Category: Guest Authors

It was the 25 annual Putnam county throwing bee. County clowns competed to move up to the state and hopefully the national pie throwing finals in Washington DC. The winner gets to land a cream custard in President Obama’s face. Dan had the moves, fluid in motion, with a flair for the dramatics. He noticed Timmy Baxster load a tin up with rocks and tack aim at Dan. Dan unloaded his Glock and Timmy’s pie flipped up and rocks rolled across the stage. A tiny bell rang off stage and Timmy was dragged off by his number 22 shoes. GOODBYE

The boy ran hard. He traveled light, only a wool robe and tube slung over his shoulder. Despite the urgency of his flight, the boy never dare run at night. The chances of injury were too great. He was carrying a message to Marcus Praxsus which would change the course of history in the Empire. The boy took to the back county when possible, but the only way Triumbrant was through the bridge city. That is where the girl was and that’s why we live in a Republic my son.” “Tell me the story about Praxsus’s head on a pole”

Dan was desperate. His girlfriend was into the RE-BIRTHING thing and in no uncertain terms let him know she could not spend the rest of her days with a “Oncer”. So Dan signed up for the weekend workshop, swiped his card for a cool 2 grand and showed up to the Ritz Carlton for the rebirthing experience. Hours of a/b processes left poor Dan wonder if a new girlfriend was in order. Then he got wrapped in 100 of plastic wrap and sucked through a 20in pvc pipe. Broke his shoulder in three place, cried like a baby. Guess it worked.

Remember in the Wizard of Oz when the wicked witch is melted and the suddenly cheerful butt ugly guards gives Dorothy the burn broom, well the next thing they did was evict the flying monkeys, no 30 days, just the pointy end of a spear. It turns out the monkeys had an aptitude for building stuff. They founded a company called: World Builders. For the OZ World’s Fair of 1927 they build a flying island. It took 727,000 ping pong ball. Hired the munchkins to do the landscaping. Too bad about that yellow brick road thing, what were they thinking?

“Young man you have a Flagrant Disregard for the facts” rail his master’s advice Dr Maxwell Anderson. “But sir we have a number of Historical Inaccuracy, as I have cited in my work. Take Bukowski.” “BUKOWSKI. The man claimed Stanton meet with Booth on three occasions. Total rubbish.” “Look at the photo copies.” Anderson slid a formal looking sheet of paper towards the grad student. Upside down he could make out the Georgetown seal. “Perhaps a refutal of Bukowski is in order,” said the student carefully. “I sure the committee will look favorable on your work. Good luck at Georgetown.”

Bill was a quiet man. In must cases he just nodded, or smiled with a quiet reassurance. People liked being around Bill, he was elected to many of the communities boards of directors. Bill was active in his church. He was an arch deacon and was 13th holder of gold rose. Oddly no one knew anything about Bill. Where his family came from. Where he when to school. No one even knew what Bill did for a living. When the mother ship came in the night no one saw Bill go. In fact no one remembers aaaaa what’s his name.

If you live under a bridge, water, is something simply not taken for granted! The easiest thing one can do in to reroute the flow. To change the vast power of the tide, so you are not broke upon that tide. As his possessions disappeared on by one, Timmy was down to a red 1937 yo yo and his Aunt Mary’s Ming vase. As the waters pull away his grip on the blue porcelain he bellowed “You Broke My Vase”. When they found him at the edge of the ocean he still had his yo yo. Way to go Timmy.

The only way I could get my sister to play cards with me is letting her pick the Wild Cards. There was never just one wild card. Further wild cards with wild cards could produce outcomes outside the scope of the game. Two of clubs and suicide jack three neighbors’ poodles weren’t come home tonight. An ace of diamond and two of hearts, the pawn shop was getting grandma’s wedding band. My sister’s favorite hand was a double full boat. Years later I learn it was called waterboarding. Laura teaches probabilities at the School of the Americas. The Joker’s wild

Most folk have to squeeze summer into two frantic weeks, including travel time to and from. My wife has seniority up the wazoo, so she’s got four glorious weeks in a row. I have been working at the college for nearly 20 years and after summer school is over I have 30 days off. On an island off an island is a ferry dock, which is a 10 min walk to tiny fisherman’s house. Here is where we go for a solid three weeks of bliss. When vacation time is over its hard to drop below the 50th parallel

Even notice how many cartoon characters have alliterated monikers. Woody Woodpecker. KO KO the Klown. Betty Boop. Duffy Duck. Tom Terrific. Pepe Le Pew. Mickey Mouse. Clyde Crashcup. TinTin Dudley Do-Right Count Chocolate, Tony the Tiger, Captain Crunch (boy I loved that stuff, three bowl in the morning a good time was to be had by all) Superman’s girlfriends were all alliteraty. Lana Lang from Smallville, Lois Lane reporter for the Daily Planet, Lori Lemaris, a mermaid from the sunken city of Atlantis Lyla Llerol, an actress from the bottle-city of Kandor, and Lena Luthor, Lex Luthor’s sib. Sufferin’ succotash