Author: R.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Munsi
• Jeffrey
• Richard
• Tom
• Serendipity
• Marv
• Lizzie
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

MUNSI

On Royal Headwear
By Christopher Munroe

I’m no king, but I own a crown.

Because it’s 2016, crowns are readily available for purchase, I wanted one and fuck you, that’s why.

I’ll never lead a nation, but a crown’s something I could make happen, and I deserve to have things that bring me joy.

So I bought it.

Now I own it.

And when I feel down and need to be picked up, I take it out and put it on, and wearing it does make me feel a little better.

And I’ll tell you right now, for the record: I absolutely fucking crush that crown.

JEFFREY

Strategy
by Jeffrey Fischer

The Devil, to stave off boredom, wanted new ways to take souls. He turned to chess. So many suckers thought they had skill at the game. He roamed the boards in Central Park, challenging the players.

Clyde looked like just another homeless black man with a substance-abuse problem. But Clyde had studied the game for years and readily accepted the Devil’s challenge, on one condition: one move per day. The Devil agreed.

Clyde had a plan. When he castled, protecting his king in a corner, the Devil understood this time he was the sucker. The game was a draw, playing out one day at a time. That was over 50 years ago, and Clyde is still going strong. And yes, the Devil is bored.

Looking Back
by Jeffrey Fischer

For eons, Elvis found the afterlife fascinating, but even infinite variety dulls eventually. He decided to find out how he was remembered on Earth. Michael Jackson begged him not to look, but the King could never think of Michael as anything but the kid singer in the Jackson 5.

On the whole, Elvis was happy how things turned out: millions of record sales, Graceland was a shrine to his legacy, and even the imitators in rhinestone-studded jumpsuits were somehow endearing.

But… peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Who in his right mind would think Elvis actually liked that crap? Only Yankees, who thought a Southern boy, no matter how rich, could have no decent palate. He slapped those ingredients together once, when he nothing better in the house. Only a quart of whiskey made the sticky mess go down.

RICHARD

#1 – The Gospel According to Norman: The wise king

There was once a wise king.

His wisdom and fairness was famed throughout the kingdom and people would come from far and wide seeking his guidance on disputes of every kind. The king’s days were long, but the people prospered.

It came to pass that two women came to the court, bringing with them a baby. Both claimed the child was theirs and neither would relent, and so it fell to the king to adjudicate.

Sighing, the king called for his sword and, as the onlookers gasped in horror, fell upon it and died.

He just couldn’t take the pressure.

#2 – King Size

I don’t like to complain about old-fashioned measurements, but there’s a lot to be said for standardisation.

Whilst you lucky folks in the rest of the world get to stuff yourselves to the point of bursting on your king size burger, fries, and enormous sodas, I barely have enough to sate my hunger.

You lounge away the nights in your king size beds, whilst I freeze in a bed that’s simply not big enough.

In fact, everything described as ‘king size’ around these parts is tiny in comparison.

That’s the problem when your king is a twelve-inch ruler!

TOM

King For A Day

Timmy wasn’t the sharpest tools in the shed. So it wasn’t much of a surprise when he entered the King for a Day Contest. “What the heck,” he said. Winning hands down the good subjects of Licktenrubal looked forward to the day after King Timmy’s rein, preparing for a good laugh at his expense. Oddly on coronation day Timmy was nowhere to be found. Soldiers, sheriffs, and the greater number of Lintenrubians scoured the countryside searching for Timmy. Tired and dejected they returned to the castle to find the Royal Treasury looted. Seems Timmy wasn’t as dim as he seemed.

The Day I Didn’t Meet the King

It does not take much raw material for the fates to weave the smallest of lives into the backdrop of history. A Jesuit father ends up in New France in the 1600s. He rows his canoe through the swap that will become the future site of the 2nd city. The civil leaders of the city name a park in his honor. Since the name of the park is the same as my family’s name we would often picnic there. In Aug 1966 the Rev King marched through the park as I watched the hate rise. He looked pretty damn scared

In Plain Sight
For those who are fond of riddles I have the following. A man who was born a king but never abdicated a crown to become President of the United States. Sounds pretty Da Vinci Code: a Pope interred. All whimmly wobbly, which is one hint to his identity. He sat in judgement on a bullet which defied the laws of physics. Here’s a second: He weathered the attack of two assassins. But not that of his political rival, which is your third. When you’ve secured his name please post it to the comment area. You are a king among men

SERENDIPITY

Once a king, always a king, they say – but not if I have anything to do with it.

You may be a big shot in your country: Prime minister, president, dictator, prince or queen – to me, you’re just another day’s work.

I don’t care who you are, or how important you may be, as long as I’m paid the going rate, you’re a target, and I will bring you down to size using whatever means I have.

Poison, bullet, blade or bludgeon – your status won’t help.

You’ll die.

And I’ll live…

Once an assassin, always an assassin!

MARV

The King Is Dead

The King is dead, long live the King!

The Chamberlin made the official royal announcement in a loud and clear voice to members of the royal court of the pasting of long reigning King John Quincy Marcus IV and of Prince Charles becoming King Charles William David VIII.

As he ascended to the throne, King Charles became acknowledged absolute ruler of 20 million subjects in the tiny county of Lilliput.

What a week it has been for now King Charles, beginning on Monday he went to his first day of kindergarten and then, only three days later, He’s the King.

LIZZIE

The kids made fun of Bernie whenever he said “I’m a King.”
What he meant was he belonged to the old local King family, although he wasn’t called “King”.
Bernie was, however, proud of his heritage and no one would convince him otherwise.
Fresh out of College, a distant cousin called Harold King introduced him to the right people.
When Bernie came back for his high-school reunion, the kids sure didn’t make fun of him when he said “I’m a king!”
He had married into a European royal family and had become king, only in title, but still a king.

MORVAL JOE

Monkey Boy rounded the penguin pool, shot past the tiger pen, hurried out the service gate and onto the main boulevard through the east side of his city. Two thoughts raced through his head as he dodged pedestrians and ginkgo trees spaced every twenty feet in the sidewalk: What did Pole Cat and her crew want from him, and how long would it take for them to catch up with him?
He ducked through the back door of the Chicken King restaurant and slipped into the storage room.
A woman turned around and shouted, “Mickey. You’re late for your shift.”

PLANET Z

You probably know about Queen Latifah, the soul singer and actress, but was there ever a King Latifah?
Yes. Yes, there was.
But as with Latifahs, the queen bites the king’s head off after mating.
No, Queen Latifah doesn’t have any kids. Sadly, the mating was unsuccessful.
And even if she did have kids, she’d just have eaten them, right?
Except for one, who she’d raise as her princess.
Only upon her death would the princess be allowed to consume the royal jelly necessary to transform her into the next Queen.
But, let’s face it: She’d probably get eaten first.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Munsi
• Jeffrey
• Richard
• Tom
• Aubrey
• Serendipity
• Lizzie
• Marv
• Norval Joe
• Tura
• Planet Z

MUNSI

Your Guide
By Christopher Munroe

Let your conscience be your guide…

Unless you’re in a foreign country in which case, I can’t stress this enough, hire an actual guide.

Guides know the local spots you’d want to see, the best destinations, best restaurants, wherever you go guides can help you get the most out of your trip.

Plus, they’ll keep you from getting lost. And, if you’ve travelled somewhere where you don’t speak the language, that’s not inconsiderable.

So hire a guide and don’t skimp on the price. The expense is worth it.

And when it comes to tipping: Let your conscience be your guide…

JEFFREY

Human Kindness
by Jeffrey Fischer

I watched the blind man use his cane to tap his way along the subway platform. He had trouble finding the escalator, so two young men helped guide him to the right spot. I followed the trio as they made their way into the station. The men helped their new friend through the station and into the bus depot.

I entered the depot just in time to hear the blind man thank the men and ask to be pointed toward the ticket counter. My colleagues moved in closely, screening the blind man from any prying eyes, while I robbed the man of his wallet and cell phone.

It’s so great helping the blind: you’re confident that the police won’t have a description of the robbers.

The Great American Novel
by Jeffrey Fischer

John had quit his job to write the Great American Novel that he knew lived inside him. He laid out a dozen sharpened pencils, unpacked a ream of paper, and was ready to start. He guided a sheet of paper into his Selectric – no word processor for him, only classic technology! – and sat until inspiration struck.

Three hours later, he reviewed his work: a handful of incoherent nouns and verbs, sometimes both in the same sentence, with the occasional random adjective. Word count: 100. He concluded that perhaps the novel was not his metier. He would instead write the Great American Drabble.

RICHARD

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Richard ‘
AttachmentsMar 8 (5 days ago)

to me
Hi Laurence,

Here we go again, another week, another story – still, looking on the bright side, that’s one less to do before the ultimate… erm, never mind.

Topic – ‘Ultimate’

Catch up with you at the weekend.

Regards,
Richard

The Gospel According to Norman: The Law and Love

You have heard it said The Law is your guide: Those who turn their back on the Law are cursed, but I tell you there is a better way.

The Law is good, but the enlightened should let love be their guide.

For who can doubt that whatever is pursued in love is good and blessed?

So, I tell you, follow love’s guidance and you’ll prosper… Whether love for your wife, your concubine, money and riches, or love for your neighbour’s ass – pursue it with all your heart, and all your might, no matter what the Law may say!

TOM

Paradiso

Timmy assembled his vision quest flight crew. A ceremonial magician, a Mayan shaman, and the personal secretary to the Dali Lama. His UCLA organic chemistry professor had brewed up a batch of peyote infused LSD. On Day Three his spirit guide appeared. A 12 foot crimson dragonfly named Bruce. “What do you seek?” hissed the dragon. “The edge of the vail.” Bruce’s wings rent the vail to reveal the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. “What is your name?” She drew her sword across the sand and wrote “Beatrice” “OH shit,” said Timmy and follow her into the mist.

One Less Dick

Morty hated each and every corporate retreat. Most of all he detested the trust building exercises. He squirted lighter fluid during the fire walk. Drop his partner in the backward pitch. When given the r/d encryption key he traded it for half a pack of cigarettes. He calculated his odds of being voted off the island as excellent. But the vote didn’t turn out as planned. Blind folded and cuffed Loraine of accounting guided him to the grassy knolled. The sting of the first scorpion trigger panic. Guide by the warmth of the sun he ran. Right off the cliff.

We Who Stand and Bark Also Serve
Barney was a guide dog. He was pretty good guide dog, but not particularly lucky guide dog. He was currently on his 12th owner. People just had a habit of dying on the poor dog. Wasn’t his fault. Cancer, MS, earthquakes, head on collisions. Who drowns during a hotel fire? How on earth can a scuba driver get impaled on redwoods in a Nation Forest? Then finally his luck changed. Little Judy Hunter was healthy, never left the yard and she feed him these amazing sweet brown candies. They buried Barney with the 49 Hershey wrappers. It seemed only fitting.

AUBREY

Creative writing is sort of like hiking a mountain without a guide. You will most likely meander off the beaten path, get lost along the way and they might have to call a search party.

If you’re lucky? You make it to the summit and those things only happen once or twice.

If you’re not? You’ll run into a lot of wannabe guides that think they know the right way to hike a mountain, even though they don’t own a pair of hiking shoes and they have never gotten close to a summit before.

Don’t listen to them. Keep hiking.

SERENDIPITY

We got sent on one of those team building courses to try and get us to gel. I had serious doubts that it would work.

Even so, I played along as we took part in various ridiculous exercises through the day.

After building rafts, orienteering and struggling through obstacle courses, I was fed up, so when they announced a game to ‘build trust’, I decided enough was enough.
I was expected to guide my blindfolded partner through a long forest path.

Which served to bring the day to an abrupt halt, when I guided him straight over a cliff edge!

LIZZIE

“We better throw it in the garbage,” complained Tim infuriated.
“I’ll fix it,” said Paul.
“We’ve been here for ages, Paul.”
Paul rolled his eyes and continued to work.
“Forget about it, I tell you.”
“I will fix it.”
This continued for a few hours, Paul getting more and more aggravated.
Suddenly, the thing started purring.
“See,” said Paul triumphantly.
“But it’s making an odd noise…”
Paul closed his eyes for a second, gave the thing a swift jerk and swung it at Tim.
What a shame, he hadn’t followed Tim’s words and thrown the damn saw in the garbage.

MARV

The Art of the Guide

The professor began the class by donning his white apron along with the tall chef’s hat, he then spoke.
“Today’s session more of a guide rather than a ridged rule in the art of poaching and sautéing” he began, “who can give me examples of when you sauté, as to when you want to poach?”
Hannibal, raised his hand, “I believe you’d want sauté the sweet meats of the brain in butter with a hint of garlic as compared to lightly poaching the eye balls and serving in a red sauce, Professor.”
“Excellent example Mr. Lector, excellent”, the professor beamed.

NORVAL JOE

Apparently, shocked by his sudden attack, Polecat stood frozen as Monkey Boy used her head for leverage and lept over her, dashing toward the Primate area of the zoo.
Knowing the zoo’s layout by heart, having worked the whole summer as a guide, he slipped behind the orangutan exhibit and skidded to a stop at the howler monkeys.
“Count to twenty and then let loose with all you’ve got,” he whispered before doubling back.
A half-minute later all hell broke loose in the monkey cages with hoots, howls, and screams.
He watched, hiding, as Polecat’s crew ran toward the diversion.

TURA

Guide, or, The Rectification of Names
———
The people complained against the strictness of the Laws. General Wei said, “In a well-ordered state, those above guide and those below follow.”

He replaced the Laws by Guidelines, and decreed that each citizen rightly apply them to circumstances. The Magistrates were reappointed as Inspectors, instead of trials they held inspections, and instead of punishments they made recommendations, enforced by their officers.

Henceforth, when a thief was hanged for a sack of rice, the people no longer said, “See the injustice of the law!”, but “See the injustice of this criminal!”

Thus by the rectification of names was order restored.

PLANET Z

Billy’s high school girlfriend volunteered as a tour guide to the local art museum.
Then, she dumped him. And started dating another voulteer tour guide.
Billy swore he’d have his revenge.
So, he spent all his time in the basement, working on a robotic tour guide.
The art museum would use the robot, and get rid of volunteers.
And after weeks of tinkering with gyroscoping balancing and interactive voice prompts, he made the robot.
It worked brilliantly. The art museum got rid of their volunteers.
Which gave his girlfriend and her boyfriend lots of free time.
To screw around more.