Author: R.

Weekly Challenge #682: Slurp

Blissed out

LIZZIE

Slurp!
Hey, that’s not the way I brought you up.
Slurp…
I won’t say it again.
Slurp?
I warn you.
Slurp. Slurp.
Stop it.
Slurp, slurp, slurp.
OK, that’s enough. I’ve had it.
A thunder of stomping feet approached the kitchen while the kids scattered in all directions. Johnny stayed behind, sitting at the table, daring his mother.
Who was it? Come on. Who was it?
No slurping now? Spit it out. Who was slurping?
When the mother finally gave up, Johnny looked at his cup. It was almost empty.
The others’ cups were almost full.
He sneered.
Slurp.

RICHARD

Captain Slurp

The big name brands had their Colonels and their Clowns, but being a small independently owned burger bar, meant that our advertising budget was rather constrained.

That’s how we ended up with Captain Slurp – a rather shoddy, modified and repainted second hand Captain America figurine, with the addition of a twelve inch pink, lolling tongue and a shield formed from a giant burger bun, to avoid copyright infringement suits.

Frankly, he was terrifying.

He did the job brilliantly – mainly because furious customers came in complaining he’d scared their kids.

And they’d always buy burgers while they were here!

SERENDIPIDY

In many Asian cultures, it’s considered good form to slurp your noodles; whilst elsewhere a satisfied belch at the conclusion of the meal is seen as a compliment to the chef.

In this part of the world, however, we are a little more genteel, preferring a more delicate approach to meals.

Here, napkins, finger bowls and correctly ordered cutlery are the order of the day, and untoward displays of satisfaction are frowned upon. We prefer the enjoyment of food to be a respectful, elegant affair, as is befitting of its source.

After all, grandmother had class.

And she tasted, delicious!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert and Linoliumanda followed Wanda through the crowds of students meandering along the hallways in no real hurry to get to their next classes.

“Wait,” Linoliumanda said. “You expect us to believe you know something special about secret government agencies? You can’t be much older than either of us. Fourteen at most.”

Wanda stopped and casually took a slurp of lukewarm water from the drinking fountain before looking around them and whispering, “I’m really twenty-four years old and just finished my training with the FBI at Quantico.”

Billbert’s mouth dropped open.

Linoliumanda rolled her eyes and said, “Oh yeah. Right”

PLANET Z

“Don’t slurp your soup, Jimmy,” mother said.
So, Jimmy slurped Tommy’s soup.
“Don’t slurp any soup!” mother shouted.
Jimmy would go off into the woods, build a campire, and cook soup.
Then he’d pour it into a bowl, get out a spoon, and slurp it.
Once, he forgot to bring a spoon, and he slurped it straight from the bowl.
A tentacle poked out of the bowl and grabbed Jimmy by the throat.
“HOW DARE YOU BLASPHEME AGAINST SLURPASOUP, GOD OF BULLION?” boomed through the woods.
Jimmy was dragged into the bowl and never seen again.
Tommy got Jimmy’s bike.

Bunnyverse

Why do magicians pull rabbits out of hats?
Well, rabbits are docile compared to other animals.
Also, rabbits are cute.
Finally, the parallel universe to which your hat’s transdimensional portal connects is full of cute, docile rabbits.
That’s why we call it The Bunnyverse.
So, whenever you stick your hand into your hat, it doesn’t take long for you to grab a rabbit and pull it into our universe.
Just remember to put the rabbit back. Transdimensional mass imbalance might lead to a space-time rift.
Which will explode and kill you, the audience, and everyone on earth.
Including the rabbit.

Bruce Wayne the Drunk 2

Bruce Wayne was a drunk.
At his Halloween Party, he wanted to dress up as Batman.
His butler Alfred tried to convince him that this was a bad idea.
They wrestled for a bit, and Bruce had Alfred in a headlock as the butler smashed a vial of knock-out gas into Bruce’s face.
They both passed out, and the party went on without them.
Everyone had a great time, and nobody noticed that Bruce was missing.
But they noticed that Aflred was missing.
The caterers ransacked the manor.
Bruce woke up, got into his Batman suit, and hunted them down.

Bruce Wayne the Drunk 1

Bruce Wayne was a drunk.
Alfred would shake him awake, wipe the vomit off of his face, and say “Batsignal.”
“Fuck,” growled Bruce, and Alfred would help him get into his Batman suit.
He added an autopilot to the Batmobile because he was too drunk to drive it.
He also added a minibar, because wanted to get drunker.
When the Batmobile arrived at the scene of the crime, Batman would fall out of it, growl a few times, and then punch the hell out of anything in his way.
Then he’d swing by the liquor store, and head back home.

Chronoscope

The Chronoscope allows you to peer back in time.
Just set the coordinates and activate the viewer bridge.
The probe manifests in the past as a small bubble for an infinitely brief period of time.
For safety reasons, the probe cannot scroll forward or backward in time.
This would risk damaging the probe, which would flash forward in time as a catastrophic energy wave.
I show my students so many historical moments, but most of all, they want to see trees and grass and rivers.
Back before the energy wave burned the world, while we watched from Lunar Base One.

The Weeds

Denise was a smart kid in a poor school district.
Every year, money went to the football team.
Instead of textbooks, science labs, and other academic resources.
Because colleges wanted athletes, not students.
For AP classes, Denise took a bus across town to the rich kids’ school.
Up early, home late.
Studying, while everyone else was at the game.
For years, she bred dandelions in her back yard.
Carefully selecting the toughest weeds, with the deepest roots.
And spread their seeds on the football field.
They quickly crowded out the grass.
Even when the district re-sodded, it came up weeds.

Wise

In the old days, you hiked for days to reach the mountain, and climbed it to reach The Wise Man’s hut.
Now, you can ride the 7 bus from Downtown, which takes you to the Visitor Center, where you can buy a daypass for the cable car, shop at the gift shop, or dine at one of three restaurants.
The Wise Man’s Casino and Ski Resort, managed by Hilton, hosts several self-help seminars a day, and runs the best rollercoasters in the world.
I found The Wise Man and asked him for advice.
“Try the veal,” he said. “It’s great.”

Weekly Challenge #681: JACK

Bag cat

TOM

Jack

Jack was a force of nature. He passed award six years ago. Amazing how time just sails by. I don’t think about him as often as I should. That once vibrant inter action has become a frozen dialogue and all the memories have calcified. His daughters grew into amazing young women and his wife Linda returned to a career in nursing. What I missed most about Jack was whenever you were with him it was the Jack and YOU Show. You could feel the world spin around you. I was brighter, funnier and faster than the speed of light.

LIZZIE

Home sweet home, Jack thought. The day was coming to an end and no one knew where he was. His caravan was his home, at least the home he loved. The place was not much to look at. It desperately needed a bit of paint. The door was gone. That was a long story. However, he was home. When the snake decided to nestle in his bed, Jack wished he had a door. As a result, he spent the night pointing a lamp at the non-existent door and thinking of snake patterns to paint on the side of his caravan.

RICHARD

Jack!

In many ways, my holiday abroad got off to a pretty bad start, and all because of a silly slip of the tongue. Up until then, everything had been as smooth as clockwork: Check in was a breeze, no problems at security, and the flight took off on time.

It was only after the seatbelt sign went off that things took a downward turn.

I heard my name shouted down the plane: “Richard! Fancy seeing you here! What are the chances?”

It was my best mate from years before! Then stupidly, without thinking, I shouted back to him…

“Hi Jack!”

SEREENDIPIDY

I enjoy those silly puns around names, in fact that’s how I selected my latest batch of victims and the manner in which I despatched them…

What do you call a man with a car on his head?’

Jack!

What do you call a man with a spade in his skull?

Doug!

And what do you call a guy tied up, underwater?

Bob!

What do you call a woman hanging from a church spire?

Belle!

But, I’m running out of puns, and lots of victims to go.

So if you’ve suggestions for Tom, Lizzie, Richard, Joe and Laurence…

Let’s talk!

TURA

Jack
———
“Spring-heeled Jack versus Jack the Ripper!” said the poster under the street lamp. “For one night only!”

“It doesn’t mention the venue,” said my date. “Leave that to me,” I said suavely, and led her down a dark alleyway. At an unmarked door shrouded in darkness I gave a secret knock. There was a click, and the door yielded to my hand. An attendant showed us to my private box.

I hoped my date would enjoy seeing a genetically enhanced fighting cock pitted against a feral cat. And if not, this place has a way of disposing of inconvenient people.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert, Wanda, and Linoliumanda walked toward the door to the cafeteria

“How would someone weaponize my superpower? It’s not like I have laser vision and can burn through walls or anything,” Billbert asked under his breath, suddenly concerned about everyone around him.

Wanda hooked her arm around Billbert’s and pulled him closer. “You obviously don’t know jack about the the FBI, CIA, and secret services.

“You’re right,” Billbert said. “If you know jack, maybe you should introduce us.”

Wanda laughed, though her eyes were serious. “You know the saying, I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

PLANET Z

When Jack King was planning his business, he pondered what to use as a logo.
Would it be a jack playing card or a king playing card?
Why choose at all? He could use both, right?
And then there were the four suits to choose from.
Jack took a long time to think things through.
He checked domain names and available social media account names, but all of the variants were taken already.
Jack then put on a wig, some makeup, and called himself Queen Jackie King.
That was available. But it didn’t much help his fledgling mancave construction business.

Cable box

A warning message appeared on my television.
Comcast detected an old cable box, so I ordered new equipment.
When it arrived, I emptied the boxes, laid out the components, and read the instructions.
Then I uninstalled the old equipment and installed the new.
It took a while to work through all of the menus and settings, but after an hour, it was all ready.
The final step was to pack up the old equipment and ship it back to Comcast.
But by then, the cats were sleeping in the boxes.
I’ll pack it all up and ship it next week.

Soap bubble

I’ve bought a lot of cat toys over the years.
They were all a waste of money.
One of the silliest was a catnip-infused soap water to make bubbles with.
Instead of the cats catching the scent of the bubbles and chasing them, they’d just sit there and ignore the bubbles.
Or, I’d blow the bubbles into the cat’s face, and they’d run from the annoying wet onslaught on their whiskers.
“What’s wrong with you idiots?” I’d groan at the cats.
If the cats could talk, they’d ask the same of me, paying for this soapy water instead of treats.