My coworker owns Pitbulls, and he’s always saying how the media gets them wrong.
“They’re wonderful dogs,” he says. “People just raise them to do horrible things.”
Well, he says that when he’s not telling me about the latest thing they’ve destroyed, like a door frame or feature pillows.
“But I’ve signed them up for a 6 week obedience course.”
Sure enough, six weeks later, he’s proud of his dogs.
“I’d show you the certificates, but I left them on the countertop and they chewed them to bits.”
Maybe the trainer was too scared of them to hand out Fs?
Author: R.
Clone Crime
The problem with a clone of a person murdering the original is that you’ll find only one set of fingerprints and one set of DNA markers.
So, a murder will get flagged a suicide by the automatic systems, or it will get placed in the hard cases queue.
The investigators in that queue are really good at their jobs. As if they were born to do the job.
But they weren’t born to do it.
They were grown. In tanks.
And every so often, one goes astray, and kills another.
The rest circle the wagons quickly.
Call it a suicide.
Laxatives
Using laxatives to lose weight is a bad idea.
Not only will you drain your body of essential nutrients, but you’ll damage your fragile digestive tract.
And then there’s the possibility that you’ll shit out your soul.
Most people notice when it’s slipped out. Treat it like a knocked-out tooth: keep it moist, and get to a priest. They’re in the Yellow Pages.
If you accidentally flush your soul away, that’s just too bad. Just be sure to wash your hands, and there’s plenty of jobs available to you: Wall Street banker, politician, and Department of Motor Vehicles window clerk.
John Musico – An Ounce Of Prevention
John,
M.D. that is.
An ounce of prevention, a.k.a.
Beware, the south is different…
They smile politely as your disparate ways offend them. Complaining, without invitation, is impolite. Also, you should look the part: a physician looks, speaks, dresses, even smells like one. I show up from NY, in wrinkled scrubs, smelling like an ashtray, and swearing like a dockyard guy. That patient, a Baptist preacher; was shocked by me. Further, because I didn’t ask if there was something I didn’t cover; he didn’t say, then whined I didn’t even cover his concerns. He shook my hand, smiled pleasantly… then reported me”
I’m up on charges of “conduct unbecoming”- because of that asshole preacher.
Taco Juggler
Are you the man who juggles tacos?
Because, if you are, well, I am the man who juggles burritos.
However, one day I hope to have the skill to juggle tacos. Like you do.
How do you do it without spilling anything from those taco shells?
How do you do it without breaking the shells?
And most importantly: how can you stand them?
Tacos are disgusting. Dust and flies can get in there.
At least a burrito is a closed environment. A self-contained universe of food.
But the world does not want burrito jugglers. Only taco jugglers.
Teach me, master!
John Musico – Try
John
Try
My childhood dog should’ve been named Rocky Balboa. Not a big dog, but he never lost a fight. Each jab at his opponent: small and ineffectual, however, he just kept at it. Finally the small spears in his opponent’s side mounted, and though more wounded; that mutt won again. They say try, try, and then just giving up; is wise. If it aint working out, spend your time on the easy wins. I feel that’s a rationalization not to allow yourself to prove your own inadequacy at the big wins. My dog would agree. I say; “Strive to win, always”.
Cole Porter
Cole Porter suffered a horrible horse riding accident in his thirties, and the doctors recommended that his leg be amputated.
Cole refused, and he lived in agonizing pain for years, unable to match his songwriting success from before the accident.
He eventually had his leg amputated, but Cole never wrote another song again.
The amputated leg, however, was now on its own. No longer shackled to a pill-popping sex-crazed songwriter, it went on to write many amazing songs.
The problem is, nobody could read the damn sheet music, no matter how steady the leg kept the pen between its toes.
John Musico – The Anniversary Gift Proved Telling
John
The anniversary gifts proved telling…
1 paper: that marriage certificate, so final.
2 cotton; that stuff I learned to stuff in my ears to get by.
3 leather; handy to spice up sex night.
4 silk: ends up she’d rather look elegant to women competitors.
5 wood; the consequent hopeful turgor of my member.
6 iron: as in ironing; my fun weekends.
7 wool: the stuff you pull over your eyes when she’s gettin saggy.
8 bronze: what I casted the carcass of that miserable dog in.
9 pottery: more attic stuff.
10 tin: where I tossed that marriage certificate before alimony was for life.
John Musico – Cheese
John
Cheese
Seems one question often leads to another. I asked myself; “Why does Swiss cheese have holes?”
Bacteria are what ferment milk into cheese.
The bacteria used in Switzerland fart out carbon dioxide gas as they graze which forms the bubbles.
Why then doesn’t all cheese have holes? Pretty simple really; various bacteria are used for cheese and not all of them fart gas. Strep and Lactobacillus pee lactic acid which Proprionibacteria change to Co2, and vinegar; giving Swiss it’s flavor. If you want bigger holes; use more gas bacteria, cook longer, and at higher temperatures. Hope you still enjoy cheese!
Curse upon your camel
Achmed looked around the camp and picked out the fortuneteller’s tent.
“Easy,” he grinned.
The old woman grabbed Achmed’s hand as he was stuffing his pockets with coins and jewelry.
“Stop!” she yelled. “Thief!”
Achmed stabbed her with a dagger.
“A thousand curses upon your camel!” she hissed, and she died.
“Camel?” Achmed said. “If you could truly see the future, you’d have known that I don’t own a camel.”
He mounted his horse, and rode off into the night.
When his horse struck a sleeping camel, Achmed was thrown headlong.
The old woman’s laughter and blood filled his ears.