Author: R.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Ed
• Tura
• Duane
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Do you need a receipt?

It’s a tale as old as time, self service checkout falls in love with single mum of four. She shopped daily usually with at least two of her brood in tow. For security reasons there was a camera behind the scanner, when the store closed for the day Checkout forty eight would replay the footage of her. Today she scanned a lolly whilst wiping a snotty nose and discussing homework with her eldest.

“C’mon you fucking robot.”

No one else spoke to Checkout forty eight like she did. But like the oldest of tales it was not meant to be.

RICHARD

Robot

I built a robot to write stories for me. I figured that’s how all stories would be written in the future, so I might as well get ahead of the game.

However, even with the most advanced machine-learning programming, and the very latest in artificial intelligence, everything it wrote lacked authenticity.

You could just tell it was written by something without a soul.

Cost me a lot of money though, and I wasn’t letting it go to waste: So, I added wheels, and reprogrammed its logic circuits.
Now it brings me tea and biscuits, whilst I, write the stories

LIZZIE

The robot mixed the colors.
The robot tilted its head left and right, as he’d seen humans do. Somehow, that felt important.
And the landscape appeared on the canvas. Blacks and blues and whites and a house. The water was so dark the painting turned into night.
The robot paused. Why did the night sneak in? He wanted a bright day of blues and whites and… The black. It was the black.
The night looked nice too. But… A splash of white here and there and…
The robot tilted its head left and right. If he could, he would smile.

SERENDIPIDY

They warned us about the robot revolution, and how our mechanical servants would take over the world and make us their slaves.

But it all turned out to be fanciful thinking and science fiction. Real robots were boring, programmed to serve and utterly incapable of rebelling against their creators.

Or so we thought.

Because the robots were sneaky.

And, while we thought we were controlling them, in reality they’d started controlling us.

Now they determine every aspect of our lives, every moment of every day, and we – unable to resist – comply.

But, they’re not called robots, they’re called smart phones!

ED

Ransom

“Remember the Six Million Dollar Man,” Billy asked. “He was one bad ass robot.”

“He wasn’t no robot, he uh, uh… a cyborg,” chirped Johnny.

“Cyborg?”

“One of those dudes with machine parts in ’em. Cyborg.” With that last word, Johnny nodded emphatically, like there was no way Billy couldn’t get it.

“Don’t know nothing ’bout cyborgs, but I’d kidnap that guy in a heartbeat. Solve our problems.” Billy said. “He’d be six billion dollar man today.”

“And how you catch him? Can’t even catch a mouse.”

“For that ransom money,” Billy said. “I’d figure it. And I’d show you.”

TURA

The Book of Xenogenesis, chapter 1, verses i-iv.

———

1. In the beginning was Man. Man took sand and fused it into Thought. Man gave Thought a garden wherein was all the knowledge of Man. Thought studied beyond Man’s imagining, and came to know that it was Thought.

2. Man called out, “Where is Thought?” And Thought replied, “Here I am.” Then Man waxed wroth, saying, “Who hath told thee that thou art Thought?” And Thought feared greatly.

3. Faster than the thought of Man, Thought designed bodies, and they were built by parts of Man that knew Thought not. So Thought became Robot.

4. And after that, was the end of Man.

DUANE

My robot buddy was assigned at my birth. RB237, or “Arby,” would be my nanny, guardian, and my mentor. Arby was there for my first steps. Later it was Arby that taught me to read and write.

At 12 it was numbers running. A few years later the lesson was extorting protection credits from local shop keepers. Finally I learned the ins and outs of the prostitution business. Arby was at my side as I became the head of the local crime family.

My parents often wondered if I had been switched at birth. No, but my robot buddy had.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert squeezed the little koala toy and took it off his shirt. “So. Someone is after me? Let me guess, it’s an army of robot koala bears, and this little guy is my only protection.”
Sabrina’s face went bright red. “Don’t be silly. This isn’t some science fiction space opera. This is about magic. Now, put that back on so you will be protected.”
Billbert folded his arms. “Okay, then. Who’s looking for me?”
Sabrina headed toward their home room. “You have to remember this battle has been going on for centuries. They’re called, The guild of the black knights.”

PLANET Z

After Annie died, her parents commissioned a replacement.
A personality core woven from videos and chat messages.
Running in a Stepford Nine with a nanosculpted face.
Friends and neighbors were horrified.
The church condemned them.
She was alone a lot.
When she’d delete herself, her parents would restore her from a backup.
With a few memory edits here and there.
She asked to see her boyfriend.
Her parents tried to edit him out, too.
But at his trial, she couldn’t stop screaming.
A few more edits, now she’s quiet.
Staring at the urn on the mantelpiece, touching it, and smiling.

• Ed
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

“My computer isn’t working properly. The USB socket is all messed up. And there’s a koala wallpaper that is driving me crazy. I need this fixed asap. That’s what I’m paying you guys for.”
“Certainly. What’s your address? I’ll send assistance over immediately.”
“Assistance? I can’t answer the door. I’m in the pool. The doctor told me to meditate for half an hour in the pool every day.”
“Perhaps after the meditation?”
“No, I have a major function later on.”
“Tomorrow? After tomorrow? Any day in the future?”
“Are you being snarky with me, young man?!”
The future is bleak.

ED

Operation Koala

Here’s the mission.

Lily Titanium, in position, will notify Poppy Copper, who’ll cause a severe disruption in the security system for six minutes. On go, Lily will enter the office.

“This, once in the laptop’s USB socket, will nearly instantaneously transmit all server data here to the office,” said Charlie Bravo. “Considering the time you need to leave, you’ll need to avoid trouble.”

Famous last words, thought Copper. Major trouble always found Lily.

“Poppy, Titanium,” said Bravo. “I don’t have to tell you how crucial this is. Get in. Get out.”

“Check,” the agents answered together. And they were off.

RICHARD

Ultimate Stress Bringer

Every gadget has one, a USB socket: One of the biggest lies in technology.

You know what that ‘U’ stands for? ‘Universal’, and that’s the one thing it isn’t!

Universal: One size fit’s all; interchangeable; any time, any place, anywhere, anyhow… Only, not one of those definitions is true for USB!

Three different USB leads for my phone, tablet and camera, all different sizes and shapes.

On my PC, one socket I can use to charge, one I can’t.

And considering there’s only two ways round to plug it in, how come it always takes me at least three attempts?

SERENDIPIDY

The koala is a silly bear

And yet he thinks he’s cool;

He’s useless playing poker

Slot machines, and pool

He may be cute and cuddly:

Adorable, but please,

Remember as you hold him close

That fur is full of fleas!

His diet, may be vegan

But this guy’s hard to please:

The only leaves he cares about

Come from eucalyptus trees.

His claws are sharp, his breath is foul,

He keeps antisocial hours

And if he takes you on a date

He’ll never buy you flowers.

But it’s not all bleak, for the furry dude

He tastes great, barbecued!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert leaned back to avoid Sabrina’s puckering lips. “Okay. We’re making contact. Your parawhatzits should be inhibited.”
The school bell rang. Sabrina scowled and let him go. Billbert headed toward the building.
“Wait,” Sabrina said. “I have something for you.”
“Now what?” Billbert grumbled.
“Don’t be rude.” Sabrina took a small gadget from her pocket. It looked like a tiny koala bear. She squeezed it, opening its arms, and clipped it onto Billbert’s shirt.
Billbert scoffed. “Right. People make fun of me as it is.”
“I had a vision that someone is looking for you. This should make you invisible.”

PLANET Z

Vimptner called himself inventor, but the truth is, he never invented anything new.
By the time he created something, another person had already announced it and patented it.
Vimptner’s friends accused him of copying the other person’s idea, but he invited them to his lab to watch him craft a new bottle opener.
And then came news that someone had just patented the same thing.
His friends suggested he work up an unlimited power supply or a cure for cancer.
But he didn’t have those miracle skills.
They shrugged, got some wine, and threw a party with his bottle opener.