Author: R.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Danny
• Richard
• Charlie Lacrosse
• Lizzie
• Jeffrey
• Serendipity
• Tom
• Danny
• Norval Joe
• Jon
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Bad Advice

“Take a tip from me”, my father would say. “Never get involved with women, drugs, gambling or booze, and you’ll live a long, healthy and happy life, just like me.”

Unfortunately, it seems you can take advice too literally…

My mother threw me out on the streets when I refused to have anything to do with her; I refused medication when I contracted pneumonia; and when consequently admitted, unconscious to hospital, my lack of health insurance – which you’ll agree, is gambling – saw me back on the streets almost immediately.

And I can’t even drown my sorrows.

Thanks dad!

CHARLIE

I’ve got a tip for the warden that will be in charge of the imprisonment of Weinstein, Cosby and Freeman. “Above all, avoid letting anyone near the three named prisoners. Don’t let anyone pump them full of meth, steroids, sildenafil, and B-12. After a few days pass, they will be at each other like Spanish Pirates on native women in the Caribbean.”

This, of course, would be a very cruel deed, and the staff would have to keep things on the down low.

The female officers could be trusted to be discrete, and would have access to professionally produced DVDs.

LIZZIE

What should I do? The green is fading away. The red is taking over. A man is hanging from the big oak, swinging horribly. His blood is pooling on the ground. And I don’t know what to do. I just hide in this tree. The magic is gone. The magic is gone… The man has been there for a while. I didn’t see who did it. I was hiding, hiding in this tree. And I hid for so long that I am now the tree. I am not hanging, but I am dead too. Tell me, what should I do?

JEFFREY

At the Track
by Jeffrey Fischer

Alan leaned over the rail, urging his horse to victory. The horse finished dead last, and Alan tore his betting ticket in two. So much for the great tip he had gotten from the old guy who looked as though he spent his days at the track, studying each race with great intensity. This was the fifth race in a row the old guy had whispered a name to Alan, and the fifth race in a row where that name had finished out of the money. A Magic 8 Ball would have been just as helpful.

A second old man materialized at the rail, next to Alan. “Let me guess,” Alan said, “you have a tip for me.”

“Yeah,” the old man said, “I do. Don’t take betting advice from strangers.“

SERENDIPITY

I like to keep the cops on their toes – give them a little something to keep them occupied; nothing of much consequence, but a steady stream of minor crime to tie up their resources and embroil them in paperwork. Because whilst they’re distracted by the small things, it keeps them off my back, and me off the radar.

So I lower myself to the occasional break in, the odd burglary and casual mugging, tying up police resources, time and energy.

They never realise that it’s only the tip of the iceberg.

Below which lies blackmail, extortion, torture and murder!

TOM

A 100 years ago my grandfather attached to the 2nd division was fighting in the Belleau Woods. His division met up with the 5th Marines. They moved on Hill 142. In the middle of this a jarhead from NY starts talking about what he’s going to do when he gets home. Pretty normal practice. “Hey Kosick, got a tip for you. ATnT.” A Year later my grandfather’s a junior accountant in the ATT Chicago office buying ATT stocks pennies on the dollar. Didn’t work out a well for my other grandfather, who lost his shirt trying to corner the wheat market.

DANNY

Dad flinches as the tip of the dialysis needles are placed in his arm. “Get me out of here,” he laments, not understanding he still has over 2 hours left on the dialysis machine. The fidget monster sits restless, irritable, and discontent in a persistent state of wide awake stupid, not knowing the date or where he is. I sit with him for the full duration of treatment to prevent him from getting up and tearing the needles out his arm. When Dialysis is over, I take a content Dad home, because he is unable to remember where he has been.

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda ran and hugged her scowling father.
When she looked back, Billbert tipped his head and said, “See ya Friday.”
On his way home, he pictured the shreds of plastic in his pocket and said, “Fly.”
Nothing happened.
Standing in his kitchen, he held the shreds in his hand and said, “Fly.”
The plastic only settled to the floor.
He threw the remains of the bag into the garbage beneath the sink.
“Fly in there,” he muttered.
To his surprise, something behind the garbage can buzzed.
“Fly?” he asked.
The exposed tip of a white plastic grocery bag fluttered wildly.

JON

A Titanic Romance

By

Jon DeCles

The trouble with the tip was that it was going to tip the balance of what was in his wallet in favor of his not being able to afford the ride home. He could walk her from the restaurant to her house, and walk from there to the subway, but he could not walk to Germantown where he was living, a distance practicably reachable only by train.

If he didn’t tip the waitress he would be a schmuck, which would tip Mary off to the fact that he was out of work. Hope punctured by the tip of the iceberg.

PLANET Z

Back in college, I had a summer job delivering pizzas.
I could have been a pizza maker, but it was summertime in a building with one wall unit air conditioner and a huge pizza oven.
Better to risk getting attacked or robbed.
Besides, that’s how you got the tips, right?
The store had a computer to track customers and orders.
And if they were good tippers or not.
The owner didn’t like it when we tracked tips, so we disguised them in the fax number field.
Nobody ever faxed in an order. Heck, we didn’t even have a fax machine.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Danny
• Lizzie
• Richard
• Zackmann
• Jeffrey
• Charlie Lacrosse
• Jon
• Tom
• Serendipity
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

DANNY

Doc was cursed with having the remainder of his troupe of elves as test subjects. Grumpy in a rage had to be put down, Happy was manic and had to be strapped down, Sleepy has been in a coma for over 9 1/2 weeks, Bashful is scared and won’t come out of the closet, and Sneezy hemorrhaged to death from a nosebleed after an allergy attack. “I’ll never find a cure for Snow White,” Doc lamented. So, when Prince Charming dislodged the poison apple from Snow White’s throat, the story became “Snow White and the Five Dwarfs.” Walt Disney was not amused.

LIZZIE

Sneezy Tom went to the bookshelf and picked up a book.
“Wanna hear a story?”
Grumpy Doc nodded.
“But read a happy story.”
“Doc, what’s a happy story?”
Grumpy Doc turned to look at him, frowning.
“Something that ends well.”
“Then I have to grab another book. This won’t do.”
With the second book in hand, Sneezy Tom started reading.
“… and the two lived happily ever after, her head chopped off and stored in a jar.”
“That’s happy?!”
“Yes, my wife drives me crazy. It’s a shame I can’t do this…”

RICHARD

#1 – Grumpy

There’s one thing that’s guaranteed to put me in a grumpy mood: Dealing with jerks who are perfectly happy going through life acting eternally dopey.

The sleepy heads who sit at green lights, seemingly unaware that it’s no longer red… Only moving, thanks to the blast on my horn behind them.

Or the parents of sneezy, dribbling, mucus-encrusted kids, who think it’s cute to parade them in public; and all those around them, too bashful to tell them to wipe those snotty noses.

“Take one of these, three times daily” said the doc.

It worked… Now I’m the dopey one!

#2 – Twist in the tale

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves… At least, that’d how it used to be. Now, in these days of rampant political correctness, we can’t have any of that.

It’s ‘vertically challenged, differently-abled people’, and – thanks to racial equality – she’s now ‘a person of non-ethnically definable skin tone’.

As for ‘Snow’, forget it: Acknowledging climate change dictates she’s now ‘Seasonally typical precipitate’.

We can’t even keep the ‘Seven’, since it’s offensive to Roman numerals. And hexadecimal. And octal. So instead, we’re stuck with ‘fixed numerical quantity’.

And just wait until you see how they’ve butchered the poor dwarves’ names!

ZACKMANN

I was very surprised to find a real dragon at the cherry blossom festival. I was not sure if when it picked me up and started flying me over the city, it was being friendly or just taking me home to be eaten by its family.

It was grumpy when my body’s involuntary act due to all that pollen in the air snottified its talons causing me to ooze off, I was relieved it decided not to come back for me.

That is why I have decided not to start a career in the foodservice industry. I’m just too sneezy.

JEFFREY

Look on the Bright Side of Life
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Why do you have to be so grumpy all the time?” Susan asked her husband.

“I’m not grumpy, I’m just particular in my likes and dislikes,” Mark replied.

She rolled her eyes. “Just this morning you complained about the toast being burned, how Junior parked his car too close to yours, and how the neighbors started mowing too early. Is there anything you feel happy about?”

He thought for a while. “I suppose I’m happy nothing bad has happened to the house this week. Oh, and that I still have a job.”

Susan smiled. “Good. For a while I was concerned you had nothing. Well, keep those things in mind. We have a meeting with Junior’s guidance counselor in fifteen minutes. And I changed the chores list so that you’ll be making breakfast from now on. And I convinced the Smiths that eight a.m. was too early to start mowing, so he agreed to do it after dark.”

Susan took secret pleasure at the scowl on Mark’s face that stayed in place the rest of the day.

CHARLIE

My name is Doc. I took the name when I got my Ph.D. from an online school. Since I moved into an elder care facility, I’ve made some acquaintances with several of the residents, including all of the Greenley brothers. Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful and Sneezy.

Grumpy was grumpy because of his persistent double vision, preventing him from driving. Happy was doped up, Sleepy was addicted to Halcion, Dopey gobbled downers like M&Ms. Bashful was on the autism spectrum and Sneezy had bad allergies.

We made up word games and created a chart for Santa’s reindeer. It’s listed, below.

#2

Name of Reindeer Trait(s) Special Skills

Dasher

He loves to go fast!

Sewing and knot tying

Dancer

Completely extroverted

All kinds of dance
including pole dancing

Prancer

A bit vain, though affectionate

Prancing and cross
dressing

Vixen

Slightly tricky, slightly sneaky.

Magic and slight of hoof

Comet

Handsome and easy-going,
flirtatious.

Good with kids and
close to Scout Leaders

Cupid

Affectionate satyr.

Bringing people together

Donner

Loud

Singing in choirs

Blitzen

Goes down on himself

Can electrify others
with RV batteries

Rudolph

A little down on himself

Nose glows. Drinking

Olive

Admits when she’s wrong

Good at hide-and-go-seek

and fellatio

JON DE CLES

A Fairy Tale

By

Jon DeCles

Cole Black looked like his Daddy, so his Momma sent him with her new boyfriend to hunt drugs and told boyfriend to kill the kid. Cole got away, small kid, delicate, met some big muscle boys name Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, and Sneezy (‘cause of the cocaine). He figure he put out, they protect him.

Momma found him, done up like a Mary Kay lady, shared her poisoned chitlins with him, best he ever had: he went to sleep.

Muscle boys find him, put him in a glass box, sit around praying. Ain’t heard yet that Prince is dead.

TOM

Do No Harm

Doc had finish this second rotation. Linda found him in the break room stuff in a chair. “Sleepy?” she inquired. Doc opened one eye and raised a hand to his temple. Hand never quite got there. Eye flutter shut. Linda got a blanket and pillow from housekeeping. Tucked him in. Made her way back to ER. It was a full moon, there would be plenty of customers. When he woke the sun was about to arriving or about to departing. He couldn’t tell if it was dawn or dusk. Didn’t really matter. Long as the coffee flowed he was good.

SERENDIPITY

You are feeling sleepy, drifting away, eyes slowly closing; entering the realm of dreams; your happy place.

But tonight, it won’t be your happy place – it will be mine. A space filled with fear and pain, a space filled with anger and hate, a space of infinite darkness.

Tonight, you will dream, but only nightmares – horrors from to run from in terror, then wake screaming, drenched in cold sweat.

And you will scrabble to turn on the light.

And then, when the darkness clears.

I will still be there: Reaching out to you from the foot of your bed.

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda’s face went bright right, though she looked happy.

“What’s the matter?” Billbert asked as they headed up the street.

She fiddled with her cat-ear headphones and shrugged. “I’m usually too bashful to talk to people I don’t know.”

“Linoliamanda is unusual,” Billbert said. “Is it a family name?”

“No. My father sells floor coverings and my mother wanted to name me something French. Here’s my house.”

A van pulled up with the words, ‘Carpet Doc’ on the side. An angry looking man climbed out.

“There’s my dad,” Linoliamanda said. “Don’t worry. He just looks grumpy.”

“Sure thing,” Billbert muttered.

PLANET Z

Obama said that if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.
Well, he lied. And he lied about medical costs going down, insurance premiums going down… he lied about everything.
It’s so bad, you know Doc from the Seven Dwarves?
Instead of dealing with the bullshit, he retired.
Happy stopped getting his pills, became grumpier than Grumpy.
Dopey went through withdrawal and stabbed Bashful.
Sneezy stopped getting allergy treatments.
And Sleepy?
Well, that was a side effect of the chemical castration regimen he was on.
Snow White had to brain him with a skillet to maintain her virtue.