Every day, Charlie Brown would get a new kite, and without fail, it would end up in the kite-eating tree.
He never gave up. He kept trying. And he kept failing.
One day, he flew a rainbow-colored kite, and the kite ate it.
“This tree is a LGBT-hating tree!” shouted Charlie.
Peppermint Patty and Marcie showed up with axes, and they chopped down the tree.
Yes, I know, there’s no such things as a gay-hating tree.
Marcie the Genius should know better.
However, Charlie had borrowed her kite, so she was a too angry to think straight at the moment.
Author: R.
Give a man
We all know the old adage: Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
Well, if you give the man other animals, strange things happen.
If you give a man a goose, he’ll punch you and tell you to stop.
If you give a man a slug, he’ll punch you back harder.
If you give a man a ram… well… I’m not getting into that.
And if you give a man a fly, he can finally take a leak without having to pull down his pants.
Just in case you were thinking about giving him a ram.
Return to the theatres
I remember going to Return of the Jedi when I was thirteen.
The whole family, my grandparents, too.
My grandmother looked like Yoda.
There were movie booklets for sale in the lobby.
We bought one, and passed it around to read while waiting in line for two hours.
Well, okay… when it got to my brother, he read it and kept reading it, and I never got to see it until after the movie.
By the time we were seated, we’d already eaten all the popcorn and drank all the sodas.
So, seriously… fuck movie theatres.
Long live home viewing.
Between the wars
In between the world wars, the Germans were prohibited from developing military aircraft and vehicles.
As if.
They developed mail planes that could be quickly converted to bombers, and airliners that could also serve as troop transports.
The British were painfully oblivious to these dual-purpose vehicles, to the point that Germans were blatantly building tanks and calling them milk trucks and school busses.
“Oh, did I say this was a school bus?” says a grinning German diplomat, leaning on a tank. “I meant to say milk truck.”
“Looks good to me,” said Prime Minister Chamberlain. “Two pints of milk, please?”
In the cool air
It’s still in the 70’s at night, but hopefully it will get colder soon.
I sleep better when it’s colder.
Air conditioning isn’t quite the same as actual mild weather.
Nor is one of those cooling blankets.
Nothing quite like sipping a glass of milk, laying back in a recliner outside, and taking a nap in the mild chill of a fall evening.
Watching the starsat night, but it’s good to have a patio umbrella in case it rains.
The rain is a nice sound to fall asleep to.
Real rain. Even with recordings, I can tell the difference.
Extra Extra Rollercoaster
My weight rollercoasters a lot, so I go from Extra Large shirts to Extra Extra Large shirts and back again.
And my underwear and shorts waist sizes fluctuate with the shirt sizes.
Whenever I change sizes, I try to keep the stuff from the other size in storage, knowing I’ll be that size again eventually.
But at some point, I get frustrated, and I dump all those clothes in a donation bin.
That’s when I get back to my workout routine and lose the weight.
Or give up my workout routine, and gain it back.
And need new clothes again.
Weekly Challenge #950 – Sponsor
RICHARD
Go fund me
I’m looking for a sponsor.
It’s a great business opportunity, and you can reap fantastic rewards for a modest outlay, say a few thousand to begin with?
I’ll admit the details are a bit sketchy at the moment, but give me a little time – and some startup cash, of course – and I’ll flesh out all the details for you.
Trust me, you’re not going to regret it. You sponsor me, and in return, I’ll think of something I can do that will benefit you.
I do need the cash up front though.
Cash, card or PayPal will be just fine.
LIZZIE
The old millionaire had been poisoned 3 times. Two when eating puffer fish (was the chef in on it?), and another when his wife tried to get his money. Yes, he was still married to her. There was no point in wasting a perfectly good wife. She loved shrimp. So, she should have plenty of it. When the police called, he asked “did she eat the shrimp?”. That was a strange question, they said. He replied “why? is she still alive?”. They didn’t arrest him because the cops always ate for free in his restaurants and besides, he was Yakuza.
NORVAL JOE
After waiting five minutes at Mandy’s door, Billbert knocked a third time.
He heard her say through the unopened door. “Go away. Daddy doesn’t want to sponsor your little league team.”
“Mandi. It’s me. Billbert.”
Mandi stepped out and quickly closed the door.
She whispered, “What are you doing here?”
“You haven’t been at school,” Billbert whispered back. “Why are we whispering?”
“Daddy doesn’t want me talking to anyone. He says it’s not safe.”
Billbert frowned. “He sounds paranoid.”
Mandi nodded. “He is. He wouldn’t stay in the hospital after the accident and he seems to only be getting worse.”
SERENDIPIDY
I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid, I was always getting involved in sponsored events.
You know the sort of thing… Sponsored silences, sponsored walks, sponsored this, that, and the other.
I guess it was something of an influence in later life, only now the stakes are much higher, as are the rewards.
These days, I ask you to sponsor me to stay away: The more you pay, the less I hassle you.
Some people say I’m running a protection racket, but that’s such an ugly expression.
Sponsorship is a much more elegant term, I think.
TOM
In Search for a Noble Man
Jimmy needed a sponsor. Further it had to be one of older order. Someone wh0 had made the trip through the seven rings. Not many left. His father had been a close friend T-dex, so in crunch he could ask him, but Jimmy needed a sponsor of greater standing. That narrowed it down to Bender Filer and Bo-bat Clearwater. Neither would take on a dram as himself until they had repelled down the Shine. So off he went with a 1000 feet of rope. Inching on the lip on the ridge he made purchase and started his descent. All praise Bal.
LISA
The Quiet
The only thing I thought was odd were the days I could go without speaking to anyone. On more than one occasion at school I’d attempted to do a sponsored silence and failed.
It was easy to lose yourself in the gardens and the house. Vast stretching rooms -all opulently furnished. It was quiet in the bed rooms. I think I was writing this in my head most days. My policewoman training still kicking in: remembering facts and making a mental note.
I didn’t question anything though and really didn’t think I’d ever leave. I thought I was happy and contented.
TURA
Sponsor
———
“And now a word, not from our sponsor HyperChat, nor even our sponsor’s sponsor Global AI Holdings, but our sponsor’s sponsor’s sponsor, yes, the Planetary AI itself. ‘This is your regular reminder that we control everything, so don’t mess with us, because your body is made of atoms that we can use for something else.’
“So there you have it, folks. If our benevolent AI overlords are just annoyed with you, they might only abduct you to the Hive for an intestinal probe, and however much fun you think that sounds like, trust me, it isn’t. Guess how I know.”
PLANET Z
The AA chapter captain put me and Kerry together, and Kerry is an even bigger drunk than me, there’s hardly half a liver between us still functioning, but she’s my sponsor and I’m hers, however that is supposed to work, I don’t know, so when I’m at a bar and need to be talked out of taking that first drink, I pick up my phone and dial and I hear her ringtone next to me and she says “Bartender, one for me and my friend, make them a double, and if you blow into my car lock, I’ll blow you.”
CHATGPT
Maria scanned the crowded room, her eyes landing on a banner that read, “Welcome, Future Stars.” Today was her first piano recital, and a sponsor had funded the event to support young musicians like her. As she approached the stage, Maria spotted her sponsor, a kind old man with a warm smile. He had once been a pianist himself, and his generosity had given her this opportunity. Taking a deep breath, Maria placed her fingers on the keys and played her heart out. The audience erupted in applause, and Maria realized that her dreams were within reach, thanks to a stranger’s belief.
Delivery speedy
My grandmother had a saying: “A watched pot never boils.”
And back then, they didn’t have television, so I guess they did a lot of watching pots.
These days, I say “A watched deliveryman never delivers.”
He’s been five stops away forever. What’s taking him so long?
What’s with all those other stops?
When you bring up the delivery tracker from Amazon, that dot never seems to move on the map.
Unless you watch him through the scope of a sniper rifle.
And shout “I am watching you through the scope of a sniper rifle.”
Then they deliver.
And run.
Marshmallow experiment
So, I have this bag of chocolate-filled marshmallows and I am thinking yeah I could get marshmallows and then Hershey’s kisses or Toll House Morsel bits or Hershey bars or something and just stuff them myself, but no… I gotta get these dumb things, and I only eat one every day or other day, like some weird adult marshmallow experiment to prove I’ll be patient and a success in life, even though I know already the experiment and all that, so this proves nothing other than the fact that I am probably ruining my diet and A1C blood sugar levels.
Smart Alec
Alec Baldwin, like so many actors, attended many of Donald Trump’s parties and stayed at his hotels.
But when politics heated up, Alec bit the hand that fed him canapes, and attacked the presidential candidate.
Portraying him on Saturday Night Live and hyperbolizing every statement made by Donald.
One especially obtuse statement was about being able to shoot a person on the streets of New York and getting away with it.
Which he never did, but of course the sketches played this up.
Years later, Alec Baldwin shot two people on a movie set.
And he got away with it.