Author: R.

Phantom Pain

718784

As a kid, I compulsively bit my fingernails.
I chewed them ragged and bloody.
Nothing could get me to stop.
After years of suffering, I finally went to a hypnotist.
He convinced me that they weren’t there to bite.
It worked.
On the way home, I was walking through Sears when I noticed the Craftsman display.
I mounted a blade into a circular saw and plugged it in.
The first finger was the hardest to cut off.
The rest were much, much easier.
They call it phantom pain. I still feel them there.
But I don’t want to bite them.

The King

1057951

He had brought King Kong back alive from Skull Island at the cost of fifteen men and untold thousands of dollars. His attempt to exhibit the beast on Broadway was a complete flop, thanks to the kind ministrations of the SPCA, PETA, and the unions. And Ann Darrow was in therapy.
But big as he was, Kong was still a monkey.
Denham dodged as Kong lobbed a Volkswagen-sized turd. Moments later, ten gallons of hot Ape-Spooge spattered the bars of the gargantuan enclosure.
Eighth Wonder of the World, my ass, thought Denham. Still a fucking monkey.

The Big Hand Is On The Ten, The Little Hand Is On The Twelve, And The Slowhand Is On The Slab

718794

I clawed my way out of the yellow time-bubble and ran for the backstage.
“Stevie!” I yelled. “Don’t get on that goddamned chopper!”
His bodyguards put up a fight, but Stevie got curious and wanted to take a took at me.
Then he punched my lights out, because Clapton had gotten his seat.
I had meant to save them both, but I guess I blew it.
When the “local” Time Society bailed me out, I was given a warning.
And a commendation.
“At least there’s no more ‘No More Tears In Heaven,'” it said. “That song was damned annoying.”

Times

778501

Andrew says a little something about the times…

Times a’ changin’, don’t be pinin’
Times a flowin’, don’t be moppin’
Times move on, doncha mourn
Time flows on, don’t be forlorn
Yeah, time moves along apace
Yeah, time moves like a race
Yeah you leave not a trace
Cause time goes, doncha know
Cause time flows, doncha know
Cause time moves, doncha know
Cause time flows, doncha know
Don’t worry it happens to all
Things move all along
No matter what we want
Times moves full trot
Look to the future
With an eye to the past
Hold onto those treasure
And do have yourself a bloody blast

Yankee Blonde

718785

Sally wasn’t just stupid, but dead-dumb solid-rock stupid.
She was also a blonde, so her smart friends tried an experiment.
You know the old joke where artificial intelligence is where you dye a blonde’s hair black?
Well, they tried it with Sally.
They made her take off her favorite ballcap, then she washed her hair and dyed it dark.
Sure enough, she wasn’t dumb anymore.
Not quite a genius, but certainly smarter than before.
When her hair was dry enough, she put her trusty New York Yankees cap back on.
And, sure enough, she was the same old moron again.

Nessie

955758

A mysterious creature glided in the depths.
Legends had circulated for years, but never any hard evidence. The creature belonged to the shadowy realm of the Possibly Real occupied by Sasquatch, the Ten Lost Tribes, and the /menehune/ of Hawai’i.
But when bowling ball-sized chunks of meat began boiling to the surface of the lake, each enveloped in a mysterious doughy casing, the locals called me in. Abe Schwartz, Dybbuk Hunter. Ghosts and Legendary Creatures a specialty.
After searching all my life, I had finally found her. The miraculous evidence left no doubt that it was the Kreploch-Ness Monster.

Assembled Ache

546224

Laieanna missed the deadline for the Weekly Challenge on toothache, but being the good sport (and writer) she is, she’s sent it in as a midweek story…

Dr Tyler adjusted his mask before facing the two men. “So what made you bring your…son? Son in today?
“Oh, some toothaches.”
“Toothaches?” The dentist exclaimed. “Just how many?”
Both men leaned forward to take a closer look. “Well, I’m not sure how many, but he’s groaning all the time, sometimes even yelling. Just can’t have a peaceful night reading before the fireplace.”
Dr. Tyler took a mirror off the tray, “Well, open wide, sonny.” The dentist stepped back quickly. “What’s going on here?” Tyler turned an astonished face to the other man, “Dr. Frankenstein, ALL his teeth are decaying.”

Remember To Forget

718790

“You have one wish left,” said the genie.
“Huh?” I said.
Where am I? What’s going on?
I was standing in an alleyway, dirty lamp in my hand with a genie sticking out of it.
“What do you mean ‘one wish left?'” I asked. “Did I have others?”
“Yes,” said the genie. “You had three.”
“Did I?” I said, scratching my head. “I don’t remember that at all. Jesus, I wish I could remember what I wished for.”
The genie vanished, and I remembered that my second wish was to forget my first.
I wish I could forget it again.

Cutting Through Grease

718794

George pulled a DVD from the shelf, opened the case, and poured dishwashing liquid all over it.
He watched the goo spread over the disk.
His wife walked into the room.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she said.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” said George. “I’m trying to cut through Grease.”
“You’ll do anything to get out of doing the dishes,” said George’s wife.
“Not really,” said George. “For instance: I won’t clean the toilets.”
George tried the experiment on Grease 2, and to his amazement, it split.
“Well, it was a weak movie,” said his wife.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 73

742784

Lincoln stood on the cliff, plywood wings strapped to either arm.
The idea had come to Abe in a dream, and he’d spent the night scribbling up plans and sawing wood into crude airfoils.
“I can only trust in God I have made no mistakes,” shouted Abe, and he ran toward the cliff.
Up in Heaven, God watched the scene unfold.
“He’s early,” said Jesus.
“Then let him bounce off of a tree or something,” said God. “Or a gust of wind blow him back.”
“What if he tries again?” asked Jesus.
“Then screw him,” said God.
They watched, laughing.