Kill Bill

I know a couple who was so into Quentin Tarantino movies that they rented a small Texas church for their wedding and hired the actor who played the preacher in Kill Bill to officiate.

They tried to get Samuel L. Jackson to play organ, but he couldn’t actually play, and he didn’t want to work for scale.

The wedding was interrupted by armed actors playing assassins, and the church was awash in death.

Real blood. Real gore.

Someone got the blanks mixed up with real bullets.

The survivors tried to sue Quentin Tarantino, but the judge threw out the case.

Charity

I don’t give to charity anymore.

Once, I participated in a Fun Run to raise funds and awareness for some disease or another. Sure, it was fun, until I stopped running. That’s when the cattle prods came out, and I was aware… that I was in danger.

Then, I volunteered to be jailed so I could call my friends to “bail” me out with contributions to the Cancer Society. But the cops left me in jail. In Maximum Security.

So, I don’t care if there’s a tax deduction or a free t-shirt. It’s still too high a price to pay.

My Favorite Things

Sure, Maria sings that bright copper kettles are one of her favorite things, but she’s not the one who has to clean them.

I do. I’m the chef who works for the Von Trapp family.

I hate this job, but I’m a Jew. Captain Von Trapp says that if I don’t want to work for him, then I’m welcome to board the next train for the camps.

So, I stay. And cook. And clean those damn kettles until they’re bright and shiny.

If she and those kids don’t shut the hell up, I’m going to poison the next apple strudel.

Pray For Them

Sometimes, people ask for me to pray for them.

I don’t pray.

If the invisible man in the sky needs for me to put my hands together to tell him what shit in the world needs fixing, fuck him.

He’s an idiot for not knowing, a pathetic sack of shit for not being able to do anything about it, or an asshole for not wanting to do anything about it.

And I’m certainly not going to thank him for all the blessings, either. Because whatever he doesn’t take away through death or entropy, the government takes away through taxes.

Amen.

Weekly Challenge #430 – Have you ever…

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was HAVE YOU EVER.

We’ve got stories by:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of BOGGLE…

Sprawly lapcat

JOHN MUSICO

Have You Ever
by John Musico

Have you ever dreamt that you woke from a dream,
and then truly woke and felt things aren’t what they seem?

Have you ever seen someone that looks like you,
and wondered if instead you look like him is true?

Have you ever realized when all wants are obtained,
you once again will that feel you cannot gain?

Have you ever seen if you live only for tomorrow,
then today is never, and what you get is only sorrow?

Have you ever found someone worse off, then dead,
and that he wished that he were you instead?

Have you ever….

JEFFREY

Travel is Broadening
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Have you ever seen the Northern Lights?” she asked. “Or gone down the Amazon in search of exotic life?”

I tapped on my computer monitor. “Why, yes, I have. With a fiber-optic line I can see them any time I want.”

“That’s not seeing a place. That’s something completely different. You really need to get out and see the world for yourself.”

Because I couldn’t let myself be shamed by a woman, I went on vacation for the first time in years. I saw the Northern Lights and I froze myself silly. I went down the Amazon, where I was bitten by an exotic snake. There was no anti-venom and I died.

So the whole thing was a little bit of a bad news/good news scenario. The bad news is that going places can kill you. The good news is that it turns out there’s an afterlife. Pull up a chair and I’ll tell you about it.

Watching the Evening News
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Make no mistake about it: the border is secure.” I watched the President wag his finger at me on the TV screen before the producer cut to images of thousands of children crossing the unguarded border.

“Have you ever heard such crap in your life?” I said to my wife. She was doing the wise thing and avoiding the evening news.

“Sure I have. Let’s see, there’s ‘If you like your health plan, you can keep your health plan,’ followed by ‘If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.’ Then there was…”

I interrupted. “Point taken.” I turned off the television and picked up a book. At least the book was labeled fiction.

RICHARD

# 1 – George’s Story – Part 63: Irony

Finally things seemed to be taking a turn for the better – George’s precarious crawl along the ducting brought him into a large room behind the rhino’s enclosure. Once he was sure it was safe to do so, he dropped to the floor.

The room turned out to be a viewing area, where visitors to the zoo could see the animals at close quarters – although George felt that getting close to the beasts was much overrated.

‘Have you ever thought about adopting a rhinoceros?’, asked a sign next to the cage.

“You have to be joking!”, he muttered under his breath.

#2 – Blah, Blah, Blah

“Have you ever listened to anything I say to you?”

The strident voice irritated me, but I didn’t answer… I wasn’t listening.

This was the normal state of affairs: she nagged, whined, complained and ranted, whilst I steadfastly ignored everything she said. I was conscious of the hectoring tones, but other than that, I really had no idea what she was saying to me.

To be honest, even if I had given her an answer, she wouldn’t have listened to me either.

And so it continues: she yammers, I blank her.

It works.

In many ways, it’s a perfect marriage.

#3 – I did have a title for this, but somehow I’ve forgotten it

Have you ever walked into a room, only to wonder why on earth you were there? No matter how hard you try, you’ve completely forgotten.

You’ve fallen victim to the memory leech.

A strange, creature that feasts upon short-term memories, sucking them through your ears, leaving you bemused and slightly embarrassed, irritated by your inability to complete such a simple task, as… whatever it was you intended doing.

Then, a week or so later, the memory leech – filled to bursting – farts out bloated superfluous memories, and you jolt awake in bed, suddenly recalling exactly where you left your spectacles.

TURA

Have you ever…
——–
Once I got the idea, in the end I had to do it. The doctors just called it “auto-olecrano-gusto-philia”, as if making up a Greek word was an answer. I tried yoga but it was useless. Surgeons refused to do anything. But I found one who would. He offered to just lift the skin off, but I knew that wouldn’t be enough. Skin, muscles, bones, it had to be the whole thing. He talked about artificial arms, but I didn’t care, I just had to have the arms off, so that at last…

Have you ever tasted your own elbows?

LIZZIE

“Have you ever written a letter so filled with passionate love that, years later, you simply cannot believe it was you who wrote it?” asked the old man, the most recent addition to the prison system.

“Nope… Where I come from we don’t write love letters. Heck, we don’t write at all,” replied the seasoned cellmate. “Will you write her love letters now that you’re here?”

The old man sighed so deeply that his cellmate thought he was having a heart attack.

“You killed her, didn’t you?” asked the cellmate.

“Love…” continued the old man. And he looked outside nostalgically.

TOM

Short Shrift

“Have you ever …”

“NO, I have not and quite frankly I find the question insulting. I would have expected a person of your breeding and station to be more discreet with your inquires.”

“Sorry your Grace, but given the hour, need supersedes all vanities.”

The bishop turned to the light falling into the cell. The ring of hammers echoed off the square below.

“Vanity is all that keep me sane, Leonardo.”

“That will be ill defense standing before The Throne.”

The sound of the trap door broke the bishop’s final resolve.

“Continue.”

“Have you ever broken the seven commandment?”

A Well Defined Relationship Part 59

“Have you ever seen such a sorry sight,” said Mrs. Parsons to the good ladies of the gear guiled. “Like pig in the sty, best we end that wallowing.” They moved carefully across the slippery surface as the storm increased.

Meanwhile in the pit El Cid and the Doctor managed to draw down on each other only to find the rain had rendered the rail guns useless. So they turned them end over end and beat each other with the butts. When this failed to produce adequate damage they grab each other by the neck toppling back into the mud.

To Have

Have you ever swallowed the worm from a tumbler of Tequila? Have you ever made love on a moving commuter train? Have you ever jumped off a cliff? Have you ever smoked a Cuban cigar in a Turkish prison? Have you ever baked a cherry pie? Have you ever told Andy Warhol he sucks? Have you ever sang in public in the nude? Have you ever led a high speed police chase? Have ever run out of luck? Have ever held a baby, kiss the earth, prayed for one more day?

Have you ever taken a final breath?

I have.

Life is like a box of squirrels

Have you ever had a Forrest Gump moment? It’s often confined to a personal interact with the President of the United States. So I’m in the West Wing with about 120 bright shinny Teen Age Republicans. President Richard Nixon bounds into the room and starts taking question from us kids. Being gifted with a voice that will cut over anything less than a row of jackhammers, I ask the following: Do you see a chance for renewed relationship with the Red Chinese? The President actively scans the room for my face. He then looks over to Haldeman who merely shrugs.

Operetta

HAVE YOU EVER

NO HARDLY EVER

Sang out the choirs. “NO NO NO,” roared Gilbert, “This isn’t working.” “I’m not the one who thought it would be great fun to do musical version of Hamlet,” returned Sullivan as he penciled in changes to the score. “It’s not the words, it’s the temp.” “Good God, you want it faster don’t you. Human being can’t sing that fast.” “Then get me some non-human singers.” Then next day a flock or parrots were brought in. “Now that more like it,” smiled Gilbert. Sullivan just shook his head. “Have you ever, no hardly evvvvvvvvvvvvvver

SPATE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Going Downhill

Have you ever had that feeling when you just know things are not going to
end well?

Like when you borrowed your brother’s rickety twenty-six inch three-speed
with the rusted handbrakes. the ride up the hill was great using that first
gear, but here you go, down the other side, picking up speed, faster and
faster, squeezing useless brake handles, careening out of control until
you’re facing the choice of being plastered onto the back of the ice cream
truck you were chasing or plowing through Mrs. Thornton’s prize blue roses.

And that’s what turning fifty-seven felt like to me.

ZACKMANN

“Have you ever felt like Captain Courageous.”

“No, but I have felt Captain Courageous by accident. I know it might a lame claim to fame but it is true. I was just leaving the bank when Mister Fabulous threw a car at a bank robber and when the Tiny Tikes Cosy Coupe bounced of him it hit me pushing me into Captain Courageous. I or rather my hat that touched her skin. Turns out she has an allergy to felt. That is why I no longer wear a fedora, that and I found out I have a wool allergy too.”

JULIE

Her tiny tombstone,

Oddly shaped, shiny shard of anathracite

Pressing from the earth and wild clover—

Dwarfed,

By the monolithic,

Respectable pillars of

Grandfathers, and portly matrons.

And us—

Mummy,

John,

Julia,

Jackie–

We four.

And Stu’s old guitar,

Entombed in the worn case–

It’s still in tune.

His paintings enshrined–

He would have been an artist,

Without me.

From the weathered docks,

The grey gulls swoop–

To and from,

The sea.

The wind and ocean

Bring it back to me—

My mother, my best friend,

My life—

All cut short

I won’t recall.

In my life, I’ve loved them all.

NORVAL JOE

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live another’s life? Have you ever walked in the proverbial other man’s shoes and then later worried he might catch your athletes foot fungus? Have you ever put on another man’s clothes, but thought, no way am I going to wear his underwear. Have you ever peeled the skin off your best friends face, stuck it to your own with self adhesive velcro and went to his house after work to see if you could fool his wife?
No? Then there’s no way you can understand where I’m coming from.

DIONYSIUS

The Ghost’s Story

Being a dead king was better! Almost as soon as he was dead, Hamlet realized that it was just what he’d always wanted. How better to serve Denmark than to float around unseen? It was fun, as well, to move somebody’s bodkin and watch them try to find it. He got an admittedly creepy thrill spying on his worthless, over-educated son’s cute girlfriend. No more hiding behind an arras!

Sadly, his whole perspective changed when he floated in one night on the Queen and his brother in bed together! He got a perverse thrill, but then they started talking about how he died! That ruined everything.

Interview

Have you ever actually loved? he asked. When you go home to your wife — you look like someone with a wife — and she greets you at the door — as she sweetly murmurs your name and kisses or maybe fondles you — your desire is telling you to end the nothingness, this horrible desire. Isn’t your poor little object of desire prepared for annihilation? But your love loves itself more than anything. You refuse to acknowledge your absolute desire to annihilate that very desire by annihilating its object. The difference between you and me is that I honor desire.

Romantic Comedy

Have you ever opened your soul to infinite becoming? she asked.

It was an odd question from a callgirl. I stopped dressing and looked at her. I don’t know what that means, I said. Soul.

It’s ok, she said. You seemed kinda smart, so …

Seemed? I laughed.

Sorry! She had an innocent laugh. I’m taking a philosophy class. She shrugged.

I said, It’s not very safe.

Philosophy?

I laughed. Maybe. I meant this.

We were both quiet.

Finally I asked her, Wanna get something to eat or a coffee? Discuss infinite becoming?

Off the clock? she asked.

That’s how I met your mother.

Changes

It was the day she told us she was getting married.

Everyone else, our parents and her new fiancé, had gone to bed. My sister and I were sitting in the dark on the porch.

This is a big change for you, I said. She would be 37 in May.

Have you ever noticed things? she asked.

“Things”?

Yeah, she answered, how everything has an emptiness. Around it. Inside, too. Nothing is meant to last. Everything changes.

Two years later she was killed. Darren fell apart and left for who knows where. Little D’s with us now.

Everything changes.

DANNY

Weekly Challenge: Do not say the work FUCK on WordPress, oh, and the topic is “Have You Ever…”

Have you ever wondered what constitutes a rant on Facebook? I have come to the conclusion that any rant on Facebook must contain the word Fuck. Otherwise, it’s just not a rant. Well, maybe a rant without the word Fuck is considered by the rest of the world not born and raised in New Jersey to still be considered a rant, but for the rest of us born and raised in New Jersey, you just cannot consider any rant a real rant without repeatedly screaming the word fuck on the top of your lungs. There, I finally covered a topic.

MUNSI

Privacy

By Chris Munroe

Have you ever felt you were being watched?

Because you are, as you know if you follow me on Twitter, friend me on Facebook, or read my blog. I’ve also mentioned it via Tinder, Youtube and Pinterest, it’s kind of a pet issue of mine.

I worry deeply about privacy issues.

Which is, in fact, the subject of my new podcast, which I’ll debut in the new year. We’ve rented a theatre space for recording, so anyone who wants can come in and take part in the dialogue.

It’s an important issue, after all. We have to protect our privacy…

CHELSEA

Have you ever?

Have you ever been absolutely terrified of something but just couldn’t put your finger on what it was? Fingers creeping up your spine, heart beating like a race horse on the home stretch, mind racing from one thing to another so fast you can’t latch on to a thought.

I have, all the time.

But, at the end of the day, anything could be out there in the dark. Cat, Roommate, Neighbor… Serial killer, ghost of a loved one, giant man eating spider….

There really is no telling what’s out there in the dark and sometimes, I really am terrified…

SERENDIPITY

Have you ever been afraid?

So afraid your heart pounds and your hands become clammy with sweat?

Have you ever tried to scream, and been so terrified, the sound dies in your throat; your legs, paralysed, try to run and fail?

Have you ever experienced the creeping fear that the shadow in the corner really is moving closer; that the clawed hand really is reaching for your leg from beneath the bed, and that the darkness holds demons that will terrorise your sleep?

Have you ever been truly afraid?

Ah, but you will.

I’ll make damn sure that you are.

PLANET Z

Remember when Cinderella lost her glass slipper?

Why didn’t she take off and toss away the other glass slipper?

Ever try to run in one high heel? Or even one low heel, or a flat?

There’s something weird about trying to run with one foot bare.

Ever try it? Try it right now. Take off a shoe and try to run.

It feels weird, doesn’t it? You just want to take off your other shoe and toss it away.

So, do it. Take off that other shoe and toss it away.

Maybe your prince will come, too.

With your shoes.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is Boggle

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is Boggle.

Want to give it a shot? Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

- The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
- Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
- A topic for the next Weekly Challenge.
- And a recording of your story (and any shameless plugs).

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, go to Drabblecast. They’ll record it for you. Here, we speak in our own voices.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

COMING SOON:
Limbo
Media
Age
Ace
Load
Fork
Vice
Guard
Always
Brass
Superconducting
Skeleton
Doom
X
Brain
Bank
Community
Cranberries
Shoe
Patient
New Jersey