I remember when I was little, my Papa Robert lived with us.
When it snowed, he’d wander down the road into the yellow woods.
“Go find Papa Robert,” said my father.
We’d suit up and look for him.
Sometimes, he’d take the road to the city and he’d be in the Derry coffee shop in his long johns, warming up, writing poetry.
Other times, he’d be on a side road, wandering in the undergrowth.
He lost a few toes that way.
His glasses all frosty, snow in his hair.
Today, I stand here, trying to decide.
Before my grandkids come.
Author: R.
He Has To Spin
Dr. Harold Weirdland usually ran out of blackboards before he came up with answers, but he bought an iPad and, lo and behold, he came up with answers.
“We age because the world spins!” shouted the mad doctor. “But if we spin in the opposite direction, we’ll stop aging. Maybe get even younger.”
So, the doctor spun.
All day, he’d spin, which made things difficult when it came to eating, drinking, teaching classes, and going to the bathroom.
To spin while sleeping, he combined his bed and a clothes dryer.
He was dizzy, but his diapers were soft and warm.
The Ass End Of Dentistry
Every six months, I go to the dentist.
Well, not the dentist. A dentist.
My mouth is such a horror, they either commit suicide to avoid seeing me again or refer me to one of their colleagues.
Not-well-liked colleagues.
Still, every now and then, one tries to prove themselves, and only when I’m in the chair do they realize their mistake.
“Oh my God,” says the latest brave soul. “That’s… awful!”
He then commanded me to take down my pants and bend over.
Instead of doing a routine cleaning, I got a colonoscopy.
(Don’t ask me where the lollipop went.)
Weekly Challenge #264 – Nasal Spray
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.
This is Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Sixty-Four, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was “Nasal Spray”
Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):
[polldaddy poll=5049684]
And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.
Ellie
She listened to her rapid, pounding heartbeat, heard her rasping breath and excessive, excruciating coughing echoing out into the air, saw her weakened hands shake and shudder. She felt awful.
It was her fault. It was always her fault. She’d insisted that she was ill, to get the sick leave she’d wanted.
Jerry never found about Rick, and every morning her husband left for work none the wiser about what went on after he left.
Of course, this meant she had to pretend to be sick, and actually use the medicine Jerry got her.
And now she’d overdosed. Fucking nasal spray.
Rah
Chalon and Nick were the best of friends.
Matching inhalers. Matching bifocals. Matching list of allergies.
Now they were sick together.
“We couldn’t! The germs!”
“Quiet Nick.”
Chalon is always the brave one, Nick thought.
“It’s our only hope of survival.”
Both stared at the bottle of Flonase.
“I had to forget mine, didn’t I?” Nick sighed.
“I’ll go first.” Chalon picked up the bottle and dosed.
“Now you.”
Nick started to refuse but saw the determination in Chalon’s eyes. With solemn gaze, he dosed.
They huddled together for the last moments until their mothers called them in for supper.
Zackmann
nasal spray
I never like to hear you wheezing
l never like to see you this way
I never want you on me sneezing
I only want to hear you breathing clearly, have some nasal spray
nasal spray
nasal spray
Oh baby I know I know it can be addictive but try some nasal spray
sometimes we all reach for the medicine cabinet for colds like yours today
I am not saying prayer cant help you
but God gave us nasal spray.
Achoo Achoo
Achoo Achoo
I only want to stop your wheezing, please have some nasal spray
AM Earley
June frantically, blindly, searched her purse. One robber had a gun to her head. The other trained a gun on her husband. No one watched her hands. She pulled out her nasal spray, aimed for the robber’s face and gave him two eyefulls in one blast. She easily subdued him, and called 911, as her husband knocked the other robber to the ground.
After the police arrived and the paperwork handled, June apologized for insisting on taking the shortcut.
“It didn’t ruin our anniversary, June. It reminded me why I love you, Mrs Badass.”
Steven the Nuclear Man
The alien sneezed onto my faceplate and Karen gagged. I shrugged in my spacesuit. “They think it’s weird we move air to communicate.” My suit was already translating the booger’s message for us. “With this planet’s wind, you couldn’t hear someone talking. The mucous transmission of pheromones – ”
“I have a doctorate in xenobiology; don’t mansplain it to me.”
I realized I’d blown any chance of a date – and then I saw the nude human. “Garner’s gone all nature hippie.” Garner approached one of the aliens.
Karen gasped. “Oh crap. He’s got allergies.”
Garner sneezed on the alien.
Chris the Nuclear Kid
I could not smell anything. As I walk through the door I felt something ooze from my nose. I turned to face the bathroom mirror and saw a glob of green. It oozed even faster getting bigger, then fell off. But, it was big as a basketball!
It started to wiggle, so I backed away. Then, as the thing took form, it looked like a humanoid. It started to move towards me, but I grabbed the nasal spray and sprayed the thing. After a while there was nothing but a puddle of green. Thank goodness there had been a drain.
Tom
Professor Amyl nitrite had unearthed an ancient scroll in a tomb in Southern China. After much analyzation by his colleagues the document was authenticated as the work of Sun Tzu author of the Art of War. What made this scroll so astonishing was that the descriptions within were absence from any existing version of the Art of War. The title of the scroll was the Art of Sneezing. It described how a warrior may use nasal spray to disarm an adversary. A rare spice from ShoeYang caused a strong irritation in the nose, but greater in the eyes. Sot bad.
Danny
Damn, these allergies. I’ve tried corticosteroid, topical decongestant, antihistamine, and natural saline nasal sprays, as well as a combined use of all sprays. Even with a combined use of all nasal sprays, it feels like I’m on a rollercoaster, the topical decongestant causes obscene swelling and damages the delicate mucous membranes in the nose, the corticosteroids reverse that swelling but dries out my nose, which the natural nasal sprays relieves. I’m certain the nasal spray companies have conspired together to make products that each create problems the other products solve. Then I finally realized, just get rid of the dog.
TJ
You’ve gotten them mixed up again.
I did not. Spencer Tracy was a detective.
No he wasn’t.
He wasn’t?
No, you’re thinking of Dick Tracy.
Dick Tracy was an actor.
No, Dick Tracy was a comic book detective from the 1930s. Spencer Tracy
was an actor.
Maybe Spencer Tracy played Dick Tracy?
No, that was Warren Beatty.
Oh, I see. Spencer Tracy was in “Gone With the Wind.”
No, he was in “Inherit the Wind.” Warren Beatty was in “Dick
Tracy.”
PLEASE! This is a family podcast.
*snort
Pardon me, but I’ve got to clean diet Coke off of …everything.
Norval Joe
Gilbert slammed his textbook shut with a curse and swiped at his watering eyes with the back of his sleeve.
“These allergies are going to make me fail my English final,” he sniffed wetly and searched for a Kleenex.
Throwing the soggy tissue into the waste basket he stumbled into the bathroom and found his roommate’s bottle of nasal spray.
The first day they shared the room, Gilbert promised to never touch his friends medication.
“Experimental,” Gilbert scoffed. “If it works for Jerry, it’ll work for me.”
Along with the antibodies to hold zombiism in recession came Jerry’s infectious germs.
Planet Z
Ladies and Gentlemen!
Hard times have hit the big top. The circus is coming to ruin.
The elephant’s allergies are acting up, and we can’t afford nasal spray.
The ringmaster’s pawned his rings, so he wears those black gloves all the time so his love, the bearded lady, don’t notice it.
Try the cotton candy… taste funny, don’t it? They’re using a cotton-poly blend now.
And the trapeze act out of Lebanon, The Flying Mohammeds, somehow they got on the No Fly List. Damn this 911 bullshit.
The caliope’s missin a few notes, and the goddamned clown car’s run out of gas.
Everybody get out and push.
Silence
When I first saw “Soylent Green” I watched it with my mute pal Bobby Greene and said “Hey, that’s about you… Soylent Green, Bobby Greene?”
Bobby flapped his hands at me, but I never learned any of that sign language crap.
“Write it down, jackass,” I growled, and he picked up a steno pad and scribbled out FUCK YOU in big letters.
We watched the rest of the movie, Edward G. Robinson dies and Charlton Heston finds out the secret about Soylent Green.
YUCK wrote Bobby.
So, I killed him. Cooked and ate him too.
Hey, Soylent Greene is delicious!
Building Blocks
I’m all about the educational toys.
Most kids get little wooden alphabet blocks.
Not my kid. That stuff’s for babies. They stick them in their mouths and drool.
No challenge at all. How’s that educational?
I’m giving my kid alphabet cinderblocks.
Yeah, they had cinderblocks for sale at the Home Depot.
I sprayed on primer and painted some letters on the things.
My kid’s gonna be the strongest in spelling… literally.
No dummies or wimps in this house.
“Hey! Johnnyboy! Quit your blubbering and spell me DOG? I said DOG. No no no lift with THE LEGS, not your BACK!”
Spinning
I remember when Suzie would go into my study and spin the antique globe, watching the world rush by in a blur.
She’d close her eyes, stab at the globe with a finger, and shout “STOP!”
Opening her eyes, she’d ask me if I’ve ever been to that place.
“Why, yes, I have,” I start, spinning an epic tale of adventure and romance and danger and treasure.
The kidnappers sent us her shoe, took the money, and vanished without a trace.
I spin the globe one last time, shout “STOP!” and imagine Suzie there.
I can feel the poison spread.
Castaway
Joe’s ship wrecked on an uncharted island.
He had a supply of fresh water, all the fruit and fish and other good things to eat, and the weather was pleasant year-round.
Bored? Nope. His boat was loaded with books.
Nobody came searching for him, and after a few weeks, he grew used to being alone.
And he liked it.
However, every day, crabs would come up on shore and spell out HELP on the sand.
They glittered and glistened in the sun.
Joe would scatter them and brush away their telltale scuttle-trails
And he went back to reading his books.
The Tyrant
The Old Tyrant yells “Load the carriage faster! I need to escape before-”
Shouting! Beyond the gate!
A mob from the city, surrounding his castle.
“Guards! Protect me!” he yells.
The guards run out through the gate to meet the crowd.
And then, they rush back, closing the gate and blocking it.
From the outside.
“They won’t let you leave,” said his assistant. “They want you to stay on as ruler.”
“But I’m tired of running this country!” the Tyrant whined. “Don’t they want democracy? Freedom?”
“No. They want prosperity. Stability. You provide that.”
The exhausted tyrant wept and screamed.
The Doesn’t Matterhorn
One evening, several costumed cast members from Disney World got hammered at the British pub in Epcot and attempted an ascent of Space Mountain.
They were ill-prepared and barely-equipped for the harsh terrain, and even with the help of catwalks and stairs they still lost 3 of their party.
Well, actually, they just lost their oversized heads. A fourth: Pooh Bear, threw up in his costume, and Ariel the Mermaid got her tail caught in the coaster track.
By the time they reached the summit, Security had nabbed them all.
Too bad. They were going to attempt the Matterhorn next.