call it a victory.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is Anchor

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is ANCHOR..

Want to give it a shot? Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following in your email:

– The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
– Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
– A topic for the next Weekly Challenge.
– And a recording of your story. (Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.)

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

COMING SOON:
5/3 Fit
5/10 Troll
5/17 A word that doesn’t exist
5/24 Cheese
5/31 TENTH ANNIVERSARY <- open season, no specified topic
6/7 Try
6/14 Ounce
6/21 Wave
6/28 Tramps
7/5 Sing
7/12 Hopeless
7/19 Guest
7/26 Spike
8/2 Kid
8/9 When
8/16 Saw
8/23 Your favorite quote
8/30 Mug
9/6 Building
9/13 Adventure
9/20 Scoop
9/27 Mirror
10/4 Good Buddy
10/11 Us
10/18 Stick
10/25 “I remember when…”
11/1 Crush
11/8 Order
11/15 Deck

Shoulder Kitten

I have a kitten lying on my shoulder.

She is purring and happy, a tangle of fur and paws.

I can kiss her on the ears and nose.

She stretches and yawns, and then sprawls and rolls into a new position.

She’s asleep again, snug and safe against my shoulder.

I hope she does this every day, but one day she’s going to be a full-sized cat.

Will I want her on my shoulder then?

She wakes up and grooms.

Her tongue rasps against my arm hair.

Then, I sneeze.

The kitten is spooked, and she leaps away.

Sorry, Kitty.

Billy Billy

Billy’s last name is Billy.

Call him Billy Billy.

But don’t be surprised if he tells you that you have his name backwards.

“Yllib Yllib?” you ask.

He likes that joke. But don’t push it.

We don’t want to freak Billy out, because he knows where his father buried all the money.

We tried to beat the answer out of his father. Didn’t work.

Then we threatened to beat Billy with him watching.

That almost worked. Except that when we asked Billy where the money was, he knew.

We’ll dig up the money.

And bury Billy with his daddy there.

Walker

It was a good plan.

The old woman was always with her dog.

So, we’d steal her dog and demand a lot of money for ransom.

It wasn’t easy, but we did it.

I made the call and made the demand.

She offered a few bucks. “To cover your gas to return it.”

“We’ll kill the dog.”

“Seriously? Come on.”

And she hung up.

Five minutes later, the cops arrived.

Turns out that the dog had a GPS tracker in it.

As I was being put into the squad car, she handed me a twenty.

“For walking him,” she laughed.

The Ugly Duckling

Once upon a time, there was a duck’s nest full of eggs.

They all hatched at the same time.

One of the babies was uglier than the rest, and the others picked on him.

As they all grew up, the ugly baby didn’t sprout feathers and a beak.

Instead, he grew shiny scales, pointy teeth, and wickedly sharp foreclaws.

Because he was a velociraptor.

One day, a duck made a comment about how ugly he looked.

The velociraptor slashed his head off, and he ate the duck.

Then, he killed and ate all of the judgmental little bastards.

How delicious!

The Master

I am the Dungeon Master.

I hide behind a screen and roll dice to determine your fate.

I have a module behind the screen which has a map and encounters in it.

I read a manual full of monsters that want to kill and eat you.

I can’t let you see any of these because you aren’t allowed to.

You are players. Not Dungeon Masters.

You’re supposed to go on adventures, not run adventures.

Stop trying to peek at my map. Make your own with your pencils and graph paper.

Your mom made Pizza Rolls?

Okay, maybe one little peek.