Half Of What


Master Kwan sat in front of the student, poured the pitcher into his glass, and stopped.
“Is the glass half-empty or half-full, Stinkbug?” asked the teacher.
The student scratched his recently-shaved scalp. “It is full, Master,” he said.
“With what?” asked the teacher.
“It is half-full with water,” said the student. “And half full of air. Half plus half is whole.”
“Drink,” commanded the teacher. “Fill the glass with air.”
The student drank. “Delicious,” he said, smiling.
“It is not water, Stinkbug,” said the teacher. “It is poison.”
“Then it is a delicious poison,” said the student, and he died.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 00


You may have heard somewhere that Abe was born in a log cabin
A competing theory says that Abe was born on a distant planet and was shot here in a rocketship by his loving parents, wishing he’d escape the cataclysm that faced their homeworld.
Our yellow sun’s rays made him powerful, invulnerable, and even gave him the ability to fly.
So, how did John Wilkes Booth shoot Lincoln then?
Why, a Kryptonite bullet, silly.
Of course, rival theories such as these are utterly and totally full of crap, but I like telling the “sewn-together corpses” one to my kids.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 41


War-weary Abraham Lincoln may have proclaimed the last Thursday as Thanksgiving, but he also dictated the special meal to be served to those observing it…
“Tree bark, sour grass, and whatever bugs you can catch!” yelled Abe. “All washed down with muddy, algae-encrusted water!”
Eventually, Abe came to grips with his modest log-cabin upbringing and settled on turkey with all the trimmings.
“But don’t forget the vomit buckets!” screamed Abe. “They’re the second-most essential part, right next to dressing a common streetwalker like an Indian and beating her to death with a fireiron!”
Once again, another regrettable Lincoln childhood memory.

Breakfast of Martyrs


Abdul leaned over the cereal bowl and scowled. “What gives?” he asked.
“Notice how the cereal is shaped like shredded Zionist body parts,” said Mohammed. “And the milk turns red.”
“Nice touch,” said Abdul. “What else?”
“Seventy-two raisins in every bowl!” beamed Abdul. “Just as Allah promised!”
“I thought we got virgins,” said Abdul.
“It’s a mistranslation,” said Mohammed. “It’s really raisins.”
“Fine,” said Abdul. “So, we call them Yasser-O’s?”
“They’re flakes, not circles,” said Mohammed. “Resistance Flakes: A legitimate resistance to hunger for… um… freedom? Independence? Sovereignty?”
“Whatever,” said Abdul. “Add a grenade as a prize and we’re ready.”

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 40


Lincoln shuffled his notes. After all his years on the road, he could smell trouble.
Independence Hall reeked of it.
“I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence,” shouted Lincoln to the crowd. “But now that I’m President, let’s just forget that whole rebellion against tyrants thing, okay?”
When he got back to Washington, Lincoln commissioned a throne made from human skulls.
“Make sure it matches the drapes,” he told the decorator. “Or your skull will join the others.”
Impressive, it was. But not good for the spine.

Skin Deep


Good. You’re awake.
I’d like to explain why you’re laid up in the infirmary, Captain.
Ensign Smith is from Far Colony through a rehab assignment. Among other practices, Far Colony’s customs include the pictographic branding of all criminal acts.
Pointing to his mother’s image and saying “Is that what’s waiting for you back home” is a two-fold insult: reminding him of her murder and suggesting lewd acts with his mother.
Well, three-fold if you consider necrophilia, which they actually still consider a serious no-no.
Well, you can still hold the pen in your mouth to sign the transfer order.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 39


Abe’s favorite hobby was breeding racing flies. He worked hard at breeding different bloodlines for sprinting and long distance races.
Every now and then, he’d breed up a super-fly, capable of competing in both the sprints and the marathons.
The fact that he raised them from maggots deep in the flesh of his calves seriously hampered his chances at public office. So, in the end, he gave up his one true love for politics, as many ambitious men do.
Still during the worst battles of the war, Abe secretly snuck out to indulge in his favorite pastime with enemy corpses.