Author: R.

Lawyerbot

467336

Lawyers who had defended the most savage and brutal mass-murdering war criminals had refused his case. Not even for tens of billions of dollars.
“Keep your blood money,” they told the multi-billionaire software mogul..
So, faced with using court-appointed chumps, he decided to defend himself.
He took a long weekend to re-engineer his massive search engines to scour every law book, every court record, and every TV court drama script.
The beta hung the jury. And the Gold release won.
As revenge, he distributed the Lawyerbot program for free.
Lawyers sued to stop him. But Lawyerbot beat them, of course.

Salad Bowl

744618

The card showing today’s special at the company cafeteria read “Geek Salad.”
Fucking typos, I thought. Nobody takes pride in their work anymore.
I stepped up to the counter to place my order. A big bowl of salad would be good. Feta, anchovies, the whole works. Mop everything up with a hunk of pita bread.
That’s when I noticed the whacked-out dude behind the counter, biting the heads off live, squawking chickens and spitting them into a big tub of lettuce and dressing.
Huh, I thought. No typo after all. But at least this guy takes pride in his work.

Cones

459992

Tomorrow, all across the world, every orange traffic cone will vanish.
Then, three seconds later, they will reappear just as suddenly as they vanished.
Nobody will realize that they’ve been gone.
They’ve trained us not to notice.
Over the decades, the traffic cones have been watching us, manipulating us, learning our weaknesses.
They especially like construction zones. They think we’re at our most interesting there.
When construction begins on something, they show up. Then, when it’s done, they hang around for a little bit before moving on to somewhere else.
They also like watching driving lessons, just for danger’s sake.

Snowe d’Oh!

526443

Andrew Ian Dodge takes on a tax-and-hide RINO today…

Sen Olympia “elect me cause my first husband died and I am Greek” Snowe wants to tax internet phone calls. She is so wrong on so many levels its almost hard to contemplate. First of all it would be almost impossible to do this, secondly it would probably just deny Mainers a chance to use it, there are probably easy ways round anything they come up with and finally how the hell do you tax something that is free! Of course, this is not surprising behaviour from the notorious “Republican only when she really has to be.” What a nitwit.

Big Dave

796340

My buddy Dave struggled with his weight for years.
Name a diet; he’d tried it, with dismal results. Weight Watchers. Jenny Craig. Atkins. South Beach. Ultra Slim-Fast.
A few months ago, someone told Dave about Transcendental Meditation. Worked wonders, they said. Your guru would assign a mantra, a specific random word that you would repeat to yourself to focus your meditation. Having the right mantra was critical to help you concentrate, avoid distractions, achieve your goal.
Dave’s goal was to lose 85 pounds.
His mantra was “Hersheybar.”
Last time I saw him, he was at 325 and heading north fast.

Twinned

357392

It’s easy when the parents agree who gets custody.
It sucks when they don’t.
Until now, thanks to Cybertwinning.
In less than 24 hours, we can give each parent the child.
One is real. The other isn’t.
Can you tell? Only we can.
Synchrocaps exchange memories between the two, maintaining the illusion that both parents raise the child. It’s disorienting at first, but kids adapt.
Adults don’t. That’s why the kids often go insane when they’re no longer Twinned.
Which is why I’m asking that you have your lawyers talk one last time, please.
For the sake of your child.

Prat

441806

Professors are the same everywhere, it seems…

A professor at Chester University has declared the 7/7 attacks as primarily an extreme form of demonstration”. They were basically expressing their religious rage and not actually just being evil terrorists. He also said that to refer to the attacks as terrorism risked “demonising” those involved. My beloved Kim said: “well, of course, he would say that he lives in bloody Chester!” I do rather hope the offspring of some 7/7 victim finds this prat and knocks him on his idiotic arse. One does have to think that he is just trying to get some press. Lets hope its negative.

Cat Chakras

311600

All this New Age stuff may seem bogus to you, but all of it’s real for people. And pets.
Chakras? Cats have ’em.
No two cats have chakras located in the same place, though. That’s why one cat will insist that you pet them on the back while other will demand that you scratch their ears and massage all of their paws at once.
If you encounter a cat who is hostile to any attempt to pet them, it is not for a lack of chakras, but that you just haven’t found them yet.
Or the cat may be nuts.

Inkblots

372296

Every inkblot is a confession.
The first shows a child of nine stealing candy bars from the drugstore.
The second shows an angry teen setting fire to the home of the rival to his affections. Romeo burns. Juliet burns.
The third reveals another theft – test scores for his university admissions exam. A+!
The final one shows his business partner allowed to choke to death after a discussion about insurance.
Wait. There’s one more left, doc?
Hold still. Let’s see… that’s you. And me. Standing over you.
No idea how I kill you, but I’ll try to make it interesting.

Killer Mistake

331040

“Just type the name and press the Enter key,” the KillKiosk said.
Bart typed in MOLLY MARGARET and hit Enter.
“There,” he said.
“Thank you,” said the KillKiosk. “Margaret Molly will be dead by nine AM tomorrow or your money back.”
Bart looked at the screen and realized the thing wanted the last name first.
“Crap!” he shouted.
He tried tapping on a few keys, but all he got was NO EXCHANGES OR REFUNDS.
“Screw it,” said Bart and he typed in MARGARET MOLLY.
He’s just refuse the charges and let Killkiosk fight it out with the credit card company.