I once heard of a psychic claiming they had a “third eye.”
Well, then I must have a “third thumb.”
You see, I’m a movie critic. The Celluloid Spy.
And I’m afraid of the dark.
Yeah, I hire mailroom interns to stand in for me at movie screenings.
My trademark trenchcoat, fedora, and fake beard make sense now, right?
So, when you wonder if the critic saw the same movie did, you’re right: I didn’t.
But here’s the creepy thing. I’ve been accurate in my plot synopses and ratings.
Stupid kid, getting hit by that truck.
Never saw that coming.
Author: R.
Weekly Challenge #263 – “Toast”
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.
This is Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Sixty-Three, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was “Toast”
Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):
[polldaddy poll=5027417]
And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.
Rah
“Female. 45 years old. Third degree burns on upper right arm.”
The skin was split, glossy.
Sizzling bacon. Popping fat.
Charred skin and yellow adipose tissue.
Burnt buttered toast.
Paul vomited.
Two years for an associate’s degree in nursing, working small jobs in off hours to pay the bills; his first assignment was burn ward.
“Another smoke break Paul?” the doctor asked. He chuckled and walked away.
Paul grunted and continued to watch traffic on the overpass. An unlit cigarette hung from his lips.
“Beats part-time at the Waffle House”, his roommate had commented this morning.
Yeah right, Paul thought.
Tom
Your toast Timmy.
I can explain Frankie.
Don’t think so, Big Louie
Isn’t pleased and when Louie
Is displeased dis isn’t good.
“Hows bout I just disappear.”
“Just what we zz had in mind”
Two pop Timmy hits the floor
Like Lewis in the 5th round.
Frankie folds Timmy’s arms
Cross this chest and places a lily in his hand.
Don’t he look peaceful mused Frankie
All Easter Sunday.
Two pop echo off the garage roof
Frankie tumbles into 47 Packard trunk
Little Rude tows a red blow on to Frankie’s chest.
Merry Chirstmas Frances.
From the shadows comes two pops.
AM Earley
“A toast to the newlywed couple.”
“A toast to our hockey team going to the playoffs.”
“No toast to our basketball team who lost the playoffs.”
“A moment of silence for all the victims of the tornados.”
The foursome didn’t say anything, but the room wasn’t silent. Twenty televisions still blasted away in the sports bar.
Ten minutes into their meal, all the televisions went out. Groans and yells persisted into the bar until the owner emerged from the back. “I can’t get anything on the computer to work. It’s all toast.”
“A toast to technology. It’s great, only when it works.”
Danny
Jack sat in his favorite chair in front of the fire, toasting his feet on a cold snowy evening at his remote cabin in the northwestern mountains. Satisfied with the results of his previous hunts, the meat was preserved and safely stored in his outdoor freezer. With supply cabinets full, and wild nuts picked earlier toasting by the fire, Jack was ready to settle in for the long winter ahead. With the wind howling outside, Jack knew that anyone caught in this storm would quickly be toast. He prayed for their safe passage, then fell asleep as the night closed in.
Zackmann
We need to fight the bad press Atkins gave the baked goods industry. My plan is to start
something called ToastCon. We will get people to come together and celebrate bread. When
people are in lines waiting to register we will bring them a breakfast of Toast with choice of
butter, honey, jam, or jelly. We will have women dressed as bread slices. Pan Panels about
baking, building your own toaster, bread in popular culture, and impact of bread on society.
Music by Throwing Toasters. The bread company CEO then interrupted saying “Wheat a minute
sir, will this really work?”
TJ Aman
When I see Dave and Rebecca here today I can’t help but cast my mind
back to where these crazy kids were just one year ago. Rebecca was just
a shy, wide-eyed kid at the checkout counter open to new life and new
possibilities. Who could’ve known that fateful day, she could be
ringing up the groceries of the man she would be spending the rest of
her life with? Certainly not Dave, who as it happens was sleeping with
me at the time, so welcome to marital bliss, Becky, and make sure your
shots are up to date. L’chaim.
Norval Joe
“Hey buddy,” Carl shouted; loud enough to be heard over the noisy crowd. “Can I get another stack of toast over here?”
“Hold your horses, pal,” the lead chef growled back, “we got a lot of people calling for the same thing. You’ll just have to wait your turn.”
It was true. Several cooks rushed about and handed out toast as quick as they could pull it from the dozen toasters lined up on the work bench.
“Whatever,” Carl said. “I only have half this roof shingled. If it rains before I get done, your the ones who’ll be sorry.”
Planet Z
Curiosity killed the cat, and nearly everybody else with it.
You see, I grew up hearing that the buttered side of the toast always lands face down.
And cats always land on their feet.
So, I taped some buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it.
What a fool I was.
The barrier between our world and dreams came down, torn apart by the quantum storms. Shadows reached out from the darkness, the walls
Millions… billions of lives lost because I just had to mess around with elemental forces.
Not that there’s much left, but I will never play with my food ever again.
The Pool
I was walking to the pool when my mother yelled “You just ate, so don’t go swimming.”
Oh. Right.
Don’t swim within half an hour of eating or you’ll get cramps.
So, instead of swimming, I ran around the pool.
“No running around the pool!” my mother yelled.
So, I stopped running around the pool.
Instead, I ran around the house with scissors.
“Are you crazy?” my mother shouted. “Never run around the house with scissors!”
So I went outside and ran around the pool with scissors for thirty minutes.
And dove into the shallow end, scissors firmly in hand.
Baby Bunnies
If bunnies eat carrots, do baby bunnies eat baby carrots?
The answer is… well… sorta.
It depends on how young the baby bunny is.
If it’s a newborn, then it needs to nurse before it can eat solid foods.
Once it can eat solid food, you can feed it any kind of carrots or healthy vegetables.
Unless it’s a vampire bunny.
Those do not eat vampire carrots. Or vampire baby carrots.
Those drink blood.
So, why are you asking me this?
Oh. That’s what’s in the cage you brought me?
This empty cage.
I’d suggest we run. Away. Really fast.
Save My Baby!
A woman shouts “SAVE MY BABY!” and she points to a bakery.
I run into the bakery and see a drooling and gibbering chef wrapping a baby into a pie crust.
“Stop!” I growl, grabbing the baby from the chef. “That’s just wrong. And barbaric”
I pull out my smartphone and showed the chef how you’re supposed to cook a baby.
“You can’t just stick it in the oven,” I say. “Cut it up into sections.”
He smiled, got out his butcher’s knife, and I shut the door to the bakery.
How can the man work with all that screaming?
Exit Sign
Joe was sitting in the cafeteria, eating soup, and was about to complain that it was too cold when someone shouted “FIRE!” and everybody headed for the exits.
Joe looked around for an EXIT sign, but the only one he could see was over the bowl of soup.
When he looked up from it, everybody was gone.
The smoke was getting thick in the air.
He dove into the soup.
And was never seen again.
When the fire was out, a firefighter looked at the soup.
He sipped a bit of it.
“Too hot,” he growled, and blew on it.
I, Monster
When Sesame Street shut down, nobody knew what to do with the Muppets.
Some adapted quickly. Grover headed for The Castro with Bert and Ernie.
Guy Smiley’s on Oprah’s network. And Count Von Count is riding the vampire craze.
Others, well… they failed.
Sherlock Hemlock got killed working a case. Snuffleupagus ended up in a circus cage.
And Cookie Monster?
We shaved him and tried to teach him good grammar.
“Me want cookie,” the wild-eyed flabby midget growled.
“No,” I say. “I would like a cookie.”
“Me too!” he shouts, flailing his arms.
Hopeless. We’ll just sell him to Nabisco.
Drumming Out
The first man to be drummed out of the Army was forced to march from one end of the camp to the other to the sound of drums. (His jacket was turned inside-out, too, but that was already in practice among the dishonorable.)
In the Civil War, soldiers had their heads shaved and rank insignia torn from their jackets. Officers told the troops not to touch the drummed-out soldiers, but more than one was found dead after the ceremony.
These days, the Army’s much more civil.
But the Mafia sticks guys in oil drums and tosses them into the harbor.
Weekly Challenge #262 – “There he is!” and “Rebirth” and “When Hell Freezes Over”
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.
Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Sixty-Two, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was “There he is!” and “Rebirth” and “When Hell Freezes Over”
Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):
[polldaddy poll=4997173]
And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.
DC
“He’s here, he’s here!” the crowd hurrahed. “The King is reborn,”
“I told you, Myra. I told you he’d one day rise from the ashes.”
“Bah. From cheese burger wrappers and empty chip bags, is more like it.”
“Sacrilege,” shrieked a leathery skinned woman sporting a bedazzled tracksuit and bleached bouffant. She pointed a nicotine stained finger at Myra.
“Aw, Don’t pay any attention to my wife. She’s just bitter. She always said he’d rise when hell freezes over.”
“She doubted The King?”
A hush fell over the crowd as He floated onto stage. “Thank yuh, Thank yuh very much.”
Norval Joe
“Well, there he is. Just as she said he would be. My replacement,” Oswald muttered into his cold cup of coffee.
He slouched down in the cafe’s booth, peered through the street front window, and watched him kiss her.
“She said I didn’t have the cajonies to do anything about it. That hell would freeze over before I took a stand. But she hadn’t counted on my rebirth, the ‘new me’,” he said as he stood and charged out the cafe door. Just in time to see them board a taxi and drive off.
Oswald wondered, “is redeath a word?”
Zackmann
Look there he is, the guy who played Jonathon Coultons “First of May” on the Radio. Although
indie has caused the rebirth of music, I doubt that guy will get the his job back until about half
past when hell freezes over. Wait newspaper says it was the producers error not reading
explicit tags before converting older podcasts into radio shows. I sure hope he listens to the
shows like the episode with songs from Mike Yusis and Mark Yoshimo Nemcoffs musical that
must not be named before he thinks about putting any more shows directly on the radio again.
Nick J
My first killing blow had missed.
I cursed my nocturnally dulled reflexes.
The element of surprise was lost; my victim, forewarned and alert, was now concealed in pools of shadow.
He could hide in inaccessible places, hoping to outlast me.
This was not my first kill, I knew how this deadly game was played.
I must act silently. Noise would rouse new enemies.
I froze, listening intently. Blood hissed in my ears. I moved, warily, in stop frame motion, to flush him out.
There!
I triumphantly raised my newspaper for the messy denouement.
Eventually the insomniac always beats the fly.
Tom
Is that him?
I do not think so.
Over there?
Nope!
A figure built like a barrel hauler charges forward across the forum towards the colonnades.
“There he is,” said Raphael
Michelangelo was the symbol of Medici. Artistic rebirth
He waved his massive hands at the papal emissary.
“A Fresco, do I look like a painter to you?”
“Tell Most Holiness he’ll
Get his fresco when hell
freezes over.
He gives Raphael the finger as he passes.
Raphael raises his hand into the air
“I feel a drop in the temperature.”
And look there is Lucifer
skating cross the Rubicon.”
Danny
There he is! I was shocked; I assumed nobody could find me. What an ass I truly am. The chase began the leader of the “Rebirth” movement, created to show that Obama was indeed never born in America, has since failed. Now reduced to fox being chased by beagles in a horrific old world hunt, and my response to the situation? You beagles will catch me “when Hell Freezes Over!” AND, Hell will freeze over, just as soon as the continental ice shelf builds back up over the bulk of the continental United States of America. Say Halleluiah, say Amen!
Terrazabyte
A blank canvas sits on my drawing table begging to be used.
Each colorful tube of paint sitting nearby pleads their case to be first in use.
Blue speaks up and says, “Use me first, for I’m the color of sky”.
Green speaks next, “Use me, for I’m the color of the trees”.
Brown interrupts, “I should be first since I’m the color of Earth”.
They all begin to argue & fight as paint spews out toward the canvas covering the pristine surface.
The canvas yells “STOP, look what you’ve done!
Your colors mixed and blended upon me.
TJ
My directive was clear – use discretion, no flash photography.
But I’d ridden these rails before and the spot the two men had chosen
to rendezvous – between their two passenger cars while in the
Lourgnette tunnel – there’d be a split second of daylight as the
train passed beneath the airvent.
Above them, in the luggage compartment, I waited. Just as I’d
predicted, a shaft of sunlight illuminated the little chamber.
There he was, Minister Bergdorf, and the suspected corporate spy and
influence peddler. A whish of my cameraphone, and they were on the
Times-Register’s news site before they’d even stopped kissing.
Planet Z
Years ago, Bob Carson said it would be a cold day in Hell when he’d go to my Rebirth Clinic.
“It’s better than the alternative,” I said. “I feel great. Customer for life.”
That’s the motto: Customer for life.
You have to take the pills every day to live.
Haven’t seen him since. Until today.
Bob Carson. Outside of my clinic.
I walk out to his car. “Ready for the treatment?” I ask.
“You ran over my dog,” he said. “Almost hit my son.”
I see his gun. “Get in.”
He’s locked me in the basement.
It’s cold in here.
Magic Hat
I have a magic hat. No it’s not pointy. Has nothing to do with wizards witches or warlocks. The magic comes from the part it played in meeting my wife. I signed up for this ESTy workshop needed some dress pants. While wandering around Montgomery Ward Men’s department I dropped a black fedora on my head. I found the pants and keep the hat. During that workshop a young woman came up to me and said, “ All you need is a 15 foot scarf.” I stared back puzzled. She pointed at the fedora. “Yes, a love the Doctor, to.”