Author: R.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Tura
• Tom
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

The business was blooming. They sold all sorts of plants to all sorts of people, even to a very important film and TV production company. Every time they crossed paths, they’d nod civilly. But she knew. She knew very well what he was up to. When she found him among the lines of lavender pots, looking rather blue, she smiled and left him there. The lavender would take care of that one problem she wouldn’t mention. And he would never steal from her again. She vaguely recalled him saying he was allergic to… mushrooms. Was it mushrooms? She nodded… civilly.

RICHARD

Equal Footing

Business partners – that’s how I view our relationship although, truth be told, it’s a fairly unequal partnership.

We work on the basis of supply and demand: I make the demands, and she supplies whatever I ask for in a timely and efficient manner.

In return, she gets reasonable pay, board and lodgings, and the occasional perk. Personally, I think she does very well out of the arrangement.

Some would argue we should do things on a more equal footing, after all they say, marriage is all about give and take.

Well, she gives, and I take.

Husband, and partner.

TOM

Over the years I have spent a considerable about of time in the woods with different flavors of pagans. In a fair number of these it is bad form to mix your pantheons, but it does occur from time to time. In most the attending deities are invoked as Lord and Lady this or that. Often the celebrants have chosen the magical name of Lady Moonbeam Willow River Raven. Even circles that adhere to conscience removal of colonialistic terms get tripped. I once pointed out Queen of the Witch seem to undercut that democratic PC-ness. They told me to shut the fuck up.

Partners in Crime is such a telling turn of a phrase. For me it’s my friend Jim. Over the last 40 years we have successful executed a number of financial endeavors. Sadly none has been actual criminal in nature. I can think of no one I would rather rob the Bank of England with. Or do a Thomas Crown Affair with. Come to think of it a road trip to Las Vegas might be pretty sweet. A thousand networks for the taking. All those years hacking UNIX servers would do the trick. And Paraguay is lovely this time of year

TURA

Partner
———
None fare well in the Queue who queue alone. One must have a partner, to hold one’s place if one steps out for a moment, and you will do the same for them, allies in the Great Wait. And when you grow old and infirm in the Queue, to support each other, and if it comes to it, drop out of the Queue a while for their sake, supporting them even if you must lose a hundred places, or a thousand.

For greater love hath no man than this, that he lose his place in the Queue for a friend.

SERENDIPIDY

I don’t like the word ‘victims’: It seems such a negative expression, one that negates the contribution of one party to the action and makes it somewhat meaningless.

It’s too passive, too one sided, and it doesn’t accurately describe the complex relationship between killer and casualty.

You see, those I despatch play an important role in the game: There can be no pursuit without the pursued, no control without resistance, no power without fear to feed it.

Those unfortunates who fall foul of my wickedness are never mere victims, they play their part as much as I.

Partners, in crime.

NORVAL JOE

As Linoliumanda’s song came to an end she pirouetted off the dance floor, oblivious of all the eyes staring at her.

A teacher walked into the middle of the room and said, “You have until the next song starts to ask someone to dance and then we will begin to assign dance partners.”

Billbert saw Marrissa and headed toward her with a smile but she walked right past him and put her arm around a boy he’d never seen before.

Suddenly, Linoliumanda was taking his hand and pulling him onto the dance floor. “Come on, Billbert. We can be partners.”

PLANET Z

All of the partners in the law firm swore an oath of loyalty to the firm.
Young and strong and smart, they all wore identical rings with the seal of the firm.
Only 100 of the rings were ever made.
And only when a partner died would they pass the ring on to a new partner.
Every year, the juniors came into the meeting hall, challenging the partners to duels.
Usually, the partners won, but when a partner fell, their ring went to the junior.
They’d pull it off of their dead, cold finger and put it on their own.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

NORVAL JOE

Billbert showed up for the dance on Friday night, having not spoken to Marrissa or Linoliumanda in days. He wondered if either would be there.
A lady at the door to the gymnasium checked his student ID before letting him into the large decorated room.
The lights were on.
Parents had worried their children would get up to no good if allowed to dance in the dark.
Therefore, no one danced. Instead, students lined the walls glancing nervously at one another.
Until someone requested the DJ play the Harry Potter Theme song.
On the dance floor, Linoliumanda danced by herself.

RICHARD

First date

I thought everything was going really well.
My date kept giving me flirty looks, laughing at my jokes and we were getting on as if we’d known each other years.

The restaurant was pretty good too – a little fancy compared to my usual haunts, but I wasn’t complaining, and the quality of the food almost justified the exorbitant prices!

Meal over, I leaned back in my chair and let out a satisfied belch.

“Well, that’s not very ladylike” muttered my date.

“Oh, I’m no lady”, I replied, surreptitiously rearranging the bulge in my underwear to a more comfortable position.

LIZZIE

The writer hammered the story on his laptop. The damn plot wasn’t working. His main character, Lady Whatever (name not yet settled), had just hidden the corpse of her husband under her bed. The writer tried to convince the character that that was a bad idea. Lady Whatever gave him the finger and continued with her merry life. He grinned. That character had to go. Lady Whatever, who was pretty smart, hid under her bed. The stench was so bad, that the writer gave up. Let her be, he thought. And the story was a success, believe it or not.

SERENDIPIDY

The Lady of Shalott, it is said, died of unrequited love for Lancelot.

He, oblivious to her yearning, spurned his king and his calling, for a tawdry, illicit affair with Guinevere, bringing civil war and an end to Arthur’s throne.

So much for chivalry.

However, Lancelot of the Lake wasn’t entirely to blame…

As they say, behind every successful man, stands a scheming woman, and I – the Lady of the Lake – hold that particular title in this story.

And, for me, it all worked out exactly as planned:

After all, in the end, I got my sword back!

PLANET Z

They say that Evel Kneivel broke every bone in his body.

That’s two hundred and six bones broken.

Rocket Rachel Ricardo broke her little toe.

But she broke it two hundred and six times.

She’d appear on talk shows and trip over a riser and break her toe.

Sometimes, just standing there, you’d hear a crack.

“Oh no,” she said. “I broke my toe.”

And the audience would laugh.

After a while, she’d had enough, and she had that toe surgically removed.

The next stunt, she was impaled by a piece of rebar.

But she didn’t break a single bone.