Author: R.

• Richard
• Lisa
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

The next topic is You stink!

LISA

We’d just gone out for some smokes. That was all. It’s not like there’s much else to do when the powers out is there? It was a hot day – tempers had been frayed. Then the air con stopped working. Alarms started beeping down the street. I tried a light switch and nothing!
They called us animals in court. Like we’d hunted in a pack. Scapegoats is what we were. They were making an example of us. I mean, the door was open. I left the cash on the counter. It’s hardly my fault if some looter took it is it?

RICHARD

— Dead Man’s Hand —
Dad always won at poker.
It didn’t matter, we only played for pennies, the only thing at stake was pride. Still, it would have been nice to win more than once in a while.
It was his thing though, and we spent many an evening happily playing cards and enjoying a bottle of bourbon.
He’s been gone a while now, and I miss those evenings together.
I found his old pack of cards whilst clearing out some boxes, so I invited the boys round for a game.
Now we know how he always won.
Sixty three cards in the pack!

LIZZIE

He packed a bag and grabbed the jeep. It’s urgent, they said. And off he went. The terrain was rugged, the whole trip a disaster. A flat tire. The jeep started leaking oil. When it finally died, he was stranded in the middle of nowhere. What now? That’s when they appeared. He had never seen them, their faces painted, their hair braided with long strings of many colors. They didn’t talk, but he could hear them. Need help? He nodded. When he woke up, he got dressed, packed a bag and grabbed the jeep. He wondered. Where would they be?

SERENDIPIDY

I was raised by a pack of wolves; abandoned in the forest, left to fend for myself, they found me, nurtured me and kept me safe.
I learned their ways, lived as one of them, earned their respect and their loyalty.
And now I am the alpha.
I am in control, and they obey me, protect me, with their very lives if necessary.
And tonight, we hunt.
Do you hear the chill howls as we approach?
Do you see the red glow of our eyes?
The snapping and flash of our teeth?
And, when you cry wolf.
No-one will hear.

TOM

52!

For five years I have traveled everywhere with packs of cards. Waiting for open heart surgery, In church during church. At tables to dinner at tables to vote. I have created a number of pack tricks which I call the COVID Collection. I going to present my best full pack trick this Tuesday in Oakland for the 100-year meeting of the oldest magic club West of the Mississippi. The pack produces four Royal Flushes in a row. Then four Straight Flushes. It’s called Primo Vi-gintillion. Still working on story to frame the impossible. Got the how, lookn for the why.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert’s dad quickly tied up the unconscious intruder and called the police.

When they arrived, Mr. Withybottom told the officer, “He said he was looking for Sabrina Hecksaohos.”

The officer gave Billbert and Mandy the side eye. “I know you two. You claimed your butler was poisoning someone.”

Mandy scowled at him. “John did poison my dad and he just tried to kidnap us in front of the police station.”

The cop laughed. “We found that guy wandering around and waving a gun.” He turned to his partner. “Harry. Pack up this perp and let’s go talk to the butler.”

PLANET Z

Every year I buy a new hurricane preparedness pack with several weeks of dehydrated meals. I donate the old one too the local food pantry. Lots of other people do this, so the county is up to the rafters with dehydrated, eggs, and chicken cacciatore. The water purification tablets have a much longer shelf life, but sometimes I forget and leave those in the packs and have to buy new ones of those too. Does bottled water expire? I don’t know. I’ve seen a few cases of those at the food pantry, so maybe I should donate those as well.

• Richard
• Lisa
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

The next topic is Pack

RICHARD

— Snooze —
What’s that beeping?
Mostly still asleep, brain barely functioning, it slowly dawns on you: The alarm is going off.
Clumsily, you fumble for the hateful thing at the side of the bed, hitting the snooze button, before crashing back into the pillows for the next ten minutes.
It’s not like this in the movies.
No -one ever hits snooze in films.
They either hurl the offending article across the room, or wake pleasantly refreshed; no yawning, hair and makeup pristine, sheets artfully draped across them, hiding anything remotely offensive.
The alarm sounds again.
I hit snooze.
Ten more minutes, please.

LISA

What’s that Beeping?
It hasn’t been a first date like in the movies. He’d come round to mine but my smoke alarm needed new batteries and was beeping. He went to get some and didn’t come back… not meant to be. I necked the wine and spent the evening scrolling facebook. Then I saw, in a local community group, a picture of a car wrapped around a signpost. One person seriously injured & taken to the General. It was him! I went straight to the hospital, pretended to be family and here I am listening to the beeping of his life support machine.

LIZZIE

That way. No, this way. And they continued to argue even though the signpost was right there. A policeman approached and asked where they were going. They stuttered. The policeman frowned. Bicycles, they said. The policeman pointed to the rent sign and waved them away. But… What if…, one of them started. The policeman rolled his eyes and jokingly asked where they hid the body. How did he know?! No more asking for directions. There was only one possible way. The End. Funny how an open-ended story can be as annoying as people who don’t know where they are going.

SERENDIPIDY

You passed the signpost a good half hour ago, the one that said three miles to go.
Surely, it can’t be much further?
You peer into the darkness… It’s the middle of nowhere, you’ve no signal and the satnav is blank.
Perhaps you took a wrong turning somewhere along the way?
Suddenly, the car engine stutters and dies. You roll slowly to a halt.
The silence presses in.
You’re alone.
Guess you should just sit tight until the morning and make the best of it.
Except it’s never quite that simple in the movies.
Are you afraid?
You should be!

TOM

It was a good Gig

Gary was a Federal Information Designer. His job was boring, but his hidden quest was bright and shine-y. He wanted highway signs to be bright and shine-y. His office was piled high with Sample Signposts. Lots of vermilion and forms straight out of the Memphis movement. For a dyed in the wool bureaucrat, he sure had a deep exult for glitter, I mean rainbow glitter. It of a tip there. The sample signpost that got him promoted had 47’s face in the middle. And it was gold plates. With orange lettering. It was impossible to understand, just like the man.

NORVAL JOE

“What’s that beeping?” Mandi asked as they climbed the ashlar steps to the open front door.

“It’s the panic alarm. Wait here,” Billbert said, levitated, and soundlessly entered the house.

Like a scene in the movies, a man in a mask held a gun on Billbert’s parents.

His mother made eye contact and quickly looked away. Fortified by her superpower of efficiency, Billbert knew what to do when she nodded.

He shot forward as both his parents dropped to the floor. Billbert grabbed the intruder, lifted him, and slammed him into the wall.

The gun flew from the thug’s hand.

NORVAL JOE

After weed had been decriminalized in the city, Bradley sold at the late night Pink Floyd show at the Science Center planetarium.
“We’re here to make sure everybody plays nice,” said the cops.
Bradley thanked them for their service, offered up free samples.
Bradley went back to selling, checking IDs and taking photos to cover his ass if someone was buying for a kid again.
Bradley was a businessman, not a crook.
“Come back when you’re 21,” he’d say.
Parents appreciated that. And then bought from him.
He even got an entrepreneur of the year award from the Rotary Club.