When I hear the phrase “heavy with child” I imagine a large burlap sack stuffed full of babies.

Juicy, delicious fat babies.

So… so tasty!

Sadly, Old Doctor Parker doesn’t go door to door anymore with his burlap sack. His heavy, squirming burlap sack.

For a while, though, you could call his office, and he’d let you in the back door, and you could pick out the one you wanted.

But the angry mob, waving their torches and pitchforks, made quick work of Old Doctor Parker and his shady “day care center.”

We’ll settle for turkey this Thanksgiving, I guess.


Every time I watch baseball games, I like to see the look of joy on the faces of kids who catch foul balls.

Or some adult catches the ball, but they hand it to a kid.

A foul ball. A ball hit out of play.

A failure.

And yet, a kid out in the stand gets so such joy out of it.

That’s way, way different from you laughing at my latest fuckup at work, kid.

That’s a mistake.

Me, I don’t laugh at others mistakes.

I learn from them.

Like, who to fire next.

Pack up your shit and go.


Staples in my skin.
All over my body.
I am on a towel, on a table.
You pull them out.
Slowly, with pliers.
Dipped in the alcohol.
Slowly, you pull them out.
My eyes, closed.
They’re everywhere
How did this happen, you ask.
When did this happen?
You pull them out.
Hold the cloth to the spot.
Stop the bead of blood.
They’re scabbed over, grown over
Dig gently. Pull them out.
You hum a soft tune.
I feel nothing.
Did you drug me?
Or is it just the tune?
They spelled a message.
That I cannot read.


“No,” she said.

He reached across the table for her hand and tried to slide the ring on.

She pulled her hand out of his.

“No,” she said again.

They sat for a while. Neither touched their wine or spaghetti.

People at other tables tried not to stare, but they did.

She was the first to leave.

He waited a bit before he got up and left.

“No charge,” whispered the maitre’d.

He nodded, and got into his car.

“They bought it?” she asked.

He nodded, grinning.

“Good. Now give me my ring back. And don’t forget your wallet again.”

State Fair

I’ve been to the State Fair here in my state a dozen times, but I’ve never been to any other state fair.

So, I went to every state fair in the country.

If you ignore the signs with the state’s name on them, it’s all the same crap:

Carnival rides.
Clowns and midway games.
Music and dancing.
Farmers and the stuff they grow.

Oh, there’s a few exceptions. Alaska is kinda cold, Texas was huge and loud and obnoxious, and in Hawaii they have a volcano sacrifice.

Or is that the penalty for me trying to rob the ticket office?

Alternate dimension

After feeling alienated and out of place for several years, I realized that I must have ended up in an alternate dimension.
The most important thing to do in an alternate dimension is try to avoid meeting yourself.
No good can come from that.
Or, if you do meet yourself, meet them for lunch somewhere and have them pick up the tab.
You’re the guest to their dimension, after all.
Unless, of course, you have a habit of leaving your guest with the check.
Then, be sure to excuse yourself and escape out the bathroom window.
Before they do it.

Weekly Challenge #487 – Your Favorite Quote

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Emma Kitten


My Favorite Quote

By Christopher Munroe

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

It’s embroidered on the lining of my suit-jacket, and I try to live according to the line to the degree that I’m able.

It’s from an old Adam Ant song, and while the source isn’t the most dignified to admit to, that doesn’t worry me. I have, after all, learned the lesson of the song well…

I live life free of fear of ridicule, as best I can. Always, and in all ways.

A point, based on how ridiculous you’ve seen me so willingly make myself, with which I suspect that you’ll agree…


Exam Day
by Jeffrey Fischer

Tyler woke and realized this was the day of his big history exam. He was utterly unprepared. This will be a disaster, he thought. Sure enough, he couldn’t begin to answer many of the questions. However, he was confident he had done enough to pass the course.

When grades came out, Tyler received an F in the course along with a note that reminded him he would be re-taking the same course next year. He made an appointment to see his history teacher to beg for another chance.

Miss Fitzgerald wouldn’t budge. “As we learned from Santayana, ‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’ See you next year.”

Tyler consoled himself with the thought that perhaps he, too, could become a famous guitarist like Carlos Santana.

For the Gipper
by Jeffrey Fischer

Frank was on his third date with Caitlyn. The two had really hit it off after a mutual friend introduced them. She was an older woman with a masculine physique, but Frank was no youngster, and the two could talk for hours on any topic.

Dinner went well, and Frank felt bold enough to ask her to his place for a nightcap. To his delight, she accepted. As the couple waited for a cab, Frank placed a hand on her hip, then let the hand snake southward. Caitlyn smiled – right up to the moment he grabbed her crotch and squeezed.

“What was that for?” the woman angrily demanded.

“You moved like a lady but a guy can’t be too certain these days. As Reagan said, ‘Trust, but verify.'”


My Favourite Quote

My favourite quote hangs framed on the wall above my desk.

It’s not what you’d expect – no motivational words, stirring imagery or perceptive insights, in fact to read it you’ll have to move a bit closer. That’s when people get a little bemused: “It’s just an ordinary business document”, they say, “a quote for something or other”.

At that point, they usually get bored and don’t bother reading the small print.

Yes, it is just a quote – a quote for the sale of the web domain I owned, to Google: One hundred, million dollars.

And yes, they paid up!



“The pleasure is only momentary, and the position is ridiculous.” My old pal, D., had this to say about sexual coupling. He is right. For the amount of psychic energy and cost of a dinner and a show, the output is far more than the input. The formula: PE+D^2(S)=O-P proves my point. D. is English, and doesn’t say much, but he might have said: “”There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the new Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” , but this is attributed to P. J. O’Rourke, not to my friend.


D. came into the family room. His wife, Maureen was drinking coffee and looking lovely. D. looked uncomfortable, and tugged at the fly front of his jeans. “Damn Hotel Covell pants. No ballroom. ” The Covell was a vintage,, small hotel in the center of town, and did not have room for a ballroom. This struck me such that I remember this quip to this day. His wife laughed so hard she spat out coffee. D., as always, had a slight smile on his face as he always did when he realized his impromptu, but clever joke, was a hit.


“An abrupt beginning is much admired, after the fashion of the clown’s entry through the chemist’s window…then whack at your reader at once, hit him over the head with the sausages, brisk him up with the poker, bundle him into the wheelbarrow, and so carry him away with you before he knows where you are.” H. G. Wells gave this advice about writing an essay. Surely, it is filled with surreal imagery, but makes the point about a writing a strong essay or a tale you might find on these pages. I’d like to hit all my readers with sausages.


A very lame title: My favorite quote

My favorite quote actually is one my own. It isn’t a famous quote, because I’m not a famous sort of person. My quotes tend to be uninflected juxtapositions. Sort of wibbly wobbly timey wimey. They graze across the head more so then drill down deep. There’s: The faces remain the same only the names change. And: I’m not leaving the room is staying. But by far the one dew believe will get me listed in Bartlett’s is a play on an already well known quote concerning the nature and place of humankind in the universal order.

Tool the Man User.


“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” He carried this quote in his wallet. The tiny piece of paper had been folded many times. It was so well hidden that he had completely forgotten about it. He married, had six children and worked hard to raise them. He lost his wife and many good friends. He now had 20 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren. At his death bed, his surviving daughter asked “How did you manage to do all you did, Dad?” That’s when he recalled the quote and replied “Look around. I had a why.”


Roosevelt famously said: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself – nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror”.

Well, Roosevelt was wrong… Fear is the very least of your worries – it’s what lies at the heart of that fear which should concern you: Peer into the darkness, lift the veil and there you will find me.

It is I that you should fear; and what I do that should provoke horror!

And, with understanding comes knowledge: fear does indeed have a name, it is reasoning, and your terror is completely justified.

The only thing you have to fear is…



Your favorite quote
Who said this?

“Love is the question. You are the answer.”

Gandhi? Mother Theresa? No, yours truly. The inspiring quotes you see online are mostly written by hacks like me.

“Life does not HAVE meaning, it IS meaning.”

“Your truest enemy is your truest friend.”

I sell these to greeting card publishers, self-help writers, and anyone wanting deep wisdom to decorate a web site.

Here’s my second favorite quote: “A mine of glistening jewels of insight, an enlightenment experience on every page.” That’s from the blurb for my latest book of quotations.

And my favorite? “Pay to the order of…”


In 1997 the TV Guide awarded the 1975 episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show, “Chuckles Bites the Dust”, the #1 slot in their 100 Greatest Episodes of All Time.
Chuckles the Clown, the host of children’s programming on WJM-TV performed as several characters, one of whom was Peter Peanut. Dressed as such when acting as grand master of a circus parade, a rogue elephant attached and tried to shell him. He later died from his injuries.
Since that episode in 1975 I’ve adhered to Chuckles’s philosophy of, “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.”

Suggested prompt……..Don’t be a crybaby.


Many years ago, a deranged candymaker muttered “So shines a good deed in a weary world” as he prepared to hand over his business to what he thought was a worthy successor.

A kid.
Okay, so he was an honest kid, but still, he was a kid.

A kid who had no idea how to run a business.
Suppliers, health inspections, labor disputes, and accounting meant nothing to him.

The chocolate factory went bust within a year. Everyone was ruined.

The candymaker’s arch-rival bought out the plant, automated everything, and hired Darrell Hammond to play the chocolatier in the commercials.