Weekly Challenge #970 – PICK TWO Scorpion, Walking on eggshells, Turn, High pitched, News, Craftsmanship

The next topic is Arrested

TURA

Walking on eggshells; Scorpion

———

To test an aspiring ninja, the floor of a corridor is covered with eggshell halves glued in place, a live scorpion under each one. The candidate must traverse the corridor naked.

Some really can walk on the eggshells without breaking them. Some leap from wall to wall, never touching the floor. Some cling to the roof beams. And of course, some fail.

I trained for months running on hot gravel to harden my soles, then marched straight down the corridor, trampling eggshells and scorpions alike.

They grudgingly passed me, but next year, they replaced the scorpions by razor-sharp, poisoned caltrops.

LIZZIE

It was on the news. They had finally killed him. A candle was lit in a memorial of sorts by the people, just in case. The Scorpion wasn’t happy. When he blew out the candle, no one reacted. It was the wind, they thought. But when he kicked the memorial setup, everyone scattered. Respect, he thought, respect. He was THE Scorpion after all. The kicking seemed to work. So, he kicked a trashcan nearby but the damn thing hit him on the face. A few kids started laughing. The nerve. Being a ghost is such a difficult thing these days.

RICHARD

– Sting in the tail –
A sudden, high pitched scream came from the kitchen.
‘Oh dear, maybe I should have warned her’, I thought, getting up to investigate.
“Just what is that?” she hissed, pointing at the box on the kitchen table.
“It’s a box”, I responded.
“And, what’s that inside the box?”
I sighed, “It’s a scorpion”.
This was obviously not explanation enough, so I forged ahead…
“I thought I’d have a go at keeping unusual pets, and you have to admit he’s a bit unusual!”
She remained unimpressed. “But, why a scorpion, of all things?”
I smiled wickedly. “It reminded me of you!”

TOM

I’m waking on eggshells, don’t that feel fine.

Welcome to 2345 Walking on Eggshells Championship. The news in this year’s completion is the addition of Microsoft Scorpions. After the commissioner allowed electric alligators, it only seems sporting to include semi-venomous insects. Also of note is the craftsmanship of the eggs themselves have been turned over the Blue People’s Republic of China who breed the last surviving chicken. Despite high pitched warning at the Texas Chicken Ranch their clucker was kill crossing the road. Eyewitness state I appear he was trying to get to the other-side. Let’s turn it over to Durant Durant on the field of broken dreams.

LISA

A Robin’s Egg
The crows circling overhead were so loud she didn’t hear the crunch as she walked but she felt the broken shell underfoot, a different sensation after the soft pad of moss.
A brief glimpse was all it took to recognise a robin’s egg. Its contents had probably been a foxes breakfast. She scooped up the delicate pieces and dropped them onto a horse chestnut leaf in her basket.
Later, after drying them on a windowsill she ground them to a fine powder: the robin brought news from the other side and this shell would be well used in many potions.

SERENDIPIDY

I thought I’d give woodworking a try as a new hobby, so I bought myself a lathe and some tools.
To my surprise, learning how to turn wood wasn’t at all difficult, and I very quickly became something of an expert at the craft.
Take a look at my latest creation: Now, that’s craftsmanship. A beautifully balanced, and absolutely gorgeously proportioned maple baseball bat.
It almost seems a shame to stud it with nails and shroud it in razor wire, although that’s a necessary evil.
Only then will it be fit for purpose.
Can I try it out on you?

NORVAL JOE

For hours, every time a patient was called back, Mrs. Withybottom stood, walked to the admission counter to glare at the nurse, turn and come back to her chair.

Linoliamanda patted her mother’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, Mother. There has to be some news soon.”

A doctor in green scrubs approached. “Mrs. Withybottom. I’m Dr. Netheregions, the attending physician. Your husband is in an induced coma as we try to reduce the pressure on his brain from bleeding. He has been moved to the ICU. You can see him now, but I’m sorry to say, children under 16 are not allowed.”

ROSE

Jason crawled to the kitchen to keep his back from scraping the ceiling. He knew he was too tall, and that it was unlikely he would find a place comfortable for him – too expensive. He picked up an egg, careful of the way it distorted when rotated as he cracked it over a thin frying pan.

The Y-axis compression reached 300%, but thankfully it stopped there. How and why the error had occurred was lost to time now. Jason only wished the safeguards keeping humans from shrinking applied to the environments. Or maybe that they weren’t there at all.

PLANET Z

Usually I trim my nails down every few days, but now and then I let them grow for a week or two.
Seeing the white ends is strange to me.
How my fingertips feel when I scratch my nose or type on a keyboard.
Scraping a bit of food from a tooth.
I try to be careful when I trim them.
Half my life, I’ve had to bandage a fingertip because of an infection on one side or the other.
Squeezing it out, washing it out, wrapping it up.
And the not-so-gentile reminder every time I type and feel it.

A Jew walks into a bar…

I used to drink at a bar a lot.
But I don’t drink anymore, but I still went to the bar to have a soda now and then.
Until I overheard the bartender telling a joke to a customer that began with Two Jews walk into a bar, and the bartender says I don’t serve Jews.
I left before the punchline, called the owner, and bought the place.
The next day, I went back.
“I’ve got a joke for you,” I said. “One Jew walks into a bar. The one he bought overnight. And fired the bartender.”
That’s a punchline!

Sherman Antitrust Cat

I have one cat.
I tried to get another cat, but my cat didn’t like the other cat and drove it off.
My cat has a monopoly on me.
So, the government sued my cat under the Sherman Antitrust Act.
Coincidentally enough, my cat’s named Sherman.
And he apparently used anti-competitive practices on other cats to have a monopoly on me.
The driving off of other cats.
My cat’s lawyer negotiated a deal.
So, the government is assigning my cat a cat-sitter.
And three more cats are due to arrive within the week.
I hope the lawyer cleans the litterboxes.

Bobbing for turds

Elections are pretty much a game of bobbing for turds now, aren’t they?
The only choice really left to the sane voter is to keep your head under water until the bubbles stop.
We pay for a solid gold tub.
We pay for the finest natural spring water.
We give money for campaigns and voter awareness of the tub and water.
And then they take a dump in it, tie our hands behind our backs, and say “PICK A WINNER!”
Oh, and if you bite down on the wrong turd, you’re a racist, sexist bigot.
With shit in your mouth.

Doctor Odd parallel parks

Most new cars have an automatic parallel parking, but Doctor Odd added a parallel dimension parking feature to his car.
When he clicks his keyfob, it sends the car into a parallel dimension.
Then he can go do whatever he needs to do, come back, and bring his car back.
If it gets a parking ticket over there, he throws it out.
Sometimes, it comes back with a lot of dirt on it.
Other times, it’s covered with blood and gore.
That’s why he’s got a subscription to the local car wash.
They don’t ask questions. And he tips well.

Sacrifice

Looking at the tractors and other machinery, my grandfather said “They don’t make ’em like they used to.”
Which, considering that the farming process used to involve human sacrifice into a volcano, I’d say is a good thing.
Especially when the human to be sacrificed would be me.
“Get a goat out of the pen,” he said.
I put a rope around a goat’s neck, and we climbed the side of the volcano.
“OH LORD PYRO!” shouted my grandfather. “ACCEPT OUR SACRIFICE TO BLESS THIS YEAR’S HARVEST.”
And I shoved my grandfather into the volcano.
Goats are expensive, you know.

Abandoned carts

I work for a company that’s all about helping companies engage with their customers.
The most interesting feature they support is abandoned shopping carts.
If you go to a web store, put something in your cart, and then close the window… that’s an abandoned cart.
Our software allows stores to send you texts or emails asking you if you still want that item.
I’ve noticed this before, and now I go to online stores and abandon carts just to see if they email me.
I also abandon shopping carts at the grocery store.
The employees gather them up, cursing me.

Weekly Challenge #969 – Mind

The next topic is PICK TWO Scorpion, Walking on eggshells, Turn, High pitched, News, Craftsmanship

RICHARD

— In the eye of the beholder —
“Well, really! Do you mind?”
The exclamation caught me by surprise, I turned around, white stick exploring the floor between us.
“Oh!” An embarrassed pause. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise.”
I cocked my head slightly, “My apologies, I seem to have startled you, miss. Is there something wrong?”
In a friendlier tone, she replied. “It’s just that, well I think you may have taken a wrong turn… Not your fault, at all, of course!”
“Oh?”
“Well, this is actually the ladies’ changing room.”
I apologised profusely and allowed her to escort me out.
She really believed I was blind!

SERENDIPIDY

How do I deal with it?
I suppose it’s really just a state of mind. Call it professional detachment if you will.
I guess it’s no different to being a medic, or cop or doing any of those jobs that exposes you to terrible experiences. You don’t allow yourself to become emotionally involved, you concentrate on the job at hand, and don’t let it get in to your psyche.
Then again, who am I kidding?
I don’t have to deal with it, because I thoroughly enjoy what I do!
But, you won’t enjoy it, when I do it to you!

LISA

A Meeting of Minds
Derek wasn’t traditionally good looking, but he was a successful hypnotist and that had brought considerable wealth. Heidi was a supermodel. The most beautiful face of 1972, 73 and 74. She had a body to match but no personality.
Heidi was attracted to Derek’s wealth initially. Then he did his finest work: making her attracted only to him, a mind control trick that would ensure she never looked again at another man – she was completely under his spell.
Derek aged well; unlike Heidi. She became a bitter hateful woman. And as he’d ensured, she never looked at another man again.

TOM

SomeThing

It wasn’t Billy wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. As a child he had a fever that messed up his hearing. What he heard often seem by other as quite amusing. Take his belove Grandma. She would tell him to Mind his manners. Billy heard Mine his manners. Confusing how you could execute this, Billy did his best to compile. He had quite a deep hole in the backyard, before Grandma looked over the edge and declare that his manners were quite exemplary. Later in life Billy founded the Manners Mining Company who hold the mining right on Mars.

NORVAL JOE

The butler walked into the waiting room and seeing them sitting along the wall, approached. “Is there any word on Mr. Withybottom, madam?”

“No John,” she said wearily. “We don’t know how long it will take to get results. Why don’t you take Linoliamanda and head home.”

“Really Mother. I don’t mind waiting here with you,” Linoliamanda said with a sideways scowl at the butler. “If it gets late, I can walk to Billbert’s house, and his parents can take me home.”

Perkins looked unhappy but nodded. “As you wish, Madam. I will wait for your call at the manor.”

PLANET Z

They say that the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits the windshield is its ass.
You could say the same about Andy Parker, the first man to ride on a rocket sled.
After multiple experiments with cadavers and animals, the scientists wanted to test rapid acceleration and deceleration on a living human.
The staff who volunteered drew straws, and Andy got the short straw.
The ink was barely dry on his contract and life insurance policy when the rockets fired up and the brakes were released.
What his actual last thoughts were, nobody will know.

The other side

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side.
The other side of what?
The other side of The Force?
Well, the good side of the force was in the Jedi Temple at Coruscant.
There wasn’t much grass on that planet.
Nor was there much grass on Mustafar, Darth Vader’s hideout.
What about The Far Side?
Gary Larsson drew it in black and white during the week, and only the Sunday editions were in color.
It turns out, they were talking about that movie The Blind Side.
Man, the grass at that rich private school was green.

The creepy dog

We have an awesome back yard and patio, but the neighbor’s dog stares through the chain link fence.
When it does this, it looks creepy and judgmental.
So, we replaced the chain link fence with a solid wooden fence.
The dog still finds a way to get up on the fence and stare at us.
And it looks even creepier.
No matter how high we build the fence, the dog still manages to get up there and stare at us.
We moved to another neighborhood.
No back yard. No patio. No fence.
And, thankfully, no creepy dog staring at us.