Steven the Nuclear Man – Pork

“It seemed like a good plan at the time,” Mark whispered.

Julia glared at him. “Shut. Up.” She went back to staring through the cracks in the wood door.

Bleats and squeals mixed with the pounding of hooves.

“I mean,” Mark continued, “I had no idea they were so big.”

Julia pointed her gun at him. “Be. Quiet.”

The sounds on the other side of the door grew louder. The wet smack of teeth in rending flesh. The screams of dying pigs. The zombie’s moans.

“Just” – Mark’s voice quaked – “maybe we should have hid in the brick shed.”

Weekly Challenge #379 – Pork

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was PORK.

We’ve got stories by:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of SPARK.

Use the Share buttons at the end of the post to spam your social networks. This obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Derp x2

Finally, if there are any errors or corrections, please let me know, and I’ll fix them as soon as possible.


TOM

A Well Defined Relationship Part Eight

Mother sat silently, hands in lap. A tall raven haired woman glided towards her. She nodded and took the seat at the opposite end of the table. In short time all but one chair was taken. All present stood when Magdalena Bowsmen made her way to the table.

The dark haired woman went about introducing each of the quests to Mrs. Bowsmen. Each was greeted with a smile of solemnity. When Mother heard her name she felt a hand reach out. “Major Parsons was indeed an excellent man. His council will be missed. Senator Smith please see to Widow Parsons.”

Mother would have rolled her eyes if she could, but years of enduring the gauntlet of social events had taught her no matter the contention at hand always project a zen mask. All the same the mere mention of Senator “Pork Barrel” Smith in close proximity to her late husband has distasteful

“Thank you Mrs. Bowsmen,” said Mother catching a peripheral glance at the honorable gentleman. The Parsons family’s wealth came from cattle and her father made sure his daughter could size up a competing bidder. The look in Senator Smith’s eyes was of a man sizing up a heifer.

JEFFREY

How the Sausage is Made
by Jeffrey Fischer

The process started out innocently enough. Senator Graft wanted a post office named for his political mentor, a six-term Congressman currently serving a 15-year sentence for bribery. “Sure, roll it into the Defense bill,” said the Majority Leader.

Next came Senator Sleaze, who wanted some federal dollars for repairing an old drive-in movie theater back in his home state. A couple of million dollars was nothing to the Farm bill, and if that’s what it took to buy Sleaze’s vote, so be it.

From there the pork kept oinking. A billion here, ten billion there, and soon they were talking about borrowing real money. Yet no one understood why Congress was so unpopular.

The Civilized Way to Resolve Disputes
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Beef brisket!” Tex said, cocking his hat and touching the top of his holster.

“Wrong! Pulled pork,” replied Sam, smoothing his mustache and giving a reassuring pat to his own revolver.

“Spice rub.”

“Sauce.”

“Wood-burning grill.” Tex was turning red with rage.

“Smoker.” Sam looked Tex in the eye, trying to maintain his breathing.

The rest of the customers in the diner looked nervous. Some had even sidled near the exits, having a fair idea of what would come next. The two combatants nodded at one another. “Draw,” said Tex.

Sam placed a plate on the table, a grilled bun heaping with pulled pork and a side of slaw. Tex whipped out a second plate with brisket on toast, with a side of beans. Each sat, tasted the other’s, and decided that the world was big enough for different types of barbecue.

RICHARD

#1 – Twilight

With the threat of night drawing ever closer, George’s positive mood began to fade as quickly as the daylight. He became acutely aware how conspicuous the noisy bulldozer was in the empty streets and he realised the slow-moving and cumbersome vehicle had its drawbacks.

He had visions of zombies overpowering him and feasting on his brain… vaguely he wondered what human flesh tasted like – was it chicken, or pork? He couldn’t remember.

He rounded another corner, where his headlights picked out a yard full of rusting shipping containers – at last, he had a perfect retreat for the night ahead.

#2 – Pork

I looked dubiously at the plate of meat, potatoes and corn and gave the waiter a questioning look – I’d learned to be wary about food during my South American journey, and although this appeared to be rather an upmarket restaurant, this was still Ecuador.

“Are you sure this is pork?”

“¡Si, señor! Eet ees peeg.” – the waiter smiled.

“Pig?”

“Si… peeg.”

I shrugged and reluctantly tucked into my meal. It didn’t taste like pork to me.

Later, leaving the restaurant, I stole a glance through the kitchen doorway: there, neatly skewered over the barbecue, were rows of roasting guinea pig.

#3 – Muppets

It always amazed me that The Muppet Show made it past the censors – if ever there was an abusive relationship and a bad example to set for kids, it was the pairing of Kermit and Miss Piggy. What chance did poor, puny Kermit stand against his domineering, violent, other half?

I shudder to think of the damage that infamous pork chop might inflict if she ever cornered him.

However, it seems Kermit had an ally…

I have it on excellent authority that the Swedish Chef was know to turn a blind eye to Kermit’s occasional misuse of the bacon slicer!

MUNSI

The Nostalgia Files: Television

By Christopher Munroe

It was a monster hit, and no mystery why.

A woman in Boulder, Colorado takes a pig, fresh from the farm, as a roommate, and hilarity ensues as it does it’s best to fit into human society. The clash of cultures was a goldmine of comedic possibility, a well that would never run dry.

Yeah…

By the third season the show had run its course, midway through the fourth it was cancelled, and most agree it should have ended two years sooner.

Still, many fans of classic TV still have a soft spot in their heart for Pork and Mindy.

EXPLORER

I Have Issues With Pork By helen r starr
I have issues with pork. Pork is not kosher; we call it treif (Non-Kosher Food). I recently had to take my mother shopping, and of all the places she needed to visit, it was Walmart.
Walmart is company based on pork, not necessarily the kind you eat, but the kind that pads their pockets. Walmart pads the pocket of other porkers, i.e., the Koch Brothers. What really irks me is how Walmart treats their employees like pigs in a trough. Walmart partnered with the International Labor Organization (ILO) to create Better Work Programs; something’s not Kosher, and I smell pork.

SINGH

(Text not available)

LIZZIE

The swineherd was tired of having to deal with the increasingly frustrating low profits. Intermediaries drove him crazy with inconceivable demands. Before, he sold everything, that’s what was good about pork, no waste. Now, only certain parts were favored. So, he decided to give away “the waste”, roasted and with a “twist”, as a personal gift to the intermediaries, who eagerly took it all. They asked what the “twist” was, but he never gave away the secret to the other tasty bits of meat in the inviting roast, especially when the headlines said “Business man of pork industry vanishes mysteriously”.

TURA

Pork
——–
Rabbi Dougal visited Rabbi Hamish. After they greeted one another, Rabbi Dougal said, “I see ye’re havin’ yer tea, Hamish? But surely that’s not bacon ye’re fryin’?

R. Hamish replied that it was kosher beef, genetically modified to taste like bacon.

R. Dougal asked, “But what if they used pig genes?”

R. Hamish argued, “They’re pig genes alright, but they didnae come from a pig. Completely artificial, same genetic sequence, but made in the laboratory!”

R. Dougal then asked, “Could ye make a whole kosher pig that way?”

At this G*d declared, “NO!”

R. Hamish responded, “Well, that’s one opinion…”

SERENDIPITY

Any devotee of TV crime dramas will tell you that pork is the nearest thing you can get to human flesh.

If you want to see realistic results from your ballistic tests; or need to know what a frenzied knife attack will do to a body, just hang a pig in the lab, and away you go!

Whilst you’re at it, throw in a few sharpened screwdrivers, power drills and blunt instruments – it’s all good, clean fun!

Personally, I find that pork is far too expensive to waste. So, I’ll be sticking to the real thing, for the time being.

CLIFF

Jimmy Ray knew barbeque. He had already spread his brand of pulled pork barbeque sandwich shops over the southern United States when he came up with the idea of a world tour. With a portable kitchen and a hundred year old recipe, he set out. In England, it flopped. In France, it fizzled. In Germany, things picked up. After all, barbeque goes very well with beer. He was an unexpectedly big hit in Bulgaria but then the whole thing came crashing down in Afghanistan. Jimmy Ray may have known barbeque but he didn’t know squat about religion or international politics.

RED

Lola revels in the chaos before work. There is a level of traffic that’s cosmopolitan, and the usual early birds are all in the streets. The toothless man who empties out the burned cigarettes from the public astray, every few seconds, he lets out a disturbing laugh and mumbles “who’s fault is it, anyway?”
An older Black woman, head wrapped in a colorful scarf, sweeping the front of the university theater. She always stares towards the marquee as if thinking, “What if?”
Lola walks by the pan handler sitting on a rusty bus bench, tapping both hands on her starved thighs, humming to herself. Lola smiles and hands her a crumpled dollar bill.
In the distance, Lola can smell the tiny shops, she sometimes stops by the meat market to buy pork for her grandmother to make a spicy stew. She can taste the stew in her mind.
As she approaches the hotel, she notices Tom, a proud grandfather of twins doing his morning stretches before his daughter drops off the kids. There are runners, cyclists, dog walkers, parents waiting for school buses and restless children chasing pigeons. She peers inside her favorite wine cellar with a fat golden cat in the display window. Lola inhales the sweet smell of fresh bread and coffee brewing from the hotel kitchen. On a day like this, she’s exactly where she belongs.

ZACK

“Looky there, I sure would like to pork that.”

‘’Sir, as your advisor I must remind you that you can never know when there might be a mic on.”

“When are you going to start dating me to save me from myself?”
“When pig fly sir, is when I will date a client. Don’t go hog wild during tonight’s event. Avoid any references to getting rid of pork. You don’t want to lose the farm vote. Do not make any allusions of putting Lipstick on a Pig because that type of relationship is still very much frowned upon in Iowa ”

NORVAL JOE

Dergle smiled across the table at Widow Finklestien and wiggled his eye brows, his mouth too full to speak.
“I’m glad you like the meatloaf,” she said, smiling shyly. “Too bad Long John doesn’t feel the same.”
It was true, while the widow’s shelty ate with abandon, Dergle’s corpulent wiener dog didn’t share her enthusiasm.
“He usually loves meatloaf. What did you put in it?”
Widow Finklestien scowled. “It’s my mother’s recipe with ground beef, veal and pork sausage.”
“Oh. That makes sense,” Dergle said. “He has a friend who’s a pig. He wont eat anything with pork in it.”

JUSTIN

What? Where am I? An, island? Nothing to be found here, I’m all alone. Maybe I should build a house. There’s a tree, I’ll punch it for some wood.

OK, got some wood, I’ll make a workbench. Now a wooden axe since that’s faster than punching to chop down more trees.

OK, got a little shed build over workbench. I’m getting hungry. I heard something. A pig! Let me, whoops, broke my last axe. I’ll punch the pig!

Better cook this meat. Punch some trees, make a pickaxe, and get some stone for a furnace.

Time for some pork chops!

JUNE

Sam liked lolling in mud.

Sam did not like waking up.

He also did not like being forced out of his pen for what the man called “exercise” and “fattening up.” They seemed exclusive. If he was to be fattened up, why did he also need to exercise?

This afternoon was different though. There had not been any slop in his trough, and the man had yet to come. Sam was confused, but the mud was helping to calm him.

He didn’t like changes in routine. He’d seen what happened to his mother when she wasn’t let into the field.

DANNY

You bet your ass war is fun, especially when your foe is suddenly vanquished by choking on a piece of pork when said foe was not even eating any food to begin with! The story comes from a contrived notion invented in the bible of all places, Wait, the spice of Lifeless? What the hell happened to the NESS! Dammit! Brilliant! You only have less than forty words until the end of this story.” “Oh go choke on a piece of pork, which he promptly did, except, his death was ruled as an accidental parsley choking. Blah, Blah, Blah, sleep.

PLANET Z

I can tell by the scent
on this wine bottle cork
That the wine you have served me
Contains feces and pork.
I don’t know why you’d offer
such a disgusting selection.
Have i done something to earn
this cruel disaffection?
Who would concoct
such a foul potion as this
That I’d sooner drink
than seek out Death’s kiss.
Did you make it yourself?
Or did you buy it online?
What kind of mad fool
Makes this kind of wine?
But if you insist
I will sip and then pass
Hold on… let me think
Pour me one more glass?

The Power Of Prayer

Long ago, I got onto an elevator at a hospital, and there was a priest in it.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” they said. “I’m the hospital chaplain. Is there someone you know needing prayer?”
The elevator door closed, and he reached for a button.
I stopped him.
“I don’t believe in prayer,” I said. “And I think you’re a fraud. But, you can prove me wrong… pray for God to move this elevator.”
Nothing happened.
And then… the elevator moved.
I dropped to my knees and began howling LORD JESUS, THANK YOU!
The door opened, and the frightened priest ran.

War Is Fun

Other kids set up their toy soldiers in battles, arranging men and tanks and plastic barbed wire on their basement floors.
Ralphie’s different. He stages courts-martial, using a television court drama’s action playset to bring the war criminals of his toy chest to justice.
He also turned a hospital set into a VA hospital in which to treat the wounded members of his plastic green army.
Then there’s the brothel…
His sister stomps into the basement, demands her Barbies back, and kicks the courtroom and hospital over before returning to her room.
The door slams.
Ralphie blinks, and shouts: “TORNADO!”

The Spice Of Lifeless

I used to like spicy and hot foods.
Adding a bit of Tabasco to the ranch dressing dip for carrots and celery kicked things up
The problem is, spicy foods don’t like me anymore.
It doesn’t take much for me to blast out half of my intestinal tract in a disgusting, bloody, and smelly mess.
So, I started a food diary, and measured my reactions to various things.
Tabasco…gone.
Picante… gone.
Vietnamese pepper sauce… gone.
The refrigerator got emptier and emptier.
Pretty soon, it was just romaine lettuce, yogurt and cottage cheese.
I think I’ll go drink drain cleaner now.

Pampered

I had two cats.
She had two cats.
When we got married, that made four.
They all lived happy lives.
One died.
Then another.
And so did a third.
Their ashes are in nice velvet bags on the shelf.
When the fourth finally died, he came back in a nice box, with his name stamped on a shiny metal plate.
My wife asked the pet cemetery staff if we could get the others their own boxes and names stamped on shiny metal plates.
You know. Upgrades.
Even after they’re dead, we still pamper and spend money on these little guys.

Skates

I met an ogre named Wilson.
We became friends.
I introduced him to my other friends.
They welcomed him into our circle of friends.
We went to the movies.
We went out for pizza.
We watched a baseball game.
But when we went roller-skating, they didn’t have any shoes Wilson’s size.
We took turns sitting with Wilson as he watched the others skate.
We tried to make roller-skates his size, and they fit great.
Wilson took a few steps…. and he fell on his ass.
We laughed.
Wilson didn’t. And he attacked the village.
Go get your pitchforks and torches.

Moonbeams

I invented something.
It’s in my workshop.
Want to see it?
Okay, but you have to promise that you won’t tell anyone about it.
Here it is.
What?
No, it’s not under the cloth… it’s the cloth!
See it shimmer and glitter?
It’s made of moonbeams.
I caught them on a bright moonlit night, and wove them into a cloth.
Well, not at first. I spun them into yarn and knitted them, but it just far was too coarse.
This cloth is a tight weave.
Of moonbeams.
That shimmer and glimmer.
And I invented it.
Me.
On a moonlit night.

Weekly Challenge #378 – Original

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was ORIGINAL, which is also the topic of this week’s Single Frame Stories challenge. There’s a lot of good images to view and ponder there, and I strongly encourage you to participate in those challenges.

Over here, we’ve got stories by a lot of people:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of PORK..

Use the Share buttons at the end of the post to spam your social networks. This obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Tinny closeup

Finally, if there are any errors or corrections, please let me know, and I’ll fix them as soon as possible.


BOTGIRL

I died again and it’s starting to bother me. I know it shouldn’t. We are taught that the Self is nothing more than identity and the continuity of our memory. So every time they restore an archived brain scan into one of my clones, it is the real I who awakens.

But what about the lost memory of each death? All gone. A sniper’s laser. A drone’s warhead. An enemy’s blade. Abandoned in the black hole between my last scan and the last breath of each incarnation. They who died are dead and gone. Irrecoverable. May we rest in peace.

ASIAH

The sun was setting and orange light filtered through the half drawn blinds. Sheets upon sheets of newspaper were scattered across the floor, the smell of fresh paint was thick in the air, almost suffocatingly. Daniel stared at the canvas which rested upon the paint stained easel, his brush, hung loosely in his hand dirty from his work. “Damn… I really fucked it up. Heh, call it exotic, original, one of a kind, and some pretentious prick will spend thousands just to buy a paint covered mistake.” he chuckled to himself. Yes, he supposed it would do.

JEFFREY

Everyone’s a Critic
by Jeffrey Fischer

The curator was practically beaming as he told the guests about the museum’s find. “A lost Botticelli – can you imagine that! He was one of the great painters of the Renaissance, and created slightly more than 100 paintings. A new Botticelli – half a millennium since his death – is just astounding! And what a find for the city of Baltimore!”

One of the guests, a middle-aged man with a young daughter, raised a hand. “Has the painting been authenticated?”

The curator waved a hand. “A mere detail. Just look at the brush work, the delicate features…”

The little girl peered closely at the portrait. “Look, Daddy! That man is wearing Ray Lewis’s Super Bowl ring!”

The curator took out a magnifying glass and read the inscription in oil: “Baltimore Ravens, February 3, 2013.”

“Well, perhaps another test or two might be in order before any final conclusions.”

Bureaucrat Season
by Jeffrey Fischer

At long last, it was Max’s turn. He presented the form to the woman behind the counter. “I just need to renew my hunting license.”

The woman popped a bubble and glanced at the form. “This looks like a copy. We need the original.”

Max looked exasperated. “Where does it say that? Look, I’ve been in line for an hour. Can’t I bring the original by later?”

“Next, please.”

The next time through the line, Max presented the original form. “Needs to be notarized.” The third time, the woman said, “Has to be two witnesses.” Trip four found his signature to not match that on file.

The last time through the line, Max shot her twice. Among the charges levied against him: hunting without a license.

MASHA

She’d been safe in the shelter of his arms, the cocoon of his protection. She’d wanted to stay that way forever, sunlight pouring through their windows, warmth moving throughout the day.

Until he could no longer be warmed, and arms grew too frail, too weak to remain about her waist. Until all that remained were his unwashed sheets, abandoned wrappings with a fading scent.

She wrapped herself within them, burrowed deep, lain still to let the sunlight bake her into something else. No warm safety for her transformation. No witness to her rebirth.

Painted in sunlight, she conjures the storm.

RICHARD

#1 – Dozer

With a cloud of exhaust smoke, the bulldozer roared into life. George finally felt he was gaining some control, although he realised that there were still some things he had no say in.

The light was fading and his original plan was now far less attractive – he had no wish to be driving around unfamiliar roads after dark and not knowing what to expect… wasn’t night-time the natural preserve of zombies, after all?

Once again, he found himself rethinking his strategy – his priority now was to find safe shelter for the night – but the big question remained…

Where exactly?

#2 – Apple

In my childhood, my dad bought me an Apple One, thinking it would be my meal ticket to a bright future. Of course, I was more interested in sport and girls and it ended up in a box in the loft.

Then I saw the prices that Apple Ones were now fetching – it seemed my bright future was back on the cards.

An exasperating search through the dust and cobwebs of my parent’s loft proved fruitless…

“Oh, that old thing”, exclaimed my mum when I questioned her; “we thought you weren’t interested in computers… we threw it out years ago!”

#3 – Original

It’s said all music shares the same twelve notes, yet even after all this time, people still come up with original tunes.

There are only three primary colours, plus black and white, yet artists manage to create seemingly endless unique works using these.

How is it then, that with hundreds of thousands of words to choose from, and a vocabulary of, maybe twenty thousand, I find it so difficult to put together a measly hundred of the damn things, in any fashion that resembles an original story?

I bet someone else has beaten me to it with this one too!

LIZZIE

The original was sold for millions to a flamboyant millionaire. It was on the news for days as the biggest sale ever of an artwork piece. Photographers snapped hundreds of photos, journalists wrote dozens of articles, made countless interviews. Everyone wanted to be a part of this extraordinary event. So, thousands of copies were made, numbered and sold as a limited edition. After the whole commotion cooled off, he opened his safe and unrolled the painting. It was his, only his. That millionaire had paid a fortune for the perfect fake and he’d never ever know it, the original loser.

SINGH

(Text has been entered into Ubud Writer’s Festival)

TOM

A well defined Relationship Part Seven

While Timmy concentrated on presentable Mother set her sights on pretention. As the clock stuck 4 she joined the swirl of women headed for the Empress hotel for High Tea. In 1092 the original structure was disassembled, packed, and shipped on Angus Bowsmen’s largest ore transport. Angus’s wife Magdalena, an actual descendent of Victoria herself, held without tea there was no civilization. She wasn’t about to set foot on P348 until a proper public dining place was in place. Despite her current station Mother’s family was highly regarded and thus a chair was set for her at the Founder’s table

NORVAL JOE

Dergle donned his wiener dog nose and eared hoodie. He slipped onto the dark street, a wiener dog pup cradled in the bend of his elbow.
Half way to the drop point a police car pulled onto the street, drove to him and shined a spotlight in his face.
“Just what are you supposed to be?” A voice asked from beyond the light.
Trying to sound normal, he held up the puppy and said, “I’m Wiener Dog Man.”
“I’ve heard of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny,” the cop said, “But Wiener Dog Man is a new one to me.”

TURA

“Happy birthday!” I said to my girlfriend. “I made you this CD.”

The first track was “Yellow Submarine”, sung by Kathy Berberian with a string quartet.

“Cool arrangement!” she exclaimed.

“Next track’s the killer,” I said. A string quartet played the same music. “This was recorded in 1932.”

“You mean, they didn’t write…?”

“Boccherini, 1763.” An ancient, scratchy recording of a mournful Russian folk song began, strangely familiar.

“Ok,” she said, “nobody believes that Paul wrote ‘Yesterday’.”

“Name one they did! I’ve traced half their back catalogue already. When I publish, I’ll be the first celebrity forensic musicologist. The original!”

MUNSI

The Crisis

By Christopher Munroe

The prompt was the word Original, and lo did I quake with fear.

What? How? I’m widely known not to have an original idea in my head! I never have! I’d been skating by on a hodge-podge of dated pop-culture references and non-sequitors too long to come up with an original thought at this late date, would this be the end of me?

But no, I persevered, pushed forward, and soon I had the stroke of genius that would prove to be my salvation.

I’d go Meta, write a story about writing the story.

And that would get me there.

SERENDIPITY

Sheila’s original recipe burgers were hugely successful – the succulent, juicy meals she served up turned fast food into fine dining. The recipe was, of course, a closely guarded secret and despite numerous cash offers from several giants of the food industry, it wasn’t for sale.

Despite her success, Sheila never sought the big time, selling her burgers from a mobile kitchen at the roadside. She’d stay for a while, never more than a few weeks in one place, then move on.

Oddly, the neighbourhood cats and dogs seemed to follow her – because there were never any about after she’d gone.

BARBARA

I started out wanting to write something original.

Then I began again, because I had written it before

Surely a third time would be the charm, as I began once more

Then, to my dismay, I found that I had been writing the same thing, over and over again.

That was hardly original, so I contemplated starting over again.

But I was in a quandary as to whether I could start something original if I did

I compared my three previous efforts, each of them, identical.

So I destroyed the first two, and alas, I had an original at last.

ZACKMANN

“What we need is an original idea.” said the manager “something to make us if not rich at least well known.”

“How about using urine to power a battery that can charge a cellphone?”

“Joe, now that is the type of thinking we need but someone in UK does that already yet still there has to be something no one has thought of yet.

“Solomon said “Vanity vanity all is vanity there is nothing new under the sun.””

His manager says “Something new Joe. Are you going to listen to your friends or are you going to listen to me.”

CLIFF

Working homicide has never been fun but lately, it’s been a real nightmare. Take this guy. When I got to him, he was lying in a parking lot with most of his head missing due to a shotgun blast at close range. The fellow that put him down was Jeff Spence. Sounds pretty simple, right? Wrong. Spence is part of a Hospice Intervention Team. Jeff kills zombies. So we know the final cause of death. Now I have to find out the original cause of death. Heart attack? Murder? Choke on a pretzel? See what I mean? A complete nightmare.
———————–
So, the idea was that we would produce original plays from unknown playwrights like me. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but we soon found out otherwise. Audiences didn’t want originality. They wanted the tried and true. Oklahoma. Annie. The Odd Couple. If they hadn’t seen it a dozen times, they didn’t want to see it at all. So, I found a loophole. Turns out you can copyright a story but not a title. So I changed everyone in my murder mystery to a feline. I was quite happy with the turnout to see Clifford Lowe’s Cats.

DANNY

Wentworth spent weeks slaving at his typewriter hacking away at his next novel. “This is BRILLIANT!” Wentworth screamed, frightening his neighbors, as he hacked away at all hours of the night. Finally, the day arrived, his transcript finally complete. He skipped down the street in leaps and bounds to the publisher’s office merely 200 yards away. “I’ve got it this time!” Wentworth screamed at the publisher’s face, who calmly responded, “Look, I get it, your whole thing about being original, writing about the George Zimmerman trial 2 weeks after the fact. When you actually have something more original, get back to us.”

JUSTIN

The volcano erupted! Lava poured over Omnitron and his minions, but immune Ra projected his protection to Tempest. Omnitron blasted out an electro-pulse, wounding the heroes! Another gout of lava melted more of Omnitron and its devices. Ra pulled out his staff, gaining strength. Tempest collapsed when they brushed some deadly plants! Enraged at how such a small thing nearly killed them, Ra hurled his staff at Omnitron, shorting it out. Omnitron submerged into lava with the smell of melting circuits and metal. Ra carried Tempest away from the volcano as the last of Omnitron’s drones burned in the fire.

RED

People think the most meaningful words in a relationship are “I love you” and “I’m sorry.” Regardless of the nature of your involvement, you will find yourself apologizing and declaring your love. There is no original way to express those emotions. The order of words of choice during an argument is irrelevant.
Lola couldn’t care less about minced words. She wants to see bold gestures yet thoughtful. To her, romance is in the intimate details and subtleties. Her boyfriend has been traveling more than usual for business. Sometimes she hears from him daily. On other trips, he barely emails her. She sometimes wonders, does he even think about her when making his plans?
As if he has psychic powers, the day before he flies back, he ships a box of velvet cupcakes soaked in rum, with a letter on each one. It reads: “FYI T O U. I wish I were here to feed them to you.” With a goofy grin, Lola sticks her index finger in the creamy icing. She closes her eyes, with one sweet finger licking taste, she suddenly develops temporary amnesia.

WHISKEY

“Where do you get your ideas?” they asked.
“How did you get so creative?” they wondered.
If only they knew how easy it is. Original ideas grow on trees. They
can be plucked from the gnarled branches in bushels. Ideas are the
fruit of the stubby trees of despair, euphoria, loneliness, and
strife. These trees feed from the loamy soil of hardship, watered by
the rays of a smile and fertilized by longing. For every idea that is
picked, three more grow in its place.
Just pay no attention to the serpent, out on a limb.

PLANET Z

What you can’t fix with bioengineering, you can replace with cybernetics.

In fact, most people pass on replicated meatware and go straight to the TurboHuman dealership for polymer. You can get better performance from designer flexware.

The danger is that you can’t buy cyberparts, you can only lease them from TurboHuman. And they don’t come cheap.

Miss a payment, and you’ll find your Jarvik heart skipping a beat.

Miss another payment, and you’ll get a visit from the chopwagon.

I stuck to all natural. Because driving this chopwagon only pays commissions.

Or bribes.

Fifty, and I’ll let you go, kid.

The Unknown

I put down my repair kit and I place my finger on the scanner next to the door.
UNKNOWN
I wipe it with a cloth and try again.
UNKNOWN
“Is there something wrong with the scanner?” I ask the guard standing by the door.
He shrugs. “I just work here, man.”
“Can I show you my ID?” I ask the guard.
“Yes, but it won’t do any good,” said the guard. “I don’t know who can enter. And I can’t open the door, either.”
I try again.
UNKNOWN
Then, I realized: It was the scanner I’d been called to repair.