I didn’t think it was humanly possible to step into a Slim Jim. Its pretty much a glorified strip of metal. But Nelman Freder was not your average soul. He had spent so much time in the ER they had reserved a seat with his name on it. They still tell the tale on the floor about the Gerbil and flashlight extraction. Doctor Dan wasn’t surprise to see Nelman hobble on to the floor with a Slim Jim wobbling to and fro embedded in the middle of his foot, a screwdriver in his thigh and door handle in his nose.
Category: Guest Authors
Pirates Surprise
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IIIII me mateEs we at Pirate Smorgies prides ourselves with the best cuisine available in the Pirate Kingdom.
“What the Fuck you talking about. This is a bucket of gruel” return Little Jack Silvers.
“IIII gruel it be but the best gruel their be.”
“Best? I think not. Molly McKnees got better” said peg leg Bruce.
“III but is it at molly’s ’tis not all you can eat?”
“I wouldn’t eat any of it.” Said jack
Well I guess that would constitute all you can eat. me boy.
“Screw this I going to get a big mac and some fries”
They don’t look Swedish
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Some claim Landord Zoelin was a mad scientist I’d say he was just plan sad. Example what sort of evil genus would combined cyborgs with toothpaste. Your going to deploy them with an army of marauding dental floss.
“You laugh today” screamed Zoelin. “But one day I and Colgate Palmolive with rule the world. Into the room oozed Cyborg 1052 “Resistance is futile,” he sloshed. A minty green nano tube smacked Zoelin in the forehead.
Wiping goo off his face he yelled, “Someone get this moron back in his tube.”
“At your command” bellow Billy the bagel droid
Ten by Tom
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Somehow, this story by Tom got eaten by a grue at Gmail, so he re-sent it and I’l posting it as a featured story.
Please treat the comments section here as where to vote for this story in the polls.
It was the bottom of the 10th at Wriggle. 10th game of the series. Ernie Banks the XVIth was at full count 10 fouls in a row. The cubbies needed a run to stay in the 3010 series. The pitch was high and outside. Banks cranked his shoulder twisted his wrist. The crack echo across the stadium. Deep deep into center field a rookie number 10 for Houston leaped against the wall. As ball met mitt he heard a whisper from the stands. Good job son. Said old Bartman to young Bartman one down 10 to the third to go.
My apologies to Tom for it being eaten and my not including it in the Weekly Challenge with the others.
Kilt
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The ogre scraped the last bits of meat from the femur with his teeth. “The meats the sweetest close to the bone, me mum used to say. Ain’t that the truth.”
He threw the bone onto the putrefying pile in the corner and picked at his teeth with a piece of rib.
“Germans are too chewy,” he chuckled, “and the French, too cheesy. The Brits are always lean and tasty, and go down so bravely. But the Scots are the easiest to eat. You can tell which ones have the meatiest thighs, even before you peel off their little kilt.”
I saw it move!
arri-isawitmove.mp3
“Daddy, what are stars?”
“Well kiddo, stars are big balls of fire. Much much bigger than the earth. The Sun is a star. Kind of a small one too.”
“Stars? Like the Sun? There’s so many. How many are there?”
“Heh heh! That is one of the oldest questions. There are some guesses but they don’t agree much. 1000 stars for every grain of sand on Earth is one guess. I wonder if there is no number. You know, like infinity.”
“Counting stars makes my neck hurt.”
“Counting stars makes my brain hurt.”
“Daddy, how come that one moved?”
“Huh?”
The Voice
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We don’t talk any more about the VOICE. It just made the people in the neighborhood hinky. True, ever single thing said was spot on, all the same torches and pitch forks in the front yard gave one cause to pause and consider a trip to Paraguay. So what I did was ask the VOICE. He thought is was a great idea gave me a number of reasonable airfares and hotel accommodations. The VOICE gave me GW’s cell number and I got a job as his new public relations manager. Seem the VOICE gave him the inside info on Paraguayan Expatriatism.
This was Tom’s story for WC#118, but it got lost in the shuffle.
I have created two folders: This Week and Last Week.
It should help with keeping things better sorted out from now on.
Yoko Simpson
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Wade! Get your cottage cheese dimpled buttocks in here!
Yeah Jerry…
Wade What The Fish Sticks is going on with Tony Romo and Jessica
Simpson? Now my star quarterback, the man I built my franchise around,
is going around singing “Sweet Child ‘O Mine” at a karaoke bar!
Well… Jerry…
And that dadgum Joe Simpson keeps calling trying to renegotiate Tony’s
contract! That man makes ME feel creepy, and I have Jerry Junior as my
son…
Yes Daddy!
Get OUT! I tell you Wade, that Simpson girl is the Cowboys’ Yoko Ono!
We need a plan to bump her off!
Popular Mechanics
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My dad loved to tinker and he read Popular Mechanics.
They used to run articles on their latest big project as features,
Then sell plans for the project for a small price.
One such project was the URBO CAR, Two-stroke engine, 60 miles a gallon.
Dad got excited and sent for the plans.
For months, the arc welder in the basement crackled as he welded the giant frame of the Urbo Car. It was huge!
One day I asked him
“How are we going to get this out of the basement, dad?”
The look I received is fodder for stories.
Daphne’s Missing Weekly Challenge Story
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Because the Zombies still need to eat, food is readily available, if you can get to the surface to steal some. So when we can, we grab as much as possible and store it in the cooler drier parts of the sewers. The other day I was heading over to get something to eat and I saw it, boxes of Rice Krispies, Capt’n Crunch, Frosted Flakes, torn open and thrown about. A few other were there too trying to piece together what happened. I looked at the mess and said “Looks like we got a Cereal Killer in our midst”