Weekly Challenge #364 – Yes

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was YES:

And we’ve got stories by a lot of people:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of Number – Pick any number.

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post… this obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Sleepy Tin


Thomas

Don was a yes man. He worked as general manager for a large factory and distributor of pharmaceuticals. Anything the CEO or CFO asked of Don was carried out immediately, and without question. Don knew that many of the items shipped overseas or sold to large, big-block retailers was of questionable quality and composed of outdated compounds. Anything in the warehouse past the expiration date was automatically sent to India, Africa and South America. Don had no idea that a large shipment of tainted baby formula found its way into the stores, and onto the shelves of his own kitchen.
#
Steve voted yes on everything. The cause, or the proposition, mattered not. He voted yes when a petition was circulated to build a new sewer plant down the street. He voted yes when they wanted to convert his building into a VD clinic, shelter for street people and a half way house. He voted yes to raise property taxes and approve the school bond– and a big yes on the new city law that prohibited anyone to be out after sunset. Neighbors voted yes at a secret meeting to drag Steve into the woods and feed him to the bears.
#
Yes! Yes! Yes!, she exclaimed. His intense and diligent study of the literature, medical charts, illustrations, and current publications paid off. His colleague’s advice was helpful as well. Everything he heard from the crowd of Lotharios at the tavern was spot on. He was relieved, as he had been trying for months to do it right, and to please the women he was serving. He learned to take it slow, not to rush through anything, to ask, politely, for feedback, and not be selfish when he was engaged in an act as intimate as bleaching the undercarriage of stylish women.

RICHARD

#1 Ouch!
I was lucky to be alive! Even more fortunate to have crawled out from the wreckage with barely a scratch on me.

Even so, the doctor was unconvinced:

“Does it hurt here?”, he asked, prodding my stomach.

“Yes!”

“And here?”, poking each of my arms in turn.

“Yes… yes!”

“And what about here?”

“Yes – that hurts!”

He looked down at me, folded his arms and pursed his lips, and I could tell he was completely baffled.

“Could I make a suggestion?”, I offered. Bemused, he nodded.

“You could try poking me with the blunt end of that damn scalpel, instead!”

#2 Yes Men

Even monarchs can become too powerful!

Frustrated at the spineless oafs that most of his courtiers seemed to have become, he summoned his advisors to a full meeting of the Royal Council.

“How am I to run this kingdom, when surrounded by a crowd of obsequious ‘yes-men’?”, he thundered: “Get out, and find me a Council who do not fear to question me!”

Some time later, the new Council was convened – hard-nosed civil servants to a man, they challenged every policy the king proposed.

Frustrated, at their complete lack of support, he had them all executed… for insubordination.

#3 For better, for worse

“Do you love me?”, she asked.

“Yes”, he breathed in her ear.

She clasped his hand tightly, “Then let’s get married… soon!”

Still breathless and intoxicated from the frenzied passion of lovemaking, he succumbed: “Yes, let’s!”

The happy day arrived – the sun shone, everyone smiled and cried in equal measure and the bride looked radiant – and so she should, considering the small fortune that dress had cost, he thought.

They turned to face the priest.

“Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?”

He looked into her eyes realising that all along, he’d meant to say ‘no’.

#4 Decision
George had often wondered how he might cope if ever faced with a life-changing choice, such as the one he now faced. Now the time had come, the realisation dawned that he was hopelessly inadequate and nothing like the action hero he’d dreamed he’d be.

His instinct told him to leave the hospital, but saying yes to his inner prompting would mean facing unknown horrors.

Commonsense told him to stay put was folly – there was no guarantee of safety here – but he wasn’t yet ready to meet his destiny.

Time to leave? – Yes.

But not just yet… maybe tomorrow.

JEFFREY

Executive Level
by Jeffrey Fischer

Bob the investment banker was a yes-man. He knew it, and learned to live with himself. His bosses all knew it, and liked to keep Bob close to confirm the wisdom of their decisions.

“Nothing risky about these real estate derivatives, right, Bob?” one boss asked in 2007. “Yes, sir, good investment!”

“If the government backs this Solyndra company, why, that’s good enough for us!” said another boss in 2011. “Absolutely, sir, and may I say that tie looks very smart on you.”

Even after the shareholder lawsuit, the SEC investigation, and the short prison stay, Bob was his loyal self. “Gee, sir, an orange jumpsuit really flatters you.”

Peer Pressure
by Jeffrey Fischer

“No.”

“Please, Jessica, pretty please?” I hated the pleading sound in my voice. When you’re sixteen, sounding manly is important, especially when talking to your first serious girlfriend, and I was failing badly.

“No.”

“It’s really important to me.”

“I’m sure it is. And the answer is still no.”

“It’ll be my first time and your first time. I’ve read up on it, so I know exactly what to do.”

“No.”

“I promise, I won’t tell anyone. No one has to find out.”

“I don’t believe you. Anyway, I’ll know. Why should I feel bad about myself just to please you? So, no.”

“That’s your final answer? You won’t play Dungeons and Dragons with me?”

“Yes.”

LIZZIE

“The Art of Conversation” sat on the shelf for years. When Sean grabbed it, the bookstore owner smiled.
“Are you interested in a nice conversation?”
“No, just browsing.”
“That book is fascinating,” continued the owner. “I’ll sell it to you cheap!”
“No, not interested. I prefer, say… Shakespeare.”
“But this book will teach you a lot!”
Sean laughed, handing the book back to the owner. “I don’t think so!” And he left.
The owner turned around and placed the old book right next to Shakespeare’s Complete Works, which was marked “Free, to anyone who says YES once during a conversation!”

MUNSI

Optimism

By Christopher Munroe

It’s my negativity that’s dragging me down, and I’ll have no more of it!

Starting tomorrow I’ll approach each day with buoyant optimism. Where once I was negative, I’ll be positive, where once I was defeatist I’ll charge forward to face my challenges head on.

Yes, yes will be my battle-cry, yes! And I believe in my heart that with this new outlook there’s nothing I can’t do!

I’ll prove as much the moment my alarm goes off tomorrow.

Will I hit snooze? Yes!

Will I go back to sleep? Yes!!!

And by God, I won’t let anyone stop me!!!

TURA

How Gunnar said yes to Helgi
——————————————-

Helgi went a-viking, then overwintered in Denmark. When he returned, he put his finest saddle on his finest horse, and went to visit Gunnar.

“You have a fine bull, friend Gunnar. Will you lend it, to mate my cows?”

“Yes,” said Gunnar, “if you will give me what you ride on.”

“I will give you this saddle, from the King of Denmark. Will you then lend me the bull?”

“Yes,” said Gunnar, “if you will give me something more.”

“It is a hard bargain,” said Helgi, “but I will give you this horse also. Will you then lend me the bull?”

“Yes,” said Gunnar, “if you will give me something more.”

Helgi said, “Do I ride on aught but my saddle and horse?”

“Yes,” said Gunnar, “but you may take the bull, for I have had what you ride already, these winter nights past.”

TOM

It was July 1976 we were packed along the edge of a larger barricaded rectangle waiting for the doors to open. Everything was pretty mellow, this wasn’t Altamont or that ill-fated Who concert, this was an army of YES fans, most, including myself, already tripping on some flavor of LSD. I doubled down with Owsley and some window-pane. From the crowd a Carl Rossi bottle sailed into the center of the barricaded, within seconds hundred of bottles arched and explored in the parking lot. With the help of the acid this was the most beautiful fireworks display I‘d ever seen.

###

Surprisingly after all the glass stopped shattering the Cow Palace security just sent some guys out to sweep up the mountain of glass. Oh San Francisco. The inside of the Cow Palace was like some primordial cave, dark, musty, and old. The opening band for YES was Gentle Giant who ran riot with a stage full of drums pounding out dozens of poly-rhymes who surrendered to three synchronized beats. They did this with ever increasing speed till the three beats fire as one. The light vanished replaced with a single green laser beam sweeping in lazy arched across the arena.

###

At some point during the headlining performance one my one each member of YES stopped playing until only Steve Howe was left playing a harp. As he plucked single strings the laser bank now 20 fold rolled thought the crowd with a hypnotic effect. Howe kept playing slower and softer. A final note echoes of the walls, ceiling and fell into silence. Image if you will silence of 1000s of people holding their breath and hearing a sigh rise to a roar. I could have been the acid, but I’d like to think I gazing into the heart of heaven.

SERENDIPITY

For a time, I simply lay here; unmoving and silent; hearing; experiencing; feeling… but, locked completely within my own, useless body.

Now, I can blink.

“Can you hear us?”, they ask, and I blink in reply.

“Are you in any pain?”

I stare, eyes wide open.

“She’s fine”, they nod.

“Your parents are here – would you like to see them?”

I blink.

They cluster around my bed, clutching my hands in theirs. My father leans close, and whispers, “the doctors say you don’t want to live…”

And, as his tears fall upon my cheek…

My heart breaks.

And, I blink.

CLIFF

Four of us were in Cozumel looking for a cab. We’d been warned to get a driver who spoke English. Charlie said he’d take care of it. We approached a taxi stand where three drivers were waiting.
“Do you speak English?” Charlie asked in a clear voice. All three men said yes.
“Are you good drivers?” Again, all three men said yes.
“Did it snow here yesterday?” The first man smiled and said yes. The second did the same.
The third grinned and said “Man, I never seen it snow in my life.”
Charlie chuckled and said “You’re our man.”

######

My boss brought me brownies at work. No, I didn’t get promoted.
My coworkers brought me cookies. No, I’m not retiring.
My niece drew me a purple monkey wearing a silly hat. No, she’s not a professional artist.
I got a free drink at the bar. No, that good looking woman at the table by the jukebox wasn’t trying to pick me up. Or was she? No, definitely not.
My family all gathered to sing, give me cards, and watch me try to blow out the trick candles. Why, yes, as a matter of fact, it is my birthday today.

SINGH

The Art of Neglect

Yes, being the architect of Now was hard: upholding the view so every leaf, twig and petal stayed in place. No raindrop escaped from the cloud. The grass stopped in its tracks and didn’t need mowing, especially in the shed where he should have laid a concrete slab. Don’t look, he thought, fearing a triffid-like hothouse. Inside might escape and take over. Yes, the idea of hacking and battling with the day to day was unbearable. Better to struggle with neglect than clear one’s conscience. So, he sat, whipper-snipping the heads off his thoughts, perfecting the zen of laziness.

She Waits for Him in the Hotel Room Sleeping with Angels

Pain starts its career path early on.
She traced its pattern, thread by thread.
Sewn now to her sides like angel wings
her girls clung close upon the bedspread.

Now, they slept safe on the quilt of heaven
with a gold shine, but beneath — cold dread
of losing their mother to stepfather.
Yes, the silk of love is painfully red.

In time she might cross-weave him in.
Embroidery starts inside one’s head
with delicacy, tact, firm fingers, care.

To lead, this dad must learn to be led
through the needle’s eye, then finely whisper
in a child’s ear like a thoroughbred.

ZACKMANN

“Are the radios working, Private?”
“Munsi, Yes Munsi. Actually that’s Petty Officer, when I was inducted into Munsi’s Army of the Damned, your administrators said “You’re Majorly Damned.” Then I said “No, I was a US Navy Petty Officer. Major Lee Damned was my division head.” They said “Oh hell, mixed ranks worked for the GI Joe team, You will remain a Petty Officer.
Messages received from March Hare Division and The April Fools, still waiting on The April Showers.“
“Division Drabble?”
“You told me not to repeat messages sent by Division Drabble unless they begin with Laurence Simon Says.”

“Do you really need that cookie?” Select Yes “Now you didn’t think about your blood sugar level. Are you sure you want that cookie?” Select Yes
“You have to be kidding me, well if that cookie is worth sleeping alone for you and think of the example you’re setting for the children! Are you sure?” Select No.
“I am so proud of you, I knew you would make the right choice… eventually.”
“Would you like a glass of wine?” Select yes.
“Are you an alcoholic?” Select No.
“But denial is the first sign?”
“I hate when wife writes me flowcharts.”

TAMMI

Untitled

She retreated to the bar. Odd, this stool felt more comfortable than any seat at home these days.

The cowboy three stools down edged closer.

She relaxed after her second glass. She laughed, touched his arm. He thought he had her.

She said, “No.”

In the parking lot, she rested her forehead on the steering wheel. What if? He smelled nice. His smile was contagious. She hadn’t laughed like this in months.

For a moment, she glimpsed a different evening before her.

Suddenly sober, she went home to pack her bags. She was done retreating.

She enlisted in the morning.

DANNY

“Do you ever question the sanity of your mother for the name she gave you?” Thomas asked his friend Yes. “Why, yes, I question her sanity everyday,” Yes responded. “my mother was a big fan of the band, Yes, and she thought if she named me after the band, I would become a great musician.” “You became a farmer instead,” Thomas replied. ”Mom was proud when I announced I was going to become a Starship Trooper, then she realized Obama slashed the NASA budget.” Yes responded, “hold on, Thomas, I need to feed my donkey, Meatloaf Flying Spaceship, some carrots.”

MIATA

I met a werewolf in Secondlife’s Neverland. I had passed him twice, before looking up to see him on the roof of the house. Waving, I said, “Hey there!” (What else would you say when meeting a wolf?) He jumped off, rolled through the air, landed at my feet. Werewolves are very misunderstood creatures. Sure, they have sharp claws and teeth, but their fur is so soft and silky. How do I know? Well, he asked me to dance and I said, “Yes!” We proceeded to do the robot in a field of flowers, fine footwork for two novices.

REDGODDESS

Lola buried herself in work for weeks. She leaves home early and comes back with just enough time to sleep. No time for a night out or anyone with little patience to track her down. The perfect excuse to decline any dates from her beau. His proposal to take their relationship to the next level, echoes in her mind. She can’t even turn off his voice in sleep. It’s so simple, just say yes or no. That’s the problem with relationships, someone is always explaining or apologizing. Dealing with demanding hotel guests has some common threads. Saying yes would mean making the similar compromises in her personal life. But then, she can get use to breakfast in bed with a fun partner. Who can resist such a tempting adventure?

NORVAL JOE

The two off-worlders walked side by side down a gravel road. Afternoon storm clouds billowed dark grey above the rain forest.
Borle wiped his forehead and asked, “You walked all the way from our lander?”
“Looks that way,” Flerdy replied.
“And we’re going to walk all the way back?” Borle asked.
“What do you think?” Fledy asked.
Borle shrugged and followed the ichthyologist in silence.
Around a bend a skimmer was parked in the foliage. Flerdy opened a door and said, “Climb in. I rented this to get us back.”
Borle raised his hands in the air and shouted, “Yes.”

Dergle fed and watered the dogs in the back yard. Long John followed into the house to watch his master make lunch.
Barking, the wiener dog ran to the door even before the bell rang.
A policeman stood on the porch, clipboard in one hand.
“Hello?” Dergle croaked.
“I’m officer Farkflace. Are you Dergle Dunderspawn?”
“Yes.”
“My records show you have twelve licensed Dachshunds?”
“Yes,”
“That’s a lot of dogs. Do they have puppies often?”
“Yes.”
“How do you deal with that many puppies?”
“Umm. Should I get a lawyer?” Dergle asked.
The officer nodded his head and said, “yes.”

PLANET Z

Back in college, I had a roommate who was into Yes and Crosby Stills Nash and Young.

He had all the album covers tacked up, and he played their music constantly.

All I’d known about the two bands was the fack that Yes did “Owner Of A Lonely Heart” and Neil Young did some really lousy rockabilly crap.

When that year was over, I could ramble for hours about the different lineups of each band, their solo careers, and what was so great about each.

But, really, I was talking out of my ass. I don’t know shit about music.

Swami

I will never forget the day I went to my favorite Italian restaurant, sat down at my usual table, and a group of Indian swamis came in.
George the Waiter sat them at a table and brought out a large bowl of spaghetti.
Each in turn took out his recorder, played, and a spaghetti strand would rise from the bowl to the ceiling in a slender rope.
Over and over, the swamis made the spaghetti rise up.
I called over George, and said “Wow, isn’t that amazing?”
George grumbled. “Sure, it is, but those cheap bastards don’t tip for shit.”

The Unforgiving Tree

As the old man sat on the stump of The Giving Tree, he pondered all that he had taken from his beloved friend.
Her leaves to make crowns.
Her apples to sell for money.
Her branches to build a house.
Her trunk to build a boat.
And what had he given her?
Nothing.
Clutching his chest, he let out a gasp, and died.
The Giving Tree laughed. “Serves you right, you greedy bastard.”
She laughed for hours, until the old man’s sons dug up her stump and carved a coffin from it, as the old man instructed in his will.

Welterweight

Ever wonder what Welterweight means?
Lucius Welter was a boxing ring owner, and before every match, he liked to play teeter-totter with the boxers.
Any boxer who was too heavy to teeter-totter with Lucius was considered a Heavyweight.
And any boxer too light to teeter-totter with him was called A Lightweight.
The boxers who could teeter-totter with him without difficulty was dubbed “Welter’s Weight.”
Sadly, Lucius died from influenza when he was fifty, but they tied his corpse up into a sack and continued to use him as a counterweight until accurate scales became cheaper and the gym closed down.

Beautiful

Why did I do that?
Because The Devil made me do it.
The Devil doesn’t look like some horned monster with hoofs and a barbed tail.
He’s beautiful. Sounds beautiful.
Like an angel.
Because that’s what he is… was…
That’s why so many people fall for his tricks.
If an angel told you to do something, you wouldn’t ask for ID.
You’d do it.
Besides, even if you ask for his name, he’d just lie.
He’s Gabriel, just left his horn at home.
He’s Michael, didn’t bring his sword.
He smiles, tells you to shove someone into traffic.
And vanishes.

The Tumbler

I keep my ideas for stories with me like a pouch full of interesting stones I collect during my walks.
When I get home, I load them all into a rock tumbler, add abrasive, and let the drum turn for a few hours.
I stop the drum, and pour it out on the table.
The surviving stones have had the rough edges knocked off of them, and one or two are nice and shiny.
And the rest have been pulverized to grit and dust.
Not all is lost, because they will serve as the abrasive for other ideas I have.

Overcome

With the deepest, darkest skin
And the brightest, whitest robes
Flowing… billowing, like angel’s wings
The choir director raises a hand, his neck muscles tense as a bridge’s cables
And it drops…
“We… Shall… Overcome…”
Not just sung
But hurled
Like a hammer
Every blow pounding my heart, my soul
“We… Shall… Overcome…”
Over…
And over…
I close my eyes,
And I sing it too
A minute later, lost in the power, I am being shaken.
I open my eyes.
I am flat on my back
The choir director is waving a towel over me.
I guess I was overcome.

Weekly Challenge #363 – Carrot

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was CARROT:

And we’ve got stories by a lot of people:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of Yes.

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post… this obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Schrödinger's Grumpy Cat


THOMAS

She offered him a carrot. Believing a little extra incentive would help Webster try harder and do better on his schoolwork. Miss Tisdale made him an offer. If he did his homework every day for a month, she would give Webster full access to her large collection of French postcards, after school. Webster kept up his end of the deal, but Miss Tisdale reneged, realizing that contributing to the delinquency of a minor was far more than what she was willing to do. In spite of the offer, Webster realized he was capable, so he continued to do exemplary work.

#

Her new ring was three carrots. She was beautiful, but didn’t know how to spell. Eleanor bragged to all her girlfriends and her family. The diamond was flawless, but Eleanor was not. She was as dense as a post, but her fiancé ignored it, as she was tall, slim, and busty. Her fiancé, Carrot Top, was a well-known, prop comedian, almost as pretty as Eleanor after all his cosmetic surgery. Both of them were red-headed, and to add to the horror, zealous exhibitionists. Carrot Top used Eleanor as one of his props when playing the smaller rooms in Las Vegas.

#

Carrots are a staple at our table. We have carrots every time we eat supper. Dad was so proud of his garden, he planted several extra rows of carrots, so we harvested bushels. Mom serves the magnificent root: mashed, steamed, grilled, poached, caramelized, braised, boiled, baked into carrot cake, and served raw and peeled. After a month of eating so many carrots, the whole family took on an orange tinge – much like the woman at the market that got spray tans on a regular basis. We looked like players on Jersey Shore, or a half carton of brown eggs, extra-large.

JEFFREY

The State of Education
by Jeffrey Fischer

The Easter Bunny chomped on a carrot, the tension fading from his shoulders. Another Easter come and gone, his work done. He relaxed.

A fat man in glasses with an angry expression on his face walked to the Easter Bunny, perspiring slightly. A camera crew filmed his every move. “What right do you have, coming around to people’s houses and spreading your unwanted religious filth?” the man said, an insane look in his eyes.

The Easter Bunny finished chewing his carrot and swallowed. “Michael Moore, you ignoramus, I’m a candy-dispensing rabbit. Only an idiot like you would think I have any religious connotations.” He chose another carrot from the pile and nibbled at it.

Shiny Object
by Jeffrey Fischer

“They’re best when they’re long and hard,” Stan said to his fiance, Carla. They sat in the cafe next to the jewelry store.

“What are you talking about? Hard, sure, but long? They’re best when they’re big,” Carla replied.

“Well, sure, big is good, but size isn’t everything. In fact, too big and they just hurt your mouth.”

Carla looked at Stan quizzically. “Are you daft? I would never put it in my mouth. And yes, you guys say it all the time, size isn’t everything, but let me tell you, from a girl’s perspective, you’re wrong. Bigger is better.”

Stan bit off another bite of carrot. “We *are* talking about this vegetable, aren’t we?”

“Carrots?” Carla said. “No, silly, we were discussing my engagement ring. Half a carat isn’t going to cut it.”

STEVEN

“Now son, never go near that there tool shed now.” My da tells me
every time I go out to play.
“I won’t.” I would reply.
As I became more matured and my curiosity grew I had a problem
of always sneaking about…and eating all the carrots meant for soup.
I went to the shed and carefully picked the lock and went inside
the shed. It was dark and smelled of wet dog and rotten flesh. I stood
there and waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. Moments later
I could see clearly. There was a man chained to the ground. And there
were bones to many different creatures.

CLIFF

Good. You’re awake. Let’s get started. You have access codes to information that your government doesn’t want to share. I want those codes. No, you don’t know me. You do know my partner though. The tall redhead you’ve been drooling after for the past few weeks? Yes, that’s her. She was supposed to get close to you, flirt with you, lead you on until she could find the codes in your apartment but you didn’t have them there, did you? Who am I? Well, let’s just say that if she’s the carrot, I’m the stick. Now then, shall we begin?

RICHARD

#1 – Uncle John

The high point of the village fete is always the misshapen vegetable competition, which is invariably won by a carrot shaped amusingly in the form of genitalia.

It’s a family joke that Uncle John, despite his best efforts to contort, twist and meddle with the produce he grows, has never managed to come up with a winning entry.

So, it was a bit of a shock to find he’d won first prize this year.

“Although, it wasn’t my vegetables that impressed the judges”, he explained to us, dropping his trousers to reveal his prize-winning, and impressive, carrot-shaped genitals!

#2 – Promotion

When you get to a million carrots, they give you a certificate and a feature in the company magazine – it’s not worth anything, but you’ve got to have some incentive in this job.

There’s an art to packing carrots: six to a packet, twelve packets to a box, fifty boxes a day, with the promise of that certificate and fame after just a year of packing.

Ten million carrots gets you a promotion.

Ten years on the job and I’ve finally reached the magic number!
Another certificate and a brand new career – tomorrow: my first day on the parsnip line!

#3 – Provisions

George’s search of the eerily empty infirmary rewarded him with overalls and a large holdall from a cleaning cupboard; eventually he found the hospital kitchens.

Acutely aware that fresh food of any kind would be in short supply, he filled his pockets and bag with as much as he could carry – handfuls of carrots; long-lasting, full of nutrients and easily digested raw, would be his staple food, at least for now.

Grabbing a tin-opener and a good selection of kitchen knives, George settled down to what was likely to be his last decent meal for quite some time.

MUNSI

The Appropriate Level of Seriousness With Which to Approach Dessert.

By Chris Munroe

Through the window he crashed, in a shower of glass.

He’d have been surprised, had he not been distracted by pain, both from the sudden roundhouse kick and equally sudden laceration of his face and arms from his quick, brutal journey into the street.

But I wasn’t done. I climbed through the now-empty window-frame, kicked him in the ribs, grabbed him by his hair and turned him around, to look him in the eye…

“Carrot cake,” I said, “isn’t real cake. It never will be. Also: I’m ready for the check, whenever you get the chance to print it up…”

BOTGIRL

Carrot as Stick

My maternal grandmother lived into her eighties, her last months bed-bound in a nursing home. Up until the end, she cared about her appearance and insisted she have her hair and makeup done. I couldn’t imagine what comfort she found in the mirror’s reflection of sparse hair and time-eroded skin and features.

Almost twenty years later, the image I see in my own mirror appears decades younger than the person who looks back from a photo of myself snapped moments before.

The permanent self is an illusion. It feels like I’m killing time, but time is killing me.

TURA

I was six when I first helped with the harvest, pulling carrots. My father showed me how to grab the top, jerk it north, south, east, and west, with the whole weight of my little body, then up, ripping it free.

I had never thought about food before, but seeing that first carrot I realised– food is living things! Life cannibalising life! Even the carrot preyed on the helpless earth, thrusting its roots in to suck out nourishment.

I grew up. I studied biology, and this became my research: how to destroy all life. Only then will the horror end.

TOM

No Good Deed is Left Unpunished

The doctor flipped the eyepiece away. “Son you’re going to need glasses.” He scribed out a prescription, handed to me, said, “Eating carrots should improve your eyesight.” I took his sage words to heart ate a mountain of carrots. Didn’t really care for the tastes so I started grafting carrots onto potatoes, pumpkin and apples. The Carrot-Cherry was so popular I was able to start gene splicing carrots into frogs and pigs. The Carrot-Cow was the height of my life’s work. People’s sight improved; unfortunately Carrot-Cows developed a condition called Sad Cow’s Disease. Before people went insane, they went blind.

SERENDIPITY

When you get to a million carrots, they give you a certificate and a feature in the company magazine – it’s not worth anything, but you’ve got to have some incentive in this job.

There’s an art to packing carrots: six to a packet, twelve packets to a box, fifty boxes a day, with the promise of that certificate and fame after just a year of packing.

Ten million carrots gets you a promotion.

Ten years on the job and I’ve finally reached the magic number!

Another certificate and a brand new career – tomorrow: my first day on the parsnip line!

ZACKMANN

“Say kids let’s make some carrot cake.”

“Sure, I’ll grab the box.”

“No, it doesn’t taste very good from a box. Carrot cake needs to be made from scratch.”

“Father, why are these carrots yellow?”

“Those are heirloom carrots people grew yellow first. Now stop pretending they are dagars. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.”

“Some of these older carrots look bad.”
“No worries someone on Y!A told me about making finger puppets out of carrots with mushy bottoms. Now put shredder blade in food processor , I hate loosing my skin to a hand shredder.”

LIZZIE

Of Carrots and a Mayor

The Carnival Tunnel was inaugurated by the Mayor, a competitive man who was the heart of the town. The Tunnel became a giant success, until he decided to increase the speed of the carts to compete with the opening of the Carrot Museum in the neighboring town. The result was appalling, several died, and a handful seriously injured. The Tunnel was closed immediately, the Mayor fired. The last people heard of him, he was chewing on a carrot, wearing a carrot top hat, wandering about, muttering “I’m a carrot, I’m a carrot. Hi-ho, hi-ho, to the Carrot Museum I go.”

DAPHNE

My younger brother would leave out cookies and milk for Santa and a carrot for Rudolph. One year my brother insisted we leave out 9 carrots so the other reindeer didn’t feel left out. Santa left a thank you note and some Star Wars Lego figures. The next year he left carrots and hummus. Santa left a Lego X-wing. Last year he left a crudite platter and Santa left a Lego Millenium Falcon. This year I found him cutting vegetables into decorative shapes and flowers. I asked him what he was doing, he said he wanted a Death Star. I don’t know what he’s going to do next year.

MIATA

I remember mama told me to eat all my carrots, or sit at the table for the rest of the afternoon. Looking out the window, viewing the green grass, and the countless colors from flowers, I decided to taste just one carrot cube. I was convinced that these were not real carrots. Carrots should be orange cylinder shapes with fuzzy bright green leaves on the end. At least, that was what Bugs Bunny ate. So, I picked up the fork, and raked them into my milk. I heard mama say, “Be sure and drink all your milk, too!”
Bummer!

REDGODDESS

There is a new fool-proof diet advertised every 10 minutes. “I wish I was exaggerating,” Lola thought. She sees the grocery aisle stocked with a rainbow of pills, powders and liquids. Each one has the secret to quick and natural weight loss. One even promises a bonus, glowing skin after use in 7 days or your money back. A lot of the hotel guests, who are the most body conscious, weigh as much as an adolescent. Nina, a social 20-something law clerk, always complaining, she’s fat. She’s a size 2 and cleansed on carrot juice daily. Until her body hating rants, Lola perceived her as the ideal triple threat: sassy, strong and street-smart. Guess real beauty is a myth.

JUSTIN

Old MacDonald had a SimFarm, and he grew many crops, including carrots, which he planted for some arbitrary reason. After he did that, he bought a plot of land right next to the bustling city with taxis like beetles and big grey walls. Then he put cows on that plot of land. Finally, he removed the fencing that was adjacent to the city. This allowed the cows to roam into the streets. When they got hit by cars, they would get squished flat and run around like black and white pancakes. Old Farmer MacDonald was amused and reloaded his game.

DANNY

I recently helped a distressed woman from my past distraught over a song from the movie, Juno. My response. “You mean your faced with an unplanned pregnancy, and being the offbeat young woman you are, your making an unusual decision regarding her unborn child? Damn, your life is more complicated than I can imagine. Oh, and in less than 2 hours, I’m supposed to come up with a 100 word story about the word “Carrot,” and I have writers block. The best I can come up with is a story about a donkey named “Meatloaf Flying Spaceship.” Isn’t there carrots in Meatloaf?

NORVAL JOE

“You’re saying this stuff is safe to eat? If not, there will be intergalactic repercussions,” Borle griped from his jail cell. His bright orange prison suit made him look like a giant tuberous vegetable. While the food on his plate was supposed to be carrots, but lacked the neon green color he was used to.
The guard grunted, but startled when the hallway door suddenly opened.
Flerdy walked in wearing a five piece business suit, looking for like a lawyer and waving release papers.
“What took you so long?” Borle asked.
“It was a long walk. You had the keys.”

Dergle thrashed fitfully where he’d fallen asleep on the living room couch.
Again, pounding on the front door woke him. He’d barely gotten to his feet when the door slammed open, splinters of wood flying and the doorknob dropping to the floor.
Widow Finklestien stood on the front porch holding a large cardboard box. She dropped it to the floor and snarled, “Here. You can deal with them.”
She stomped away.
Peeking into the box, Dergle saw six black, white, and tan carrots, the size of his shoes, wriggling and mewling.
Dergle woke on the couch in a cold sweat.

SINGH

1.
The man attached a pole to his cart and a tinfoil star to its end. He dangled it in front of his nose and then set off from the city. Dog, Cat and Duck came along for the ride. After three days in the desert Duck was getting worried. “Alright guys, where are we going?
“Relax,” said Cat, “Enjoy the scenery.” There was only red sand, although sometimes skulls and bones.
Finally Dog broke the silence.“We’re following the star, the shining tinfoil star.”
“Oh really?” said the doubting Duck.
The man just pulled the cart of three alone in silence.

2.
When they reached the Craggy Mountains, they saw twin peaks. Duck grabbed his binoculars: “Look! Mountain climbers!”
“Show me,” said Cat. Just as one ice-picked his way to his summit, a shaft of light hit the crag like a sign from the heavens.
Dog took the binoculars to check the other climber’s progress, Seeing the wondrous light, the second climber’s face said “Oh, no!” He was on the wrong peak.
“Poor bastard,” Dog chuckled. “Waste of a perfectly good mountain.”
Oblivious, the man kept following his star. It dangled in front of his bulbous nose like a donkey’s carrot.

3.
Down the other side of the mountains the man stopped beside deep water. Dog, Cat and Duck got down to stretch. The man wandered off while Dog snuffled, Cat stalked, and Duck took a dip in the gorge. The man hadn’t returned, so they set out to look for him. He was in a cave, staring at rock paintings of men with spears being hunted by giant kangaroos. They joined the man like a family back in their living room, eyes glued to the television. ?“Psst! What’s on?” Duck joked.
“Shush!” said Dog. “Sit on your stone,” pointed Cat. “It’s Prehistoric Planet.”

4.
As the man followed his guiding star through the desert, Dog, Cat and Duck sometimes saw disturbing sights. Around a waterhole, they noted all the trees were bare with their leaves turned weirdly white on the ground. Getting up close they realised the leaves were bodies of sulphur-crested white cockatoos. The man stopped to look and observed three minutes of silence. After. no one was confident about drinking the water which had a radioactive glow. So they moved on. Upset, the three glued sad eyes to the guiding tinfoil star. They were glad now of the man, their only family.

5.
As the cart creaked on following the star, a sandstorm appeared.
“Looks bad”, said Dog to Cat who nodded agreement.
“Are you kidding?” Duck said in a flap. “We’re all gonna die!”
Taking emergency action, the man put the star in his pocket. Turning the cart on it side, he lit a candle in its grotto and settled in. They did too.
For three days the storm raged. They were down to their last candle. Then the storm stopped.
“Hallelujah!” Said Duck.
The man just righted the cart, re-fixed the pole star and they set off again.

6.
Dog, Cat and Duck were city slickers. They had been on daylight savings time too long. Tired of schedules it sneaked away into the dunes. Now there only burning days and the Milk Way nights. The man snored lightly as the wind rattled through the grass tree clumps keeping all three awake.
Each day they seemed to recognise places where they had passed, yet they weren’t conscious of shifting direction. Was the man’s cart wheeling in circles? Finally after traversing great tracts, crossing mountains, swimming gorges, they saw the most beautiful sight of their long journey. They had come home.

7.
Yes, they’d returned to the city.
“Heck! We just did a big loop,” Duck stated.
“Depends,” said Cat, “On how you view it.”
Cars were bumping toward Smog City.
When the man reached the freeway ramp he had a choice: to go straight ahead or follow the detour sign which said:This Way to Truth and Beauty. It was pointing to a hole cut in the ramp like a circle cut in a river of ice. Through it, the night sky glinted with stars.
“Uh-oh!” said Duck, “Here we go again.”
And the man tugged the cart headlong into the universe.

PLANET Z

We live far enough North that there’s usually snow on the ground when it’s time for Easter.

Which makes it really hard to keep the snowman’s nose from getting swiped by that Easter Bunny son of a bitch.

Sure, we come out ahead in the deal, getting a basket full of candy and colored eggs for a rotten frozen carrot, but it’s the principle of the deal.

Today, he steals a carrot. Maybe tomorrow he steals a car.

So, I cored out the carrot and put in rat poison.

(I hope he doesn’t do the same with our Easter eggs.)

Monday

“Thank God it’s Friday,” said Joe, sipping his coffee and walking into the office.
God was on the golf course, lining up an easy 3 foot putt on the 8th green in Heaven.
“You’re welcome,” he grumbled.
Millions of others thanked God that it was Friday, and by the time He got to the 18th tee, he had snapped most of his clubs in half and shanked a basket full of balls into the rough clouds.
“You okay, Dad?” asked Jesus.
God pulled off his gloves, threw them into the cart, and pondered a Horrid Monday To Beat All Mondays.

The Daily Special

I can never decide what I want to get at a restaurant.
So, I don’t bother with a menu.
I just let the waiter tell me the specials and I say “Surprise me.”
The most surprised I’ve ever been was when a Turkish chef prepared shish kebab skewers, set them on fire, and launched them with a crossbow at the wall above my head.
It was the best dinner I’d never had, and I thanked the chef, the owner, and the entire staff for that night.
What’s the name of the place?
Doesn’t matter. It burned down years ago.