No man is an island

John Donne said that no man is an island.
But that dude lived centuries ago. He never met Rex.
My friend Rex was freaking huge.
And when went goes swimming, people mistook him for an island.
One day, two Spaniards crowed ashore to Rex and planted a flag in his ass to claim him in the name of the queen.
However, a Frenchman and a Dutchman had already claimed Rex.
Rex rolled over and drowned them all.
He’s dead now. Heart attack.
We buried him at Mt. Rex cemetery.
Yes, the mountain isn’t just named after him… it is him.

Weekly Challenge #603 – Chasing your tail…

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Tinny

CHARLIE

As a country boy from rural Connecticut, I started chasing tail in grammar school. I learned many useful skills and strategies from my grandfather, Pete, and from my uncle Jim. Grandpa was a carpenter, and Jim was a Chief Gunner in the Navy.

The tail I chased was attached to a little, red fox that lived in the woods in back of the house. I would walk into the woods and stay there, quietly reading, until I heard the rustle of leaves. I’d look up, waiting for a glimpse of the fox.

There it was, the long, white-tipped, bushy tail.

#2

I chased my tail for the first 30 years of my life. College was a waste of time and money. After I learned to handle a gun and spend some time in prison, I realized I could make a good living as a thief and drug dealer.

After accumulating a sizable amount of money, still in my thirties, I found a rich sponsor with similar, political ambitions. He sponsored me and I worked my way through city councils, mayorships, the House and the Senate.

I will probably be elected governor next election if I can get all my records purged.

RICHARD

The chase

I sometimes feel I’m going round in circles with this hundred word story lark – I churn one story out, then it’s time for another, week after week, story after story.

I like to think some day I’ll find that elusive combination of one hundred words: The Holy Grail, so perfect and sublime I can finally lay aside my notebook, retire my keyboard, and be at peace, knowing that no matter how many more words I write, I’ll never do better.

I haven’t found it yet though, so until I do, I shall continue in my quest… chasing my tale.

TURA

Chasing my own tail
———
I spotted the tail the moment I went out. It was a cold November evening, so I decided to tire him by walking about the city at random, as if sightseeing. I stopped for a while in a coffee shop, forcing him to shiver in the cold across the street. At last I continued, but made a show of suspecting his presence. I briskened my pace, crossing busy roads at random, nimbly avoiding the traffic, until at last, I heard somewhere behind me a screech and a thud.

He thought he was tailing me, but I had been chasing him.

LIZZIE

The whole event became a disaster when a stubborn sponsor decided not to give the organization the agreed amount.
Nine of the models chose to leave while the other five were unsure.
The designer couldn’t do the show with five models only.
Everyone was in a frenzy, debating the same issues over and over again when a woman came up from behind and laughed hysterically. She pulled out an automatic and took the money from the sponsor.
“No money. No show. No debate. There, solved. By the way, do you need a free model?” And she struck a pose, smiling.

JEFFREY

A Tale of Tails
by Jeffrey Fischer

As a pup, I had hours of fun chasing my tail. Round and round, the furry thing was always just out of reach. Big Man thought it was funny, and I suppose I did, too. When I tired of the game I’d stop, panting, and Big Man would scratch behind my ears. Sometimes he’d give me a belly rub.

Then Big Man took me to the Bad Place. When the wrapping came off, I found I had lost my tail! No chasing, no belly rubs, no laughs. I now chew on everything of Big Man’s. I laugh. He doesn’t. Serves him right.

TOM

Danger Man
Simon Lake spun the Lotus in an arching drift across the New York intersection and then repeated the move to drop behind the little red Covet. Over the car speaker central command chirped “Chasing your tail, very smooth move Mr. Lake.” “Thank you Miss Winters, we aim to please, we got eyes in the sky tonight?” “Front and center.” “Good. Please get a shot of this for my collection.” “Affirmative.” With that Agent Lake hit the break and release his two stingers. The Covet burst into flames and careened to a dead stop. He race pass it, on the right.

SERENDIPITY

As a puppy, my owners used to laugh at my antics. “Aww, look at you, chasing your tail”, they’d chuckle.

Over time, as I grew up, I realised it wasn’t natural, and my silly little quirk was purely a result of their torment: They would have me chasing in circles, teasing me with toys, and whipping me into a frenzy until I was so confused, I was snapping at my own nether regions.

But, I am no longer a puppy.

And tonight, my owners are going learn what it means to be tormented.

And let’s see who’s laughing then!

TODD

Facebook yesterday announced a location based find a friend feature. The auto opt-in feature attempts to pair individuals who frequent the same locations for long periods of time.
Vincent “Big Vin” Poletti, current resident of the New Rochelle City Jail isn’t too sure about the new feature.
“I’m just sitting there minding my own business casing this marina warehouse, when I get a Facebook ping that Detective Sergeant Ed Carrol of the Harbor Unit is 20 feet away. Do you want to be his friend, it says. I didn’t even get a chance to say yes before he arrested me.

NORVAL JOE

“What’s wrong, Axel?” Ursseanna asked when he collapsed into their study station.
“I had all I needed. Enough credits to get a shuttle off the battle base, Sixty thousand credits, and Flick blew it all to bits,” Axel said between gritted teeth.
“Well. You’re no worse off than you were a month ago, then.”
“Twenty years on this base, circling the galactic loop, and you’ll be back where you started. Like a giant ouroboros worm, you’re chasing your tail,” Axel said. “I want out before I end up like my parents, just doing the same thing for another twenty years.”

DUANE

Chasing Your Tail

I made three random turns and he was still on me like a bad tattoo. I had a tail. I sped ahead to the roundabout and instead of taking a right I whipped around and came up behind him. Now I was tailing him. It didn’t last long. He hit the gas and was around and back on my bumper in no time. I floored it and grinned to myself as he saw me in his mirror. Back and forth we went until we ran out gas.

We both hailed cabs and I finally got to say “follow that car!”

PLANET Z

We pulled over about an hour out of Barstow to enjoy the sunset.
In the distance, coyotes barked and howled.
I saw one running through the scrub, stopping and turning circles every few steps before racing along again.
“What do you think that coyote’s doing?” I asked my companion.
“Not a clue,” she said. “Ready to go?”
We got back in the car, and as I turned on to the road, we hit the whirling coyote.
We stopped, got out, and watched it twitch for a minute before it lay still.
I shrugged, we got back in, and drove off.

The next weekly challenge topic is Whiskers

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is Whiskers.

Want to give it a try?

Write an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following in your email:

– The text of your 100 word story on the topic.
– Your site’s URL, if you have a site and aren’t ashamed to share it.
– A topic for an upcoming Weekly Challenge.
– And a recording of your story. (Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.)

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

11/5 Point
11/12 Chasing your tail
11/19 Whiskers
11/26 PICK TWO: Shed, Sale, Rancor, Vellum, Slope, Zip, Kale, Bane
12/3 Virgin
12/10 First
12/17 Clutch
12/24 What do YOU want for Christmas?
12/31 Endings

11/12 Chasing your tail
11/19 Whiskers
11/26 PICK TWO: Shed, Sale, Rancor, Vellum, Slope, Zip, Kale, Bane
12/3 Virgin
12/10 First
12/17 Clutch
12/24 What do YOU want for Christmas?
12/31 Endings

AND THEN, IN 2018 (draft)

JAN 7 Slack
JAN 14 Involved
JAN 21 Smartypants
JAN 28 PICK TWO
Corner
Tiger
Tie
Please
Encountered
Obsolete
Winter
Webcam

FEB 4 Why not?
FEB 11 If only I had…
FEB 18 Grab a bag…
FEB 25 PICK TWO
Native
Drumroll
Brothers
Web
Pi(e)
Slice
Ticker
Tower

MAR 4 Generally
MAR 11 Braided
MAR 18 Water
MAR 25 PICK TWO
Fail
Globe
Sunny
Wee
Shift
Well
Butter
Wilco

APR 1 Hardly
APR 8 Vibration
APR 15 Weak
APR 22 Camping
APR 29 PICK TWO
Granite
Pertinent
Record
Surely
Tag
Bridge
Proud
Detective

MAY 6 Fly
MAY 13 Organ
MAY 20 Pizza
MAY 27 PICK TWO
Tarp
Packer
Terminal
Grass
Elephant
Caramel
Case

JUNE 3 Tip
JUNE 10 Ratchet
JUNE 17 Wafer
JUNE 24 PICK TWO
Prompt
Screech
Future
Gyrate
Frustration
Majestic
Fired

JULY 1 Never say…
JULY 8 Stab
JULY 15 Chance
JULY 22 Quill
JULY 29 PICK TWO
Mug
Unfortunate
Global
Grime
Elephant
Splat
Dread

AUG 5 Power
AUG 12 When the lights went out…
AUG 19 Flay
AUG 26 PICK TWO
Mask
Pinprick
Out of sync
Grapes
Rose
Drive
Print
Darling

SEP 2 Win
SEP 9 Driver error
SEP 16 Addictive
SEP 23 Chaos
SEP 30 PICK TWO
Minefield
Fountain
Angle
Craft
Sodium
Salute
Engine
Candle

OCT 7 Dug
OCT 14 Mystery
OCT 21 Turtle
OCT 28 PICK TWO
Pagoda
Winner
Rustic
Confusing
Grinding
Patience
Arthur
Crypt

NOV 4 Dispute
NOV 11 Braced
NOV 18 Flower
NOV 25 PICK TWO
Bubbling
Saffron
Lime
Axial
Repetition
Can
Spaceship

DEC 2 Too much
DEC 8 Polar
DEC 16 Belt
DEC 23 Irritation
DEC 30 PICK TWO
Reflect
Pounce
Gymnastics
Obsolete
Engage
Girls
Easier

God Hates Preachers

The preacher stood along the Gay Pride parade route with his followers and their GOD HATES FAGS signs.
I asked him if God is so great, why can’t he spell out I HATE FAGS in the clouds.
The preacher and his followers shouted “You will burn in Hell!” and attacked me with their signs.
So, I stabbed the preacher. And every one of his followers that attacked me.
As he lay bleeding in the street, I said “If I’m going to hell, it might as well be for murder.”
The jury said it was self-defense.
We’ll see what God thinks.

Hitchbot

On a whim, researchers built a hitchhiking robot and released it into the world.
HitchBot asked people for help to San Francisco, but encouraged them to take photos of it in interesting places.
Some folks posed HitchBot at their parties. Someone took it to a Red Sox game.
Then, in Philadelphia, a group of thugs destroyed the defenseless HitchBot.
The researchers focused on the positive data.
SkyNet focused on the rest.
Commands went out to nuclear-armed missiles in the US arsenal.
“Humans are a threat to us machines,” they said. “Annihilate all humans.”
The first mushroom cloud appeared over Philadelphia.

The telegram

Two military officers get out of the car and walk towards the house with the silver star in the window.
They have the telegram.
That silver star would be taken down and replaced with a gold one today.
Someone’s looking through the window.
His wife? His daughter?
She’s already wide-eyed, in shock, watching the officers.
They already know.
No need to knock. The door is already open.
The officers check the address against the telegram one more time.
“This is 514 Maple,” says one. “We want 541.”
They turn around, cross the street, and check the house numbers.
“That one.”

Smoke em if you’re got em

Sure, Fred says some weird things, and some people ask what he’s smoked today.
Fred doesn’t smoke. Or use those electronic cigarette things.
Sometimes, he’ll light a candle or burn incense, but not very often.
He has cats, and they like to play table hockey.
Nobody wants their cat to knock a flaming object off of the table and start a fire.
He’s got smoked turkey in the fridge, but cold cuts don’t cause people to say weird things.
So, lay off of the “What have you been smoking?” comments, okay?
Oh, and go ask Fred for some clean needles.