Author: R.

George was a bad student

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got lousy grades in pirate school, his teachers held him up for ridicule, and his classmates bullied him.
So, George swore he’d get his revenge.
Back then, there weren’t high-capacity guns to mow down a schoolyard full of kids, nor were there cars you could drive into them.
Sure, he could have started a fire. But he wasn’t good at it.
And he was mocked for it.
So, he became a pirate, and he caused “accidents” that got his nasty former classmates captured or killed.
Sweet, sweet revenge.

George the party man

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
This wasn’t in just skill, but also in discipline.
“I’m leaving the ship for a few days,” said the captain. “No parties while I’m gone, okay?”
“Aye aye, captain,” said George.
George broke out the rum and arranged music, games, dancing, and fencing matches.
Come dawn, the ship was everything but a wreck at the bottom of the bay when the captain came back.
“Are you mad I made a mess, sir?” said George.
“No,” said the captain. “I’m mad you threw a great party and I wasn’t invited,”

George and the weather

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never checked the weather reports, so he frequently sailed into thunderstorms, hurricanes, and tsunamis.
Or he’d be sleeping at an inn, and a big wave would wash the building a mile inland.
“I paid for an oceanside view,” complained a sopping-wet George to an equally sopping-wet innkeeper. “Now it’s a mile walk to the docks?”
George wrung out his clothes and hiked the mile back to his ship.
Well, where he thought he’d left his ship.
He hiked back. It was on the other side of the inn.

Weekly Challenge #1004 – Snot

The next topic is PICK TWO Display, Poem, Background music, 158, Rockfall

RICHARD

— Loser —
I sighed inwardly when the lad walked in, another no-hoper, without prospects.
“Well boy, I understand Miss Jones has thrown you out of art class again. What do you say for yourself?”
“Sorry sir” the boy sniffed, then used his sleeve to wipe the snot from his nose, “I just don’t like art… or sport.”
I rubbed my eyes wearily.
“So, what do you like?”
“Computers, sir.”
Computer games, more like, I thought to myself.
“Well, buck up your ideas, and forget the computers, lad. Detention!
And, I don’t want to see you in my office again, William Gates!”

TOM

Take this Marcel Prouse
I had a childhood friend whom at a very early age had become a superior
wordsmith. He often said the following: Snot bad. If you are 10 years
old this is the height to refined wit. I have not thought about that pun
in 40 years. Fun how stuff lies dormant in your memory. While reflecting
on the lazy summer day we hung out a quip floated back. Don’t go
straight, go forward. It was dawn of the age of hippies when straight
meant married, kids, working in the steel mill. Get the split-level
house in the burbs. Snot bad?

LISA

A Dentist with a Difference
Sam’s newly qualified as a dentist and full of fresh ideas to allay fears of his profession. One of them: to call himself an oral technician. He’s just picking up his new van from the sign writer- he‘s asked for highly decorative initial letters in shades of fresh greens for his fresh new venture.
A mobile dentist. It’s the future. He’s documented his journey on social media and goes live as he collects the van. He zooms in on SNOT Sam Neil Oral Technician and goes viral with the post before he’s tempted anyone into the back of his van.

SERENDIPIDY

“Drowned in snot!”
Inspector Mulligan grimaced, “Rather an unpleasant way to meet your maker. What do we know about the victim?”
Officer Jenkins consulted his notebook. “Works in McDonalds, Sir. It’s the premises downstairs. We don’t know who owns this floor though, or what he was doing here.”
“Or, why there’s a huge vat full of snot up here”, mused Mulligan.
“Well, none of it makes sense. Best get the lads up to remove the body”
“Oh, and while you’re at it, did you say there’s a Maccy D’s downstairs? Grab me one of those extra thick shakes, would you?”

NORVAL JOE

Mandi flowed with the rest of the student traffic to her first period class.

Behind her she heard, “Look. That stuck up snot is finally back in school.”

Mandi kept walking, until the girl said, “Yeah you, Leemoldia. We’re talking about you.”

Mandi turned around to find three girls, two her height, and one redhead, who was much taller. At first, she thought the redhead was a teacher—she was as tall as most, and well built. But then she roughly pushed the other two away.

“Get lost, you two,” she snarled. “I need to have a word with Mandi.”

PLANET Z

I contracted for a company that ran raffles at holiday parties where there were more prizes than partygoers. Everybody came away with cool shit. Not coffee mugs or shirts, but televisions. And everybody got a lava lamp. As a contractor, I wasn’t invited, and the fulltimers would taunt me over it. So I’d nope out and take time off and they’d be up shit creek in a day or two, and beg me to come back and I’d say sure, for all your lava lamps. And I blew the fuse to my closet of an office plugging them all in.

George answers the survey

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But the captain… now they weren’t good at all.
Every year, the captain sent out an anonymous survey.
The responses were dismal.
“I feel like my contributions are valued.” Negative.
“I feel like I have opportunities for career growth.” Negative.
“I feel like my work has meaning.” Extremely negative.
The captain fumed, threatening to make everyone walk the plank.
“Then who will hold the plank?” asked George.
George was the first forced to walk the plank.
“I’m going to remember this for next year’s survey,” grumbled George, treading water.

George gives a shit

George was a pirate, but he was in a very good pirate.
If you asked him about that, I’d say don’t give a shit.
Even though people constantly gave him shit over it, he never gave them shit back.
Some would say that he couldn’t give two shits what you thought.
But it wasn’t that he would give two shits, because he never gave one.
One shit, two shits, it didn’t matter.
George didn’t give a shit about not being a very good pirate, and that’s all that mattered.
To tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit either

George the artist

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of taking hostages and ransoming them off, he usually ended up befriending his captives and traveling the world with them.
One was a young man from the French Navy who didn’t speak French very well.
He was whittling small sculptures out of wood and soapstone.
“These are pretty good,” said George. “Mind making one of me?”
So, he did, that’s how George wound up with an early Paul Gaugin sculpture.
It’s in a museum now.
Well, in their warehouse, not on display.
George wasn’t a particularly handsome man.

George the porch pirate

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He lost his crew, he lost his ship, and he even lost his hat.
His reputation kept him from getting hired by other pirates for their ships.
He was reduced to stealing packages off of people’s porches.
But George wasn’t a very good porch pirate either.
His first heist was a trap, and the glitterbomb exploded in his face.
“Welcome, Glitterbeard!” shouted everyone at the pub, laughing.
The next heist was a delivery from Ikea.
Miraculously, it was a ship.
George struggled with instructions and Allen wrenches for days.

George keeps a secret

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When pirates tell each other secrets, they get really fancy with their expressions.
Like sinking something down in Davy Jones’ Locker.
Or the best way for three men to keep a secret is to kill two of them.
George liked to say “Keep this under your hat.”
Which is where he kept his most important secret. Literally under his hat.
So while he slept, his fellow pirates would take off his hat and read his secret.
Which consisted of a little slip of paper marked “Buy a new hat.”

George gets coronavirus

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His adventures took him far and wide, and once he went to China.
“This cave bat is delicious,” he told the street vendor. “Can I have another?”
That’s how George caught the Coronavirus.
He was feverish and coughing for days.
Spreading the disease like wildfire.
Authorities called for people to shelter in place, putting the world in a lockdown.
“Plenty of opportunities to loot and pillage,” wheezed the captain over the conference call.
“Sure,” said George, wrapped in his bathrobe.
He took a Mucinex and went back to bed.