Author: R.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

The Gift

It wasn’t just his horrific crimes. It was how prolific he was. The police were baffled. The same piercing blue eyes stared out from photofits on investigation boards all around the country.

It was in Burnley that a newly qualified DS noticed the latest victim’s Tiffany necklace. The first victim had one too. It was a huge breakthrough.

At the jewellers they discovered the same necklace had been sent to every victim. They had him. The invoice address led them to a contact lens warehouse where they found yet another necklace but with a note –

For you, DS Tunstall xx

RICHARD

Contact Lens

“Excuse me, you couldn’t possibly give me a hand by any chance?”

The woman had the face of an angel. It was love at first sight!

“You see, I’ve lost my contact lens, and I wondered if you had a moment to help me find it?”

My heart fluttered – there it was, the code phrase: ‘I’ve lost my contact lens’

Quickly I responded: “The Mexican has a big moustache!”

“What?”

I repeated myself, then asked her for the drugs.

She gave me an exasperated look, then gasped, “There it is!” Peeled the lens from her coat, and briskly walked away.

LIZZIE

“This is a contact lens.”
“Where’s the other one?”
He chuckled, burying his feet in the sand.
“Look.”
He held it close to his eye and the wind picked up and the waves became wild.
“What’s happening?”
“Want me to kill that bird?”
Before she could say no, the bird just dropped dead.
Horrified, she stood up.
“Where did you get that?”
“Aliens. I meet them every Sunday after church.”
“Aliens?! Dead birds?”
He smiled.
“I don’t know what else to do with it.”
“Rain, dude, make fucking rain. Useless aliens… Giving you, of all people, a… freaking contact lens.”

SERENDIPIDY

I have this great little trick I do with contact lenses, I soak them overnight in chilli oil then, once you’re suitably restrained, I pop them into your eyes.

It’s so much easier, and far less messy than pulling out your fingernails with pliers, and nowhere near as distasteful as clipping electrodes to your private parts.

Yet, for all its simplicity, it gets results, almost every time.

And, on the rare occasions it doesn’t work, I always keep a pair of pliers handy, just in case.

They’re not for your fingernails.

I’m going to use them to remove the lenses!

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina looked offended by Linoliamanda’s comment. “I don’t know how you can tell anything with eyes like yours. What’s wrong with you? Did you lose your contact lenses?”
Billbert was surprised and offended by Sabrina’s rude behavior and began to intervene on his old friend’s account. “Sabrina!”
Linoliamanda cut him off. “That’s okay, Billbert. It’s a family trait, on my father’s mother’s side. I should wear glasses, but I’m afraid I would look silly.”
Before Sabrina could make another cutting comment, Linoliamanda added, “Wait. You’re a witch. Don’t you have a spell you could cast to make my eyesight better?”

PLANET Z

Jamie liked to step outside, kneel down on the sidewalk, and pretend she’d lost a contact lens.
People would stop to help her, and eventually she’d stop and pretend to find it and put it in its case to wash later.
And she’d thank the people who’s helped her,, and if any of the guys sounded cute, she’d tell them her number to text her theirs.
She’d go back inside, and her roommate would look them up.
“This one’s cute,” she said.
“I’ll call him later,” Jamie said, picking up her cane and glasses. “Need anything from the store?”

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Bedtime

No one remembered when she’d stopped talking except her. It was easy to remember your ninth birthday. She’d got by silently since then with a series of mimes and a whiteboard she took everywhere with her.

She’d been prodded and poked by Doctors all over the country but they found no physical reason why. One had shouted ‘This needs to stop NOW’.

She didn’t eat much but had just started to feel a hunger. A waking need within. As her Dad sat on her bed to say goodnight she decided tomorrow would be the day that she actually told someone.

RICHARD

Mimes

I really don’t like them.

Ambushing you in the street, with their silly white faces, striped shirts and gloves, thinking they’re oh, so clever.

It starts with the old, stuck in a glass box illusion: Feeling their way around imaginary, invisible walls. Then we’re treated to the invisible tug of war, the non-existent bunch of balloons threatening to drag them off into the heavens, and then – if you’re really, really lucky – the impossibly heavy bag illusion.

And unbelievably, they have the temerity to rattle a collection box under your nose.

So, I always mime dropping a coin into the box!

LIZZIE

The Drunk Monk Tavern didn’t have a nice brew or even acceptable food but had the best mime contests. Mimes came from miles away to take a chance at winning the big prize. And what was the big prize? Lily. Lily was the daughter of a monk, according to her mother. And Lily desperately wanted to get away from her dishonorable past . The only problem was that she couldn’t stand men yapping on and on. She wanted a mime. Her mother agreed especially because they were running out of room in the backyard and the local authorities were getting suspicious.

SERENDIPIDY

She mimes that she’s hungry – she has to: The room is soundproofed and you can’t hear anything through the plate glass.

I’ve kept her prisoner in that room for nearly ten years now, and she’s become quite adept at communicating with me by miming. It’s probably just as well: I’d have been perfectly happy to leave her to starve to death and rot, but I figured if she’s going to make an effort, so should I.

Considering her condition, it’s surprising how elegant and eloquent her communication can be, almost beautiful.

She’s proof that art is the product of suffering.

NORVAL JOE

Before either Billbert or Linoliamanda could say more, their history teacher stood up. “Okay, class. Let’s have some silence as I take role.”
The two attempted to mime their questions and answers to one another, but mostly made the universal sign for, ‘I don’t understand’.
Billbert struggled to pay attention in the 45 minute class until he could voice his questions.
As they headed back out into the hallway, Billbert pointed to his friend and said, “Sabrina. This is a friend from my old junior high, Linoliamanda.”
Linoliamanda smiled vacantly and said, “You’re a witch, aren’t you. I can tell.”

PLANET Z

As much as people hate mimes, the truth is, they don’t hate all mimes.
Sports mascots with the big cartoon heads and don’t speak are actually a form of mime.
And, yes, they’re mimes. They’re not clowns.
The ones without big cartoon heads and are actual people, okay, they’re a mix of clown and cheerleader.
But the rubberheads, they’re mimes.
Mimes may use invisible props while mascots use actual props, but neither speak, and both express themselves with gestures.
So, yeah, people love some mimes.
But that creepy Burger King mascot?
Jesus, that guy is fucking creepy. No way, man.