Forgotten

Most wizards agree that the Armageddon Spell is the rarest spell.
As the High Mage of The Byzantium Library, I know that it isn’t.
The rarest spell is The Lost Spell Of Forgetting, of which the only copy is in the Library.
Why is it The Lost Spell?
Because I lost it.
I have no idea where the spell is in all these shelves and cupboards and desks.
I’m surprised I even remember there’s a Forgetting Spell.
Just reading it makes you forget what it is.
Hey… that’s strange… what’s this in my pocket…
It’s a scroll.
Of… um… what?

Weekly Challenge #361 – Border

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was Border.

And we’ve got stories by a lot of people:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of Pick Two.

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post… this obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:


TURA

General Wei quelled an invasion from the north, then returned to the south. He quelled an invasion from the west, then returned to the south. He was asked, “Why do you not institute permanent forces to guard the borders and protect the people?”

General Wei replied, “The general’s vision is wide, but the people’s vision is narrow. When the people have peace, they do not see the use of the army, and their conscripted men serve without spirit. Only when they have fled from invaders, and seen their fields burned and their villages looted, do they understand and serve valiantly.”

THOMAS

The borders were closed tight. They snapped shut at midnight. No one from Canada or Mexico was allowed into the United States. The president thought it was time to clean up some loose ends. He called all the troops home, and ordered all foreign bases closed and deactivated. The airplanes were parked in the desert, and all the warships were put at anchor in the gulf. Soldiers, Marines and sailors were put to work on public projects. Thousands were on task, cleaning cities, alleyways, vacant lots, roadways and beaches. The president was elected for a third term by unanimous decree.

#

Johnny was a handful for his HeadStart teacher. Like his classmates, the teacher gave Johnny cartoon outlines to fill with colors – crayon, pastel, tempera, felt tips or colored pencils. Johnny never stayed inside the borders. He spent his art time coloring things outside the boxes. It was how Johnny rolled – even into his adult years. He was always outside the box, busting through the borders. After college, Johnny found work with Homeland Security, working on the Washington-Canada border. He helped hundreds of Northern Koreans find the weak spots in the border, and led them to a new life in Seattle.

#

The situations that Arthur found himself in always seemed to border on the catastrophic. At least that was how he acted. Over the year, he had twenty-nine visits to various doctors and specialists for his back, feet, teeth, lungs, stomach, hernia, and bowels. He had excellent insurance, and soon became addicted to the attention, sympathy, pain meds, and other things that accompanied his medical excursions. He would make everything sound as if he only had a few months to live, and would open the most casual of social encounters with a display of his wounds, stitches, bandages and open sores.

#

Nina was diagnosed as a borderline psychotic. She drifted in and out of an agitated schizophrenic state, depending on her dosage of Haldol, Dolmatil, and Laractil, and some of the newer, atypical antipsychotics like, Risperdal, Zyprexa and Abilify. None of her symptoms disappeared, but they were less intense and easier to cope with. Nina began attending the “Hearing Voices Group” in town, but their voices and her own gave her contradictory advice when she listened carefully. She found a way to make it work for her, becoming very successful on community television and working on line as a Life Coach.

SERENDIPITY

This is the most god-forsaken place in the entire world, and the crappiest job ever!

Sand for miles in every direction; every day passes without incident – the boredom is excruciating – yet here I am: a solitary last bastion of military might, in the middle of nowhere, watching over an imaginary and invisible line; an arbitrary construct of the cartographer’s whim.

So I sit, in the desert heat, in my little steel hut, day after day.

Did I mention the boredom?

So, every day, I move my hut a little further forward – claiming even more new territory for my country!

RICHARD

Border Control

My holiday of a lifetime had been a long time coming, and now it was finally happening! As with all perfect plans, it rapidly went horribly wrong – a faulty alarm clock leading to panic and a potential missed flight out of Thailand.

“You go on and find a tuk-tuk, while I pack your bags”, ordered my room mate, Suki.

Waving me off, she shouted: “I’ve put a little something in your bag for your journey!”

At the border control: “Did you pack your bags yourself, sir?”

It seems the ‘Bangkok Hilton’ was perfectly happy to accommodate another unexpected guest.

Borderline

George’s wife always said that he was borderline OCD – the constant hand-washing, scrubbing down and boxes of latex gloves scattered around the house drove her almost to distraction. Every day she’d tell him to ‘loosen-up’ and tell him he was crazy to take cleanliness to such extremes.

Then, one day, he snapped!

Driving into work, a pigeon smashed into his radiator grill; having prised the gory mess free, George looked at his bloodstained hands… “I’ll show her!”

Arriving at work, forgoing the traditional handwash and gloves, he breezed into theatre and the waiting innards of his first patient.

JEFFREY

Purgatory
by Jeffrey Fischer

The border town baked in the hot desert sun. The small, abandoned mission wasn’t distinguished enough to attract tourists. The corner store did double duty as a grocer’s and a diner, serving food of questionable quality to indifferent patrons. The ramshackle motel was a fading remnant of the 1950s, renting rooms only to those stuck at the crossing overnight.

The few remaining residents were held there by little more than inertia. Soon they too would be gone, and the desert would reclaim the town.

Urban Renewal
by Jeffrey Fischer

The border between the good part of town and the slums was not sharply defined. Instead, a gradual erosion of buildings delineated one area from the next. Real estate agents sold these houses with the claim that the area was “in transition,” a fib if not a bald-faced lie, unless the transition were to be measured by decades rather than years, and even then the direction was uncertain.

Politicians decried the lack of upscale shopping in the border area, as though the working poor and those on and off food stamps were in desperate need of a Whole Foods. Eventually, enough tax money induced a national bookstore chain to open a store. The teenage gangs were grateful for a hangout, especially one with free Wi-Fi.

MEADHBH

the story: Web War II

“Captain Gecko reporting as ordered!” the middle-age, bedraggled officer said as he reported in. Colonel Layout returned his salute and gave his subordinate a quick glance. After years of Web Wars Gecko was still a solid soldier; frayed around the edges, but still solid.

“Gecko,” the colonel started. “This damned campaign has flipped over to quirks mode and reports are the border: just turned red. General staff fears it’ll be dotted with holes after the next event loop”

“Gecko, you have a right to know. Franky, we have reports…”

The rest was lost in the scream of a page reload.

BOTGIRL

Border Crossing

We transit countless borders

on the path between birth and death:

a severed cord; a breath of air;

a piercing cry; a mother’s breast;

a leaning stand; a stumbling step;

a spoken word; the alphabet;

a sweetest kiss; a cap and gown;

a broken heart; a wedding vow;

a newborn child; a parent’s grave;

an empty nest; a spouse estranged;

a hospice bed; the end of pain.

Waves from an endless ocean

Emerging from its infinite depths,

Rising towards the sky

Falling back to sea.

Form is emptiness.

Emptiness is form.

Such are we.

Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha!

ZACKMANN

There was this billboard ad and I wound up driving this guy to Canada so he could go surfboarding. Since he was paying for gas and meals it was a good mini vacation. We met at Borderlands Books then drove north to the Border.

We saw someone being herded south by a pack of multi colored dogs.

My new friend said “Dude, look at that.”

I replied “That’s the latest measure for border security. Gives new meaning to the name, Border Collies?”

“Dude, isn’t that like that one singer?” asked surfboarder.

“Apparently, there are some people Canada doesn’t want returning.”

###

“And we would would have gotten away with it too”

“If it hadn’t been for us meddling kids?” replied the young man with the askot.

“No, if our getaway driver had not been such an idiot. Before that day I thought only people in Douglas Adams books could actually die of embarrassment until my partner did. She and I were hiding under a quilt with borders in the backseat of the getaway car. She says “ Make a run for the border!” She died as police pulled up our quilt and she saw we were in a Taco Bell drive thru ”
zackmann

DAPHNE

Border by Daphne Abernathy

Run to the border they said. So I ran. I ran over hills, through forests, over cover bridges, into the mountains. I took shelter at night and avoided the bears. It took 3 days, but I made it. They said it would be worth the trek. I hope they didn’t lie, I’m starving.

I walked into the place. It was very crowded but everyone seemed so friendly. I walk up to the counter “I want a Chulupa.”

The man just smiled then said “Welcome to Tim Hortons, would you like a coffee and some TimBits?”

Dammit, wrong border.

JUSTIN

I stood in the warpgate looking at the map. Areas of blue, purple and green overlaid the map, showing the territories and who controlled them. I decided to deploy to a hot zone to support the New Conglomerate in holding a facility.

I deployed in my drop pod. I saw directly below me the onslaught of enemy tanks. My pod headed right towards them. I adjusted the aim, hoping I would hit one and damage or destroy the tank.

Instead, the pod broke apart around me, the tank apparently unharmed, and the enemy cut me down in about two seconds.

SEICHER

BORDER
Warm feet flat against worn old wooden floor
Palms pressed against cold glass pane
Breath up close leaving fog
In—gone
Out—cloud
Views past across the broken lane.

Past the bramble guards and the sentry oaks
Lay hold swells of green perfect cloaks.
Over there, in the sweetly refined air,
Fresh leaves flutter on softest winds.

Over there, as bright colored confetti
Flits cardinals, golden finches,
Idyllic laughter wafting on currents
Kept safely within boundaries.

Keeping stead the literal line so close
To touch, a million miles away,
The pocked pavement is drawn clear between
Containing them — curtailing us.

MUNSI

Bordering on Madness

By Christopher Munroe

We have to secure our borders with Madness, immediately!

For too long we’ve allowed Mad Men to cross freely, taking jobs in advertising from our own native-born citizens, and this must stop.

We must build a wall, and patrol it with drones, lest this unfair illegal immigration continue unabated, to do otherwise would be mad!

If we allow the free travel of the mad into our nation, before long we’ll be nothing more than a madhouse!

A madhouse!!!

Also: Make the wall soundproof. I like Madness, but if I hear One Step Beyond one more time, I’m going to snap…

SINGH

Stories on the Rim

Singh

1. On the rim of light and dark, yesterday and tomorrow, you are the sand and I am the sky. Here between us? A stack of driftwood.

when the tide goes out

I take a fire stick

smouldering in coals,

I nudge an ember

you blow it pink-green

till it flames up

like the core of an opal

fire rainbows on

and grows and spreads

till the rich ember

is sucked dry of its

aurora borealis

lit gas on black coal

lights up the horizon

the pinkish-green and red

fire-break of sunset

like this we glow large

through metaphor

2. On the rim of sea, sand, sky and bay, of dark and epi-dark we see a beach possum. It doesn’t give a damn about us.

the surf has a lisp

the night’s a thug

the wind slaps hard

across the promenade

two walkers think big

yet talk of nothing

a gust is at large

on no-man’s sand

blowing bad needles

across the scrap kingdom

the pizza box flaps

between the tussocks

wafting its grease —

a pheromone come-on

to a lout with a snout

walking this way

this lord of leftovers

with tail skunk-upright

has left the tree

3. On the rim of suburb and surf, the train line rattles at the ear’s border rushing off elsewhere to avoid being relevant.

sunset shared its pink sparkle

now darkness takes no snaps

as phone text breaks news

these breakers pound the shore

o iPad don’t push your message

(yes, beach grass prick my arse)

big receptions, small glasses of sour grapes

the wind blows raspberries

what’s this? a local golf ball

lost ambition in a tussock

governments are wet castles

(pst! who’s dumping down the next?)

take this chocolate bar now

chew a chunk of wow

an election’s coming?

(vote for seagulls)

4. On the rim, sex’s recreational drug…

I won’t say no to lying down with you

letting you fiddle with my weekend fun

when your tongue advances on my tongue

I’ll gladly be your jet ski on a surf run

I’ll give you casual rights to take the bait,

letting you work your sand-butt attitude

rake your nails, ride the moby, yowl

heaven’s beach just wants us to stay nude

rub static from hard nipples through my chest

get strange night vision through the will of two

then see five million body hairs rise up

all erect in unison with you

5. On the rim of sand, the surf rolls in to tell what’s classical.

afterwards, might be a let down — stalking the wave needs strong coffee

recuperate out of earshot while surf breakers blag at the rocks

dogs will be walking owners, snuffling shore crab and kelp scrap

bathers come out to play truant with their nine-to-five jelly brain tiredness

so go steal back coin from the sea that swallows bikinis and iron men

whale-ride the wave of the bay as the muscle that flexes your moment

but know the ocean’s cold shoulder cares nothing at all for us

6. On the rim of the real and the virtual I remember a presiding presence.

was there a lighthouse? where? no one can say

beyond the rocks and detonating white

now seldom do the boats come past this way

there is no scribble, secret map, or essay,

there is no lamp, or flapping weather kite

was there a lighthouse here? no one can say

they claim the beam was visible from the highway

now lit by neon sign and traffic light

and seldom do the boats come past this way

Although its home remains a hideaway

I need to find a corridor to the starlight

if there’s no lighthouse – how? no one can say

did it once shine here, or is it hearsay?

who built the tower once so firmly upright?

now seldom do the boats come past this way

nothing is firm beneath the Milky Way,

yet, I need a bridge to cross from day to night

is there a lighthouse? where? no one can say

if one could see it on this moonless bay,

above the waves – a white road through the night,

if one could see the lighthouse he could say,

and all the boats might start to come this way

7. At the rim of ocean, there is no beach, just the waiting

because the night is thick behind the pines

just wait it out upon your couch

because the waves are ranting over the rocks

fight them back with stereo knobs

because this house is lighting up the coast

why should a boat not come this way?

because the fire logs are made of brass

remember comfort pays your rent

because the night is only half the coin

go make some tea and sit because

sunrise needs to see her in the doorway

for this, you spend your nights with words

LIZZIE

“They’re children, children!” An armed man looked at the bus driver with doped eyes. “No.” The frustration amongst the adults of the convoy was palpable. 375 tired and restless kids kept their eyes wide open. They were so young, piled up inside the buses, uncomfortable and very thirsty. In the control post, armed men held rusted katanas. Suddenly, a local authority talked to them. The convoy rushed away. The children finally arrived at the safety of a border and a foreign home. When interviewed, the man responsible for the convoy simply replied “I only answered the voice of my conscience.”

DONDO

Billy had tickets to see Velvet Crush, the rock band he’d waited to see for years. The car was loaded up for the drive to the club, a couple hours away near the border. The smartphone was running GPS for the trip, which Billy was following closely.
His excitement grew when the GPS spoke in a robotic voice, “Concert Club one mile away”, but his heart dropped when it continued, “200 yards beyond the border”. Billy drove up to the crossing and parked on the side of the road, fearful.
He’d heard too many stories about nausea and crashes at borders, and was afraid to cross.

RICK THOMAS

Clinton and Temple Hills were separated by a forest with a creek running right down the middle. That creek was the border for the young boys of those two towns. At the time we knew each other only well enough to know which side of that border we DIDN’T belong on.

Get yourself caught on the wrong side of that creek and you were setting yourself up for a real good beating!

We weren’t punks or bullies … just instinctively territorial!

50 years later … we’re all good friends now!

ALL good men!

All grateful for the lessons learned in those woods!!!

MIATA

I stood at the back of the room. All the family was crying, but I had seen that many
times before. Actually, there were times when I had observed no one upset at a body
crossing the border to the beyond.
In dealings with passings, I have seen family members counting the minutes until
their inheritance, and that’s when, if I had my own say, I would take them all. But, I have
orders to obey……unfortunately.
The worst deaths, are when no one is there to mourn. Sadly, even though I am the
death angel, I still have feelings.

FRANK

Frank was telling me how, in the old days, there weren’t always clear borders between nations.
“They had what they call marches. There wasn’t a line on the ground as such. It was an area of land between two countries. In fact, the title Marquis was what you called the guy in charge. Things were fuzzier back then. It was good to have some space between kingdoms so if someone trespassed; it wasn’t such a big deal. The border wasn’t so strict, see? That was a good thing.”
I told Frank to keep his damned dog out of my yard.

TOM

Maintain Order at the Border with Mortar. The banner over the wall read. Both sides were fond of lobbing explosives at each other. Over time the deadzone on either side of the wall extended to the edge of their respective capitals. Feed-up with the drum-beat of war all the mothers gathered up their babies made for the border. To punish their flagrant act of disloyalty both sides fired their missiles. The women at the wall watched rockets arch overhead vaporizing their respective capitals. The women cut holes in the wall, but left the banner to fly free in full folly.

RED

How do you miss something you never had? Lola is haunted by a recurring dream where she opens a door and watches her father walks away. She never sees his face, and he doesn’t look back. She heard random stories about him while eavesdropping on grown folk’s talk. Her mother can’t even say his name without anger in her eyes. Her grandmother often says Lola has his wit and wisdom. She’s flattered but frustrated to be compared to an invisible man. Even outside the hotel, she exists on the border. She is exposed to the world, yet lives in fragments.

NORVAL JOE

Flerdy lay on the bank of a small stream, dipping a net into the water. Covered from head to toe to fingertips in his ‘Second Skin’ dermal protective suit, and wearing protective goggles he looked like a giant, grey salamander. Borle stood a meter away wearing the standard-issue orange environmental suit.
“You could have saved yourself a million creds and just worn a flight-issue suit like mine,” Borle said.
Before Flerdy could respond a man stepped out of the rainforest, pulse-rifle aimed at Borle’s chest, and said, in a vaguely Irish accent, “Border Patrol. Put your hands in the air.”

Widow Finklestien hummed as she loaded the few dishes into the dishwasher, thinking it would take just enough time for Missy Angelina Finklestien to take care of her business in the back yard.
On a meager pension, the widow, Wilma, had saved for years to buy the border collie puppy.
The dog was the offspring of two grand champions and tomorrow morning she would be bred with another champion. Wilma already counted the dollars from the sale of the litter.
As she opened the door a streak of silver shot away from Missy and through a hole under the fence.

PLANET Z

If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.

I was driving down by the border when I saw him.

The Buddha.

So, I swerved and hit him.

I had to beat him with the tire iron a few times.

Now that I have a chance to look him over, I realize something.

He’s not the Buddha.

So, I tossed him into the trunk and drove out to the woods.

Where I buried the others.

They weren’t Buddha, either.

I’ll keep looking, though.

Maybe, one day, I’ll find him.

The Buddha.

On the road.

And I will kill him.

Wander

We put WANDER INDIANA on the license plates as a warning.
That place… there’s no describing it.
It’s a gateway to Hell, the purest evil.
But some people never listen.
Another stack of battered license plates arrives at the office.
I look them up in the system, checking Missing Persons reports.
Damned.
We tried to call Washington, but they said “We tore up the roads and fenced it off for a reason. Stay away from there” and hung up.
Google blanked out the area on their maps, but it just tempts the curious.
Damn fools, wandering Hell for all eternity.

This Is

The hospital room has yellow notes on everything. I read them as I drag the drip stand around.
This is a chair.
This is a door.
This is a mirror.
I stare at the bandaged and bloody figure in the mirror.
A horror movie monster, putrid and burned. It shocks me when it moves.
This is a nightmare.
This is an abomination.
I read the bag on the drip stand:
This is retromutagen.
The door opens; This is a robot enters.
The staff cannot risk exposure.
Again.
I wasn’t careful. One bit me.
Now, I understand why.
This is… hunger.

The Dust

We hide down in the dusty catacombs of the old city, huddling tighter with every thud and shudder when the bombs fall.
The museums… the palaces…
They are all empty, and I look around at the few treasures we managed to rescue.
And then, a loud blast, and part of the ceiling caves in.
Screaming. Shouting.
People yelling ARE YOU ALIVE IN THERE and HELP, but it’s just too heavy to move.
More screaming.
I try to dig, and I pull out an arm.
It is from one of the catacomb’s ancient residents.
More thuds. More dust falls.
More screams.

O’Meter

Paddy O’Brien slammed down his mug and let loose a loud belch.
“That be an eight on the burp-o-meter!” he shouted to the rest of the bar.
The bartender tapped Paddy on the shoulder. “That be a four.”
He held up a small device which showed a large red 4 in LEDs.
“Balderdash!” sneered Paddy, pulling out his iPhone and proudly showed the 8 on it.
The bartender took the iPhone, closed the app, and read the icon.
“Fart-o-meter,” he said. “That’s a whole different scale, Paddy.”
Paddy frowned, but brightened up when the bartender filled up his mug again.

Poe

For decades, a stranger in a long coat, scarf and hat would leave three roses and a half-empty bottle of cognac at the grave of Edgar Allen Poe on the writer’s birthday.
But recently, the stranger has failed to show up, and people are starting to worry.
Has the stranger gone forever?
What happened to them?
I’m sad about the loss of another of life’s romantic mysteries.
There’s no more Bermuda Triangle.
Or Bigfoot.
Or Loch Ness Monster.
No miracles, no monsters.
All of the things we knew not to be true but still believed in are fading away.
Gone.

Skeletons in the Closet

Why is it that reporters always look for skeletons in the closet?
You’d think politicians would have figured out by now to put their skeletons in the attic or the basement, or stick them in a rented storage unit.
Why not donate the skeleton to a school to teach anatomy?
Or a haunted house to scare people?
And why is it a skeleton in the closet? Whatever happened to the wolfman?
Can’t be a vampire. Coffins take up too much space. Unless it’s a walk-in closet.
How about a mummy?
At least a mummy can be kept under wraps, right?

Weekly Challenge #360 – St. Patrick’s Day

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was St. Patrick’s Day.

And we’ve got stories by a lot of people:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of Border.

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post… this obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Myst yawn


MARC

B.K. is up much earlier than usual this morning. She has much to do. She quickly downs her coffee – black, scorching hot. She loads up her bag “I can’t forget the cut-outs”. She checks herself in the mirror and adjusts her leprechaun pin, grabs a cigarette leaving the pack on the coffee table. She arrives at the school and takes her last drag. In her room she begins flipping over chairs and desks – placing green paper-cut out footprints all over. Her students arrive sometime later. “We had a visitor last night,” she greets them “I think it was a Leprechaun!”

THOMAS

My uncle Ted was a fat, Irish cop in Connecticut. Every Saint Pat’s day, I would go to his house and watch Uncle Ted get drunk. He would make up stories about St. Patrick, and offer outlandish toasts as the adults at the table downed gallons of beer and whiskey. “May all of your children be born naked”, was the toast I remember most of all, as I was a youngster, and anything that mentioned naked was about sex, and even more titillating and obliging to my wee ears. These were the grand memories I carried into my senior years.

#

Uncle Ted would squeeze or pinch Aunt Tina’s bottom at the dining table, thinking no one would notice, but she always yelped and batted his hand away. Everyone knew what was going on. He was not the first swollen-faced, boozer to use his cigar to explore a lady’s anatomy, either. Uncle Ted always had a cigar, lit or unlit, in his mouth, and often took a bite of ham or sausage with the cigar still gripped in his teeth. He was an ox of a man. His nose, crisscrossed with red veins, his eyes, watery and swollen. My role model.

#

Ted loved his cats and his girlfriend, although she spent most of the day on the couch, smoking, playing with her hair…twisting the ends, and sucking on them. She was mad as a hatter. A real nutter. Ted worked part time doing yard care. He whacked weeds, mowed lawns, trimmed, pruned, and raked. With the extra money he had at the end of the week, he’d buy a wad of Lotto tickets, hoping to strike it rich. He never won, but he had hope he’d strike it big. He was struck by lightning, twice, the day he won the mega-jackpot.

BOTGIRL

Bruce is one of the strangest cats I’ve ever known. A big guy with a round face, bulging eyes and an Abe Lincoln beard, he looked like an overstuffed giant leprechaun with a severe case of Graves Disease. Bruce claimed he was a hereditary Druid priest and had been forced to flee Minnesota because of religious persecution. He loved to get drunk and wax poetic about nubile women serving as naked alters in deep-woods rituals of bacchanal debauchery. He hated St. Patrick so much that March 17 was the only day of the year he stayed cold stone sober.

JEFFREY

The Color of Envy
by Jeffrey Fischer

They say green is the color of envy, but that’s wrong. I say it’s blue.

I saw her at the bar at a St. Patrick’s Day party. She was breathtakingly beautiful, and her easy laugh made my heart beat a little faster.

I tried, I really did. She rebuffed my every effort to talk to her, preferring instead to stay with *him*. She touched his arm, giggled at his jokes.

Now I’m blue. Without her, I no longer see the point in happiness. She’s blue, too, lying in the alley beside her building where I strangled her with her scarf.

Blue. The color of envy.

World Domination will have to Wait
by Jeffrey Fischer

Zyrzec felt a meaty hand pound his back and he spewed green beer across the bar. *Dammit, I’m a galactic conquerer, not a mascot.* But he was a short, green, pointy-eared alien on St. Patrick’s Day, so he wasn’t entirely surprised when a group of half-drunk frat boys pointed at him, stuck a leprechaun hat on his head, and dragged him to the bar as their lucky charm. At least they bought his beer, disgusting as the substance was.

He glared at the offender. “Do that again, buddy, and I’ll blast your ass past Andromeda.”

That’s when the crowd turned on Zyrzec. No one likes a grumpy leprechaun. They picked him up, threw him on the street, and slammed the bar door shut. They even kept the hat.

SEICHER

They came, thieves in the night. The livestock panicked but the noise was too late for the sleepers to react. Dressed only in nightclothes, the boy raced to the yard. The last things he saw, before being shoved to the ground, were his parents clinging to each other while the torches and the pack swooped around them like demons of the dark. Bound and carried off while unconscious, he awoke in the pitching, putrid dankness of what he later learned was an Irish raider’s ship hold. He was no longer the son of patricians but cargo with an uncertain future.

TURA

“Well, well, what’s this, a pair of hobbitses? And on this St. Paddy’s Night! Ye’re a ways from home, are ye no? We don’t like hobbitses around here.” The leprechaun grinned evilly and spat. “We don’t like hobbitses anywhere!” The rest of the gang stood up from the long grass, shillelaghs and hatchets drawn.

The fight was quickly over. The leprechauns stripped the bodies and started a cooking fire.

“Elvish swords, elvish cloak-pins, and a big gold ring. Looks like these were two important little hobbitses!” guffawed the leader, sucking the marrow out of a shinbone. “Ain’t so important now!”

MUNSI

The Reason for the Season

By Christopher Munroe

…and Patrick was like “that’s it! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plains of Ireland!” and drove them into the sea!

And that’s what we’re celebrating.

Will that be reflected in how we celebrate?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

No. Little will be said about Saint Patrick, no mention will be made of snakes. Still, we’ll celebrate.

We’ll wear green, affect fake accents and hit Irish pubs, and fun will be had.

Is this appropriate? Perhaps not, but it’s what we’re doing.

Now get out there and drink!

Shine on, faux-Irish douche-bags, shine on!

LIZZIE

Unlucky 400-leaf clover

A drink or four, then he trotted back home, his paces tick-tacking at the command of his watch. He didn’t remember when he started doing that or even when he started walking the less populated streets. At pace 400, he looked around and found a grin, one who would never grin again. He knew the police was perplexed, struggling to catch him, but this was his day, his routine, wearing some green, doing some drinking, some singing and, to help with his headaches, some hunting. Fortunately for him, it worked. The last look on their faces wasn’t as fortunate though…

SERENDIPITY

The week’s assignment was ‘St Patrick’s Day’: Inwardly I groaned… How many phoney Irish accents would this spawn?

Obviously, there’d be shamrocks, leprechauns and at least one rendering of ‘Molly Malone’ over a glass or two of Guinness, with the inevitable whiskey chaser. Maybe even the odd Baileys’ coffee! And would it be too much to expect not to be handed a harrowing potato famine tale, or political rant about ‘The Troubles’, just for once?

Not for the first time, I found myself wishing the creative writing curriculum could be a little more creative, and involve a little less writing!

TOM

Kissed the Stone Twice

You may find this hard to believe but my grandfather went to school with St Patrick, so course he wasn’t a saint back then. Pat was pretty wicked with a Hurling stick and not one to pass on a pull of the water of life. Grandma says there were quite close being sold into slavery and all. When they final got back It was my grandfather’s idea to round up all the snakes which worked out pretty good for both of them. Patrick converted Ireland and my grandfather became the first man to make a fortune off of snake oil.

MIATA

Jade handed another green beer to a customer.
“Happy St. Patrick’s Day!”, she giggled. Her life of freedom, the one she had fought so hard for, was just coming back.
“Married to a control freak does have it’s advantages.”, she said smilin’, “and when I think of one I’ll let ya’ll know.”
Mike was intrigued by Jade’s light heartedness to her former dilema. He knew what she had gone through to get out. He knew she had left things she’d cherished behind, barely escaping with her life. Now, her wink said it all. She was free and his.

ISHTAR

Drinking Problem: by Ishtar

It was Saint Paddy’s Day when I learned the truth. The sad man sitting at the bar, blood shot eyes, nervous tick.

He was God. So I bought him a beer.

“I had a plan” he said. “A pinch of Artistry here, a touch of hero’s there, but it all went wrong.

He explained creation was like baking. The right mix of ingredients, bake it at a high temperature, and you get life.

“So what went wrong” I asked.

“The ingredient lid fell off, I added to many assholes.”

And that kids is the reason grandma does not drink anymore.

ZACKMANN

“Hello, I see you come in always in the holiday spirit. You get candy on Valentine’s Day, pie on March fourteenth, corned beef and cabbage on Saint Patrick’s Day, eggs and food coloring on Easter, corn chips on Cinco de Mayo, as well as turkey and yams on Thanksgiving. Do you have big Saint Patrick’s Day plans?”
“Sorry, to disappoint but bit more of the spirit of frugality than a holiday spirit since those are the times of years those things are on sale. Other than going to work after listening to some Marc Gunn, no Saint Paddy’s Day plans.”

CLIFF

Ok, it’s pretty clear that he was a very important figure in spreading Christianity in Ireland.
Aye, he brought the faith to Ireland first.
Actually, historical records show that before him, there were …
He was FIRST!
Ok, fine. Maybe he was. And I’ll grant you that the legend claims he drove out all the snakes even though there is no evidence that there were ever snakes in Ireland.
Sure there were. They were everywhere and he drove ‘em out.
Whatever. But, once and for all, Saint Patrick did not invent beer.
That’s a damn lie!
Oh, I give up.

DONDO

The Guinness was ready, and shamrocks were placed everywhere. Billy had his tacky, bright green leprechaun suit dry-cleaned and ready for the weekend.
Business was really tough lately. The regulars were dying of liver failure or “getting healthy” and drinking less, and Billy’s country bar was really struggling. But a couple years ago, he had a brilliant idea. He changed to whole bar into an Irish pub for one week of the year, when all the cowboys claimed to be from the Emerald Isle. Billy was making enough in that week to stay afloat the rest of the year.
This year, he even hired a ginger.

NORVAL JOE

“We’ll orbit for an hour while the drive and our internal organs neutralize. Then we’ll descend to the planet,” Borle said reclining his chair.
“How can you tell if our internal organs have been transferred?” Flerdie asked.
“Do you have gas?”
“Yeah. So?”
“I don’t, anymore,” Borle giggled.
“The planet’s completely green,” Flerdie said, changing the subject. “How do you know there will be fish there?”
“The planet’s named O’Gillyham, terra formed 500 years ago by Patrick O’Carroll, a displaced Irish potato farmer. The green of the planet comes from all the plants. That many plants need lots of water.”

Dergill wrapped Long John Silver in a towel and dabbed hydrogen peroxide on a festering wound on the dog’s side. The old dog squirmed at first, but was soon fast asleep inside the towel. He had cut himself the week before while escaping his kennel to frolic among the females.
Dergill had a silly thought. While the dog slept he saturated it’s coat with peroxide. He didn’t want to hurt the wiener dog, so he avoided the eyes, mouth, and tail.
After fifteen minutes with green food coloring, Dergill decided Long John looked more like a zombie than a leprechaun.

SINGH

The St Patrick’s Day Curse

Chris Mooney-Singh

1. The Pilgrims

I’ve heard the pilgrimage story a hundred times in our local Melbourne pub, looking into my glass darkly filled with Guinness as Dad tells his tale again:

“Lionel and Liam – our long-gone great-grand uncles decided to make pilgrimage to Old Man Wise in the woods. On reaching Flanagan’s Fork, Lionel looked left and saw the house of Tara, the beauty who lived on the hill.

‘“Liam, I will meet you here on your way back. We’ll go together tomorrow, Lad.”’

With that, he made haste for the prostitute, leaving Liam to pilgrimage on alone to Old Man Wise’s campfire.”

2. The Itch

“The next day at Flanagan’s Fork, Lionel again got that itch in his trousers for the flaming redhead.

‘“I’m off to Tara’s, lad. I’ll be waiting here for you.”’

“Liam the serious younger brother continued on to Old Man Wise. He sat, listened, then returned stepping on a blackthorn branch puncturing his foot. He limped shoeless back to the crossroads. There waiting , Lionel in high spirits kicked a rock and uncovered a gold coin with a bust of Charles II on one side and the Irish Cross on the other:

‘”Well, wouldn’t you know it. Lady Luck is smiling on me.”’

3. Fate

“On the third day Liam dragged Lionel past Tara’s infamous house on to Old Man Wise. He couldn’t understand how his brother who’d visited the prostitute twice had found a gold coin, while he, the faithful pilgrim had only earned a thorn in the foot for his troubles. What was God playing at?

Old Man Wise smiled: ‘“Well, Lionel was to find a pot of gold,’’’ he said, ‘“But because of his trouser hunger found but a single coin, while you, Liam destined to be mauled by a wolf, changed your fate to a thorn-prick due to your pilgrim piety.”’

4. The Migration

“My father tells the tale every year. Inevitably someone asks ‘“What happened to the two brothers?”’

“This is where I get really uncomfortable with all this family fable stuff.

‘“Liam’s pilgrim piety hardened into pride,”’ Dad says, ‘“Whereas, after Lionel realised his foolish loss he repented his loose ways.”’ Dad goes on: ‘“Well, the brothers migrated here in 1882 and took up horse-breaking for a living.”’

“This is where I get up to go and relieve myself, but Dad, noticing me skipping out on his story orders: ‘“Bring a fresh round, will you Son. We’ll wait until you get back.”’

5. The Curse

Returning, I plonk the Guinness pints down.

Dad continues: “One day, Liam boasted he’d tame the lead brumby brought in from the mountains, but the stallion threw him and the fool broke his bloody neck.”

“Yeah, yeah. Pride takes a fall, Dad.”

“Son, you think life’s different nowadays? I named you Liam Lionel Fogerty for a reason.”

“It’s like a family curse.”

“We’ve all got a Liam and a Lionel inside. Which one rules you, Son?”

So speaks dear old Dad who has become Old Man Wise.

With that, he raises a dark glass to toast the ancestors and my future.

REDGODDESS

Hotels are the perfect refuge for people who can’t say no to temptations. Every corner you turn, there is a substance that Lola should avoid. There are left over glazed donuts and stale chips in the cafeteria. Cake in the dining room for a staff birthday who’s not even working today. Her Manager has liquor hidden in plain sight in her desk. Standing in the lobby, wearing a green scarf, wishing guests “Happy St.Patty’s Day,” is her best escape. Let’s pretend all is jolly while she rewinds her worries in silence. Some people don’t need an occasion to misbehave under the influence. The bar will be packed with countless lost souls for Happy Hour. She will leave on the dot tonight. She has zero tolerance for privileged drunks with an ax to grind.

PLANET Z

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

Bullshit. He never drove snakes anywhere.

In fact, he carried a sack of snakes with him everywhere.

He gave them out to kids like Rockefeller handed out nickels and dimes

Kids love snakes. They crawl all over their shoulders and along their arms and eat mice…

Well, okay. They love the crawly not-bitey snakes

Nobody likes the bitey ones.

Even when they’re non-poisonous, the bites still suck.

Maybe St. Patrick got mixed up and gave away a poisonous snake or two.

No wonder why they martyred the son of a bitch.

Circus Ballet

Attendance for the ballet is down.
Way down.
Attendance for the circus is also way down.
So, the ballet and the circus were merged into productions like Circe du Soleil.
But it also produced abominations like Elephant Lake.
What’s Elephant Lake?
Take Swan Lake, remove the swan, and fill the stage with elephants.
The Mouse King from Nutcracker showed up, and the elephants stampeded.
But that’s not the worst of it.
The second act has Russian dancing bears dressed up in tutus.
Ever tried to put a tutu and slippers on to a bear?
I’d rather be stampeded by elephants.