Weekly Challenge #470 – Anchor

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El Stupido

MUNSI

Drop the Anchors

By Christopher Munroe

Anchors away?

Never! And to hell with anyone who’d suggest such a thing!

To hell!

There’s an anchor crisis here, at home! Right in our own backyard there are no anchors, unless you live near a shipyard in which case maybe, but what about the people who DON’T live near shipyards? What about them?

Yet some would send our anchors away? Never! An anchor in every garage! I believe in anchors for everyone, and nothing’s stopping us but our own unwillingness to act!

So act we shall!

Something something, and let’s set course to this bold, new, anchorful future, together!

JEFFREY

Retirement
by Jeffrey Fischer

I helped my friend Mike pack his office. He was retiring at the end of the week and wanted to take home his handful of personal items. While Mike sorted through desk drawers, I removed anything hanging on the walls.

Most were pictures of family or vacation spots, but occupying a place of honor was Mike’s treasured “Employee of the Year” plaque. I tugged at it, but the plaque refused to move. Studying it, I saw a large bolt anchoring it to the wall. The plaque wasn’t going home without a large chunk of plasterboard.

“Oh, just leave that,” Mike said.

“Your award? Your recognition for years of hard work?”

“Well, someone’s hard work. It came with the office. I guess the previous guy couldn’t pry it loose.”

The Diagnosis
by Jeffrey Fischer

My wife came out of the physician’s office with a grim look on her face. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Dr. Boothe said the pains were likely from a tumor.” She fought back tears. “Judging from the size and position, he said I may have only a few weeks.”

I sank into a chair, my legs unable to hold me. How could this be? My rock, my anchor, the one person I could always rely on – gone in a few weeks?

My wife saw my grief-stricken expression and laughed. “April Fool! He thinks it’s just indigestion and I’ll be fine. Had you going, though.”

I later told the police, after I killed her, that she didn’t even have the month right.

RICHARD

Sailor

I never realised just how difficult being a sailor could be for someone who takes things as literally as me.

It started when the captain told me to weigh anchor… It took me a week to find a set of scales that could handle it.

Then I was told to station myself in the crow’s nest – but just how do you find a crow so far out to sea? In the end I settled for a seagull, but I can’t say the captain was impressed.

It was time to quit, when I was ordered to scrub the poop deck!

SERENDIPITY

When you told me to throw out the anchor, you should really have been far more careful about how you phrased it.

Right this minute, you’re wondering why we’re still drifting… creeping ever closer, inexorably towards the jagged reef and its needle sharp coral fingers.

And, as the hull splinters and splits on the rocks below; as the sea rushes in to drag you under to your doom, you’ll turn to me, eyes imploring ‘Why?’

And, I’ll smile back, and your final memory will be the siren’s song, echoing across the waves, as my sisters welcome me home, once more.

ZACKMANN

“What brings you into Cliff’s Tattoo Parlor today?”

“Well, I just got this job as an anchorman for a new cable news network;Unbroken News. They thought I would be edgier if I got a tattoo.”

“Are they the ones whose slogan is At least as accurate as The Onion.”? That seems like a low standard” said Cliff

“You would think but three of the existing networks can’t manage to do it.” said the newsman “Unbroken New instructed prior Navy gets an anchor tattoo.”

“A ship’s anchor?”
“No. I can still follow instructions getting Walter Cronkite’s character from We’re Back”

LIZZIE

Survivor

“I refuse to sink” read the tattoo on her chest. Decades of wars and narrow escapes turned her into a survivor. Yet, she knew. The capsule injected under her skin was her anchor.

As a child, she disappeared for a week, to her parents’ frantic despair. When she returned, the stories of strange looking beings with oddly shaped eyes and white skin were hurriedly dismissed.

When they finally came back for the data in the capsule, she smiled. That was the moment she had lived for. She asked them “take me with you” and they did. She’s over 250 today.

TOM

Hay Kid we can put on a show.

Why so glum Timmy? Cindy Lu needs a new iron lung, but Grandpa Joe can’t raise the money because the Bank is foreclosing on his farm,” said the lad plopping down on a bale of hay. “Heck Kid you gave me a great idea. We can take all this hay and make it into seating for a Musical Extravaganza right here in the barn. Will do a review, call it Anchors Way. A wandering Hollywood executive will see it and will make it into a big old Hollywood movie, make plenty of scratch get Cindy that brand new iron lung.

American Enterprise

The treasure fleet anchored in the bay. The Pomo representative boarded the Great Khan’s flagship with five oaken chests. In Chinese fluent, he greeted the Master Merchant with a long riddle. Tinsu Lang replied in prefect Pomo, “Coyote would ask the turtle.” “Then we are in agreement.” 30 bolts of crimson silk appeared alongside 30 pots of crimson spices. The Pomo dealer opened the oak chests filled to the top with Lake Diamonds and Konocti Obsidian arrow heads. Of all the riches that flowed across the continent the most valuable was beware the Europeans. The guns sure came in handy.

NORVAL JOE

Popeye went into the tattoo shop and asked to have his trademark anchor tattoo removed.
“If we remove it, we won’t know it’s you. It would be as bad as getting rid of the spinach.”
“Thacks the poink,” Popeye said, explaining that the belief that spinach had more iron was based on a decimal error on a government report from the late 1800. It’s no better for you than broccoli.
“It’s easier to cover the tattoo with something, than remove it,” the tattooist said. “How about Olive oil?”
They settled on Bluto, whom Popeye had secretly loved all these years.

TURA

Anchor
——–
There was once an anchoress, walled up in a cell in a church, to spend her days in contemplation. There was no door, only a barred window through which she might hear mass.

One day, the devil came to tempt her.

“Holy mother,” he said, “how brave to rise above the sneers of the ignorant, to be willingly shut up in the darkness! Do you never long to walk through the world of God’s creation?”

“What?” exclaimed the man who swept up the elephant dung in the circus, who had wandered in from another joke. “And give up show business?”
——–

KIMI

I sat in the third row on a metal folding chair in a small room off of the main chapel. Bill’s casket was open and I could see a few wisps of curly black hair and the heavy horn-rimmed glasses set astride his waxy nose.
Leaning back, I closed my eyes and ears to the goings on around me and thought of the sweet big guy that would wrap his burly arms around you and snug in close as he shared his amazing ooey-gooeyness.
I will miss those long, I Really Mean It hugs, Anchors AWeigh, my friend

PLANET Z

My first job out of college was with a public television station.
After my internship finished, I was asked to help the transmitter engineer with computer support.
Lots of already-ancient Tandy 1000’s stacked up in the warehouse, gathering dust.
Someone joked that we should give them away, like we did with mugs, tote bags, and Three Tenors CDs.
“Or use them as boat anchors,” said the transmitter engineer.
I left that place years ago. Never went back, didn’t keep in touch.
I imagine that old transmitter engineer out on his boat, hauling up a dead PC and sailing for Cuba.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is Fit

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is FIT..

Want to give it a shot? Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following in your email:

– The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
– Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
– A topic for an upcoming Weekly Challenge.
– And a recording of your story. (Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.)

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

COMING SOON:
5/10 Troll
5/17 A word that doesn’t exist
5/24 Cheese
5/31 TENTH ANNIVERSARY <- open season, no specified topic
6/7 Try
6/14 Ounce
6/21 Wave
6/28 Tramps
7/5 Sing
7/12 Hopeless
7/19 Guest
7/26 Spike
8/2 Kid
8/9 When
8/16 Saw
8/23 Your favorite quote
8/30 Mug
9/6 Building
9/13 Adventure
9/20 Scoop
9/27 Mirror
10/4 Good Buddy
10/11 Us
10/18 Stick
10/25 “I remember when…”
11/1 Crush
11/8 Order
11/15 Deck
11/22 Wind
11/27 Pin
12/4 Pick a card… any card!

Nathan

When it comes to hot dogs, I’m a Chicago-style hot dog kind of guy.

New York-style is vile. Ketchup has no business being on a hot dog.

Furthermore, when you look past the toppings, New York hot dogs themselves are vastly inferior to the Chicago dogs.

Just look at Nathan’s Famous.

Their Coney Island location has held their hot dog eating contest every July Fourth, and contestants gobble up their bland hot dogs by the ton.

Flavorless mush in cheap casings and buns… just like the crap they serve every other day.

Not worth slowing down to taste the things.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

Pete Townsend may have written Won’t Get Fooled Again, but for all his bluster, Pete was really easy to fool.

The rest of the band was always fooling Pete, smashing up their hotel rooms and then switching the numbers around when Pete went to get more ice. Then they’d smash up his room too.

Keith Moon managed to stick Pete with his bar tabs, and then he bought a car with the money he saved.

The one that he ran himself over with.

The bass player? What’s his name?

Exactly.

When Roger Daltrey dies, Pete will get the last laugh.

Braintree

The origin of the name of the city of Braintree is lost in time, but historians believe that it comes from “Branoc’s Tree.”

Branoc was a farmer who lived in a massive treehouse, so massive that his whole family and all of his cousins and neighbors lived in it, too.

In the center of this massive tree was a glowing, pulsating brain, which acted as mayor, judge, and object of worship.

Wait… did you mean Braintree in England or in Massachusetts?

Massachusetts? Shit.

Those jerks just stole the name from those freaks up in the tree.

Stupid thieving colonist bastards.

Hobson

Long ago, a stable owner named Hobson insisted that customers take the horse closest to the stable door so his best horses wouldn’t get worn out.

Some customers protested, but in the end, horses are horses, right?

If a horse caused problems, he sold it or slaughtered it for meat.

Things went well for many years, until he decided to sell the stable and retire.

For the rest of his life, Hobson spent his time whoring it up at the local brothel.

Whenever Hobson came by, they lined up by the door.

And he fucked whatever whore he wanted to.

Foster’s Nurse

“Foster isn’t feeling very well” is one of the phrases that the Nursebot is programmed to use.

“Foster is unavailable at the moment” is another.

The Nursebot uses those a lot when people call to check on Foster.

One phrase that the Nursebot does not have available is “Foster doesn’t want to talk to you, so he bought a Nursebot to make people like you think that he’s sick.”

Or “Foster slipped and broke his neck in the shower this morning.”

Foster’s body is covering the drain in the shower. The water is overflowing.

And the Nursebot just watches… waiting…