Weekly Challenge #247 – Are we there yet?

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Forty-Seven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was Are we there yet?

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.


Steven

Fifty years since we left Earth in our hollowed-out asteroids, so I’m
sixty-seven. Thanks to hibernation, I only feel fifteen. They let me
man the controls – I’m mature for my age. It makes the month rotation
with my sister go by faster. I could do this for years and years and
not feel anxious about getting to another star.

Amy calls over the comm, quick and panicky. She doesn’t answer when I
call back.

I hear a noise – one I’ve not heard since we left Earth.

A zombie moan.

Now I can’t get off this ship fast enough.

Tom

Burroughs’ bark banged against the waters of hell. “Actually it is the waters between hell and the other side,” interjected the Podcaster. “Are we there yet,” inquired St Peter rubbing his hand over a small pile of burning copies of the Naked Lunch. “I think we’re close I see a less darker dark over there.” Said the Podcaster pointing to a thin line on the horizon. Suddenly wave upon wave of hands rose around the bark tossing rainbows into the boat. “What hell are those,” yelled Burroughs. “AOL CDs,” replied the Podcaster. Make for the shore before the subscriptions activate.

Michael

“Oasis Pub, how can I help you?”, Joe said.

“Hi, I’m Ilene Dover. Harvey there yet? My husband Harvey said he’d be there tonight.”

Ilene Dover, Joe thought. That’s one helluva handle.

“I’ll tell him you called Ilene,” Joe said, hanging up the phone.

He turned to Harvey at the far end of the bar.

“Call home Harvey, Ilene Dover is looking for you,” Joe said, unable to suppress his laughter.

“It could have been worse,” Harvey replied, “ I could have married her brother Ben.”

These people are sick, Joe thought, wiping away the spilled beer from the bar.

Zackmann

TJ was happy with his life’s work as spaceship navigator because space is even emptier than
North Dakota. TJ could tell it would be a long trip when he scolded his future replacement and
very young son, saying “Our new home, The Primogeniture, is a multi-generational spaceship.
We will travel for almost half a Millennium to our new planet. You, your children, your grand
children, and your great grand children are likely to have died of old age before even getting
close to our destination.
So for God’s sake, please stop asking me if we are there yet.”

TerrazaByte

The year was 1903 and time for the annual Father/Daughter hiking trip through the Rein Mountains.

Lieserl and her Father were preparing the backpacks while her mother, Mileva, packed a special lunch for them to enjoy.

“Thank you Mama” she said, as she hugged her good bye.

She then took the hand of her father and they began to walk side by side down the trail.

After what seemed to be hours that passed by, Lieserl asked her Father, “Are we there yet?”

Albert looked at her with a puzzled look and said, “My dear, we are ALWAYS there.”

AM Earley

“One more mile to the mall,” declared my daughter. She is so smart, and such a worry-wart. I can’t tell her anything that will upset her or she will run to her room crying. I hope she grows out of it before she finishes forth grade. Fortunately I found a nice children’s dentistry near the mall. All I have to do now is take the right fork in the road, not the . . . .

“Mommy, the mall’s in the left lane.”

“We’re going afterwards.”

“After. After? After wh . . . ?”

I told you she was smart.

“No, no, noooooooooo.”

And a worry-wart.

Danny

Are we there yet? Have we solved our nation’s problems, have we moved beyond the hate and polarization that rules our current political climate? Are we ever going to see the day when we stop shooting each other because our political ideals differ from one another? Are we ever going to start moving forward in a productive way, creating new things, exploring new frontiers? Are we there yet? Reality check, the voices of hate are too strong, Glen Beck, Sarah Palin, Bill O’Reily, Fox News! Truth be told, this from a man of bad taste, were never going to get there.

TJ

The light flashed. Again. “Check engine.” I did. I hit a rock on the
road and there’s an open coolant leak under my radiator. As long as
I’m moving forward the fan is sucking cold air into the engine, but
the holiday traffic slows as I approach the service center and the
lights are against me. Another red light. I shut the engine off and
wait. It turns, and my car struggles to start again. Oh G-d. Will I make
it? Will I get stuck in traffic? Steam curls ominously from under the
hood as the light goes red again.

Norval Joe

Leanna wiped the sweat from her forehead, pushed a stray lock of hair back up into her bonnet and leaned on her older sister Elitha who tried to push her away.
“Dad,” she whined. “It’s hot. My feet hurt. I’m sweating and tired. Are we there yet?”
George Donner removed his hat and ran his fingers through his hair as he surveyed the low rolling hills of the countryside.
“Well,” he said, “we just left Independence, Missouri this morning, so we still have about 2000 miles to Sutter’s fort. Just keep walking and we’ll be in California in no time.”

Planet Z

One hour to opening.

Time to inspect “World Of The Future.”

I activate the systems, and step onto the moving sidewalk.

The Andersons’ car drives up.

“Are we there yet?” asks Jimmy Anderson. “Are we in The Future yet?

“No, Jimmy,” I say with Dad Anderson. “We aren’t.”

The corporate sponsor’s gadgets line both sides of the walkway.

The Andersons’ spaceship rockets up.

“Are we there yet?” asks Jimmy Anderson. “Are we in The Future yet?

“No, Jimmy,” I say, ignoring Dad Anderson. “But there’s plenty of crap to sell until then.”

“Future’s ready,” I say over the radio, yawning.

I baked you a cake

Today would have been your birthday.
I baked you a cake.
When I got to the cemetery, I wandered around until I remembered:
You were cremated and your ashes spread over your favorite park.
I get so forgetful these days.
So, I walked to the park with the cake.
Groundskeepers were there, clearing brush and raking leaves.
I tried to share the cake with them, but they didn’t speak English.
That’s when I saw the woodchipper.
I turned the exhaust spout into the air, threw the cake into the blades, and the sky filled with white.
Coconut. It’s your favorite.

Pay The Price

I was losing my hearing, but I couldn’t afford the surgery to repair it.
So, I got financial assistance from a corporation.
Now, I can hear again, but I also hear advertising.
When I walk by a restaurant, their ad plays in my ear.
“Michael, you deserve a break today,” says the voice, calling me out by name.
I want the ads to stop, but my doctor says the cost of ad-free implants is not covered by my plan.
And under his Doctors Union contract, he can’t remove them.
So that’s why I’m here with the mirrors and the drill.
Sitting very still.

Mission Control, we have a problem

I deployed the spacepod, set the distress beacon to max, broke the survival manual seal. I put the data crystal into my ipod and Lolita appeared.

“We at MaxCorp have compiled a list of the three most important procedures to ensure you maintain mental stability in the event of lengthy rescue extraction.”

One engages in fanciful verbal dialects while talking to yourself.

“OK ME MATES it be a pirate’s life for me.”

Two positive affirmations.

“I will survive. I will to survive. Survive I will.

Third make music.

I whip out the old mouth harp and do some Mahler

The Captain

My title is Captain Of The Guard.
However, as I look at this week’s schedule, it’s meaningless.
Jacques and Fergusen are in training. They need to work on marching.
Oswaldo’s attending the Guard Convention, checking out new halberds.
Benoit called in sick, but he’s faking it. Didn’t schedule time off again. King doesn’t like rollover days.
Everyone’s out… except for me.
Not to worry: The same end-of-the-year staffing issues are affecting our enemy, too.
A lone attacker appears, yelling CHARGE!
I laugh, inviting him to sit down.
We shake hands, he sits. Invasion averted.
(This is why I am Captain.)

The Clown Bitches Need Oral

My life is a three ring circus.
A swarm of clowns flows from ring to ring, leering at the audience and pumping their hips in crude, suggestive ways.
Thrust thrust in your face, don’t look away, that just makes them laugh more.
The clown bitches don’t want your applause, they just need oral.
Drop your popcorn.
Drop your soda.
Drop to your knees.
The band is getting louder and you can’t hear yourself think.
Reach for the clown cock… pull it out… unwinding longer… and longer…
Tied-together handkerchiefs… then their dirty underwear.
All over your face.
(You can cry now.)

The Conspiracy

We recruited quietly.
Terminal cancer patients.
The mentally retarded.
The homeless.
The hopeless.
Each received two packages: maps showing their target, and a bomb to deliver to that target.
We wanted to coordinate attacks, but some of these people couldn’t wait… time was running out, and we had to collect some maps and bombs.
It was only a matter of time before we’d get caught.
So, we set them loose, and the impact was devastating.
Every soft target was hit. Corrupt politicians, greedy bankers, crooked parasites all obliterated.
Society panicked.
Then, when the smoke cleared, we waited.
Hoping for change.

Pardon

The President watched the news in horror as the plane hit the Empire State Building over and over and over…
His National Security Advisor tried to brief him as he walked to the Press Room, but there wasn’t much known yet, other than the fact that a plane had hit the famous skyscraper.
As he stood there, fielding questions without answers, the identity of the hijacker was released:
It was a turkey.
A reporter stood up. “Didn’t you pardon that turkey this past Thanksgiving?”
The President then recognized the bird and winced.
“I guess he got cooked in the end.”

Weekly Challenge #246 – Fake

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Forty-Six, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was Fake

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.


Vince/Fricker

It was mid-summer.

I was sitting on an old wooden dock suspended over a smooth surface of a high mountain lake.
I tilted my head back and let the sun pour its warm caress of heat over my face.

My feet swayed at the water’s surface in beat with my peaceful heart.
The waters chill and the Suns velvet glove of warmth brought comfort to me like no other day in memory.

Beep beep beep…

Nap-time was over and therefore my dream. Another foot of snow had fallen.
Gone was the fake fishing pole, replaced by a real snow shovel.

Tom

When I was small I had an undifferentiated view of the world. Everything had an ample amount of gravitas. Even things close to the edge like stuff toys fit nicely into my own private verisimilitude. All that changed on my 5th birthday the day Easter fell on April the sixth. He suddenly appeared in the corner store window. 12 inches resplendently attired in an embossed bunny waistcoat. He was most assembled chocolate I had ever seen, which should have been a warning. When I unwrapped Him I choose the ear as the best place to begin.

TK

Another day, another dollar. Sai yawned, his feet hit the floor, and it was off to the wardrobe. Nobody knew, naturally. A human with cat features would be tolerated as well as Bigfoot in this world. The tail tucked into his jeans easily enough, with some tailoring. He’s well known as “that guy with a fedora”, so hiding his ears was cake. A stop by the washroom for a pair of contacts and a shave (making sure to keep those pesky whiskers trimmed flat against his face), and the facade was complete. Nobody could possibly know he was a Neko.

Cherie

In the end he said, “It’s not real.” To which I replied, “What? Not real? Do you know how much I paid for this?!”  “Shame,.” he muttered, “Some folks just don’t have an eye for it.”
Shuffling out of the shop I felt the slow drip of anger trickle down my back. “How can it not be real?” I asked myself, ” I was so careful. I did my research. I asked all the right questions!”
Looking down at the small unicorn stationed at my side, I sighed, ruffled its mane and said, “It’s okay, buddy, you’re real enough for me.”

Jeff

I opened my eyes slowly. It was dark, but not so dark that you couldn’t see anything, just dark enough that you couldn’t see anything well. I looked around, slowly, trying to figure out the situation. To the left and right of my position it was dark as well, but there was a faint noise, water trickling somewhere, and dripping into a large pool. I looked up, and saw a circle of light. I heard a screeching, scraping sound as steel screamed against steel and the circle became a crescent and then a thud as the manhole cover was replaced.

Steven

See Sally. Sally likes Bobby. Sally has regular-sized breasts.

See Bobby. Bobby likes Sally. Bobby has inherited male pattern baldness.

Sally and Bobby date. Later, they get married. They care about each other.

See Sally look at the media. See Sally get envious of photoshopped
silicone breasts.

See Bobby look at the media. See Bobby get envious of men with full
heads of hair.

See Sally get new breasts. See Bobby get new hair. They are fake.

See Sally and Bobby hug.

While they hug, they don’t meet each other’s eyes.

More than hair and breasts is fake here.

Zackmann

When I was young my grand aunt took a trip and asked me to water the plants in her apartment.
Wanting to please my beloved aunt, I went to her place every day she was absent, then filled
the watering can and got to work. I watered her Diefenbachia, Spider plants, Creeping Charlie,
and every other plant I could find.Upon her return with a smile my aunt thanked and told me
that I did a very thorough job but if she ever needed me to do it again there will really be no
need to water the artificial plants.

AM Earley

The nightclub bouncer sighed, “Your driver’s license, your hair color, color contacts, fur coat, costume jewelry, breast implants, leather purse, and are those dentures? Everything about you right now is fake. Give me one reason I should let you inside.”

“I taught you in the forth grade. That was before my husband dumped me for a younger woman. He then came back to me when she stole all his money. Now it is my turn.”

The bouncer took a deeper look until he finally found the real woman he had last seen twenty years before.

“Enjoy yourself.”

Michael

Holding them in his hands he felt their smoothness, their roundness, their perfection.

So perfect, he felt certain they must be fake.

“These cannot be real,” he told himself rolling one across his fingers noticing that it was clearly larger.

She stared at him awaiting his response, his next move.

He backed away from her sensing he had gone beyond their allotted time.

“I’m sorry madam. Thank you for your time. I simply don’t know enough about pearls to distinguish the real from the fakes.”

She sighed, looking beyond him for the next customer to approach the counter.

TJ

In the past, bank robbers wore fake beards. These days we wear fake
boobs. Even without disabling the cameras it’s so hard to focus on our
faces. We got the idea from a stripper at Angels. I didn’t realize til
halfway through her set she was my sister. I asked her if those things
were real, and she said, “They ain’t figments of your
imagination.” I asked if they were hers and she said she sure paid
enough for them. As family reunions go it was pretty awkward, and two or
three sets later I stormed right out of there.

Danny

Big shiny BMW, fresh spanking new, just driven off the lot. Have all of this bonus money to spend, what should I buy next, a large house in an affluent neighborhood? Nah, I already have 12 of those. I want something that screams out “Success!” I want to be looked up to, after all, I am an upstanding citizen. I know, extended vacation on an exclusive island in the Bahamas. When vacation’s over, time to go back to work and deny loans to small business and homeowners who need it. Greed only works for those who are not victimized by it.

Norval Joe

“This girl is a fake,” the detective said as he took the pipe from his mouth and cradled it in his hand. He circled the peasant girl. Her long blonde curls reached nearly to her waist.
“But Mr. Holmes,” the rotund, balding man said, “the shoe fits. She’s wearing it now.”
“It’s elementary, my Dear Watson; Hyper-hydrosis.”
“The real mystery girl from the ball is one of these ugly step-sisters, her feet now swollen from dancing all night in uncomfortable shoes.”
“This charlatan’s excessively sweaty feet facilitated her fraud by allowing her to don the other girl’s ill-fitting glass slipper.”

Planet Z

It was the fourth quarter, and the Eagles were down by two, facing fourth and inches.

Forty yards out, the clock running down.

Yeah, everybody knew they were going to fake the punt.

Except the punter, apparently. When the ball was snapped and he punted the ball, everybody just stared at him.

Including the returner. Instead of catching the ball and running with it or calling for a fair catch, it bounced off his hands.

Nobody moved.

Except for the punter, who ran to grab the ball and scored a touchdown.

The officials didn’t blow the whistle for another minute.

Robot Replacements

The owner of the factory looked at the productivity reports and sighed.
His workers were shiftless and lazy, so he decided to replace them with robots.
The robots tried to get the work done, but their output still wasn’t what he’d hoped for.
Then, the idea struck him: What if the robots were shiftless and lazy?
He had them reprogrammed and started the factory back up.
The robots turned out to be even more efficient than humans at shirking their duties. One robot could shirk the duties of ten men.
He gave up on the factory business, building politicians instead.