I’ve been having gastro issues for a week or so, and after a runaround by the clinic, I’ve gotten a virtual visit, some bloodwork done, and an ultrasound scheduled to check out my organs.
But in order to have the ultrasound scans, I can’t eat or drink anything after midnight.
What am I, a gremlin? You can’t feed me after midnight or I’ll turn into an evil version of myself?
I guess I can go take a hot shower before the exam… and as the water hits my skin, it begins to bubble and pop out little balls of fur.
Author: R.
Frosty of Prague
The truth is, Frosty the Snowman doesn’t really need that magician’s top hat to come alive.
If you look closely in Frosty’s mouth, you’ll find a holy scroll commanding him to life.
Consecrated by an old rabbi from Warsaw, it wills the snow to follow its master’s commands.
Unlike the Golem of Prague, Frosty does not go out and murder the community’s enemies.
Instead, he plays with children every winter and lives with Santa at the North Pole the rest of the year.
Sometimes, Santa ponders stuffing his Naughty List in Frosty’s mouth.
Sure would beat a lump of coal.
George’s donations
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He gave red Santa caps to all of his shipmates.
“It’s Christmas,” said George. “It’ll help us get into the holiday spirit.”
He also decorated the mast and rigging with strings of colored lights.
You’d think that this would make it hard for the pirates to sneak up on their intended prey.
But other vessels thought that George’s ship was some kind of Goodwill donation vessel.
And instead of plundering and looting, George’s men asked for donations to poor orphans.
“Well, most of us were orphans,” whispered George, winking.
Swept away under a manger
These days, if you really need to abandon a baby, you are supposed to do it at a fire station or a police station.
You’re not supposed to toss them in a dumpster or leave them in the bathroom at the junior prom.
And you’re especially not supposed to leave them in a Christmas manger scene in front of City Hall.
Not only is it dangerous out there, with wild dogs and coyotes, but it’s probably going to be really cold out there in December.
Unless it’s Florida. Then it might be warm.
For the newborn baby. And the alligators.
George and the Christmas Toys
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His crew hijacked a Chinese cargo vessel, which was full of Christmas toys.
“We’ll make a pretty penny with this!” shouted the captain, and the whole crew cheered.
Except for George.
He remembered the orphanage, owning nothing but a broken stick that he pretended was a cutlass.
All the kids made fun of “Pirate George.”
He waited until everyone was asleep before he dropped the toys off at the orphanage.
The toys contained dangerous chemicals and lead paint, and all the orphans died.
The orphanage is now a Starbucks.
Weekly Challenge #868 – Anaheim
RICHARD
Anaheim!
I had to Google Anaheim: Up to then, I’d always thought it was a brand of clothing, or maybe a beer manufacturer.
So, it came as a bit of a shock when I received the email telling me my job was being relocated to Anaheim; a particularly pleasant shock, when I found out my new base shared the same location as Disneyland, with a fabulous climate, amazing attractions, and a buzzing night life.
Of course, I jumped at the opportunity.
And, here I am!
Anaheim, Saskatchewan! Population 210, middle of nowhere, and absolutely nothing to do, at all!
Lucky me!
LIZZIE
“Check the map. Where’s Anaheim?”
“Oh, it’s a place? Sounded like a name.”
“It’s the name of a place. But did you know that Heim is home in German?”
“I wonder if we’ll meet Ana there.”
“Where?”
“At her home.”
“What?”
“It’d be a great name for a pub. Ana’s Pub. Open 24/7!”
“What are you talking about?!”
“Anaheim, the pub.”
“Anaheim isn’t a pub. It’s a huge city.”
“Is it open 24/7 like Ana’s pub?”
“No. It’s closed. Let’s check the map and go to Los Angeles instead.”
“Ah, Ana, the Angel.”
“Stop it! Stop it now!”
DUANE
California has always attracted cults. Must be something in the air. The most nefarious of the California cults started in the orange groves of Anaheim in the late 1950s. Early followers were easy to spot with their big-eared hats that showed “I’m listening.”
The workers at the cults main compound have all taken on new identities. They are not allowed to “break character”. Everyone has that eerie Stepford Wives’ smile and up beat high voice.
Even I find myself playing along. Handing over my hard-earned money. Standing in line for hours. After all, isn’t this the “happiest place on earth.”
TURA
Anaheim
———
After my parents first took me to Disneyland, I always wanted to go again and again. But it would only ever be once, maybe twice a year. We lived in Anaheim, and we would always walk. Although it was just a mile as the crow flies, it seemed far longer. Later, I wondered whether we had taken a deliberately circuitous route, to make it seem further away.
Eventually, I was old enough to go everywhere on my own, even past the chaos of the Santa Ana Freeway. I could go to Disneyland whenever I wanted.
I’ve hardly been there since.
JRADIMUS/JARED
WC827 Cliche
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Sending you our deepest condolences.”
“You’re in our thoughts and prayers.”
“She’s in a better place.”
“At least she’s no longer in pain.”
“It’s so unfair.”
“Fuck cancer.”
When someone you love dies, you hear every cliche in the book. Everyone struggles to know what to say, so they regurgitate the consolations they’ve heard before. They mean well, and I know they want to help. They don’t know what else to do or say, so they say the only things they can think of, and hope it helps.
I know, for me, it did.
WC868 Anaheim
“The happiest place on Earth” – Cheesy as it is, I’ve tried to make it real.
I adopted Anaheim as my hometown when I moved here over 18 years ago to be near the woman that would become my wife for almost 17 years. Orange County is my turf. I’ve lived at the same address here longer than any other address in my life. Trish passed in January, 2022. Anaheim isn’t as happy as it used to be. But it would dishonor her life if I didn’t try to make it ‘the happiest place on Earth’ for me again. I’m trying.
SERENDIPIDY
Fifth floor, last door on the left. You can’t miss the brass name plate on the door: ‘Ana Heim, Dental Technician’.
No need to knock, just go through and take a seat. She’s expecting you.
Please don’t be alarmed at the screams from the consulting room, it’s really nothing to worry about.
Neither should you be concerned about the trails of blood on the waiting room floor. Ana knows what she’s doing.
She’s old school, and operates with the steely precision and ruthlessness for which the Germans pride themselves.
And, she’s good.
You’ll never need to see a dentist again!
NORVAL JOE
Billbert charged away from the bullies, down Main Street and turned onto Anaheim Avenue, headed toward home expecting to hear two sets of footfalls chasing him. All was silent as he stumbled to a stop. They weren’t following.
He wanted to go back and check on Sabrina and Linoliamanda, but didn’t want to risk being seen by the bullies.
Billbert levitated and flew just above the pine trees to where he could see the larger boy with his hand at Sabrina’s throat.
Incensed that the jerk would pick on a girl, Billbert shot forward at full speed, tackling the boy.
PLANET Z
When Father would come home drunk, Little Ana hid in the shed.
The stink of fertilizers, burning her eyes.
Father, stomping and grumbling.
Her hands, clutching garden shears.
The beat of her heart.
Louder. Faster.
Would Father pass out this time?
God, please?
Or would he pull open the door and…
Father retches loudly, falls with a thud.
Ana will have to clean him up tomorrow.
Relieved, Ana opened the shed door.
Father, standing there, vomit down his chin.
He grabbed her, a loud moan, and fell, shears buried in his chest.
Ana will have to clean him up tomorrow.
Dave and busted
Dave and Busters is a restaurant and sports bar with a gaming area, bowling lanes, and pool tables.
Kind of upscale, often rented out for company holiday parties.
There was one on Richmond Avenue along the strip of other bars and restaurants and music halls.
They had virtual reality pods for robot battles and other competitive games.
You could cash in your tickets for cheap trinkets and souvenirs.
I never went enough to score the big stuff.
Well, that location is closed now.
Sure, there’s one on Katy Freeway, but it’s not my Dave and Busters.
It’s not the same.
The winter worriers
The power went out early this morning.
Big winter storm.
There’s a light dusting of snow on everything.
It’s cold out there, there’s no heat, and it’s getting colder inside.
I’ve got candles. I’ve got blankets.
And I’ve got cats.
I should be good for the night, I think.
My phone barely gets any signal.
Some texts come in.
Some go out.
It’s mostly people worrying about me.
Which causes me to worry.
So I don’t answer them.
Instead, I open a paper notebook and write stories.
And play solitaire with real cards.
I should probably put on some gloves.
The warm winter
It doesn’t rain much these days.
And when it’s warm winter, there’s not much snow melting from the mountains.
The rivers run dry, and the lake retreats from the shore.
We drive the lake bed, throwing trash in the back of the truck.
Broken rowboats, old tires, car parts and other junk.
Scrap is scrap.
And that’s when we found the barrel with the body in it.
“He drowned,” said the coroner, ignoring the three bullets.
“But-”
“He drowned,” repeated the coroner.
He said that about every body we brought in.
And, eventually, us, when we wouldn’t stop asking questions.
Season for miracles
They say that it’s the season for miracles.
And after years of not believing, finally, I believe.
The greatest story ever told, they say.
Well, Frank Key of Hooting Yard told them all.
On Resonance Radio.
Brilliant nonsense, week after week.
Tales of the strange and bizarre.
After his death, his website vanished.
His books and pamphlets no longer in print.
And the archives at Resonance Radio unreliable at best.
Then, after so much silence, a voice from the dead.
A lost episode, published to his feed.
A Christmas miracle.
Thank God I’m too lazy to prune my podcast subscriptions.