Category: Guest Authors

Showbiz

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Andrew Ian Dodge shares a little showbiz news…

After the downer tale of yesterday and the described idiocy of the previous 100 words… I am going a bit goofier. I have got two bits of show-biz news you lot might not have heard yet. One…the horrid news that pneumatic breasted Jordan and her one hit wonder Aussie husband, Peter “Insania” Andre are planning an album of duets. NO! On the other hand Take That fans will be pleased to hear Robbie Williams will rejoin the group for their forthcoming tour. He previously said that he wasn’t going to join his former group-mates on their nostalgic panty-squirt inducing tour.

Since when was this the E! Channel?

Wax Job

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Ron had trouble holding down a job.
He was fired from the zoo after they caught him spanking the monkey. Even worse, there was evidence that he had also been whipping the lizard.
He lasted less than a week at the Tyson processing plant. Someone discovered him in the process of choking the chicken, a job he was unauthorized to perform. The SPCA was outraged.
All of this changed when Ron interviewed with the Staunton Amalgamated Chess-Piece Manufactory. He was hired, quickly rising through the ranks, eventually becoming CEO.
For nobody could wax a bishop as well as Ron. Nobody.

Elements

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Everything’s okay with Kim, right, Andrew?

The end of a serious relationship does a rather heavy job on your being. It brings to mind that you go through the four basic elements of nature. The first one is fire in the form of your pained rage. Then there is the wind in your screaming emotional outbursts. The water element raises its head in the fact you feel all your plans are now wet and useless. And finally you come back to earth and realise that you can move on; get on with the rest of your life. Remember this wisdom the next time you get dumped.

The Horrible, Terrible, Very Bad Breakfast Cereal

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Harrison lifted the spoon to his mouth and started chewing. His face contorted into a mask of disgust.
“Jeezus! What is this shit?”
“Exactly,” replied Johnston.
“We did some research. Turns out most mammals do a lousy job of extracting nutrients from food. Plenty of stuff just – goes to waste, you’ll pardon the expression. We’re simply running it through a second time.
“Plus, the ingredients are practically free. Think of the variable margin – like printing money!”
Harrison considered this briefly, rolling a kernel of corn around on his tongue.
“Add a sugar frosting and put a bear on the box.”

Mass Confusion

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Father Dominic was beginning to come unglued.
The Offertory had gone just fine. Sanctus, likewise. Lord’s Prayer, no problem.
The Agnus Dei had never sounded sweeter.
It was after Communion that things began to get sketchy. Congregants started milling around aimlessly, bumping into each other in the pews, cracking ankles on the kneelers, eyes glazed. It took three hours to herd them all out the door after “Missa est.”
By now, Dominic felt pretty strange himself. Bizarre lights flashed; weird howls echoed. Was God speaking?
Later, he found out that an altar boy had spiked the Communion wine with LSD.

Salad Bowl

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The card showing today’s special at the company cafeteria read “Geek Salad.”
Fucking typos, I thought. Nobody takes pride in their work anymore.
I stepped up to the counter to place my order. A big bowl of salad would be good. Feta, anchovies, the whole works. Mop everything up with a hunk of pita bread.
That’s when I noticed the whacked-out dude behind the counter, biting the heads off live, squawking chickens and spitting them into a big tub of lettuce and dressing.
Huh, I thought. No typo after all. But at least this guy takes pride in his work.

Snowe d’Oh!

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Andrew Ian Dodge takes on a tax-and-hide RINO today…

Sen Olympia “elect me cause my first husband died and I am Greek” Snowe wants to tax internet phone calls. She is so wrong on so many levels its almost hard to contemplate. First of all it would be almost impossible to do this, secondly it would probably just deny Mainers a chance to use it, there are probably easy ways round anything they come up with and finally how the hell do you tax something that is free! Of course, this is not surprising behaviour from the notorious “Republican only when she really has to be.” What a nitwit.

Big Dave

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My buddy Dave struggled with his weight for years.
Name a diet; he’d tried it, with dismal results. Weight Watchers. Jenny Craig. Atkins. South Beach. Ultra Slim-Fast.
A few months ago, someone told Dave about Transcendental Meditation. Worked wonders, they said. Your guru would assign a mantra, a specific random word that you would repeat to yourself to focus your meditation. Having the right mantra was critical to help you concentrate, avoid distractions, achieve your goal.
Dave’s goal was to lose 85 pounds.
His mantra was “Hersheybar.”
Last time I saw him, he was at 325 and heading north fast.

Prat

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Professors are the same everywhere, it seems…

A professor at Chester University has declared the 7/7 attacks as primarily an extreme form of demonstration”. They were basically expressing their religious rage and not actually just being evil terrorists. He also said that to refer to the attacks as terrorism risked “demonising” those involved. My beloved Kim said: “well, of course, he would say that he lives in bloody Chester!” I do rather hope the offspring of some 7/7 victim finds this prat and knocks him on his idiotic arse. One does have to think that he is just trying to get some press. Lets hope its negative.

Stroking my vanity

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Andrew Ian Dodge sucks to me and my COTV heroics today…

As some of you might have heard the Carnival of the Vanities has a bit of a row going on. As with last time someone acted the prat and decided not to post all entries our lad Laurence did an Avignon edition. Avignon is where the alternate Pope was based when the Catholic Church was having one of its many rows. I don’t quite understand why people take it upon themselves to act a teet and go against the entire ethos of the CoTV. Its people who lack the understanding of the word Vanity. Let’s hope it ain’t its deathnell.