The agency with the Mustard Man account wanted to try a new approach to their client’s product.
Instead of a picnic or ballpark emergency requiring the entrance of the superhero Mustard Man to save the day, they envisioned a Hansel And Gretel story.
Instead of the bread crumbs, though, they left a trail of Mustard Man Mustard to lead them all the way back home.
“It’s to highlight how much mustard there is in a Mustard Man Mustard bottle,” said the pitchman.
The public hated the commercial, sales dropped, and he lost the account.
Fire up the Mustard Man Signal!
Why did I follow that star to Bethlehem?
I packed a sampler of the finest the Mustard Man Company has to offer, and the next thing I know I’m watching Jesus’ birth.
You say there’s only three Wise Men? Well, let’s see…
Gaspar brought gold. Not a bad present at all.
Bartholomew brought myrrh. Not sure why. That stuff stinks.
What’s-his-name brought frankincense. It stinks worse than the myrrh.
And then there’s me. I brought mustard.
I never did find the star back. So I crawled in a cave and slept 2,000 years.
What? I’m not in the book?
Whether you call it Sulfur Mustard or Mustard Gas, it doesn’t matter. It’s a chemical weapon with no relation to mustard itself besides the slight mustard or garlic like odor if it’s impure.
Otherwise, it is odorless and tasteless. There’s absolutely no warning you’ve been exposed to it until your skin blisters a few hours later.
Or when you die.
On the other hand, Mustard Man Mustard has a savory bite to it. And it doesn’t make your skin blister. Most of all, it won’t kill you.
Unless someone crushes your skull with a jar of it.
Be careful, okay?
Before the days of over-the-counter cough syrup and inhalers, people used something called a mustard plaster.
To make them, they’d grind up mustard seed and mix it with flour and water to make a paste. Then they’d put that stinky goop on a towel and hold it to their chests.
The warmth and aroma helped people breathe. Although it did sometimes burn the skin because it was left on too long.
These days it’s pretty rare that someone knows how to make a good mustard plaster.
I know how to make them. Why do you think my breathing’s so clear?
You’re probably wondering where I’ve been.
Well, the recent earthquake in Pakistan and India affected a lot of the mustard crop. A lot of the world’s mustard supply comes from those two rival countries.
Did you know that? I did.
And that’s why I went. Not just to lend a helping hand to the human victims of the tragedy, but to make sure that the mustard supply wasn’t endangered.
Because after those two countries, we’d have to rely on Canada.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as Mustard Man, it’s that you can never rely on Canada.
“Justice League isn’t answering, Mayor Bloomberg,” said the assistant.
“Have you tried paging?” said Bloomberg.
“Twice,” said the assistant. “Most are old numbers. One was a pizza delivery guy, and another was someone offering me a dimebag.”
“Have you tried calling that Mustard Man?” said the mayor.
“Um, all he has is mustard,” said the assistant. “No super powers.”
“Just mustard?” said Bloomberg. “Then why is he a superhero?”
“He isn’t,” said the assistant.
The mayor leaned back in his chair and sighed. “What’s the number of the guy selling weed?”
“Yeah,” said Bloomberg. “And a pizza, too.”
I don’t consider myself a hero, but there are times when I feel good that someone has something to dip a chicken nugget into or for a hamburger.
It probably doesn’t make much of a difference, though, so I do my best to remain humble.
Dijon Lad has issues, though. He goes out at night in costume, fighting crime.
He sometimes shows up for work with his arm in a sling or with a black eye.
He’s been drinking more than usual, too. White wine and Dijon mustard are good for grilling, but bad for a commercial shoot.
I get asked about the Mustardmobile a lot.
Know what? There is no Mustardmobile.
If there were one, I’d hope it would be as nice as the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.
Man, is that one sweet ride. I remember a baseball game where Mustard Man Mustard and Oscar Meyer were doing a joint promotion, and the Oscar Meyer guy let me drive that thing.
Okay, I’m a really lousy driver, and I ran over some old woman.
Thankfully, we covered that incident up and kept it out of the papers. To this day, she thinks a cab ran over her.
The original Mustard Man was Dr. Charles Manning III. He made mustard for neighbors using an old family recipe in his garage, bottled it, and eventually sold it to drugstores around Ohio as “Manning’s Mustard Tonic.”
It was reputed to cure all ills, from the common to the deadly, but it was really just a simple table condiment. Still, Manning believed his tall tales and ate a tablespoon every hour.
Manning died of liver cancer. Seems that he used a lead teaspoon to consume his mustard.
We keep that spoon in the Mustard Man Factory Museum.
Tours are available daily.
I’m sure you’re aware of the news of a woman who found a fingertip in a bottle of Mustard Man mustard.
It’s all a lie.
I’d like to state for the record that it did not get in there at the factory. We have high quality standards for our mustard and make every effort to filter out severed body parts well before the bottling process.
I’m sure that it fell in there at some kind of dinner party. Happens all the time.
Especially in leper colonies.
We sell a lot of mustard to leper colonies for some strange reason.