George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Wherever George went, explosions were sure to follow.
Cannons, muskets, powder kegs, flares…
Once, his hat exploded. Nobody was sure why or how.
The townspeople watched from the docks and cheered and ooohed and aaahed.
They thought it was a fireworks show.
Members of the local symphony came out to the docks and played along.
And then, as a grand finale, a massive series of explosions lit up the docks.
Every ship went up in flames. The crowd cheered.
Well, except for those who owned those ships, of course.
Author: R.
George and the breakfast menu
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never got to restaurants in time for their breakfast menus.
“But my watch says five til eleven,” said George.
“My clock says eleven, sorry,” said the woman at the counter.
George knew that if he made threats, he’d be arrested and end up in a viral video.
George learned to make his own breakfast.
So did lots of people, and the woman at the counter lost her job and ended up as a homeless beggar.
“Sorry, my wallet says ‘fuck you’,” said George, walking by the homeless beggar.
George washes his hands
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He washed his hands a lot, singing “This is the way we wash our hands!” while he washed them.
George thought if he did it early in the morning, the other pirates wouldn’t make fun of him singing.
But his singing woke them up, and they’d mock how he washed his hands, washed his face, brushed his teeth, and brushed his hair.
Right up to the point they died from bad hygiene.
George waved goodbye to their corpses as they were buried at sea.
Early in the morning.
George rebooted
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Disney liked the concept, and bought it for millions.
But after two successful movies, they brought in a director who rebooted the franchise.
Instead of George, they featured Georgette, a black lesbian pirate who was the best at everything pirates do.
Hundreds of millions of dollars went into a Disney Plus series, and even more money was spent on reshoots.
Fans of the original George who criticized the new Georgette were called racists, sexists, bigots, and homophobes.
Despite terrible ratings, a second season was ordered, and it was worse.
Weekly Challenge #912 – Part
LIZZIE
As we part our ways, my dear, I hold precious memories in my heart. We walked along the bridges, watching the gondolas slide by. You were so smitten by the elegant colors that you ate that azalea. I didn’t even have to tell you to. And then the green fairy. What a lovely shade of green, you said. I’ll never forget you, my dear. I’ll take your heart with me. And he opened his suitcase to take a quick look before the train departed. Yes, her heart was still there. Squashing it inside that damn bottle had been a struggle.
RICHARD
Problem solved
“Be part of the problem, not the solution!”
Simmonds, sitting opposite me caught my eye, and it was all I could do to stop myself bursting out laughing.
Old man Jeffries may be a good manager, but lately he’d begun losing the plot.
Simmonds politely raised his hand, “Surely we should be part of the solution?”
Jeffries glared at him, “That’s what I just said! Pay attention! Now, where was I?”
“Solutions?” I prompted, helpfully.
“Yes, precisely! Without solutions. We’d have no problems, and then where would we be?”
Eventually, they fired Jeffries.
The easiest solution to our biggest problem.
SERENDIPIDY
Til death do us part was never going to be good enough for me.
As far as I’m concerned, love never ends: It transcends mortality and human frailty, persisting beyond the grave.
So, when hubby died, there was absolutely no question of burial or cremation; there’s no way I could possibly be parted from his mortal remains. I had him pickled and I keep him in a glass capsule next to my bed.
Sometimes, when I need to feel him close, I decant his body, wrap my arms around him, and make mad, passionate love to him, all night long.
NORVAL JOE
Mr. Withybottom waved toward his Lincoln town car. “Okay, you two. Hop in. Linny you can stay home.”
Linoliumanda scowled as if deciding whether or not to defy her father was hurting her head.
She eventually followed Billbert and Sabrina. “If something is going to happen on this drive, I want to be part of it.”
Her father laughed nervously. “Nothing’s going to happen, honey girl. I just want to encourage these two crazy people to get out of your life. You know. Part ways with you.”
“That’s what I thought might happen,” Linoliumanda said following Billbert into the car.
PLANET Z
Her name was April, she was Miss November, and of course she married the old man for his money.
“Til death do we part.” was a challenge.
Her lover, his lawyer, had the new will written up.
She got a quarter, his two kids got a quarter, and the lawyer got the rest as a fee.
Despite her best efforts, the geezer kept going for eight months.
When the time came for the reading of the will, a stranger handed her and the two kids a shiny new quarter.
And the lawyer (and the rest of the money) were gone.
George summer camp
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
And you know what they say about those who can’t do.
So, he ran a summer pirate camp for kids.
Instead of making arts and crafts, they pillaged and looted.
Paddling their war canoes across the lake to raid other summer camps for their arts and crafts.
At the end of the summer, the kids would collect the ransom payments, pack their treasure, and head back home.
George wouldn’t see them for another year.
Well, except for the kids who signed up for the after-school pirate camp, that is.
George gets played
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Then again, when it came to women, he had a girl in every port.
Sometimes, two or three.
The problem was, after a while, the women got to talking, and they felt like they were getting played by George.
One minute, George was at the bar, drinking a tankard of beer.
The next, he was being dragged out by several of his former girlfriends.
They’d slipped a little something into his beer.
Three hours later, he woke up, hanging from a lamp post.
By what, I dare not mention.
George the Barber
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he gave up being a pirate and became a barber.
He partnered with the tavern next door so that customers could have a drink or two while they waited.
At first, some customers got drunk and rowdy, but they learned to police themselves, and only got a little tipsy before George would say “NEXT!”
He made good business, and the information he gathered from those tipsy customers was priceless.
Her Majesty’s Navy were delighted to listen as they came in for haircuts.
And they tipped George quite handsomely.
George MP
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The Pirate Party of Sweden called George and asked him if he was interested in running for parliament.
“But I’m not Swedish,” said George.
“Nobody is anymore,” said the Pirate Party representative. “Damned immigrants.”
George ran a sloppy campaign, but he more than made up for it at the debates.
He killed two of his opponents, and horribly maimed a third.
Running unopposed and under indictment for murder, George won the ballot easily.
“Now what?” said George, standing in Parliament, surrounded by people in suits babbling in incomprehensible Swedish.
George plays baseball
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he wasn’t pirating, he was playing amateur baseball.
He’d been hoping to be discovered by a scout, but the scouts all knew he was just as bad a baseball player as he was a pirate.
The rare times he managed to get to first base, he’d try to steal second, and get caught.
So, after the game, he’d steal second, third, home, first, the pitcher’s rubber, and pretty much anything that wasn’t nailed down.
He never played professionally. Instead, he umpired.
The bribes he collected were quite generous.