Problem causing

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It’s not easy to teach problem solving skills to kids, but it’s something that they need to learn to get through life.
However, in order for them to solve problems, there need for there to be problems for them to solve.
There’s a problem with that: There are no problems anymore.
Maybe back in the old Twenty-First Century, there were problems, but not now.
However, in case a problem does come up, they need to be able to solve it.
So, we tell them about problems from back then.
And they laugh. Because it’s so absurd.
Try solving that problem.

Fear itself

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If the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, what about the other emotions?
Is the only thing for us to hate is hate itself?
What about love? Is the only thing we have to love is love itself?
What is the point of an emotion is the only thing you use it for is to use it on itself?
I mean, this kind of thing makes sense when you’re talking about magnets. I love watching magnets flip each other. Or drag them around through glass tables.
But fear, hate, and love?
I’ll hate fear, and love it.

April showers

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“April showers bring May flowers, and May flowers bring pilgrims” says the sampler on my wall.
As I look through this telescope into April’s bathroom, yeah, now you know why I named my cock “Mayflower.”
It used to be named “Norman Goldberg.”
I’m not sure why I named it that.
I don’t know anyone named Norman Goldberg, but a long time ago when I was looking at it, the name just jumped into my head.
I’m glad I changed its name. Would have been embarrassing to meet Norman in the street and say “Hey, that’s what I named my cock!”

The Fool

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I trapped the fool in the mirror and threw a sheet over it.
He’s screaming to be let out, but I won’t let him.
Instead, I threw the mirror into the basement and then locked the door.
I thought that I had finally beaten the fool, but he showed up in the bathroom mirror.
Damn him! And I can’t take that mirror off of the wall and throw it into the basement!
I keep finding him in every room, so I ran into a linen closet and slammed the door.
Now, I’m safe. The fool won’t find me in here.

Sealed with a kiss of death

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At first, we thought that Stanley was being attacked by flesh-eating bacteria, but the bacteria turned out to be the mailman.
It seems that the Postal Service is forcibly retiring as many of its older workforce as possible and replacing them with less-expensive cannibals.
“They don’t need a lunch break,” said the Postmaster General, giggling with glee.
Bastard.
Because of the danger, I pay all my bills online now.
Christmas is 8 months away, but I’m already thinking ahead for the Christmas gift season.
Just leave the packages on the doorstep and back away, Chief.
Otherwise, I’m firing my blunderbuss.

The Joker

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I work for a practical joke factory.
I started leading group therapy for depressed whoopie cushions. I’d ask them how they’d feel, they’d say PFFFFFFTTTTP!
I tried my hand in R&D, but after two years of working on an invisible ink formula, I had nothing to show for it.
I moved to the testing lab. I’d rather not talk about when I thought I was working with artificial dog poop and vomit, okay?
Now I’m the biggest joke of all: Human Resources.
Yes, your benefits will be enough to cover any issue that might come up. Trust me on this.

Weekly Challenge #205 – Fire

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s Fire!
VOTING

Which were the best stories this year?
Steven the Nuclear Man
Ross
Keeme
Zachmann
TJ
Norval Joe
Justin
Anima
JRadimus
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Steven the Nuclear Man

They were halfway through the fourth verse of “Kum-by-yah” when the
campfire winked out.
There was no smoke, no coals. Bobby flicked his flashlight on and
moved closer. His hand touched the charred wood.
“It’s cold,” he said, and then his light flicked out. A second later
the other camper’s flashlights went out.
The circle of darkness spread, extinguishing fires and flashlights.
Then cars stopped on the freeway. Jet engines failed. Power plants
stopped running. Combustion of all kinds stopped on planet Earth.
Zeus looked down at Prometheus. “Thank you for returning what you stole.”
The gods ignored humanity’s screams.

Ross

They called him the Human Torch. He was like something out of comic books. Flames crawled all over his flesh, and little yellow and red tongues licked at his hair, but never ignited so much as a single strand.
They remember how he had to sleep on a ceramic bed, and left charred footprints in his wake.
They remember how he kept the local nursing home residents alive when the Blizzard of 2042 knocked out power for three weeks.
But then the CIA discovered he was an arsonist, and guilty of murder. And quietly, surreptitiously, the Human Torch got snuffed.

Keeme

LIARS! They said you would be good for me, you would make me happy and content. At first you made me smile and forget the empty feeling I had. People look at us and desire you, that made me want you even more. As time went by, I knew things had changed between us. Sure, we had our moments, but it would not last, it never lasts. It’s always the same for us, happiness with a price. I knew you were just a cheap thrill but the fire you give my heart is not worth it my dear pepperoni pizza.

Zachmann

Daniel’s parents were traditional and did not think to teach him to cook. One of Daniel’s friend told him how he could make chicken soup when he was at work thinking he had a crock pot. Daniel’s parents where dropping of some furniture for him and saw fire through his window. Daniel’s dad opened the door saw the fire on the stove and turned off the stove then smothered the fire with salt from a Kirkland bag. Daniel was glad he gave his father a key. Daniel wondered if he could wash the extra salt out off chicken with soap.

TJ

You log on to the home page of your newspaper and there’s a Playboy centerfold, complete with copyright logo. Classified ads have been rerouted to the personals in a leather fetish chat site. Display ads all have the same words and logos but now they’re paired with new graphics, mostly lurid closeups of naughty bits from chatroulette.com, and all the stories are copyrighted material from Walt Disney. You find all incoming calls have been routed to the local police department, while all outgoing calls route to a $50-a-minute offshore switchboard. Note to news operations: Do not fire your IT guy.

Norval Joe

“My brother said you have to be able to start a fire with one match,” he said and showed the small red and white tipped sticks to his friend.
They gathered arm loads of dry grass in the empty lot between their houses.
He scratched the match stick across a rock and pushed it under the pyre.
The fire caught instantly and spread out in seconds.
They fled to the safety of his back yard and watched the fire trucks arrive in time to save the neighboring fences.
“It only took one match,” he smiled and said to his friend.

Justin

Gladior crept up the crags and peered over a jagged outcropping. Spying the giant named Maliphous, he took an arrow, knocking it. He watched as the giant ate glop from a huge bowl. Whispering the magic word, the arrowhead burst with blue flame. Gladior waited until Maliphous turned away then he stood, loosing the arrow. The bowl dropped and Maliphous clutched his stomach. The brown glop spilled down the mountianside. Doubling over, a gargantuan burst of flatulence emitted from his hindquarters, blasted the arrow off course and ignited. Dancing and swatting at his behind he screamed “Fire in the hole!”

Anima

‘m driving in my car, I turn on the radio…
I’m pulling you close, you just say no…
You say you don’t like it, but babe, you’re a liar,,
Coz when we kiss –
“Don’t quit your day job just yet….Hey – you wanna know what burns my butt?”
“This another bad pun, Hector?”
“You’re not interested? I thought the counselor said we needed to work on communication.
Go on, you know you wanna ask…”
“Alright already, what burns your butt?”
“A fire about that high”
Ok, Hector, do YOU know what chaps my lips…”

JRadimus

When I first learned about French Cuisine, I didn’t like it. I heard things like sauté, croissant, soufflé, quiche, and coq au vain. It all seemed a bit weak and frou-frou to me. Food was described with words like ‘flaky’ and ‘buttery’, ‘light’ and ‘delicate’. Where were words like ‘robust’, and ‘hearty’? When I eat, I want food that’s substantial, not “ethereal”. Then, I learned about crème brulee. I was skeptical, at first. It didn’t sound any tougher than the pastries. But then, I learned that it’s made with a blow torch! Anything cooked with fire is fine by me.

Planet Z

Alchemists believed that there were four basic fundamental elements: Fire, Water, Earth, and Air.
Everything in existence was made of some combination of those four basic elements.
Then came Wally. Wally the Alchemist.
He went from town to town, trying to sell bottles with a concoction he claimed was a fifth fundamental element.
Even though it was just mud he mixed up down by the riverbank, people bought it by the wagonload.
At first, they tried to drink it. Then, they smeared it on their bodies.
Finally, they pelted Wally with the bottles.
“The fifth element is pain,” Wally groaned.

What do Mummies eat?

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What do Mummies eat?
Just because their guts have been dumped into canopic jars and their brains hooked out through their noses, it doesn’t mean they don’t eat.
According these pictures on the wall, mummies eat flightless birds.
Dodos, awks, and penguins are a delicacy on the buffet to the bandaged.
This explains why awks and dodos are extinct. Completely wiped out by mummies.
As for penguins, well, the mummies ate them all except for the furthest reaches of Patagonia and the Southern Pole.
Mummies don’t do so well in cold weather, even when smothered with globs of Icy Hot.

The Bull

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Most Vikings carry an axe or a sword, but I know one who likes to bend down and charge his opponents like a bull, using the horns on his helmet as weapons.
They call him “The Bull”, oddly enough.
After years of charging and bashing into things, his face looks like a mashed up wad of yak guts, so when his longboat lost its dragon figurehead on the prow, he told his crew to lash him up there.
Not only does he look horribly menacing, but I think it’s the best washing the stinky old barbarian has had in decades.

Gold sinks

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Remember: Gold sinks and shit floats.
This bit of information will be most helpful when you swallow some gold and wait for it to pass.
My favorite prank is to tell people that I hid some gold bits in their dinner.
For the next few days, they’re all combing through their turds looking for it.
When they accuse me of pulling a prank on them, I say they must have missed the gold bits somehow.
Now, when they all come over for dinner, they pick through their dinner carefully and take tiny bites.
Just in case I do it again.