If you scare someone half to death twice, are they completely scared to death?
Of course not. Because if you scare someone half to death a second time, they’ll be three-quarters to death.
This brings up Xeno’s best-known paradox, which describes motion as a never-ending series of “You go halfway to your destination.” In the end, you never actually reach your destination.
Then he’d dance around and shout “IN YOUR FACE!” in Greek.
Because he was acting like a dick, Xeno was beaten to death by his fellow philosophers.
Not half to death. To death.
Don’t act like a dick.
Author: R.
Interesting
You’ve seen all the commercials with The Most Interesting Man In The World.
But did you know that he’s married?
You couldn’t tell from the commercials.
That’s because she’s The Least Interesting Woman In The World.
And despite the fact that she is with her husband in the commercials, she is so uninteresting, the editors cut her out of the commercial, or digitally cover her with a potted plant or a keg of beer.
Her cheating lothario of a husband stays because she’s got all the money.
And why he does the commercials. Just a few more, and he’s free.
Catcher In The Lie
A madman killed John Lennon.
Another tried to kill Ronald Reagan.
And then another attacked an actress and killed her.
They all had my book.
They all said to understand what they did, read the book.
What I put in there.
It was the truth about the phonies.
Not the evil these people did.
Their evil. They murdered. Murdered.
Not me. They.
That is the truth.
No, I have not stopped writing.
I cannot stop writing.
Writing the truth.
But I can stop publishing.
Because phonies will read my writing if I don’t.
And they will murder. They will kill.
The horse and the men
For centuries, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse owned just one horse.
This arrangement worked out great for when there was just War or Death doing on, but sometimes there were two or three of them on that horse.
Or, when things were particularly bad, all four.
Not only was the load unbearable, but as civilization spread and got more complicated, they had a lot more ground to cover.
The lone horse didn’t particularly like that arrangement, so the gang got three more horses.
Nowadays, they each have several horses. And they’ve hired a full-time vet, trainer, and stable manager.
Weekly Challenge #515 – Ring
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
CHARLIE
He held off giving Poopsie the ring. She kicked him square in the cullions for looking at another woman; asking her if he could capture the playful quality of her buttocks with his iCam. Poopsie was tough. She had a Kevlar insert in her panties. Days, she drank and watched TV, but at night, she was a cage fighter in the city. Her personality was a cross between Ronda Rousey and Golda Meir. If she was approached at the bar, she flicked a quarter into the guy’s eye and said “Why don’t you go grab yourself an ice cream, Scooter.”
#2
Lennie was finally admitted to The Ring of The Grand Vizier. Those that did not adopt the tenets of the The Ring were whipped, tortured, teased, robbed, killed, then raped. Lennie had hoped that being a member would finally get him the respect and admiration he strove for as an unpopular clerk in a large, national corporation. He wheedled and cajoled his way into the inner circle of management, and at a company party he accidentally walked in on an ad hoc meeting of The Ring. Rather than kill him on the spot, The Ring invited him into the group.
#3
The story he told to the Psychiatrist didn’t ring true. He complained that the ringing in his ears was the cause for the outbreak of violence at the Walmart store. He threw heavy objects, started fires in the lingerie section, and took off his clothes. A ring of police gathered at the exits, as a tact squad entered and drove him out. Erik was fast and powerful. He leaped from the tops of the display cases, as he evaded the police. Four officers were injured when hit with appliances, but a well-placed rubber bullet to the groin took him down.
MUNSI
On Affection, and Also on Jewelry
By Christopher Munroe
If you liked it, you should put a ring on it.
If you don’t like it, no ring.
It’s fairly simple, if you think about it it’s almost unreasonably simplistic, but it DOES make for a good rule of thumb as far as who or what is liked.
A person with a ring is liked, by at least the person with whom that ring was exchanged.
Trees? People like’em big and bigger ones have more rings.
Saturn? Well everyone likes Saturn!
I like my bathtub…
Wait…
No, I’m going to have to go back to the lab and rethink this…
JEFFREY
The Ring
by Jeffrey Fischer
I remember buying the ring, paying a small fortune for a flawless diamond on the off-chance that she’d see the flaws in a cheaper stone. I remember how nervous I was when I asked her to marry me. When the time came to flip open the box, I snagged the ring and sent it flying across the room. Fortunately, she said yes before I started hunting for it.
Now I gently removed the ring from her lifeless finger just before the undertaker closed the casket. We agreed she would be buried with her wedding ring, but I wanted to keep the diamond. After all, didn’t I just say I paid a fortune for it? I’m sure not going buy another one for my girlfriend.
Ring Around the Bathtub
by Jeffrey Fischer
I stared at the bathtub. Ring around the drain! Remember those ads for Wisk detergent, promising to rid you of “ring around the collar”? Same problem, just on porcelain. I tried a Magic Eraser, I used Comet, I scrubbed and scrubbed, but nothing worked. That damn ring mocked me.
Fine. Just fine. Time to break out the heavy weapon: industrial-strength hydrochloric acid. I gave it a little time to soak in, used a heavy cloth to rub it off, and the stain came right out. Success! I vowed that would be the last time I cut up a body in my own bathtub. Next time, I’ll use the neighbor’s. After all, he wouldn’t be needing it any longer.
RICHARD
#1 – One Ring
Unbelievably, the hobbit’s ploy worked!
Distracted by the gold scattered amongst the undergrowth, the dragon halted its chase, and Boggins crawled away unnoticed.
Of his companions, there was no sign, and he was forced to conclude that they’d left him for dead.
With night drawing in, he found a small cave to hide in and cowered in the darkness, lamenting his loss…
No friends, no hope, and – thanks to the dragon – no gold either.
Thrusting his hands in his pockets, he was surprised to touch metal – all that was left of his treasure: a single gold ring.
#2 – Stella
It had been a thoroughly enjoyable business lunch. Right from the moment Stella was introduced to me, we hit it off big-time.
Not only was she Metrotronics’ best sales manager, she was witty, intelligent and drop dead gorgeous.
Business took a back seat as we flirted madly all evening. Then, as she was leaving, she slipped me a napkin upon which she’d written her number and the words, ‘Ring me’.
When I called, I was in for a hell of a shock: She threatened to nail me for sexual harassment unless I signed the deal!
I signed, of course.
#3 – Romantic Gesture
I wanted something special to celebrate our marriage, so I watched a YouTube instructional for making a ring from a coin.
It wasn’t straightforward – I no workshop tools, so I had to buy them.
I also needed somewhere secret to work, so I rented a workshop.
I went through a few coins too – dozens really. Eventually the exercise had cost me more than buying a ring straight out!
However the glow of pride I felt when I presented my fiancee with my efforts was completely ruined by her response.
“Cheapskate! You couldn’t even buy me a proper ring!”
#4 – Alien
The old guy’s story was implausible, but it did have the ring of truth to it.
He certainly had the military background, and the details we’d been able to research checked out.
It was the crazy stuff that was harder to believe: I’ve heard some hair-brained Area 51 stories, but this was nuts.
Experiments to develop hybrid alien world leaders? Alien DNA infiltrating the corridors of power? An out of control alien intelligence disguised as human, poised for world domination?
Too crazy to be true, yet the evidence was there – an out of control alien, masquerading as human: Trump!
#5 – Dream Job
My first job was almost a dream come true: International travel to destinations most people haven’t even heard of, excitement, adventure and the thrill of never knowing where each day might take you.
My colleagues were an eclectic and interesting bunch of every nationality, and although many were extremely demanding and didn’t suffer fools gladly, they were – without exception – experts in their field, highly motivated and successful individuals.
Then there was the knowledge that you really were making a difference in people’s lives – such a great feeling.
Best job I’ve ever had… Working for the drugs ring.
AUBREY
After a few weeks of busy-ness I’m back. Here’s my story for this week:
We live in an age where everyone is expected to be available at the drop of a hat, but I try not to take that for granted.
I mean, I get it. I do. We’re self absorbed beings that care more about Candy Crush than the person across the table from us. Sometimes, at least.
But thirty years ago, my mom lived thousands of miles from her family, it took several steps and a couple weeks to send a picture of her newborn baby.
Now, the phone rings and she can instantly see her granddaughter, thanks to that soul-sucking technology.
SERENDIPITY
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
Just let it ring.
Do not pick up; or do you?
It’s the ultimate catch 22 dilemma…
Your rescuers have your number – they’re making the call. All you have to do is pick up, answer and tell them where you are. Simple.
But, if you pick up the phone, the explosive charge will be triggered and the whole room – with you inside – becomes a raging fireball.
And if you do nothing?
Nothing happens… Nobody will find you, no food, no water, no hope.
So, what’s it going to be?
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
LIZZIE
Silver with a red stone, thought Marcus. She liked red.
The shopkeeper was extremely friendly, however none of the rings appealed to Marcus. He wanted something different.
“Well,” said the man. “I have one here that is very special. It’ll make her young and beautiful forever. But it comes with a special price too.”
“What’s the price? I’ll pay.”
When he left the store, five of his fingers and an ear were gone.
He should’ve noticed those small jars on the shelf behind the counter. It turned out the man was a collector of body art, as he put it.
PLANET XRAY
The Ring of Pluto
The ring around Pluto is hardly noticeable, which is the way the Empire’s Zoological Commission wants it. Originally the ring acted as a bright beacon to travelers that this was an open system to all commerce and travelers, ripe for exploitation. But after several thousands of years of being this way, the Empire closed it down when a group of engineers started to experiment on and raised the intelligence level of the native inhabitants of the third planet in the system.
Now, only occasional sightseeing tours are allowed to visit the planet and then only with a Commission representative onboard.
TOM
Ring One
The jeweler was amazed. “Silver rings just don’t last that long.” “Must have been held together by love.” We purchased Gail’s moon stone engagement ring from Willow when all our hair was a different color. Gail never cared much for diamonds, though I would have gladly laid down the cash for one. She said she wanted a stone the glow warmth and not a cold rock of ice. So we had new ring cast in gold. A dozen interlock bird in a proper Celtic pattern. The silver ring went into the cherry wood box alongside my grandmother and grandfather rings
RingU
I don’t normally go in for horror film, but the Japanese film Ringu somehow got under my radar. It was pretty damn creepy. And just when you thought you had it all figured out, wrong. I was so impressed by the film that I googled the author Koji Suzuki. On his web site you could preorder the American translation through Vertical, Inc. I was the first American to read the book and first to write a review. The book was way scary then the film. Had nightmare for month. Gave the book to my friend, he had nightmares for a month.
Rhine Gold
Everyone has heard parts of it, few have the endurance to make it through the whole cycle. Richard Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen is long, realllllly long. And it’s in German. I don’t speak German. So it came as a surprise that the video of the New York Met’s Spartan stage production in the 90’s was so mesmerizing. I sat glue to the screen as Brünnhilde is slowly surround by the Magic Fire. The last time the SF opera did the ring I was teaching a full load. The next time I will be a man of cum dignitate otium.
NORVAL JOE
Monkey Boy crouched, ready to spring as his enemy circled around him.
The power of the monkey paw was one thing, and he wouldn’t hesitate to use it if there were only a few. There were a few too many and they moved in to form tightly around him.
“Pole Cat,” he shouted. “I know you’re out there. I can smell you a mile away.”
The ring broke open to admit the girl; petite, attractive and odoriferous.
“You’d never hurt a girl,” she laughed.
“Don’t be so sure about that,” he said, raising a paw, but then suddenly leaped forward.
TURA
Ring
———
Welcome to Phone, the phone you’ve always wanted!
It’s designed as a heavy table ornament, so you never have to awkwardly fish it out of your pocket. It literally rings with a mechanical bell, not a feeble, tinny beep. Its innovative user interface does away with fiddly touchscreens and buttons, replacing them with a single mechanical dial, easily used by the fattest of fingers. Use its companion apps, Notepad and Pen, to record your contacts’ details, and never have to worry about accidentally losing them. Best of all, you can leave it at home, and avoid distractions through the day!
———
PLANET Z
The last time I lost weight, I lost so much, my ring slipped off and I lost it.
I got a new ring. And it fit fine.
Until I gained all the weight back. And more.
Now my ring was too tight. But because it’s gold, it’s soft enough to gradually stretch.
But not enough.
So, I lost weight again. And it got loose again.
This time, I had it adjusted.
So, it fit just fine.
Until I gained the weight back.
Now I wear the ring on a chain around my neck.
And eat whatever the hell I want.
I was born in pizza…
These days, passwords can be hacked easily. If you use the same password everywhere, a thief can roll up all your accounts.
Thieves will also try to social-engineer the security questions. It’s not hard to look up your mother’s maiden name or the city you were born in.
A security expert says that you’re supposed to choose counter-intuitive answers to these questions, such as “Pizza” for your mother’s maiden name, or for where you were born.
Which means that the Indian at the call center will scratch their head in confusion as they sell your information to a Russian hacker.
Dance There
She said she wanted me to take her dancing, so we put on our dancing shoes and we danced all the way to the dance hall.
By the time we got to the dance hall, we were exhausted and sweaty.
“Want to dance all the way home?” I asked her, panting heavily.
“No,” she said, fanning herself with a dance card. “Call a cab.”
So, I called a cab, and we went back home.
“That’s a wrap,” I told the jazz quartet that follows us everywhere.
“Good gig,” they said. They put their instruments away and went out for coffee.
Beater
Philosophers like to ask which came first, the chicken or the egg.
But Molly wants to know which came first, the chicken-beater or the egg-beater.
“There’s no such thing as a chicken-beater,” I say. “Who’d want liquefied chicken in a milk carton?”
“I guess that means the egg-beater came first,” says Molly, grinning.
After that, I spent thousands of dollars on chicken and blenders, trying to invent the chicken-beater.
Eventually, I came up with an odd, viscous slurry of chicken meat.
McDonalds bought the patent, which is why you’ll never see me eat their McNuggets.
(I prefer to drink them.)
Basement sleeper
If I fall asleep, I will fall asleep.
And I will stay asleep until the alarm wakes me.
I don’t wake up with the sun because I put my bed in the basement. And I have a backwards schedule. I work at night, and sleep during the day.
It’s cooler down in the basement. Darker.
And when I wake up, I can run my undies through the clothes dryer so they’re nice and warm.
I have to take them off again when I go upstairs and have shower and a coffee.
And again and again at work.
But stripping’s fun.
Home Invasion
The woman upstairs is doing her Jane Fonda tape again.
She stomps around, goes for water.
Then one two one two one two.
Half an hour of that, then moving furniture back.
Four in the fucking morning.
But you get used to it, right?
I baked her a cake.
Yeah, she needs to lose weight, her doctor says, but a little won’t hurt.
She’ll burn it off.
She starts her routine again.
One two one two one.
Thud.
Try burning off the poison, bitch.
The TV stays on.
Shit. Didn’t think of that.
Maybe I’ll stay in a hotel tonight.