Category: Mustard Man

The agency with the Mustard Man account wanted to try a new approach to their client’s product.
Instead of a picnic or ballpark emergency requiring the entrance of the superhero Mustard Man to save the day, they envisioned a Hansel And Gretel story.
Instead of the bread crumbs, though, they left a trail of Mustard Man Mustard to lead them all the way back home.
“It’s to highlight how much mustard there is in a Mustard Man Mustard bottle,” said the pitchman.
The public hated the commercial, sales dropped, and he lost the account.
Fire up the Mustard Man Signal!

Whether you call it Sulfur Mustard or Mustard Gas, it doesn’t matter. It’s a chemical weapon with no relation to mustard itself besides the slight mustard or garlic like odor if it’s impure.
Otherwise, it is odorless and tasteless. There’s absolutely no warning you’ve been exposed to it until your skin blisters a few hours later.
Or when you die.
On the other hand, Mustard Man Mustard has a savory bite to it. And it doesn’t make your skin blister. Most of all, it won’t kill you.
Unless someone crushes your skull with a jar of it.
Be careful, okay?

Before the days of over-the-counter cough syrup and inhalers, people used something called a mustard plaster.
To make them, they’d grind up mustard seed and mix it with flour and water to make a paste. Then they’d put that stinky goop on a towel and hold it to their chests.
The warmth and aroma helped people breathe. Although it did sometimes burn the skin because it was left on too long.
These days it’s pretty rare that someone knows how to make a good mustard plaster.
I know how to make them. Why do you think my breathing’s so clear?

You’re probably wondering where I’ve been.
Well, the recent earthquake in Pakistan and India affected a lot of the mustard crop. A lot of the world’s mustard supply comes from those two rival countries.
Did you know that? I did.
And that’s why I went. Not just to lend a helping hand to the human victims of the tragedy, but to make sure that the mustard supply wasn’t endangered.
Because after those two countries, we’d have to rely on Canada.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as Mustard Man, it’s that you can never rely on Canada.

I get asked about the Mustardmobile a lot.
Know what? There is no Mustardmobile.
Surprised?
If there were one, I’d hope it would be as nice as the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.
Man, is that one sweet ride. I remember a baseball game where Mustard Man Mustard and Oscar Meyer were doing a joint promotion, and the Oscar Meyer guy let me drive that thing.
Okay, I’m a really lousy driver, and I ran over some old woman.
Thankfully, we covered that incident up and kept it out of the papers. To this day, she thinks a cab ran over her.

The original Mustard Man was Dr. Charles Manning III. He made mustard for neighbors using an old family recipe in his garage, bottled it, and eventually sold it to drugstores around Ohio as “Manning’s Mustard Tonic.”
It was reputed to cure all ills, from the common to the deadly, but it was really just a simple table condiment. Still, Manning believed his tall tales and ate a tablespoon every hour.
Manning died of liver cancer. Seems that he used a lead teaspoon to consume his mustard.
We keep that spoon in the Mustard Man Factory Museum.
Tours are available daily.

I’m sure you’re aware of the news of a woman who found a fingertip in a bottle of Mustard Man mustard.
It’s all a lie.
I’d like to state for the record that it did not get in there at the factory. We have high quality standards for our mustard and make every effort to filter out severed body parts well before the bottling process.
I’m sure that it fell in there at some kind of dinner party. Happens all the time.
Especially in leper colonies.
We sell a lot of mustard to leper colonies for some strange reason.
Blech