Weekly Challenge #48 – Sandwiches

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Welcome to the forty-eighth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Chris from Platypus Society, and it’s Sandwiches.
Eleven stories were submitted this week.
A rookie team joined in… yes!
And, once again, some disturbing madness from Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who was the shizzle in Weekly Challenge #48?
Chris of Platypus Society
Tina and Mark
Tom of Footnote
Caleb of Black Tie Martini Club
Terrence of Never Was
Laieanna of Hodge Podge Point
Tabitha of Strangely Literal
KNine of Dead Dog Walkin
Elisson of blog d’Elisson
Ted of Ted’s Podcast
Patti of Smittygal
To4m of To4m’s Podcast
Manata of Squirrel Bait
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!


The full text of each story:
O’CHRIS

Lucky sat down, a pint of Guinness in one hand, a corned beef sandwich in the other. He kicked his feet up and sighed.
“Another long day,” he said. “Those kids, always after me Lucky Charms.”
He had just put the pint to his lips when the front door kicked open.
A dirty, half-naked man entered, eyes crazy with rage!
He threw Lucky down and started kicking him.
“TWENTY SEVEN YEARS! I FINALLY GOT YOU!”
The man grabbed the coveted box of cereal.
“Cereal’s shit,” the man said, dumping the box on Lucky’s bloodied face. “But I’ll take the sandwich.”

O’MARK and O’TINA

Running late to the game, Dad moved franticly about the kitchen, preparing water-bottles, snacks and the like (all while eating lunch AND holding the baby). Suddenly a stray bit of food went down the wrong pipe. His eyes watered. Clutching the child, he dropped the snacks and clawed at the paper-towel roll, letting out a great sneeze. Convulsing, he raised a handful of towels to his nose and sneezed again.
And then total silence…
Relieved he cleared the tears from his eyes and looked down at the baby. She was covered in little moist wholewheat bits of sandwich.

CALEB O’BULLEN

As the 4th Earl of Sandwich pondered his creation, he smiled. For he knew that despite a lifetime of public service as Secretary of State and Postmaster General this one act, oft-repeated, would carry his name throughout the ages.
Of course he had had help. He couldn’t have done it at all without his lovely Irish cook, Molly or his good friend Robert.
As he helped Molly refasten her dress and Robert snored on the divan where he had finished, the Earl thought to himself, “I wonder if something like this could be done with bread and meat as well?”

MacTERRENCE LEAN

Raoul had not been to a wedding in long time, he just was not the type that you invited. He was shocked when the invitation arrived from his cousin. The ceremony was traditional, but he was fairly sure that in most weddings, when they talked about being in the presence of God, they didn’t mean literally; but there he was, sitting in the second row; on the opposite side from Raoul and his brothers. Thing were going well, until dinner was served. You would think that with the almighty on the invite list they would serve something other than sandwiches.

ERIN GO LAIEANNA

Ralph slathered mayo onto the hoagie, then sprinkled it with shredded lettuce. Tomato slices were placed end to end and from three large jars he gathered ham, turkey, and chicken slices, draping them onto his creation. Swiss and provolone were overlapped onto the meat. Last he topped the sandwich with a secret ingredient. He closed his masterpiece then sliced it into serving sizes for the waiter to pass around the bar.
The manager inspected one closely, “What’s this?”
“It’s called Luck of the Irish Club. The meats were marinated in Guinness and the sandwich is topped with Lucky Charms marshmallows.”

O’TABITHA

Myboyfriend races himself around the apartment. He finds this amusing, especially at 2 AM when I’m trying to sleep. I groan, but keep my eyes closed. “Stupid cat.”
Next he finds a paper bag to scratch on, the feline equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. Since I’m still in bed, he yells until I wake up. I glare at him. He doesn’t blink, staring down at me as if to say, “While you’re up, why don’t you make us some sandwiches?”
Once I’m awake and out of bed, he curls up and falls asleep.

McK-NINE

I still see it happening when I close my eyes. It’s
like one of those old super 8 home movies… You know,
all grainy and the colors don’t seem quite right. I
even seem to hear that rattling, flipping noise of the
old projectors.
I didn’t mean for it to happen that way. I just
wanted to change shirts. I had dripped mustard on
mine, so I swung by my house on the way back to work.
When that closet door popped open instinct took over.
I’d change it if I could.
The bologna sandwiches in prison sure are lousy.

SEAN O’ELISSON

Dougie shambled into the cafeteria and took a seat at the end of the table, far away from his fourth-grade classmates.
Oh, how he envied them. He watched as they opened their sack lunches, digging into their peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches, their salami-on-ryes.
For him, it was an endless parade of sardines on cream cheese, of tuna salad. Weird, fishy sandwiches, the aroma of which clung to him all afternoon. Other kids avoided him, calling him “Fish-Boy.”
It wasn’t easy being the son of the Gorton’s Fisherman.
And the fins growing out of his head and back were no damn help.

TED (NOT KENNEDY)

All my life, I have been on a quest. A search for perfection, that has taken me through numerous countries and continents.
After Years of searching, I have no need to go on. I have found life’s perfection…. Sandwiches..
They will never leave you for another man or woman. They wouldn’t dream of litigation regarding child support. You get what you put into the relationship. They just love you back.
Oh, and sandwiches have integrity. Think about it. Have you ever seen a used sandwich shop? Or a sandwich repair shop?
I rest my case..
Come here, you beautiful Dagwood…

PATTY O’PATTI

I’ve come to recognize many of the homeless people in the city where I live, even privately nicknamed some of them: Talking Tim, Meridian Mary. I begin to worry when I haven’t seen them for awhile.
Take Talking Tim, for instance. I usually see him in the afternoons on my way home from work, but he’d been absent from his usual turf for weeks. I finally spotted him today, walking alone and talking, as usual. But something was different: sandwiched between his right hand and ear was a cell phone.
I’m still wondering if anyone was on the other end.

T O’FOUREM

His body filled the room. All nine Hundred ten pounds. Bob hadn’t
seen the outside of his room for five years. It was sandwich time and
I told him he could get his own if he wanted it. Bob’s eyes got big.
His face was red. Then he arched back and his whole head seemed to
come off. Then a four foot snake like creature came out of his neck,
shot across the room within inches of my nose and bellowed IT’S
SANDWICH TIME NOW! And retreated back into Bob’s body. Always bring
the sandwiches always bring the sandwiches…

AN IRISH VERSION OF MANATA

In 2066, they celebrated their seventieth wedding anniversary. Their “Generation X” marriage had been like very marriage throughout history. Each of them knew how the other took their coffee. Each of them knew the other’s favorite movie, song, and television program. And, like members of countless generations before them, they continued to listen to the music, talk like the movie stars, and act like the celebrities of those from their youth. This is why, on their special day, Jordan said to Courtney, “‘Sup, bitch? I be hungry like mad crazy, yo! Gets ya ass up and makes me a sandwich!”

PLANET O’Z

The Billionaire would look at the social parasites that showed up to his parties and recognize very few of them.
The few he did, they disgusted him.
“You people sicken me,” he muttered.
So, for his next party, he told the caterer to make all the food using human waste.
From the dip to the finger sandwiches, it was all shit.
The champagne? It was yellowish, and marked “previously consumed.”
“How do you like it?” The Billionaire asked.
He enjoyed each moment of horror and how long it took each face to return to its mask of vapid, obsequious delight.


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.
(In case you’re interested, the new theme music is by Guy David)

Calvin and Dinner

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The wonderful thing about tiggers is that they taste delicious.
Ever eaten a tigger? No?
My oh my, if you haven’t eaten a tigger, you just haven’t lived.
It’s been a while since I’ve eaten one. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve seen one.
Have you see any tiggers recently?
No?
I haven’t either.
I keep putting out tigger bait on my tigger traps, but at the end of the day, there’s no tiggers in the tigger traps.
Once, I caught a tiger named Hobbes, but he tasted awful.
I hope I don’t catch any more of those.

Shooter

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Joe’s always cracking jokes.
He can’t even go to the bathroom without making a pun.
His favorite is “I’m going to make a deposit at the Bank of American Standard.”
He also bombs Porcelain Harbor a lot.
I told him I was sick of his puns, so he said he was going to shoot himself.
The bathroom door slammed before I could say anything.
We called the police, they sent negotiators, and to make a long story short, he walks out of the bathroom, flipping through his digital camera’s stored images.
“Chip’s full,” he said. “Can I borrow your printer?”

The Face Of God

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Things were getting loud, hot, and heavy between me and Mary again.
“The absence of visible evidence of God disproves his existence!” shouted Mary.
Philosophy again?
Great.
“Well, I’ve never seen your tits, either,” I shouted back. “But from the curve in your sweater and how they feel in the dark, I can reason they exist.”
Mary put down her books, lifted her sweater, and I saw The Face Of God.
“Hi there,” He said.
Mary pulled her sweater back down, slapped me, and walked away.
You know, now that I think of it, I never did see her tits.

Straps

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When I was young, my family would go to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago.
Back then, there was an exhibit demonstrating bell curve distributions using back balls falling through a maze of pegs and into slotted compartments.
The balls eventually formed the bell curve shape… as if by magic.
“Not magic, you little weirdo,” growled my father. “It’s mathematics.”
I pointed at the lonely ball in the two-sigma slot: “That’s me!”
My parents were shocked, and they recoiled in horror from me.
Why?
Because I’d managed to chew through my straps and my hands were free again.

Boys Will Be Boys

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Usually, the boys come back greasy and burnt from a robot hunt. But this time, they came back bloody.
At first, they said the robot banged them up good. But those cuts ain’t deep enough for that amount of blood.
The story we told the cops was that the robot that tore apart the Jenkins kid. My boys tried to stop it, but they were just too late.
It worked. Another close call for the Boudreaux Clan.
Boys will be boys, though – they want to go hunting again tonight.
I boot up another Snipeco 6000, sigh, and hit Run.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 78

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Abraham Lincoln liked to stop by the War Department to see what machines his scientists were making.
They showed him a massive cannon.
“Is there anything bigger than that?” said Abe.
“We have our limits,” said the scientists. “Only so much destruction can be harnessed before a man loses his humanity.”
“As commander in chief,” he said, “in time of war, I suppose I have a right to take any measure which may best subdue the enemy.
So, they built a bigger cannon.
And fired it.
When Abe opened his eyes, he said “Um, wasn’t it a full moon tonight?”

Weekly Challenge #47 – Glitch

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Welcome to the forty-seventh Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Planet Z, and it’s Glitch.
Eleven stories were submitted this week.
No rookies joined in… boo!
And, once again, some disturbing madness from Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story of Weekly Challenge #47?
Chris of Platypus Society
Tom from Footnote
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Tabitha from Strangely Literal
Manata from Manata’s Podcast
Elisson from blog d’Elisson
Kelly from Come Let Me Whisper
Lisa from Lemons and Lollipops
To4m from Tom’s Podcast
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
Patti from Smittygal
The Deranged Bard From Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!


The full text of each story:
CHRIS

“Send Karen in.”
“Karen, you look smashing today. Have a seat we’ve got to talk.”
“Guess who just called me? Steven Jones! That’s right! He absolutely loved your reading and wants to cast you as the lead in his next film. Aren’t you excited?”
“Didn’t I tell you I’d make you a star? You’re on your way baby! Fame, fortune, limos, red carpets, you’re about to hit the big time!”
“And all you got to do to get there, is blow a goat!”
“So?”
“Steven! It’s Karl. Seems we’ve run into another glitch. Yeah, the goat again. Actresses these days.”

TOM

The metro driver charged up the aisle while flinging open the deFib pack catching both paddles in mid stride. The podcaster lay motionless spread eagle halfway down the exitwell clutching at a triple deep fried burrito. She laid paddles to his chest as the unit beeped fully charged. The shock rolled through his body, but it never released the full charge.
“Damn Glitches” scream the driver.
“Look! He’s smiling,” noted a fellow passenger
“Never saw him smile on this bus before.”
Everyone on the bus shook their heads in agreement.
“This is where I get off ,” thought the podcaster.

CALEB

Looks like there’s a goat in the machine
You mean a ghost in the machine?
Naw, I don’t believe in ghosts, that there’s a goat in the machine
Well, I don’t believe in goats. Not in machines anyway. How did a goat get in the machine?
Hopped the fence
We don’t keep the machine behind a fence
No, but we do keep the goat behind a fence. Tried to anyway.
So, what do we do now?
Entice him out, you got a carrot?
No. I thought that’s what this red cape is for
That’s when the machine’s full of bull.

TABITHA

“Your hair is stupid,” the Buffybot smiled.
“Thank you, you’ve said that.” The man sipped his coffee.
Willow and Spike both rushed into the coffee shop, breathless. “There you bloody are.’
“Spike!” Buffybot said smiling larger. She turned, “Willow. You’re my friend and you’re recently gay. This man is stupid.” The Buffybot said pointing. “He looks like Angel.”
“Bloody hell! Willow, didn’t you fix those damn glitches?”
“You said remove… uh… you know…. never said anything about Angel.”
“Spike’s better than Angel.” The Buffybot continued.
Spike paused. “Maybe you don’t have to remove everything.”

MANATA

Sirens blared through the space station. The astronauts could hardly hear their orders. The defense program on the mainframe was failing. This was a complex glitch and now the whole system was in flux.
There were protocols for this, of course. But who could recall them in a state of panic?
General Hutchins did his best, gesturing and shouting commands.
“You” he shouted, pointing at Sigler, “handle the flux.”
Sigler shrugged, not understanding.
“The flux. You.” Hutchins repeated.
“Flux you too!” replied Sigler.
“No, handle the glitch.”
Sigler blinked.
“You. Glitch.” said Hutchins.
“Me?” Sigler replied. “Well you’re a dick!”

ELISSON

Murphy’s Law states that “if anything can go wrong, it will.”
Murphy was right.
Our project, the Highly Localized Hypergraviton Generator, was way too risky to test on Earth. And so we built Moonbase Alpha.
Came time to start it up, everything worked like a charm. We succeeded in creating a submicroscopic black hole. Weighed as much as a mountain, but smaller than an atom.
Then we dropped it.
Fuckin’ thing zoomed straight to the core of the Moon. It’s there now, eating away. In twenty years, it’ll be “Goodnight, Moon.” Forever.
Son of a bitch: There’s always a glitch.

KELLY

Afterwards, Sandra breathed to calm down. No matter how much planning you do, something will always go wrong. The speech was rehearsed. Bad news is hard to give, but she knew it was harder to hear. She was a grown woman and expected a certain level of maturity from her coworkers. That was Sandra’s mistake, because someone actually threw a coffee mug at her as she delivered the news. This act took her by surprise, but only for a moment. She composed herself, drew a smile to her lips and stated, “Glitches and bitches, working here, you run into both.”

LISA

Every time Thad had a date with a new woman, everything seemed to go wrong.
Tonight he forgot his car keys, locked himself out, and even forgot the girl’s address on a slip of paper at work.
But he finally remembered it, hailed a cab, picked her up, and they managed to have a decent meal together. Could the curse be over?
As they began to get amorous a little later, though, his zipper managed to catch on a large chunk of skin.
Thad then made a painful decision: no more women. The bitches were NOT worth the glitches.

to4m

He down the street wondering if something in the he’d just
eaten. He funny.
Not but weeeeeiiirrd funny. Lights down street changing
colors. And occasionally he’d a buzzing in his ear. By the got to
the radio shack he felt better he thought but inside the store the
suddenly went out. When they came back on no one seemed to notice.
On the, ,, front of him he find any blank DVD’s which was his
reason for the trip to the store. They only floppy discs. Back
home he sat down in his chair normal. I should’ve the blue pill.

Ted

A few days ago, I decided to visit an odd friend. I didn’t want to go alone, so I took my sister.
People who know me know NEVER to leave me alone in their houses. Especially when there is food around.
I recently found I had the ability to change my shape, form and overall appearance. So when my host disappeared, I was playing with my newly found powers, “Oh, this looks good”, I would say, and change again.
Unknowingly, I erected a crappy Temple in his backyard. Boy was my friend pissed!
What can I say? Glitches, glitches, glitches…

PATTI

It’s the writer’s oldest trick in the book: when you can’t write, you write about writer’s block. The glitch this week is the topic. What seething spawn of Satan chose that?
I started with a story about a woman who goes to a PETA convention and is losing an awful battle with her impulses, trying not to yell out things like:
Mink keeps you warmer than wool.
A deer in the headlights is good target practice.
Raw goldfish are good in a salad.
But 100 words to explain what she was doing there in the first place?
I give up.

PLANET Z

Our motto is “Accidents Can Be Caused.”
Sure, anybody can bomb a Uranium processing plant, but where’s the fun in that?
We specialize in lethal subtlety.
To you, it looks like someone slipped and broke their neck in the bathroom, but to us, it’s a year’s planning.
My favorite technique is mistranslation. Just a few words changed every-so-slightly, and Tab A goes into Slot C instead of B.
For you, it would mean Junior’s bicycle falls apart in the driveway Christmas Day.
For Tehran, it means a 1 million degree forecast.
How do you say “Oops!” in Farsi?


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.
(In case you’re interested, the new theme music is by Guy David)

Wake

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Jimmy O’Connor planned this from the get-go. Long before the oncologist said “Tough shit.”
For his wake, he programmed up a hologram of himself.
Sure, other terminally ill hackers had programmed 2D movies and played them at their funerals, but Jimmy was the first to render a fully-operational, interactive ghost.
He was also the first to sync one with bio-implants too.
So, right in the middle of the wake, Jimmy’s ghost points at himself and screams “ZOMBIE!”
The servos kick in. Jimmy’s corpse slowly rises.
POW! I blow Jimmy’s head off with my .45.
That’s how you handle zombies, right?

Running Dry

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Scheherazade was pleased.
She was still alive, after all. One thousand nights ago, she had fully expected to be beheaded come morning, the fate of three thousand women before her. The Shah was not only randy, but paranoid: Ever since his first wife betrayed him, it was a fatal honor to join his hareem.
The stories had kept her alive.
For a thousand nights, she had entertained the Shah with her hundred-word stories. For a thousand days, he had postponed her execution so he could hear the next tale.
Today was their wedding day. Helluva time to get writer’s block.