R. – Page 569 – The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Eight Weddings And A Funeral

Elizabeth Taylor’s publicist announced that the Academy Award-winning actress died at the age of 79.
What does she do now?
No, not Elizabeth. Her job’s done.
Sure, there will be endorsements, licensing, and re-releases of her movies until the end of time, but that’s for her estate to do. The woman has a funeral or two to attend, and that’s it.
I’m thinking about the publicist. Unless she’s got other clients, her gig’s done.
Some folks are praying for the soul of Elizabeth Taylor.
Me, I’m praying for the publicist. I hope they get work soon in this awful economy.

Making Yesterday Better

Want to know how to make today better?
Look at it in hindsight tomorrow.
Everything’s better once you get past it.
The bad stuff, well, it’s over. Lick your wounds and move on.
The good stuff, you have memories of. Helps you to get through the bad stuff.
Either way, no matter what you’re going through, it’s always better when it’s in the past.
As for the future, that’s another story.
Who knows what will be in your path, and if you look far enough ahead, the path’s eventually going to come to an end.
Race you to the finish!

Weekly Challenge #267 – “Ocean”

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Sixty-Seven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was Ocean

There’s an error with PollDaddy and WP-Polls at the moment, so here’s the authors for this week:

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.

Seaeaven

Hiking on the ocean is beautiful. After we set up camp at the end of a day, I went to gather wood for the fire.

“Be careful,” said the Scoutmaster. I listened to him about as much as I ever did.

I walked along the path, gathering wood. Rounding a bush, I almost ran into a black bear five feet away.

We stared at each other. Then, we each turned and ran in opposite directions.

That night, as I lay there, I knew every sound I heard was that bear looking for me. Even the waves crashing on the sand.

Guard13007

Could there ever be? Such a wonderful thing as the sea? The poem died after that, a stupid grin on my face. The ocean was so lovely, but I still couldn’t come up with a poem to encapsulate its wonders.

I walked down the street to the heavy wall blocking the beach from the city. Too bad I could never find a way around it, every time there was a way, the bodies showed the way to close it, and they always closed it quickly. Someday I will make it, I will get around to see the monsters for myself.

Tom

Danny Ocean was cool, well actually Frank Sinatra was cool. Here’s a man who pretty much puts Las Vegas on the map and he makes a movies about robbing said city. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. That’s cool. Event the remake with George Clooney, Danny Ocean was cool. American’s have this love affair with heist films. We can resist the man with a plan. My personal favorite has Maximilian Schell in the Danny Ocean role with a plan to rob the Topkapi museum. What’s cool about every iteration of Danny Ocean is the plan does them in.

Kyle

I fell over the side of the boat and felt the cool ocean water embrace me.

Beneath me I saw a sea turtle. He gestured for me to follow. I swam down; the water rushed by like wind over my skin. I couldn’t believe how fast I was going.

My hands felt weird. I saw that there were webbed membranes forming between my fingers.

My feet stretched and my toes became flippers.

I felt calm.

I sped along and saw the turtle beside me. Our eyes met and I remembered my old friend.

I exhaled bubbles and I could breathe.

Zackmann

Martin was in the middle of the ocean which was really weird since there has been no ocean in
North Dakota for thousands of years.
He saw a squarish ship. Thankfully someone threw him a rope and pulled him out of the water.
On the deck an older man asked “Have you seen my son?” another said “Beware of ” Martin
asked “the one legged man?” “Don’t be silly boy, be ware of the hairy mango!” “What sort of a
ship is this?” Uniformed man said “Hello, I am Captain Cheyenne. I am afraid your stuck in a
story ark”

More than simple surveillance, Martin knew part of being a spy is
learning leveragable information. So it was with this dark motive he
targeted Chelsea Ocean, a senior. The mission he set for himself was to
discover intimate knowledge of her person and threaten to tell a geek,
so the geek would then seem to have intimate knowledge of her person. He
installed the video transmitter in the broken towel dispenser in the
girls lockerroom. Mission failure when the gym mistress, Miss Harch,
stood in front of that dispenser. However, he did learn Miss Harch
enjoyed watching the girls shower.

Daniel W.

“As it turned out, it wasn’t global warming that caused the ocean levels to rise; it was the return of Atlantis. The reappearance of the continent caused tsunamis and flooding along both coasts of the Atlantic Ocean–”

“Yes, yes – we know that,” the Senator snapped. “Your expedition was to find out how and why Atlantis returned.”

“According to the Atlantians, every five millennia a continent is set adrift through the multiverse, hopping from one dimension to the next at random intervals. When it returns, another takes its place…” I hesitated before delivering the bad news. “North America is next.”

TerrazaByte

SeaWorld in Orlando, FL is home to Bob & Tony, the smartest dolphins in the world. Yesterday, a famous oceanographer was testing his latest device that interprets the dolphins’ clicks and squeaks into an audible speech that we all can understand.
This device confirmed Bob & Tony’s true intelligence.

“Hey Sly, why do you think they keep calling us Bob & Tony?”

“Not sure Floppy Fin, they’re not the brightest of species that we’ve had the opportunity to train.”
“Now for this training session, let’s work on getting them to climb a ladder over our pool and serve us dinner.”

Monroe J.

The Ocean of Ideas is a rocky one. Rolling waves and cresting swells of ideas and concepts churn the deep fathoms of the subconscious. However, reality is a seagull that pecks you in the head distracting you from this Posidean rollercoaster. I swatted the gull away and I got hit starboard side by an idea for a story. I almost capsized. I altered my course and pointed the prow of my boat towards the glistening horizon determined to master this Ocean of Ideas. It was then I saw a friend whizz by in his clockwork speedboat. Ah dammit. Splash!

Norval Joe

Kelp swayed back and forth as the dark green water rose and fell among the pilings of the pier.
“You can’t talk to me, Skip,” Feruncula whispered. “You know my dad will flip if he sees us together.”
“Well, run away with me,” Skip said with unhindered enthusiasm. “Forget Daddy and come explore the oceans with me.”
“You know I can’t do that,” Feruncula said. “I’m a barnicle and your…. planton. Besides, I don’t love you.”
She must have seen the stricken look in his beady eyes.
“Don’t be sad,” she said, “there are plenty of fish in the sea.”

Peisi

She sighed. The sight. A patch of blue embellished with tiny sparkling jewels of sunshine that twinkled like stars in the heat. A cloud of white stretching across the sky to form that parallel in the distance that never ceased to grow. As a child, she would watch it shimmer as she worked to bury her feet in the sand. She would lie on her back with her eyes closed as she willed for the salty waves to take her far away. But as the waters turned redder and herself older, she realized, that it was never going to happen.

S.T.N.M.

The oceans of Venus slip over my head. Finally, I can breathe properly again.

Raina slides into the thick atmosphere to my right. Her shape, like mine, resembles the long cylinder of a porpoise. Radar and telemetry keep us together despite the waves and currents of the thick atmosphere. I remember the fiction of my father’s youth.

“It’s like the orbital elevator ships are fishing,” I commoed.

Her right eye fixes on me. “The only thing to fish for in this hellhole is us.” A flick of her tail sends her toward base.

I still watch out for Venusian kraken.

Planet Z

In fourteen ninety-two
Columbus sailed
The ocean blue

That’s what your teachers would like you to believe.

Worthless rubbish.

He never went with his first three expeditions.

Too cowardly.

Instead, he paid off the harbormaster, and he was ferried out to the ship before it docked.

By the time the fourth voyage was ready to set out, Columbus wanted to see all the wonders of the New World with his own eyes, instead of relaying them secondhand from his explorers and sailors.

Bad idea.

Stranded in Jamaica for a year, his men told him “No more voyages, you incompetent fool.”

Never see you again

You said you never wanted to see me again.
So, I went down into my basement workshop and invented an invisibility cloak.
Which didn’t work out so great. It’s just a sheet you couldn’t see.
I mean, yeah, that’s kinda cool, but doesn’t really get the job done.
I thought about bringing you down into the workshop with me and then turning off the lights so you couldn’t see me, but I still wanted to see you.
That’s when I decided to go with a third option:
Keep that blindfold on, Janey, or I’ll have to tear your eyes out.

Limits

Mom said that life is all about limits.
Some of are hard limits, like the speed of light.
Others are soft limits, like the speed limit on the highway. You can go faster than that, although you might get pulled over.
With experience, you learn which limits are hard and which are soft.
The cop isn’t impressed by my story, and he hands me a ticket for speeding.
I thank him and check the cargo.
The hyperdrive in the trailer is fine.
The boys at the lab are going to love this one, I think, and start the truck up.

Just Drive!

You know how in the movies, some guy gets in a cab, the cab driver says “Where to?” and the guy says “Just drive!” and the cab driver says “It’s your dime, pal.” and he pulls out into traffic and drives around?
Well, that happens to me all the time.
Every time.
For twenty years, I’ve driven a cab, and all I ever do is drive it in circles.
I offer to take people to bars or restaurants or hotels.
But all I ever get is “Just drive!”
I’m going to “just drive” right off of a bridge one day!

Froggy

Froggy went a courtin’, he did ride.
Sword and pistol by his side.
He was also a little drunk.
Okay, very drunk. Drunk as a skunk.
Except that the skunk he ended up courtin’ wasn’t drunk.
She was sober, and uninterested in Froggy.
Froggy wouldn’t take no for an answer.
So, the skunk sprayed him right in his gigantic bulbous eyes.
Froggy spun in circles, screaming bloody murder. We laughed.
We weren’t laughing when he pulled the pistol and began shooting wildly.
Killed three.
And really impressed the skunk.
(Later, Froggy sobered up, saw his bride, the skunk, and ran.)

The Shoe Tree

My parents resisted the temptation to give sarcastic answers to my stupid questions, but they caved in every so often.
“They grow on trees,” my mother said, exhausted from my asking where shoes come from for the tenth time that morning. “In fact, the tree on the corner is a shoe tree.”
She pointed to the plum bush.
“Why don’t I see shoes on it?” I asked.
“They grow at night,” said my dad. “Neighbors steal them.”
I spent a week camped out on the lawn, trying to stand guard over the shoe tree.
I got a case of pneumonia.

Descent

As I stood by the grave, there was a loud bang and the coffin’s descent halted.
The motorized winch had shorted out again.
We’ve been needing a new one for a while, but the boss is cheap.
And a drunk.
“Hand crank it,” I say to the crew, and head to the office.
“Motor blew again,” I say.
“Use the backup one,” he shouts, and he knocks over the empty bottle off of his desk. “Aw dammit.”
“This is the backup one,” I say, and, trembling, I smash in his skull with it.
No winch for him.
He’ll be cremated.

Weekly Challenge #266 – “Bugs”

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Sixty-Six, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was Bugs

There’s an error with PollDaddy and WP-Polls at the moment, so here’s the authors for this week:

I’ll work on the polling bug later today, okay?

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.

Whiskey Day

If I had known it was the last time we would speak, I would have talked about something more significant than bugs. I look back on that conversation with a mix of curiosity and sadness. That such a mundane conversation, so banal and unworthy, would later take on the importance of the Last Words Spoken between us.

I hold each recalled phrase to the light, and examine every angle for deeper meaning. My desperation to see a missed clue will never be satisfied. They’re just words.

“I’ll call someone next week,” he lied.

I wish I could remember my reply.

Martin knew that spying required more than patience. He needed to manage
electronic surveillance as well. He set for himself a task of
overhearing something he wasn’t meant to. To this purpose, he tore
apart the innards of an old baby monitor from the shed, broke it down
and, consulting a circuitry schematic diagram in his physics textbook,
hooked the microphone and transmitter to a 9-volt battery and hid it in
his parents’ bedroom, with the receiver in his own. Mission
accomplished. The next morning he removed the bug, and set for himself a
new task: Unhearing his father’s safeword.

Norval Joe

Cans were stacked in corners of the living room and under the coffee table. He couldn’t just throw them away; they were a Christmas present from his mother. In January the anticipation was so intense he could hardly stand it. He marked off each day on the calendar until it arrived. When his first “Canned Ham of the Month” came he ate it ravenously. When February’s came, he made the seasoned meat last all month. When March’s present arrived, he twisted the little metal pin around the seal of the can. It had barely opened when the bugs swarmed out.

Tom

Bugs Bunny. Is that a rabbit with six legs or insect with long floppy ears? “What the hell are you talking about? Bugs Bunny is a Warner Brother’s cartoon character, he’s sort of Mickey Mouse with attitude. “Oh, he’s mouse shaped.” “No, he’s sort of people shaped.” “Why not call him Homo Bunny then?” “No one is going to watch a cartoon called Homo Bunny! He’s called Bugs because he is irritating, just like you. “I’m trying to get a modicum of specificity here, a rabbit who looks like a person, acts like a mouse with a personality of a scorpion

Yup. Stupid.

Zackmann

Tell me Bob, what do you think of new bug verses old bug. The New bug is safer and more
complicate and has a harder time functioning if broken than the old bug which is more
dangerous but more reliable than the new bug. The old bug came from Germany then people
started getting from Mexico and the new bug comes from Mexico but most people still think it
comes from Germany. Do you like the new bug or the old bug more? As you know Bob we will
likely have to sample both to produce this years flu shots.

Steven the Nuclear Man

Marcus’ fingers clung to the ceiling plaster, watching the the rotund mayor and short, compact priest. They always run to Rome when things get bad, he thought, tongue running over his fangs.

“Father, vampires exist.” The mayor wiped sweat from his brow. “They threatened -”

“That you had to give them someone every week or they’d drain your family instead. Standard tactic.” The priest frowned. “You made sure we aren’t observed?”

The mayor nodded. “My assistant swept for bugs.”

The priest began to speak, then Marcus dropped the bloodless mayor’s daughter on the desk.

“Not what he meant,” the vampire said.

Daniel

“Prepare the pesticide bombs, soldier,” I said, lowering the binoculars. I’ve been in many engagements against the bugs, though never successfully. We fought hard, but when this encounter was over, as usual, I was the only human survivor. Another city fell because of my failures.

“Why? Why kill everyone but me?” I sobbed in the depopulated ruins.

The swarm amassed, bug upon bug, into a humanoid shape. Tiny wings beat air through an artificial throat, and it/they spoke for the first time. “They die because it’s us or them, but your experiment created us; we will not kill our father.”

Planet Z

The irony of bugs in the control software for the cybernetic cockroaches caused Dr. Gregor to quietly laugh at his console before going back over the code and making the necessary corrections.

Using cockroach-mounted cameras and microphones, he had created the perfect espionage tool. Just crawl a few of these critters into a room and you could eavesdrop on a critical meeting or roam them over classified documents.

Simple and easy spycraft.

As for the unit that had been found in his assistant Olga’s shower, well, he was just testing the waterproofing compound on the microcircuitry and anti-fogging lenses on the tiny camera.