Battery Power

Rosie has a cell phone.
She uses it a lot. Mostly to send Twitter updates.
She uses it so much, she runs out of battery power constantly.
And Tweets about it.
“Did you change the thing before we left?” I ask.
“Yes!” she shouts, and Tweets some more complains about low battery power.
So, I gave her my portable battery charger and bought a bigger one for myself.
“Here, take this.”
Now, she runs out of power on the phone AND the portable battery charger. Or she forgets the cord.
So, I bought earplugs. And I turn up my music loud.

Pardon my French

In Paris, hundreds of Muslims and Arabs assaulted Jews at a synagogue and shouted “Jews leave France!” The Jews barricaded themselves in the synagogue for safety from the angry mob.
A synagogue is not an embassy or state institution. It is a religious institution. Protesting a synagogue by definition is anti-Semitism, and attacking Jews for being Jews in a synagogue is a hate crime.
France claims to be a Western democracy that supports freedom of religion, the rights of the individual, and the rule of law.
If anyone should be expelled from France, it’s those freedom-hating angry Muslims and Arabs.

Star Pupil

The trays they have in the school cafeteria are the same as the trays in the prison.
I know it’s just a coincidence, but with the dropout rate and the gang problem, I guess it’s good to have some stability in their lives.
Me, I teach. At the school during the week, and at the prison over weekends and holidays.
Some of my worst students in the school turned out to be the best students in the prison.
It’s good to get a second chance, I always say. For them. And for me, I suppose.
It makes me try harder.

Weekly Challenge #612

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Tinny the Pest

RICHARD

“So”, she asked, looking coy, “are you involved with anyone?”

“Involved?”

“Don’t be shy – you know what I mean. Are you seeing someone; romantically involved; any significant other in your life?”

I looked at her askance.

“Don’t you think that’s a little inappropriate, considering the circumstances?” I countered.

“Oh, I don’t think you mean that”, she said, undoing anther button…

I turned to consult with my colleagues: “Well, what do you think?”

The look on their faces told me all I needed to know.

“I’m sorry, Miss Smith, but we don’t think you’re suited to teaching at this primary school!”

SERENDIPITY

I can’t bear those ridiculous crime programmes on TV. I don’t care if it’s CSI, Columbo, or even Miss Marple; there’s no attempt at realism and the plots are so convoluted and involved it beggars belief that anybody could take them at all seriously.

The truth of the matter is that a couple of police officers turn up, poke around for a bit, take some pictures of the body, then arrange for it to be carted off to the morgue, where the whole thing is forgotten, The paperwork simply isn’t worth the effort.

As long as I pay them well.

JEFFREY

The Times We Traveled
by Jeffrey Fischer

In the end, time travel turned out to be less of a trick than scientists feared. To be sure, the calculations were very involved, but they were no challenge for the finest mathematical minds of the day.

Of course, even the best minds can’t think of everything. As soon as the chief scientist threw the switch to operate the machine, all possible futures occurred at once. Ex-wives quarelled with wives from realities where the divorce never happened. Powerful nations from one timeline clashed with those in other timelines, sometimes with disastrous results. From that moment, time was indeed quite involved.

TOM

River of No Return

He tried to ignore the word. It sailed in with the usually stream of directives, suggestions, and near imperatives. It took a bit to parse because Ann, his latest, and longest surviving girlfriend was a 33rd level relationship magi. Her ability to break the finer points of couplesness into near infinitesimal infinite lines of input code which as a rule just by-passed Ben’s male firewall drilling direct down into his soul had come in the form of a question. So there is was: INVOLED. The Closer he came to a reply the closer his free ranging day were at an end.

NORVAL JOE

As Bernard was growing up, his father tried to teach him life’s lessons.

He was a successful psychiatrist, so he was believable when he counseled to never get romantically involved with your customers. He lost some credibility when he ran off with one of his patients who had multiple personality disorder. Each of her personalities was a different performer in a circus. Bernard’s dad was going to be the ring master.

Bernard thought he could follow his father’s guidance by becoming a mortician until he tried to embalm a beautiful vampiress who bit him and made him into her consort.

TURA

Involved
———
The involution transporter had one disadvantage: everything that went through it arrived inside out. Go on, imagine putting yourself through one. It’s popular among the nastier regimes of the world for executing condemned criminals. Then someone realised that if you made two jumps you’d end up inside in. It needs huge accuracy to arrive not just right way out but exactly the same shape, and it’s still a shock. Not to mention that perceptible moment when your digestive tract is on your outside and your skin is on your inside. Not many people can cope with that. A pity, really.

PLANET Z

It is Winter. Outside of the church, Elsa sells matches in the street.
Her father beats her if she does not sell anything, so she stays out in the cold.
Nobody buys matches. Everyone just passes her by, up the steps into the church.
To keep warm, Elsa strikes the matches, one by one.
The church choir sings of love, kindness, and charity.
So Heavenly. So beautiful.
So hypocritical.
Elsa strikes her last match and lights the church on fire.
As worshippers flee the blaze, she steals the collection box and grabs a dropped coat and scarf to keep warm.

The next weekly challenge topic is Smartypants

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is Smartypants.

Want to give it a try?

Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following in your email:

– The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
– Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
– A topic for an upcoming Weekly Challenge.
– And a recording of your story. (Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.)

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

JAN 7 Slack
JAN 14 Involved
JAN 21 Smartypants
JAN 28 PICK TWO
Corner
Tiger
Tie
Please
Encountered
Obsolete
Winter
Webcam

FEB 4 Why not?
FEB 11 If only I had…
FEB 18 Grab a bag…
FEB 25 PICK TWO
Native
Drumroll
Brothers
Web
Pi(e)
Slice
Ticker
Tower
Elephant

MAR 4 Generally
MAR 11 Braided
MAR 18 Water
MAR 25 PICK TWO
Fail
Globe
Sunny
Wee
Shift
Well
Butter
Wilco
Grass

APR 1 Hardly
APR 8 Vibration
APR 15 Weak
APR 22 Camping
APR 29 PICK TWO
Granite
Pertinent
Record
Surely
Tag
Bridge
Proud
Detective
Tarp
Caramel

MAY 6 Fly
MAY 13 Organ
MAY 20 Pizza
MAY 27 PICK TWO
Doc
Grumpy
Happy
Sleepy
Dopey
Bashful
Sneezy

JUNE 3 Tip
JUNE 10 Ratchet
JUNE 17 Wafer
JUNE 24 PICK TWO
Prompt
Screech
Future
Gyrate
Frustration
Majestic
Fired
Packer

JULY 1 Never say…
JULY 8 Stab
JULY 15 Chance
JULY 22 Quill
JULY 29 PICK TWO
Mug
Unfortunate
Global
Grime
Elephant
Splat
Dread

AUG 5 Power
AUG 12 When the lights went out…
AUG 19 Flay
AUG 26 PICK TWO
Mask
Pinprick
Out of sync
Grapes
Rose
Drive
Print
Darling
Terminal

SEP 2 Win
SEP 9 Driver error
SEP 16 Addictive
SEP 23 Chaos
SEP 30 PICK TWO
Minefield
Fountain
Angle
Craft
Sodium
Salute
Engine
Candle
Case

OCT 7 Dug
OCT 14 Mystery
OCT 21 Turtle
OCT 28 PICK TWO
Pagoda
Winner
Rustic
Confusing
Grinding
Patience
Arthur
Crypt

NOV 4 Dispute
NOV 11 Braced
NOV 18 Flower
NOV 25 PICK TWO
Bubbling
Saffron
Lime
Axial
Repetition
Can
Spaceship

DEC 2 Too much
DEC 8 Polar
DEC 16 Belt
DEC 23 Irritation
DEC 30 PICK TWO
Reflect
Pounce
Gymnastics
Obsolete
Engage
Girls
Easier

Carrot delinquents

When I go to the grocery store, I like to put bags of baby carrots in other people’s carts.
I do this because if you don’t find a good home for baby carrots, they grow up unloved and without discipline, and they become juvenile delinquent carrots.
Or worse… they end up dead, and their bodies are chopped up for carrot cakes.
Trust me. The last thing you want is a carrot cake with a police record.
Best to find them homes now so they can be eaten before they turn into society’s problem.
If only more carrots practiced safe sex.

Garbage Days

On Monday, we roll the garbage out from the garage to the curb.
On Tuesday, garbage men come by to collect the garbage.
On Wednesday, the city sends people around to fine those who do not roll their empty garbage cans back into their garages.
Sometimes, neighbors will be nice and do that for you Tuesday night if you haven’t done it yet yourself.
While others will roll their empties on to your curb on Wednesday morning, just to fuck with you.
That’s when you chuck their empty garbage cans through their front window.
And burn their goddamned house down.