Category: My stories

They shut down the baseball season.
And basketball. And football. And hockey.
(Does anyone watch hockey?)
They shut down everything.
The sports networks reported on the shutdowns, and then… nothing.
So they started airing documentaries and reruns of old games.
Only the best old games, of course. None of those boring rain delays or late-season losing-record games.
Record-breaking games for home runs or strikeouts or a late-inning comeback and walkoff.
I like to go to retirement homes and look up the game on the television and then make bets with the old farts.
Until they stopped allowing visitors there too.

We distributed the pills throughout the world along with the directions.
A lot of people swallowed the pills. And died.
I guess they didn’t read directions.
You’re supposed to crush them up in olive oil and spread them on the back of your hand for slow absorption.
Some people spread them over their arms or their chest.
They died.
More people died from various abuses and misuses of the pills.
Only if you followed the directions did you get the awesome high from it.
What? You thought this was a vaccine for the Corniavirus?
Nah. It’s a cure for stupid.

The finest samurai swords take up to a year to make when you use the traditional crafting methods.
And nobody wants a used samurai sword.
Because the only used samurai swords are ones that failed to protect their owners.
That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement for the sword.
Okay, so some swords were owned by samurai who retired or didn’t have any students to give them to.
But who would want the sword of a retired samurai or one who wasn’t good enough to attract students wanting to learn from them.
And nobody dares steal one from a murderous samurai.

Stadiums and arenas sit unused.
The churches are empty.
So are the schools.
Banks, malls, coffee shops.
Restaurants just fill orders for pickup and delivery.
The grocery stores will close themselves off to shoppers soon.
Weddings, funerals… what of those?
We make plans for after it’s safe, but will it ever be safe again?
Was it ever safe to begin with? Was it really?
One cough, one sneeze… one careless touch of your face after taking back your credit card or handing over the delivery bag.
That’s all it takes.
To live in fear is not to live at all.

Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but some people actually prefer it heated back up.
Kind of like people who like their beer served warm.
You know, Guinness drinkers.
What’s the best way to heat your revenge back up?
Well, I reheat my revenge in the microwave.
The potato setting for 5 minutes will even out the revenge.
Don’t use the high setting, you’ll just make it all dried-out.
Be sure to put it on a microwave-safe plate and cover it with a paper towel.
To keep the revenge from splattering all over the inside of the microwave.

Mom usually left lunch money on the counter, but today she handed me a five dollar bill and a bloody paper bag.
“Get rid of the bag,” she said. “Don’t look in it, and don’t show it to anyone.”
So, I put the five bucks in my pocket. walked to the woods, and tossed the bag into the tall grass.
For three weeks, we did this.
Until, one morning, I looked in the bag.
Inside was a hand.
The next day, I asked for ten bucks.
After that, there were no more bags.
And I locked my door at night.

I never understood why there were Flintstones vitamin pills.
Shouldn’t they be Jetsons vitamin pills?
After all, the Jetsons were living in the future where Vitamin pills exist.
The Flintstones were prehistoric cave-dwelling suburbanite analogs who shouldn’t have things like vitamins or medicine.
But then, the Flintstones had various retro-technological devices like garbage disposals, foot-powered cars, and dinosaur construction equipment.
Why not vitamins, I guess.
And if the show’s popular and all about branding, then I guess it’s okay to have Flintstones vitamin pills.
Still, it would have been fun to bite the head off of that annoying kid Elroy.

It didn’t take long after the announcement of a pandemic that people freaked out and cleaned stores out of hand sanitizer, toilet paper, soup, bread, milk, and other essential goods.
Fights broke out in stores, and people were wrestling, kicking, and punching each other.
Shoved into the back of squad cars.
Plenty of hand sanitizer to go around at the police station after having their fingerprints taken by officers wearing latex gloves.
Dumped in a holding cell to cool off and think things over.
A hacking, wheezing bag lady, sitting on a bench in the corner.
And so it spreads.

Of all the things I saw today, the most important thing has been that you can use Twix as a straw.
The colder the drink, the better.
So, I got out a glass of milk, bit the ends off of a Twix bar, and stuck it in the milk.
And I sucked the milk up the Twix.
And it was great. I liked it. Just a hint of Twix flavor added to the milk.
Then I tried it with the other Twix bar from the pack on a cup of coffee.
It melted too quickly.
But still good for dunking.

The government store ran out of bread.
The government store ran out of meat.
The government store ran out of potatoes.
The government store ran out of fish.
The government store ran out of toilet paper.
The government store ran out of soup.
The government store ran out of lettuce.
The government store ran out of carrots.
The government store ran out of baby food.
The government store ran out of wine.
The government store ran out of everything.
Except for forms. Lots of forms to fill out.
They’re only good for wrapping fish.
Which the store is out of.