Category: Guest Authors

A mysterious creature glided in the depths.
Legends had circulated for years, but never any hard evidence. The creature belonged to the shadowy realm of the Possibly Real occupied by Sasquatch, the Ten Lost Tribes, and the /menehune/ of Hawai’i.
But when bowling ball-sized chunks of meat began boiling to the surface of the lake, each enveloped in a mysterious doughy casing, the locals called me in. Abe Schwartz, Dybbuk Hunter. Ghosts and Legendary Creatures a specialty.
After searching all my life, I had finally found her. The miraculous evidence left no doubt that it was the Kreploch-Ness Monster.

The Missus and I sat at the breakfast table, the scattered remnants of our waffles cooling on our plates.
She tossed her head, indicating the stairs.
“Well, we might as well go and get this over with.”
She continued, “It’s always so much harder to do it again if you put it off.”
We looked at each other. A sly grin stole across my face.
“Are we thinking about the same thing?” asked The Missus.
“Aren’t we?” I said.
“You’re thinking about sex, aren’t you?” asked The Missus.
“Well, yeah. Aren’t you?”
“I was thinking about going to the gym.”

After the Great Protein Shortage of 2029, the genetic engineers started getting creative.
People needed protein, and the existing sources weren’t getting the job done. Beef cattle were practically extinct after the BSE epidemics in the late teens. Fish were laden with heavy metals, poultry with pesticides. Legumes were fine – except for their unfortunate vaporous side effects.
But then a brilliant Belgian geneticist had a breakthrough. An excellent protein source: animals that lived in a farmable colony. Roughly three apples high, they made a perfect portion. And in time, people got used to the color.
Smurf and Turf, anyone?

Last Sunday was Aseret b’Tevet – the tenth day of the Jewish month Tevet.
It’s a day of religious significance mainly to observant Jews, who fast during daylight hours to commemorate the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem by the Babylonians, the first step in the destruction of King Solomon’s Temple.
Even non-Jews know about Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. That’s a full fast: no food or drink from before sundown until after sundown the following day. Twenty-five hours of hunger and penance.
But Aseret b’Tevet is not as big a deal. You might even call it a half-fast.

Atlanta is in mourning upon hearing the tragic news that Gasper, one of the Georgia
Aquarium’s celebrated beluga whales and a favorite among visitors, has been euthanized.
Gasper had been suffering from osteomyelitis, a bone infection, and his condition had
deteriorated in the past several weeks.
“We rescued Gasper knowing that he was seriously ill, but were hopeful that we might have
been able to save him,” said Bernie Marcus, Georgia Aquarium benefactor and chairman of
the board.
In related news, the Georgia Aquarium today announced plans to build a 50,000-gallon
capacity toilet bowl to facilitate disposal of the remains.