A mountain of letters arrived at the North Pole every day.
No matter how many elves he had go through the pile, it would just grow bigger and bigger.
Santa had a team of elves write a database.
And they scanned the letters into the database.
Were they good or bad?
Governments spied on their citizens all the time.
So did big tech companies.
The elves hacked into the those databases, cross-referencing and coming up with a score.
Automating manufacturing and shipping made the holidays a breeze.
Santa kept a skeleton crew to maintain the systems, and fired the rest.
Author: R.
Season’s Beatings
Usually, kids ask Santa for a bicycle or video games or other things.
Sometimes, they ask for a new sister or brother.
But every now and then, one asks for their stepfather to stop beating them.
Santa hates these letters.
He’d call the cops to tip them off, but there’s no phone lines up at the North Pole.
So, when Santa does his dry run on December 24th, he brings a baseball bat and kneecaps these motherfuckers in their sleep.
Or drags them up to the sleigh, takes off, and throws them over the side on to the hard pavement.
Christmas Truce
The Christmas Truce in World War One, The War To End All Wars.
Exhausted and bloodied British and German troops lay down their guns, come out of their trenches, and meet in No Man’s Land.
They come together to share rations, drink together, and play soccer on the broken ground.
And they sing carols together.
Word reaches the generals, miles back from the front in their mansions-turned-headquarters.
They give the order to fight.
Messengers nod, get in their cars, thinking it over.
Perhaps a little engine trouble, maybe a flat tire.
Something to give the boys a little more time.
Rudolf’s father
Santa asked Rudolph to guide his sleigh through the fog.
As the elves put the harness on Rudolph, the crowd surrounding them cheered.
“I knew that nose would be useful some day,” said Rudolph’s father proudly.
This was the same reindeer who was ashamed of the glowing red nose.
The reindeer who made his son cover it up, no matter how uncomfortable it was.
Drove his son to tears, into exile.
And now, he was proud?
Fucking liar.
“Put him on the venison list,” whispered Rudolph. “Or I don’t fly.”
Rudolph’s father had been a jerk.
Now he was jerky.
Santa thieves
Twas the night before Christmas, Bob, Joe, and Ray stole some Santa suits and a van, and they went package pirating out in the suburbs.
They managed to get a pretty good haul, and they didn’t get caught. Twelve days in a row.
After scrubbing the van down and abandoning it, they checked out their haul.
Most of it was the usual cheap crap, groceries and stuff, but there was some jewelry and electronics and computer stuff that they could sell on eBay, or fence through their flea market pals.
“Merry Christmas!” they said, tapping their cans of beer together.
Santa downsizing
As Santa farmed out more and more of the operation to the big tech companies, the elves had less and less to do.
The traditional jobs of cookie-baking and shoe-making had also been automated.
Their ancestral forests long cut down.
And there are so few jobs for mall santa assistants, what, with the malls dying out because of the big tech companies, too.
Idled and furloughed, the elves turned to crime and underground fight clubs.
Bloodied drunk midgets, stumbling the streets at night, stealing hubcaps and hood ornaments to fashion into weapons and drug paraphernalia in their alleyway craft shops.
Weekly Challenge #815 – PICK TWO Square, Unexpected message, Formation, The door flew open, Fret, Prediction, Jelly fish
LIZZIE
The elderly home where she lived was… boring.
One day, the door to her room flew open and there he was, as handsome as ever.
“I have a message. In a minute, a man will show up and tell you something. Just say “yes”.
She nodded and wondered. Had he been activated? Odd thing at his age…
“How did you find me?”
“I have my sources.” He smiled. “Remember Prague?”
She smiled too.
“OK. Just say yes.” And he left.
A knock.
She opened the door. It was him again.
“Will you marry me?”
And all she said was “yes”.
RICHARD
Donuts
We were enjoying a mid-morning coffee and donuts when the door flew open and the Lieutenant burst into the office.
“Drop everything! We’ve just intercepted an unexpected message from the killer. If we act fast, we can nail him!”
The room cleared in moments, leaving just me and a box of donuts.
Casually, I typed the command into my computer that would remove all trace of the ‘intercepted’ email.
The killer was still at large, but now that the Lieutenant’s incompetence had been revealed to all. He’d be a laughing stock.
And my promotion would be a dead cert!
TURA
Isolation
———
In this Great Plague, everything you need is delivered by robots, excursions are strictly scheduled, and formations of drones patrol overhead everywhere. We live in fear of the day the door flies open, and a robot announces that it has detected an infection. Those visited are never seen again. But there’s no progress towards a cure or a vaccine.
The robots were programmed to enforce isolation. If we had a cure, we’d stop isolating. So they have to prevent that, by declaring an “outbreak” in any lab that succeeds.
But anyone saying this will be next in line for extermination.
DUANE
“Stand by for an incoming message.”
Nolan stared at the radio. This was quite unexpected. There was a strict schedule for messages. Breaking protocol meant it must be something important, or maybe it was a trap. Had the Dominion found out about this channel? The resistance had been careful not to arouse suspicion, but maybe there was an insider. The Dominion would stop at nothing to stomp out the resistance.
“Message commencing. There has been a breach. Do not leave your homes. Do not use this channel in the future.”
Shattering glass made Nolan curse as the door flew open.
TOM
What Could GO Possibly Wrong 014
Ford peeked judiciously over the table. The bottom of two boots caught his eye, along with the business end of a gun. One of his mates kicked the gun away. The boots didn’t move. Rising up Ford made his way towards the shooter. The man was out cold. “What that on your Face?” quipped the underclasses man. “Oh, looks like a pint glass with a duck, should have heeded the flight.” The barman appears with some industrial strength hand cuffs. “When he comes around will have a go at him.” said Max. Securing the perp to the brass bar rail.
What Could Go Possibly Wrong 015
The formation of the building was less that optimal. More a collection of smoldering beams, dotting with piaster and piping. In place amber were still warm. Cervantes pick amongst the rubble. A flash of light off a piece of glass. He picked it up. In spite of the destruction the pint glass was intact right down to the wanky duck. “Time to set you right,” said Cervantes to the wind and rain. “Time for some major fourth dimensional stacking. The time lord removed a egg timer from a vest pocket and turn it over in his palm. Liquid blue appeared.
NORVAL JOE
“Really,” Billbert said. “I lost everything in that fire, except the clothes on my back.”
“Don’t be silly,” Sabrina said. “It’s not your clothes we want from you, it’s something you can do.”
“I showed you what I can do, and that clearly freaked you out. Are you sure it’s me you want?”
Sabrina nodded. “Here’s what happened. I was on the beach looking for jelly fish when a cloud formation gave me an unexpected message. It said, ‘Don’t fret. Your missing piece is now available and on his way.’ The next day you walked up to me at school.”
SERENDIPIDY
There he stands, our All-Powerful Great Leader watching the assembled military might of our noble nation parading past in the vast square below.
A mass of uniforms marching by in formation, perfectly synchronised and orchestrated, then the ponderous rumble of the weapons of war. Tanks, missiles, rockets and guns: An unequivocal message to the watching world.
But today will be different.
The square falls silent as the assembly comes to a halt.
Turrets swivel, barrels are raised, and the sound of ten thousand rifles being brought to aim rings out.
And today’s parade will be our Exalted Leader’s last!
PLANET Z
I sat on a bench in the old town square.
Trees. Stores. A newspaper kiosk.
A church at one end, and the town hall at the other.
Sipping my beer, watching people walk by.
it’s supposed to rain today.
The church hangs a wooden white cloud in a window.
A sun for sunny, and so on.
But it’s not a forecast. Or a prediction.
The priests in the church, they pray for rain.
And it comes.
I keep coming here, hoping to see them hang the devil puppet in the window.
I will capture him, and show him no mercy.
Gingerbread town
Every Christmas, Sandy has made a gingerbread house.
She bakes the walls and roof, and little people to put in the house.
Then, she mixes the icing to put it all together.
Assembling the house and decorating it wasn’t hard for her to do.
So, she made it fancier each year.
Bigger houses, electric motors, LED lights, and toy trains.
Soon, she had a whole village built.
Full scale.
You could walk into the houses.
You could live in the houses.
The year she died, we buried her in a gingerbread coffin.
In the gingerbread cemetery.
Outside of Gingerbread City.
Chocolate Santa
When you eat a chocolate bunny, do you eat the ears first or the feet?
What about the tail? Do you eat that first?
I remember a comedian who said that he bit out the eyes and screamed at it.
But that’s crazy.
Because nobody bites out the eyes of their chocolate bunny.
They do that to their chocolate Santa Clauses.
Or they bite out his crotch.
I mean, after all the kids who sat on the laps of mall Santas, especially the ones who were child predators getting off on it?
And the worst part?
They were paid to.
Christmas lawyers
Every time I hear someone say “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” I never hear from their lawyers.
People tend to just say that when they’re frustrated and know they’re wrong, but just want to intimidate you.
Lawyers never actually show up and do things.
Except this one time.
It was Christmas Eve, and there was a knock on the door.
Foolishly, I opened it.
And there were the lawyers.
They sang some wonderful Christmas carols at me.
Now, when people say I’ll be hearing from their lawyers! I say “I look forward to it.”
And make the figgy pudding.