Cosmologist

Billie needed to get her hair done. Her roots were showing, and the split ends were coming back.
But her regular cosmetologist was booked. And couldn’t fit in any walk-ins.
So, Billie went to a cosmologist.
“Of course I have time for you,” said the cosmologist. “The earth is over four billion years old, and we believe that the universe is nearly fifteen billion years old. What’s a few minutes here and there?”
They discussed galaxies and quasars and pulsars and comets.
After several sessions, Billie’s hair was an absolute fright.
Which explains how Albert Einstein’s hair got that way.

Shot my best friend

I shot my best friend Rex.
It was an accident, I swear.
Besides, he’s fine.
The bullet missed anything important.
And the surgeons got the bullet out.
He keeps the bullet in a glas jar on his shelf.
And he’s always showing people his scar.
“This is where my best friend shot me,” he says.
So, why did I shoot him?
There wasn’t a reason. None at all.
We were shooting at beer cans on a fence, and he held up a can and…
Hey, it was his idea. And he wanted to use shotguns.
Imagine that mess, right?

Weekly Challenge #629 – ORGAN

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

  • Richard
  • Charlie Lacrosse
  • Lizzie
  • Serendipity
  • Tom
  • Jon
  • Norval Joe
  • Danny
  • Paul Camp
  • Planet Z
  • Sleepy

    RICHARD

    Mavis

    Mavis plays the pipe organ in church every Sunday.

    She’s not particularly good, but the vicar won’t let anyone else try their hand, despite having a few candidates who could play equally well, if not better.

    There’s Albert, who was a music teacher; Henry, who plays keyboard on a Friday night at The Smokehouse Blues Bar; and Jake, who’s young, but can play better than most twice his age.

    We reckoned the vicar just didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

    Until we discovered the vicar’s own ‘pipe organ’ was also getting the Mavis treatment in the vestry before every service!

    CHARLIE

    When I went to South Africa to shop for my organ, I brought Bessie with me. I trusted her enough to help me pick out the organ I would have the rest of my life.

    She was not a stuffy, snooty type. She would pick one out that was simple, not ornate in any way, and she would tend to pick something that was practical and easy to maintain.

    We arrived at the showroom and the director took us into the private display salon.

    There were about a dozen on display. A couple of them had mirrors reflecting several views.

    #2

    If you have an aging organ, you have several options: 1) rebuild the existing organ; 2) replace the organ with a suitable electronic substitute; 3) purchase an entirely new organ; or 4) make do with a compromised tool.

    Trading in an existing organ for an electronic substitute can be much like tossing out an heirloom gold watch bequeathed by your grandfather and replacing it with a Walmart 6 dollar watch. Most organs, even those neglected and in greatest need of repair, have parts of considerable value to someone.

    The pipes, casework, console shell, and many other components never wear out.

    LIZZIE

    When we arrived for dinner at the neighbors, a man was playing a song on an old pipe organ. One of the notes was off-key, but he played on. When the host invited us to go outside, I was happy to escape that torture. The problems started when she explained that they needed meat and that they took some of his organs . I was shocked, and was about to ask how he could even play when I felt a sharp blow to the back of my neck. Officer, do you think this scar is what I suspect it is?

    SERENDIPITY

    I’m all in favour of organ donation, but I do think that it’s a shame so many die because the demand for organs so frequently outstrips the supply.

    So I thought I should do my bit to solve the problem. I’ve been working on growing human tissues in the lab, with some very encouraging successes to date, I’ve even managed to create a functioning human kidney!

    You see, I’m not all bad.

    I bet you thought this was going to be a story about harvesting organs from unwilling victims, didn’t you?

    That’s just a hobby I pursue on the side!

    TOM

    Even Educated Fleas Do-s It

    Birds got this organ that lets them know exactly where there are in space. You’ve seen Humming Birds target a space that was once a red feeder and hoover there in surprise. Well modern science has discovered a logic organ in male humans. It seems a matrix of Y-chromosomes somewhere north of Mr. Happy and bit south of the hippocampus is responsible for mid-level discord processes. Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have dubbed this new structure the Y-organ. The triggering mechanism is the sound of the female voice. The response is a long string of the word: WHY WHY WHY.

    JON

    Bach’s Royal Instrument

    By

    Jon DeCles

    The organ is the biggest, most powerful instrument ever built. Pipes from teeny tiny to pipes 28 feet long. In San Francisco there is an art gallery that is one gigantic organ, the pipes inside the walls. Churches tremble as if in earthquake when the mighty organ sounds its orgasmic chords under fingers and pedals. People who have only heard the organ recorded are like those who have read pornography but never had sex. Properly played, the organ can make you tremble right down to your core.

    That’s the very kind of big-piped, powerful, orgasm-inducing, mind-shattering organ that I want.

    NORVAL JOE

    A dozen students, including Billbert, gathered around Roderick as he put his feet through the holes in the grocery bag and pulled it up.

    “Watch this.” He put his arms out like superman, jumped forward, and belly flopped in the dirt.

    The kids wouldn’t have laughed harder if an organ grinder with a dancing monkey had suddenly appeared.

    Fuming, Roderick got to his feet, tore off the grocery bag, and threw the shreds of plastic on the ground. He walked to Billbert and slugged him in the stomach.

    “I think he ruptured my spleen,” Billbert said, watching Roderick stomp away.

    DANNY

    Jezebel was a musician, who liked to make instruments out of human organs and body parts. There were the Bagpipes made of lungs, piano keys made from bones, piano wire made from hair and muscle, and his favorite, a harmonica made from a larynx. Jezebel would bring his grizzly musical instruments to the town square every Saturday, where the crowd favorite was his portable Organ made solely out of organs. It would make disturbing squishy sounds with every key he hit. “What on earth does that sound like?” most would ask. I don’t know, but it sure does sound expensive.

    PAUL CAMP

    Time For the Game

    “Daddy, why do they call it the Organ Trail?” The game is about to start. I mute the car radio.
    “The Organ Trail?”
    “You know, with the covered wagons.”
    “Oh, sweetheart, you mean the Oregon Trail. Oregon is a place.”
    “No, Daddy! Mrs. Lindholm says it’s the ‘Organ Trail.’
    Who am I to contradict her first grade teacher?
    “It’s because the Indians would cut out everyone’s hearts and livers. You know, their organs.”
    A look in the mirror of horrified silence. We can straighten this out later. I turn up the radio. This is going to be a great game.

    PLANET Z

    People settled Red Creek about two hundred years ago.
    They built houses, a school, and a church.
    More people arrived. And they built more.
    They raised money for a pipe organ for the church.
    Wells Fargo wagons brought the pipes and machinery out to Red Creek.
    But the assembly instructions somehow got lost.
    Instead of waiting for a new copy to arrive, the town blacksmith did his best to put the thing together.
    At the celebration party, the pipe organ exploded, killing everyone in town.
    Wells Fargo paid the newspapers to cover it up and call it a meteor strike

The next weekly challenge topic is PIZZA

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

Every week, I post a topic for the Weekly Challenge, where you come up with the stories and I collect them up and share them.

Want to give it a try? The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is PIZZA:

Write a 100 word story on that topic. Then, send it in an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Do you have a website where people can learn more about you and your writing? Include the URL to that website.

Also, suggest a topic or topics for future Weekly Challenges.

Most importantly, include a recording of your story. Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.

If you hate the sound of your voice or can’t record your story for some reason or another, that’s your problem. Deal with it. I am not recording your story for you.

Everything’s due by Sunday morning when I put the episode together. However, if you’re running late, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

JAN 7 Slack
JAN 14 Involved
JAN 21 Smartypants
JAN 28 PICK TWO
Corner
Tiger
Tie
Please
Encountered
Obsolete
Winter
Webcam

FEB 4 Why not?
FEB 11 If only I had…
FEB 18 Grab a bag…
FEB 25 PICK TWO
Native
Drumroll
Brothers
Web
Pi(e)
Slice
Ticker
Tower
Elephant

MAR 4 Generally
MAR 11 Braided
MAR 18 Water
MAR 25 PICK TWO
Fail
Globe
Sunny
Wee
Shift
Well
Butter
Wilco
Grass

APR 1 Hardly
APR 8 Vibration
APR 15 Weak
APR 22 Camping
APR 29 PICK TWO
Granite
Pertinent
Record
Surely
Tag
Bridge
Proud
Detective
Tarp
Caramel

MAY 6 Fly
MAY 13 Organ
MAY 20 Pizza
MAY 27 PICK TWO
Doc
Grumpy
Happy
Sleepy
Dopey
Bashful
Sneezy

JUNE 3 Tip
JUNE 10 Ratchet
JUNE 17 Wafer
JUNE 24 PICK TWO
Prompt
Screech
Future
Gyrate
Frustration
Majestic
Fired
Packer

JULY 1 Never say…
JULY 8 Stab
JULY 15 Chance
JULY 22 Quill
JULY 29 PICK TWO
Mug
Unfortunate
Global
Grime
Elephant
Splat
Dread

AUG 5 Power
AUG 12 When the lights went out…
AUG 19 Flay
AUG 26 PICK TWO
Mask
Pinprick
Out of sync
Grapes
Rose
Drive
Print
Darling
Terminal

SEP 2 Win
SEP 9 Driver error
SEP 16 Addictive
SEP 23 Chaos
SEP 30 PICK TWO
Minefield
Fountain
Angle
Craft
Sodium
Salute
Engine
Candle
Case

OCT 7 Dug
OCT 14 Mystery
OCT 21 Turtle
OCT 28 PICK TWO
Pagoda
Winner
Rustic
Confusing
Grinding
Patience
Arthur
Crypt

NOV 4 Dispute
NOV 11 Braced
NOV 18 Flower
NOV 25 PICK TWO
Bubbling
Saffron
Lime
Axial
Repetition
Can
Spaceship

DEC 2 Too much
DEC 8 Polar
DEC 16 Belt
DEC 23 Irritation
DEC 30 PICK TWO
Reflect
Pounce
Gymnastics
Obsolete
Engage
Girls
Easier

Bad Ideas

Jonas Salk, the man who developed the Polio vaccine, said that he got his greatest ideas by coming up with a lot of ideas and then throwing out the bad ones.
At first, he’d put the bad ideas in the lab’s wastebasket, but they could crawl back out.
Then, he’d put them in the trash cans in the alley, but raccoons and homeless people got in those.
Nothing worse than getting a call from the police because some bum is pushing a shopping cart around that’s full of your bad ideas.
Best to learn from bad ideas.
And incinerate them.

Memory stick lane

My cat Bruwyn ran away. He never came back.
A neighbor said that he had seen a dead black cat with a checkerboard collar along the side of the road, but didn’t see the MISSING poster until the city had swept up the body.
I find myself looking at old photos of Bruwyn, trying to figure out what we did wrong.
Was there any clue that he was unhappy? Or felt neglected?
Or unwelcome?
No. He looks like a cat. A happy cat.
Despite having a camera’s flash going off every time I photographed him.
He looks like a cat.

Change the sheets

Every day, Colin changes the sheets on the bed.
Some days, he changes them into ghosts. The flaps them around the room, making scary sounds.
Other times, he changes them into sails. He’s sailed all seven of the Seven Seas on his bed that way.
Once, he changed them into Klan robes. He claims that he was going to infiltrate a meeting in order to uncover all the racists and haters in town. But nobody’s buying that cock-and-bull story of his.
Bad, bad Colin.
An angry mob killed Colin.
So, we’re changing the sheets into his burial shroud.
Poor Colin.

Up Is Heaven

Down on Earth, kids are taught that Heaven is up and Hell is down.
But in orbit, even with spin gravity, up and down lose meaning.
You live on the inside of a gigantic spinning barrel.
So, down is out, and up is in.
To help with the confusion, The Brotherhood maintains a presence everywhere.
They watch for signs of rebellion and independence.
And teach the kids about Heaven and Hell.
Kids that resist get put in the airlock.
Until they scream for mercy.
Make sure to open the internal door this time.
We lose too many kids that way.

The Ring Ring

Cindy and Candy.
Perfect twins, and they’re perfect.
They don’t come cheap.
But they’re worth every dollar.
And worth the three month waiting list.
“Candy has the clit ring,” says one girl.
She must be Cindy.
And we begin.
Seven hours later, I can’t remember who is who.
Or anything else.
Everything hurts. It hurts so good.
So good.
I can barely walk to the shower.
Their smell, the stickiness.
The blood.
I watch the drain.
A year from now, some guy murders the twins.
He takes the ring as a souvenir.
The cops never mind him.
Or the ring.

Dying Cat

The toughest thing in the world is a dying cat.
If you take the cat to the vet, you distress the cat.
And most of the time, the vet can’t or won’t do anything.
But if you don’t take the cat to the vet, you are letting the cat suffer.
Whatever you do, you feel guilty.
For doing something. Or not doing something.
And after your cat is dead, you feel stupid for doing what you did.
Or guilty for not doing anything.
A few hundred… or thousand dollars poorer.
And what do people do?
“Would you like a kitten?”