Author: R.

Chew Bubblegum

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“I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum,” said the hero. “And I’m all out of bubblegum.”
The villain checked his pockets.
“I think I have some bubblegum,” he said.
“What?” asked the hero.
“I have some gum,” said the villain, holding out a pack. “Strawberry flavor?”
“I like strawberry,” said the hero.
The villain handed the hero a piece.
“Thank you,” said the hero, sticking it in his mouth. “That’s nice of you.”
He chewed it, blew a bubble, and fell over dead.
The villain laughed his best laugh, then stopped when he realized nobody could hear him.

Shouting

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Jerry tried to think of worse things to shout in a movie theater than “Fire!” He ran down the list in his notebook, shouting each one.
The theater owner didn’t appreciate his field research and banned him from the theater.
Never one to give up easily, he tried other theaters, but his face was on a printout at the box office.
So he went from town to town, but the theater chains caught on to his act.
Jerry became a master of disguise, using false noses and wigs and sunglasses to alter his appearance.
Eventually, the worst word became “JERRY!”

Weekly Challenge #7 – Cell Phone

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Welcome to the seventh Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was a cell phone.
Only five stories were submitted this week, plus the usual madness from the planet of insane bards, Planet Z. Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorite:

Which was the best story this week?
Elisson of blog d’Elisson
B
Gavriel of Abbagav
Sharon from Ohbladioblahblog
Andrew of Dodgeblogium
The Mystery Writer From Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme will be posted shortly.

Reality Show

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The producer called the show “Back From Hell.”
The rules? Die, go to Hell, and then make it back.
First one wins a million bucks.
We’d take cameras with us and send video back through a new technology someone had invented.
They weeded us down to twelve, handed out pills, and said “You have to do this willingly. Suicide is a mortal sin.”
A dozen deaths later, we arrive in the Woods – the middle ring of the Seventh Circle. Our corpses hang from our branches.
“Now what?” we say.
I knew I should have tried that Ballroom Dancing show instead.

Fishy Plushies

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Andrew Ian Dodge gets to the bottom of a fishy situation…

Rupert returned to his hotel room a bit flustered. And a little sickened; ok a lot.
Rupert went off to bathroom and looked at his pale face in the mirror. He used some water to clean off his face as if to wash away his fear and loathing for what he had seen, not to mention the smell of the bear costume!
As he walked back to the bed and bundled the furry suits into the office, he grabbed his phone and dialled.
“Sage we’ve got a major problem here mate…” He paused. “The fishies plushies weren’t actually in costumes!”

Office Clown

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Ned was the office clown.
He put trick candles on birthday cakes for coworkers. They’d blow out, but the candles kept relighting themselves.
He loosened the wheels from office chairs. Everyone fell down and cracked their ass.
He stole all the toilet paper from the bathrooms. Paper towels, too. Folks started carrying their own.
He added Thalidomide to the water coolers. Then he’d knock up secretaries and they’d have twisted flipper-babies.
The judge didn’t find that last one funny.
Ned tried to be the clown of his cell block in prison. Instead, he ended up the bitch.
Now that’s funny.

Sunburn

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You’ve been seduced by mammon
Money is your king
You don’t care how you get it on
Even if you have to sin
In pursuit of money
weave your web of lies
Greed makes you ugly
I won’t be your damn alibi
There’s no stopping
Your voracious appetite
Even if they’re married
Your excuse is their marriage ain’t right
I’m no longer party
To your little games
I won’t be a witness
When ya house goes up in flames
People are hurting
As you pursue your fun
Dreaming of big villas
Laying in the midday sun
Sunburn…
Sunburn…I just hope you fry

Twit

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Ah, yes. A fine tale of twittery by Andrew Ian Dodge:

Sage of Wales: They were both stood at the waters edge, Clive felt his feet getting wet and realised that Sarah was holding on tight. He attempted to wrench free, his libido finally allowing sense to take over.
Sarah: (hissing) Oh stop squirming you twit and get in the sea
Sage of Wales: she tossed him ahead of her making sure his feet got no grip.
Clive: (muffled) Help!
Sage of Wales: In moments he was dragged under the water, convinced that it was more than two hands holding him down.
Sarah: It’s time to meet your real family Clive!

The Pain Bank

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They called it a pain bank.
Just like blood banks store blood and sperm banks store sperm, pain banks store pain.
From pinpricks and itches through agonizing toothaches all the way up to the worst gut-wrenching, torture imaginable, they had every kind of pain in their massive iron vaults.
Suffering too much pain? Put in a deposit.
Feeling detached, or looking for a little masochistic rush? Head to an ATM. Make a withdrawal.
Feel something. Feel something really bad for a while.
Getting over the pain is the biggest rush, you know.
Just don’t fall behind on your interest payments.

Virus Scam

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After years and years of progressively malicious computer viruses and worms, the anti-virus program manufacturers finally managed to make deals with computer manufacturers, Internet service providers, and governments that installation of their software was not only necessary, but mandatory by law.
It was right around then that the activity of virus writers dropped off. What used to be a constant cat and mouse game of escalation between those trying to punch holes with exploits and those reinforcing them became a ceasefire.
Eventually, it became a formal partnership.
After all, without barbarians at the gates, who needs the gates? Or walls?