When I think that things suck at work, I remind myself that I’m not at work.
I’m working from home.
Not working somewhere that I have to deal with people. Lots of people.
Too stupid to stay inside people. Too stupid to wear masks and gloves people.
And, unlike many others, I actually do have a job.
I can get groceries delivered if I want.
I don’t drink alcohol or eat red meat, so canned plant-based foods with protein shakes works for me.
I like being alone.
So, yeah, work is still work.
But it could be worse, you know.
Wheel inside the wheel
Don’t give in.
Be the wheel.
Be the wheel inside the wheel.
Wheels inside of wheels.
Inside of other wheels.
Turning, always turning.
Never stop, never stop turning.
With all the other wheels.
What good are wheels without axles?
What good are axles without wheels?
What good are wheels and axles without grease?
What good are they all together?
They keep things moving.
The wheel. The axle. The grease.
Be all three together.
Moving. Always moving.
Where are you moving?
Does it matter, as long as you keep moving.
With all the other wheels inside of wheels, turning, always turning.
Weekly Challenge #810 – Since records began…
LIZZIE
When it all started, no one expected to understand. They waited. Some waited patiently, others complained. After a while, it was clear that since records began, time had been bent to the limit. What was happening? When? It seemed the safety net everyone knew – seconds, minutes, hours, days – had disappeared. Town clocks were removed. A law was issued. No watches.. What had happened would happen again, multiple times. Everyone got poorer and had to live in shanty towns. But he smiled. The colorful row of light bulbs crossing his street gave him solace…. And he decided not to wait anymore.
RICHARD
Since records beganā¦
I’ve been recording these records since records began.
Before me, there were no records at all. So nobody ever used the phrase ‘since records began’, because they hadn’t.
Instead, our only frame of reference was what we could recall, so we’d say ‘as far back as I remember’, which wasn’t much use really, because everybody always disagreed, and some people’s memories were much better than others.
And, if no-one could remember, it probably never happened.
Even if it did.
But thankfully, that’s all changed now that we have records.
If only I could remember where I put the blasted things!
TURA
Since records began
———
It was a slow day in the newsroom, so I asked the weather guy if he had anything interesting.
āDo you realise this is the hottest day since records began?ā he said excitedly.
It didnāt seem unusually warm to me, but I shrugged and asked, āAnything else?ā
āPlenty!ā he replied. āItās also the rainiest day since records began.ā
I looked out of the window at the rain shower. There were hardly even puddles in the road yet.
āAnd the rainās broken the worst drought since records began!ā he continued.
āHang on,ā I said. āWhen did records begin?ā
āEr… last Tuesday.ā
SERENDIPIDY
“Trevor, seen the news? It says global warming is at its worst since records began.”
Trevor swallowed the last of his sandwich and frownedā¦ How could he still be so hungry? “That’s great, Pete was saying to me yesterday that he expects the next wave of Covid is going to be devastating.”
Will stopped cleaning his favourite pistol and chimed in, “let’s not forget the Russians and North Koreans: They’re just spoiling for a fight!”
“I suppose I should think about grooming the horses then?” Replied Debbie, “after all, people will expect us to look our best for the apocalypse!”
TOM
What Could Go Possible Wrong 010
āAnd here to us,ā slurred Ford. Failing to heed the words on the old parchment he and his mates were deeply surround by empty pint glasses. Since records began at the Arm no one had polished off as many pints as Ford. Where was the Don he wondered and to this he added a pint to that waiting. Still holding the weathered parchment, the underclassman lazily turned over the yellowed object in his hand. Through a blurry hazy he made out a single word. DUCK. Funny he thought dropping his head to the table. BANG. The bullet removed his hat.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert took Sabrina by the arm to steady her. At first she glared at him, but her expression soon softened. As soon as she was still, and had caught her breath, Billbert said, “You’re right. I don’t know you. I have special powers. I can fly, and anyone holding my hand can fly with me. Now. Why don’t you tell me about what you can do.”
Sabrina took two quarters from her purse, walked to the soda machine, and dropped them in the slot. She drank the soda quickly, and said, “Since records began, my family has kept a secret.”
JARED
Those Arenāt Witches
āWeāre not doing Vegas,ā Whitney insisted. āAs Maid of Honor, I will not allow you to be a clichĆ©.ā
āOK, Whit,ā Natalie replied, rolling her eyes. āWhateverā¦ā
Two weeks later, Whitney, Nora, and Olive ākidnappedā Natalie for a āWild Witchesā Weekendā in Salem, MA.
Whitney declared she had found an āauthentic Salem Witch experience.ā Their initial excitement gradually morphed into subdued terror in proportion to the time spent following their guides deeper into the woods.
They finally entered a clearing in the middle of an unearthly ceremony:
āā¦since records began, the Great Old Ones have slumbered, waiting to be summoned.ā ā¦ ā¦ ā¦
PLANET Z
As I entered the house and stepped into the hallway of doors, the door slammed shut behind me.
And the doors in the hallway flew open.
Ghosts floated in through the doors, filling the hallway.
I took out my notepad and pen.
“Can you stand in single file, please?” I said.
The ghosts nodded and floated into position.
I counted off the ghosts, and made notes on their appearance.
“Thank you,” I said, closing the notepad.
The ghosts floated back through the doorways, and slammed the doors shut.
I left, and walked to the next house on the abandoned street.
Igor and the switches
Doctor Frankenstein told Igor to throw the switch.
Igor was good at throwing the switch.
As a child, he practiced throwing the switch all day and all night.
Got merit badges in throwing the switch when he was a scout.
He majored in throwing the switch back in college.
And apprenticed in a switch manufacturing factory as a tester to get practical experience.
Just for the moment when he’d be asked to throw it.
“I DON’T NEED YOUR WHOLE DAMN BIOGRAPHY, IGOR!” yelled Frankenstein. “THROW THE SWITCH!”
Igor said “Yes, Master!” and pressed the button that had replaced the switch.
Any silver will do
They say that you can only kill a werewolf with a silver bullet.
But any silver will do.
Parson Reginald used a silver mirror like a knife.
He also used a silver knife.
Maxwell used a silver hammer to bash in their brains.
Perhaps you’ve heard the song?
Silver arrow heads, silver cigarette stems, silver serving platters.
They all work.
We’ve tested it all, here at the lab.
We obtain werewolves, and we kill them with all kinds of silver things.
Why do our guards carry guns with silver bullets?
They’re easier to use than all that over weird crap.
The perfect costume
Bob came up with the best costume for Halloween.
“This is going to be hard to make,” said his mother.
“I’m going to make it myself,” said Bob.
He studied all kinds of books on fashion and design.
And he watched a bunch of tutorials on Lynda’s website, free through his library card.
But Trick or Treat was cancelled that year because of the pandemic.
Still, he was able to get his mother to take photos and he posted them on TikTok and all the social media, and he texted them to his friends.
They texted back photos of candy.
Sickbed
If you’re feeling sick, don’t go to bed.
Sure, when you’re sick, the bed you’re in is a sickbed.
Are you sure it’s a sick bed?
It could be a deathbed.
And that’s where you’ll die.
Yes, you’ve been sleeping in that bed for years.
Not knowing that it’s actually a deathbed.
What about a daybed? Can a daybed be a sickbed or a deathbed?
Yes. Yes it can.
You won’t see it on the label, though.
And there’s no testing for it.
The only way you’ll find out is if you get sick.
Or, I suppose, if you die.
The bitch of a neighbor
I love to plant flowers and herbs and vegetables.
This house has a big yard. And a bitch of a neighbor.
She rips out the herbs. She thinks they are ugly.
She rips out the rose bushes. She thinks they are too showy.
So, I planted climbing roses, the ones with thorns.
Let her try to pull those out.
And I invited her over for a visit.
Pointed to my garden.
And told her when she dies, I will plant all of this on her grave.
And she’s welcome to reach up from Hell and pull them down with her.
The phone booth of the winds
They call it the phone booth of the winds.
A phone booth set on a cliff in Japan by the ocean.
People come to the phone to call the dead.
They tell the dead not to worry about them, but they should.
They tell the dead that they miss them, and they should.
They tell the dead they will see them again soon, and they will.
And they hang up the phone, cry their tears, and step out of the booth.
Then they run to the cliff and leap over, to lose themselves in the ocean.
The phone never rings.
Serendipidy – Disintegration
I’ve never liked science fiction.
People die far too tidily for my liking. It’s just too sanitised and clean.
Zapped by lasers, vaporised by disintegration rays, or rendered to nothing by molecular disruptorsā¦ All very effective, but the recipients either vanish or simply slump to the floor in a nice tidy pose.
Where’s all the blood and guts? Bubbling body fluids, and gory splatters?
You’d think that in the future we could come up with more interesting ways to kill people?
Force fields that slice and dice, ray guns that splurge you over the spaceship walls?
Just, more gore, please!